smallworld

- Hiding Easter Eggs / Wrapping Joke Xmas Gifts / Brainstorming and executing elaborate practical jokes and random acts of kindness and watching the fallout later... - Seeing the potential in others and helping them to actualize it. - Eating Grape (Yum! Artifically Flavored!) Snowcones on the North Shore of Honolulu while hanging out with the Sea Turtles - Taking wacky pictures with my digital camera and seeing how they come out - Pretending to be terrified of babies and watching them giggle when I peek at them from behind my fingers. - Thrifting (I'm rentless and the record is 8 hours without respite or sustenance. Sad isn't it?) - Windy spring days and summer rains. - Driving fast and singing loudly on road trips with the windows down and the wind ripping through my hair. - Cuddling with my love monkey! - Riding "It's A Small World!" (Disneyland) and "Heimlich's Chew Chew Train" in (California Adventure) because it's "sooo delicious!"

Elite, The last straw for me would have been when you came home from the hospital to a trashed house and he refused to get the prescription. If you can't count on him when you've just been through surgery, when could you ever??? I agree with the other posters, but if it'll ease your conscience, invite him to go to marital counseling with you. He probably won't go, but his negative response will tell you all you need to know about giving him any more chances. I know right now it's scary to be thinking about divorce, but honestly I think it's more frightening to think about having kids with this man. You can do better and you deserve better as well. Good luck!

Hey Shelby, I can understand you wanting to have someone special of your own there to celebrate your brother's big day, but these things can't be rushed. It takes time to get to know someone and finding the right girl shouldn't be about having someone special at his wedding day, but yours... So how do you do that? Focus on what you want instead of what you fear. Take little kids for instance. When they want toys or candy, do they plague themselves with worries about worthiness or gingivitis? Heck no! Their focus is on how wonderful "x" will be when they finally receive it and how to manipulate authority figures into giving it to them. Perhaps children aren't the best role models, but you get the idea... It's not about overcoming your fears, but about focusing on what it is you really want (what you love vs. fear) and living in the moment (What's actually going on now? Is there really anything to be scared of?) Focus your energies on having fun and getting to know the person in front of you and I think you'll actually enjoy dating a whole lot more. One last thing: Rather than put all this pressure on yourself to go into hyperdating mode, is there any close female friend you could ask to your brother's wedding?

Thanks Shadows Light! I think I'll multitask principles #2 and 4 by scaring myself by how selfish I can be. Hmm.. Why do I suddenly feel the urge to color?

*Hugs InnerStrength. Emotions are important because of what they tell us about our state of well-being. Depression is usually a sign that you need to take better care of yourself. Before anything else, are you getting enough sleep? eating right? doing something you enjoy every day? getting at least 20 minutes of sun? exercise? These things may sound trivial, but the better your body feels, the easier it will be for your mind to cope with the challenges you face every day. Anyone can kick you when you're down. It takes a real friend to lift you up and remind you of your strengths when they clearly see that you're hurting and need a little kindness. Your "friend" sounds like the exact opposite of what a true friend is like. Before you take another word of his insensitivity personally, ask yourself how he treats others. Is he well-respected? liked? My guess is he's arrogant & insensitive with everyone. So why believe his rudeness means that "no one" cares about you? Does he really deserve that much power over your self-esteem? Is it really true that he epitomizes what others think and feel about you? Do virtual strangers treat you better than he does? If so, maybe he isn't worthy of being your "friend." Trust your feelings. As for the 25 year old girl, it sounds like she's attracted to you (she wouldn't flirt, send you kissing smilies, and say she'd hook you up with a little sis, if she wasn't...), but apparently she's just not the kind of girl who's comfortable with dating someone 5 years younger. I know it bites, but again this says more about HER than it does you. This isn't about how cute you are (and apparently you're mighty cute, because it looks like you were giving her some tempting food for thought), but about how willing she was to date someone younger. For her it might have been more an issue of you being in different stages of your life, not how attractive you are or aren't. So again why let someone else's perception of things (in this case age incompatiblity) define your attractiveness and self-worth??? In my opinion you should pat yourself on the back for tempting her. As for your grandmother, I completely understand. I only see my folks once or twice a year and as soon as I get home, the "comments" start about my weight and my hair (which no matter what I do it, defies gravity like Einstein's). On especially fun days I get asked why can't I be more like... someone I used to go to school with??? It's taken me many years and lots of therapy to see that again, these comments aren't about me, they're about my Mother and her own insecurities. She needs me to be a supermodel-brain surgeon to feel better about herself because that would make her the Mother of a supermodel-brain surgeon. She needs to "fix" me because it's easier to try and fix someone else than to fix the stuff in her own life. And she needs to tell me what to do, because she has a strong need to feel loved and needed. So what do I do? I remind myself that she and I are two different people and we'll never agree on who and what I should be. I came from her body, but her perceptions of me are not "reality" and not even she has the right to define my self-worth. But enough about me... In short, can you see how a lot of this stuff that hurts you is NOT really about you, but about the people around you and their own issues??? PS. Good luck on your exam!!!

