ForeverHopeful

In the movies its usually the case that one person has his/her head stuck in the clouds and it takes the wonderful 'other half' to leave for them to realise that they really do feel love blah blah The rest of the time it's the thrill of the chase, we always want something we can't have. Im with the general opinion that if I leave someone I leave them for good, it's not a decision to be taken lightly.

I posted about my breakup a while ago (kind find the thread to reference it), just wanted to put my feelings down today! My ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago to pursue a 'finding herself' mission after us having a relationship with her depending on me far too much and her not knowing who she was after a while and eventually breaking up with me. She realised this after 1.5 years of being together and I have been totally supportive in her needing to do this alone so the dependency element is not there (me), and I am accepting of the split for all the reasons presented (I wasnt happy being depended on and having to always put my feelings aside for fear of rocking the boat). There were probs with her low self asteem, need to rely on alchohol to be out an enjoy etc Four weeks into the split and I had been moving on nicely and getting my head sorted and filling my diary. I got 'I miss you' emails, which I ignored, then two days later I then get a phonecall from her, she is full of sadness, tears, regret etc etc, as she has had time to chew over the split and fears losing the 'best thing she ever had'. I was very diplomatic and sensible on the phone and assured her she had made the right decision to move on and do something for herself, to have time to grow and be independent. I told her I was happy and moving on, but I got the 'maybe I made a mistake' line and ' can we wipe the slate clean'. I made no committment and the call ended with no further plans. The week proceeding this call I felt at rock bottom because the seed of doubt had been planted firmly back into my head (4 weeks previous I had had propure closure), I felt she was having second thoughts and I was left confused and sad. I left it a week and felt no better again feeling I needed a second closure, so I phoned her and we chatted and in my low mood agreed to meet her. My biggest mistake. We met and I was met with the old person who had split up with me, not the one on the phone last week, this one still wanted the split and could almost not understand my confusion and kept saying 'well you know how it is, I have told you how it is'. We got on like a house on fire which only reminded me of the good times, and the feelings of a second rejection have risen. I again said if we could try again it would be on different ground, otherwise please just leave me alone to get over this whole thing so we can eventually try the friendship thing. She was very cuddly and loving and the whole thing felt like a giant carrot dangler. But it was not to be, no going back for her. I cried when she left and she looked strong and even better for it, now I feel like I have returned to square one from 4 weeks ago and feel even worse. I realise my huge mistake in meeting her, I rose to the carrot dangling situation presented to me in the phone call. I found out she had been drinking heavily the night before the phonecall and I guess she woke up feeling low and decided that calling me would lift her spirits, but all it did was open a new can of worms. Im starting again from today on my path of no contact and I have made this clear once again, the worse part about love is the strength the heart has over the head, but I dont want to go through this a third time.

I have been in a similar relationship where near the end I was always making the decisions and suggesting things, this has resulted in her feeling like she is living her life through me and has broken up with me. I got very frustrated with always making the decisions and when I asked her why she just said 'I got lazy and got used to you doing it', but for me thats very one sided and I always encouraged her to say what she wanted and I didnt want to be the controlling one, i prefer it to be balanced. In fact I felt like I was dragging around an empty soul at the end, someone who really didnt have ANY interest in what we were doing. So yes, I say encourage your loved ones and if they are not interested there is a deeper rooted problem.

Its interesting to read how long people take to recover from relationships. And I realise I have never given myself that chance to get to know me. Since I started dating as a teenager I have been in and out of relationships with no more than a couple of months in between, I have just met someone new and in my head felt I was over the previous one but in reality was just finding a distraction for the current pain. Not good. In all fairness my new relationships have not suffered from being a rebound but I have never stopped to take stock of myself and my own insecurities that develop from relationships. I have just broken up with someone and feel this time (better late than never), that I really need some space for myself and to reflect on the choices I have made over the years. For all of you who have given yourselves that well earned time, im proud of you! You will be the better stronger partners when you finally meet someone as you are allowing the ex to leave you completely before moving on. Never worry about how long it takes to find a new partner, its not set in stone that you HAVE to be with someone, this is what society almost dictates to us, when we are in relationships we often feel we have lost ourselves, and when we are out of them we worry about being alone. But when you find that right person, he/she will let you be you and you know you will be truly happy in a relationship.