Hi Always, Welcome to Enot! She's "hitting" on you both literally and figuratively, go for it! I don't think your problem is as big as it seems. It sounds like you both want back "in." Just make sure you talk about what happened and resolve that first so that you start with a fresh slate.

Welcome to Enot Cinia! Homesickness hits you when you least expect it. Mine didn't hit me until three months after the initial excitement of going to college died down and I realized how lonely I truly felt living on the other side of the country far from loved ones. The loneliness made me question everything including whether I should even be in college. Insidious isn't it? It sounds like you're going through something similar but much more complicated because you've taken on adult responsibilities that most couples don't take on until their late 20's, early 30's. I disagree with your friend. Relationships aren't as easy as they seem in the movies. They take a lot of hard work, love, respect, communication, and commitment. It's normal to have doubts, but it's what you do with those feelings that count. Like Rae points out you have to ask yourself if you love your husband and go from there. For now just be each other's best friends and build a life that YOU love. Find your own niche in your new city. Explore. Be kind to yourself. Make new friends, but keep in touch with the old. Volunteer a couple hours a week for a cause that's dear to your heart, but is fun and fulfilling for you. (Teaching others how to read? Kids? Animals? Art?) If you hate your job, find something that suits you better. If you don't fit in, make your world fit you. Then and only then will you know how much of this doubt your feeling has to do with your situation and how much of it has to do with actual problems in the relationship. Good luck!

Hey Drop, *This* is when she needed the "slap" of reality. You did the right and noble thing by letting her cry and tell you her problems. BUT you have to remember she was drunk that night and later, probably was embarrassed by how "clingy" she was... so she tries to rewrite the whole incident in her mind as you being the emotionally dependent one. If it had been me I would have said to her "Look you were the one that was drunk, crying, and telling me your problems. Not the other way around. If that's clingy, then you're d*mn lucky I was clingy that night." Usually that's enough to set a person straight. If no apology is forthcoming, consider yourself lucky to have learned what kind of a friend she is before it really mattered.

Hi Karibo, He's clearly shy and attracted to you, but sadly thinks he needs alcohol to approach you. 10-1 he's embarrassed by how "forward" he was that night and isn't sure what to do now. Please don't beat yourself up wondering why he's not texting. You're doing everything right. Just give him a chance to calm down and respond. If he's as inexperienced as you say, it's likely that contacting you seems very overwhelming to him, particularly if he's afraid of screwing things up. If you see him, just make sure to keep things light, friendly, and casual. PS. I'm shy and it sometimes takes me weeks to respond to email from people I know and love. I'm working on it, but I just wanted you to know that if he isn't responding, it says more about him than it does you. Good luck!

Hey K8tie, the big sister in me gives the compassion and THEN the slap on the head. Ok not exactly true... it's more like a love pat, administered repeatedly until the victim begs for mercy. I tell the truth with love because for me to do otherwise would feel like I'm lying when I pretend to agree with someone else's need to be seen as a victim of circumstance. That being said, I fully understand what it's like to be depressed and seem like the lazy person who complains about stress all the time. In those days I wasn't lazy, I just no longer had the will to do anything. What made me better was feeling heard and understood, so that I had the will and the desire to make my own life better. Most people DO know what to do, but it's a matter of whether they believe they can or not. If someone tends to be a whiner, they need help learning how to see what they CAN do about a situation. What they usually get is indifference or talk about how they shouldn't be whining. Unfortunately, this only makes them whine more.