Hi Wimpy - yes it's a long journey and we all seem to go through the stages, some better than others, I know how you feel and Im sorry you are also going through this. It's funny because we have probably both had broken hearts before and we got over those, and at the time we never thought we would ever see that person in the same light, im now friends with one of those exes and even talk about my current breakup! Thats proof that we do move on. I told me current ex yesterday that I needed time and space to move on before friendship can be considered, luckily it wasnt a messy break and there is every chance of something coming from it. I havent had a response and I think 'thats it then, no more contact' but you just dont know whats coming next. I still wake up every day wondering if things will magically change overnight and if she will come back to me, but I think over time hope turns into acceptance then we finally move on. I really hope you are coping and looking after yourself.

@loveseeker - well the username was a foreverhopeful for love, not to do with this relationship! Yes I realise I have left the door open on this one, I think I feel I am waiting for some more closure, what for? Because of how I feel, we are all fools when it comes to love and whilst I can see in my head whats going on the heart is going 'no no just wait and see about the letter!'. I just got a text about friday from her saying its too hard for her to see me and to just say hi and pretend to be friends. Of course I feel the same, Im two weeks ahead on dealing with this and I dont want my wounds to be opened up. I do seemingly battle with people for a while and eventually give up when I feel I have done all I can, I suppose right now I dont feel I have done all I can and this may be a longer harder journey than I can already make for myself. I'm expecting the letter to be about her, she already told me it would be, I know for a fact that getting it all down on a bit of paper helps immensely, regardless of how this affects me im prepared to take that on the chin for her sake so she can start realising her own problems. Where does this leave me? Well my life is continuing, im eating, im socialising and im getting to know myself again, im a very strong person having taken many knocks in life and there will be a point where I move on. I have some really awful days where I feel im lying in a pit of doom, and the rejection is the worse part, then other times i feel relieved. One thing that doesnt change is the constant thought of them, first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when im not busy at work. It's great to just talk openly here and really offload how i feel, i havent been able to do that with any of my friends.

@smallworld - thankyou for your comments - I have dealt with depression in my own family when my parents were divorced, I had two parents with depression to 'take care of' while a teenager. I learnt to understand alot about depression through this, I always felt they were rejecting me but I knew they were locked in their own world of pain. I have given my girlfriend plenty of chances to talk, im a very good listener and encourage her alot, however she cannot and does not want to talk openly but has always chosen to ignore it and change the subject, hence the letter and hence me suggesting independent counselling where she can open up about her self to someone other than me. I often caught her crying to herself and she would shrug me away when asked and then later blame me for not caring when she was crying.. it was difficult knowing what to do. As far as I know there has been no abuse and has a very loving and supportive family who have let her me her own woman, so as of yet I cannot find the root of the cause unless its just a mental issue. Shes very clever and intelligent and attractive but has no confidence in herself or her abilities, she is surrounded by positive loving people all the time, and I think slowly I can see them also getting annoyed by this without realising whats going on anf there is more to it.

@loveseeker - I did read your thread and I agree we have similar situations. Thankyou for your kind words and it's nice to know there are people out there who deal with the same situes as us and who love and feel and want to make it right. The push and pull thing is of no surprise, anyone who is confused with themselves as our partners our will probably be agonising over this more than we are, they probably feel doubly crap that they are pushing people away then scared they will not come back. @simon_uk - I did read about BPD and yes I agree there are similar traits, including self harming, hitting oneself. It is hard to diagnose and it scares me to think Im even thinking about my ex in this way. We always think the tremendous love we provide will bring this person away from their issues but I realise having been through relationships like this that you just can't, its down to the individual to sort themselves out. I often feel like I have failed, like I could have done more and now like I have abandoned them, but I know I havent its just a result of my emotions trying to make sense of all this. I have read it's very normal for someone who is depressed to ditch the people they are close to, as a form of change to see if thats part of the problem. Also they believe in a new relationship it will make everything 'go away' in the midst of happiness. It worked for us for a while but then reality kicked in and I started to stand my ground more to not feel used and to protect myself, when I realised all my encouragement was going down the pan with a simple 'you dont understand, you dont care, you dont love me' remark, it really hurts. Sometimes there isnt room for two people in a mind of someone who cannot even love themselves.