Whatdoyado, I agree with Kile. You're right to want more and you deserve more, but when a guy tries to talk you into "friends with benefits" this isn't about negotiating the best relationship deal. This is simply what he wants - relationship lite - all the fun without the responsibilities. You can tell him you want more. In fact you should (so that you know you've given this guy your best shot), but go into the conversation with open eyes. He's probably stated his best offer and unfortunately, it's not good enough. Hold out for the real thing and the kisses will outdo anything you've ever seen at the movies...

Hey Shorty, Congrats! I know you want the 'title', but I actually think it's a good thing that he's holding back for now. He sounds like a very mature, responsible sort who doesn't want to make promises yet that could hurt either of you even though it's obvious that you're both headed in a direction of commitment. Give him time. His actions are saying loud and clear that his heart and his thoughts are devoted to you. He just needs a little more time and space to accept that something so amazing could be true. Love can feel like Niagara when you've spent your entire life living in the desert. One more thing: Titles are the kinds of things better bestowed in person. Because most of your dates have been by phone, maybe he's waiting for the right moment. I don't want to get your hopes up, but for now just enjoy your time together in person and via satellite. Trust your gut about HIM. When the time's right to take it to the next level, you'll both know.

Hey Kumar, Harold's sister here. Glad to hear you had fun this weekend! So you're growing an office plant and planning to date it? How novel! (Sorry it's the artificially flavored grape soda talking.) As for the auction girl, I don't think all is "lost." If you really wanted to track her down via the charity, you could. Nothing's sexier than a modern day knight in shining armor who keeps showing up at the same charity events and volunteer functions. Why not make it seem like a strange but wonderful coincidence?

SnoGirl, My guess is that your bf is spending as much time with you as he has been because he really loves being with you. His friends can complain as much as they want about you, but grumbling and guilt trips will never outweigh the power of your kisses, cuddles, and undivided attention. Give his friends some time to adjust, but make it easier on them by not making them left out. Include them in your plans (group dates?) once a week or vice versa. Try to get to know them as individuals too. Who knows? Soon they might just start grumbling about how little time they get to spend with you too!

Hi Miticalzz, I agree - Believe him. If these are his terms, then you have to decide if being with him is worth the sacrifice. My two cents? He had a whole year to figure out how he feels about you and this is the best that he could come up with? Walk away. You deserve better and he isn't it.

Ouch Jayceearia. I may not have handled this situation in the same manner, but I can understand how hurt and angry you must have felt to want to give him some of his own medicine. I'm amazed you withstood his blatant selfishness as long as you did. I'm just sad that being with him left you feeling so disrespected that you don't see just how much you're now disrespecting yourself. What's done is done. If you're ok with it, I'm not going to judge you. But for your own sake I hope you're not planning to date any of his "friends." They probably have similar "hobbies" and it doesn't sound like you need any more guys in your life treating you like your second, third, or fourth best. Take care!

Hi Phil, this is going to sound obvious, but flirt. Flirting allows two people to let each other know how they feel without having to come right out and say it. If you're not used to flirting, it may seem like a highly emotionally risky thing to do, but in actuality it's low risk. Flirting isn't coming on too strongly. It's having fun and letting someone know we find them attractive. If she likes you, you'll be able to see it in her body language and in her actions towards you. If she isn't attracted it'll become readily apparent after a few attempts. While flirting pay attention to her body language. Does she warm to you after a few minutes? Does she seem excited when you enter the room? Does she face towards you or does she tend to look annoyed or look away when you're talking? Does she laugh heartily and seem to really enjoy your jokes (whether or not they're funny)? Is she blushing? Flirting back? Touching your affectionately on the arm? leg? back? face? hair? Does she talk about wanting to bear you children? (Um... if so, you probably don't need any more of our advice.... Have fun!)

Welcome to Enot Jody! You don't say how old this guy is but I'm going to assume that he's in his late teens or early 20s. If that's so, he doesn't sound very mature and his use of caveman mating tactics only underscores the immaturity. It's easier to play "tag you're it", pick on others, and be annoying than it is to be vulnerable and say "I like you. Would you like to go out?" If he has a habit of putting himself down, is shy, and has never really had much luck with girls, it makes even more sense that he hides behind these games. In the meanwhile why don't you just try talking to him more and to try to get to know the guy behind the games. Maybe in time you'll trust each other enough to bring up why he does these silly things and you can teach him better ways of expressing his affection. If you still have any doubts that he likes you, watch how he treats other girls vs. you. If you're the only one getting mixed signals, then it's pretty clear that you're the one that's driving him crazy! PS. A cautionary tale... My high school boyfriend was a lot like yours. I mention him because the funny thing is even if you do manage to become a couple, the "picking on you" doesn't stop until they learn healthier ways of communicating their feelings for you... in fact it can morph into even more complex "I like you, but I don't want to like you" behavior. For example: My Ex had little to no interest in my girl friends. When I wasn't around he rarely if ever spoke to them. But whenever we were on a double date or in a crowd he'd blatantly hit on my friends just to see how I'd react. He never felt comfortable expressing or asking for affection, so he'd resort to jealousy tactics to prove to himself that I loved him. The only problem was that in the long run he ended up hurting me and killing off what love I did feel for him. Hopefully you won't have to experience anything as dysfunctional as I did. If I could do it all again, the one thing I wish I would have done differently is to talk to him every time he did something hurtful and tell him how his actions impacted me. For your own sake, you might just want to start NOW with your love interest! Good luck!

Michelle, just a few questions: If you left him because of your faith and you're still practicing, how can he trust you not to leave him again? Aren't your religious reasons for breaking up still exactly the same?

Hi Miss M, Thanks for your kind words. I'm touched that you were moved by my story. It really was a heartwrenching moment and truthfully for several years I felt guilty about not being able to reciprocate her feelings. She later served as Maid of Honor at my wedding. Now that I think about it, she's even more amazing than I thought. Thanks for saying I must be a wonderful friend. I'd like to be yours! Can I get on the waiting list?

Um... how very, very true.

Hey Italian, If she's "wicked" shy and you had her laughing that hard, it's a great sign. Shy folks don't let go like that nor do they agree to second dates unless they really feel at ease around someone. That being said I agree with CoolLady, what's up with the unwarranted hostility and calling her stupid? If that's what you call your "amazing" dates, I'd hate to see what you call the bad ones.

* Hugs Byates, congrats on staying strong. I know you don't want to hear it, but I think the booze was talking when you told your roommate about how happy his Ex seemed. What you both need is to be there for each other, not point out what you both no longer have. Maybe it's best if you hang out with someone else for awhile?

One more thing I've learned. If you can't afford a "good haircut", get it done anyway. Afterwards be sure to take pictures of your hair from front, side, back angles, so that eventually you can have your style replicated elsewhere for a lot less. A picture is so much easier than trying to speak "hair" which is a language I've somehow never managed to acquire fluency in. Here are some style sites I've saved over the years. Happy Hunting! Asian Hair: Styles for Round Faces iVillage - How to wear you hair (based on face shape) link removed for when you decide you'd rather join forces with your hair than fight it. There's a chat board there too!

Hey Sweetheart, me too!!! I wage a daily battle againt my hair and well, my hair usually wins. So... What's sexier? The attitude behind the hair! I think I've mentioned before that the days I got hit on the most weren't my best hair days (or outfit days or makeup days or any other type of day because I'm dense when it comes to these things), but the days I was smiling, laughing, flirting, and just happy to be alive. That being said, I agree with Raykay. There's no one right answer and you shouldn't base your hairstyle by committee vote. Ask your family and friends (not the jealous ones!) for their opinion of what might work well on you. Ask people on the street whose hair you admire where they get theirs done. Surf online and check magazines for styles you think might look good on you. Then head to the salon and have a powwow with a stylist and show them what you like and get their opinion about what works well with your features. You might be surprised by what they say. It might be more a matter of how the hair is styled and cut vs. its texture. Whatever you decide, make sure it's a style that you're comfortable with and love, because when you feel confident and good about yourself that's when your inner beauty really shrines through. Good luck!