Hi - this is my first post on here, but have been reading a while, I have found this site inspirational and helpful through my breakup. I felt I wanted to air my feelings and get some feedback as like everyone else this whole thing can be overwhelming sometimes. My ex broke up with me a couple of weeks ago after a 17 month relationship. We had an interesting, loving, crazy first year together (they always say this is the best time, the first year). And then I realise the doubts must have started creaping into her head after this point, when she realised that relationships need work and things will not always be a fairytale. She broke up with me because she needed to 'sort out her issues', issues of how she feels about her self, confidence, looks, self worth etc.. on top of having a job that leaves her no time. She told me she felt she was living her life through me and relied on me too much, there were many down days with no reason, she could never explain to me what was going on in her head and frequently told me I wouldnt understand. Often when I did my 'cheer you up talks, your great', she would change the subject, like she didnt like hearing nice stuff about herself. She often felt she wasnt good enough at anything. She has always been a negative person from the day I met her and was one of these people who would have to get horribly drunk to enjoy a social situation. I have always been very positive and tried to help her lift herself 'out of herself' and her lack of love for herself, but it never worked. I knew she suffered mild depression to, but this has become more apparent to me after the split. She has now gone off to deal with her issues, which I am very accepting of, I realised I would never be her angel saviour after this long of trying. Right near the end of the relationship she started to distance herself from me which hurt immensly, started to go out and get peoples numbers to make friends with and this then ended up in me asking if she loved me still which the reply was 'i dont know'. she said she wanted me to be there when she wanted me but needed space to do her own thing more, she also then said this is bad as you cannot have your cake and eat it. The relationship had become very onesided in recent months, with me always planning everything, times out, paying for things, cleaning up after us both (we didnt live together), but even taking dirty dishes to the sink was a seemingly impossible task! Things I would do when in her space. I was always there at a drop of a hat. In the beginning it was so very loving, but reading old emails it felt like there was a dependancy on me to provide the happiness. After a final conflict a few weeks ago, we seemed to part ways, upon parting there were many tears and she said she loved me (Im not sure if this was a scared oflosing me remark), she tried to kiss me as i left but i said no. We took our stuff back from our respective houses and as far as I was concerned that was that and I started the no contact. I broke that a week later on a really down day and just sent a polite - how are you text, which she replied to saying she was fine and she missed me, followed by 'i want to meet when i have sorted out my head'. I left it at that. We had arranged a night out with friends before the split which is this friday, Im still going and expected her to contact me which surprise surprise she did last night by text, asking me if i was still going and if she went would i be ok with her going, as i may not want to see her right now. I realise I cannot stop her from living her life so replied ( a few hours later) saying, please go if you want, we are bound to bump into each other at some point. She replied saying, im not going now, have a good night. Felt like she was playing mind games as I replied so cool. I told her that I was finding things hard right now and its going to take some getting used to. No reply. She had said she was writing me a letter explaining whats going on in her head and mentioned in the text she will send it soon, I know I have left a door open for this to continue, and I know this is on one hand making it hard for myself to let go, on the other hand its the usual post split expectation people have of finding some solution. Im not sure if i am expecting any answers to this as I have realised alot of things from this, I needed to let go for her to sort herself out, this isnt something I can rescue her from, although I tried damn hard over this time, im just not able to help. I have suggested a counseller but I doubt she will go as the first step is recognising and the second is 'doing'. Secondly, I love her to bits and deep down would love this to be resolved, but then I think that there were many negatives in the relationship, our fights would be over silly things but would result in some nasty screaming matches, the emotion of a fight from her would be overwhelming, like it had killed her. And for me if the relationship cannot stand to go through something as serious as this then what happens next time we have a bump? She said I was the best thing that had happened to her and said she would regret this as I could be 'the one' and why did she always screw up everything in her life.. and i would meet someone else, etc etc, but on the other hand she needed to go off and sort herself out, which as I have said I respect. I have put no pressure on her and she is free to go, they always say set your love free.. and thats what im willing to do. I have no idea where this will lead and I suppose now im waiting to see what the letter will reveal, my hopes of getting back together are low and I want to think we can be friends in the future as there is no bad feeling etc.. Oh and one more thing, she said the fights we had had had dulled her emotion tomwards me and made her back off.. nobody is perfect and I admit to being very stubborn in a fight, will aways have my say and stick to it!! What do you all think to this? there is tons more i can write but i dont want to go on and on.