smallworld

I'm sorry it's not going to work. (I try to treat others as I wish to be treated. That's why I suggest you try talking to him.) But what other options do you have if you want him back? And if you don't, then I guess this was just a philosophical exercise?

Hi Teacup, I think most people would be hurt if someone was dating them and expressed interest in one of their friends. The best thing you can do is to have a heart to heart talk with him, let him know that you really feel bad about hurting his feelings, and that you understand why he's so upset. Be honest. Tell him why you were dating him and his friend simultaneously. He may or may not forgive you, but at least if you're honest with him, you have a much better chance of working things out. Good luck!

Welcome to Enot WhenPigsFly! Great nic! Long distance relationships are tough, but without hope of seeing each other, they're really hard to bare. If you don't think you can handle the pain of being apart anymore, talk to him. If you can, keep him as a friend with the understanding that if circumstances changed, you'd both want something more. Keep the door open. No one can say what the future holds.

You're welcome Metallica! Hope you get your Christmas wish!

Hey Metallica, Yes peripherally counts. I just did that today in fact. So um.. is there a specific shy girl and her mannerisms that you have in mind? If the following looks familiar, it's because I'm too lazy to rewrite it. Um...er they blush. They steal glances at you, but quickly look away if they think you've caught on. They try to sit close to you in class so that they can pine after you undetected. They're drawn to you, but if you talk to them, they freak out, get flustered, breathless, and their words tumble over each other or they can't speak. They look sad or upset when you’re attention is focused on other girls. Sometimes they ignore you to keep their feelings from being too obvious. So how can you tell if they’re shy or you’re imagining things? - Look for a feeling of growing TENSION between you. - Note if they try to spend a lot of time near you especially if it’s not required. - Compare how shy/nervous their interactions are with you vs. other males. - Watch how they react when you flirt with other females.

Gradle! \\ I agree with Annie. Go with "thanks." The letters will keep if and when the time is right. One last thing: The Golden Rule works both ways. Reciprocrate not inundate!

Ren, Thanks for keeping us posted. Although I'm sure he would be happy with lower monthly repayment options, I believe your Ex was being completely honest with you about how he feels. Whenever there's a breakup, the emotions don't just disappear. There will always be some sense of ambivalence and mixed feelings involved when we realize that someone we feel very strongly for isn't quite the right person for us. This is why he talks about wanting to be friends "someday" but doesn't want to spend time with you now. If seeing him again hurts you and makes you want him more, then don't second guess yourself. Move to San Diego. I know you want him back, but he isn't giving you any signs that that's what he wants. If you think about it, you'll see that what prompted him to be this forthcoming was the realization that you were beginning to move on and that he was concerned about losing your "friendship." Could you be happy with just being friends? Are you willing to watch him date and fall in love with other girls knowing what you once had? (Ironically you'd end up with a very similar relationship to what you have with your best friend.) And do you think he could really withstand watching you do the same, after how he behaved at Furfest? Waiting in Wisconsin sounds like much more pain than it's worth.

Hey Shinobie! I owe you a PM, but I just wanted to say "Glad to see you back!" Congrats on breaking the addiction and on feeling better!!! Have a fun night, smallworld PS. I like your new sig!

Ooh Ooh Ooh! Let me see... - Intelligence - Verbally adept in ways that make me blush (lol) - Compassionate and sensitive - Witty, playful sense of humor - A deep voice like Trace Adkins - Broad shoulders and strong arms (Yum!) - Someone who loves children - Someone who loves life and isn't afraid to try new things - Someone who has the stamina to listen to me talk for hours.

I agree with Mun. Don't play games, because in the end the games play you... If you really love this girl so much, why are you ignoring or rejecting every "white flag" she waves in your direction? I don't see these things she's doing so much as games as half-hearted attempts to find out if you still feel anything for her. In all honesty I'm surprised she's still willing to keep pursuing an opportunity to be with you when she's obviously the one in the one-down position and probably feels extremely vulnerable and rejected at this point. What you interpret as mixed signals and mind games, I see as "tests" to see if you care if she's dating or not, or whether or not she moves out of state. I think given the fact that you were together 4 years and that you dumped and NC'd her, beating around the bush is understandable. If what she has to offer isn't enough for you now, it probably never will be. But if you want her back in your life, then be honest with her about how you feel. It's okay to say "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" but NC the game playing. It only makes things worse...

If you think it'll help, try it. But my experience has been that it's not guy friends who'll introduce you to someone, but girls. Think about it. Girls tend to hang with other girls right? Girls tend to know who's dating who. And girls like to hook people up and see them live happily ever after. Yes it's a compulsive illness... If a guy's a player, do you honestly think he'd share his "bounty"? (And I'm not talking paper towels by the way... lol) Final Analysis: Just make as many friends as possible and see where it leads you. Don't worry about being old and alone. I've met those guys and usually they're the ones that have made a concerted effort to push people away all their lives. You don't sound like that kind of guy.

Wow... you were his best man??? Some friend! I think it's more like to bite you in the "asterik" if you don't speak up and work this out with her. Show her this post or just explain it as you have here - That you trust her and you don't believe anything is going on, but his insistence on being alone with her really bothers you. (It's one thing if you were occasionally invited along, but to be deliberately excluded is troubling.) If she loves you (and I'm sure she does) she'll work with you to find a compromise that's acceptable to you both. As important as friendships are, you are the man who holds her heart captive. I'm sure she would never want to do anything that would damage your relationship. Give her a chance to fix this one!

No problem. I too am prone to thinking from time to time there is something wrong with me, but the older I get the more I realize what a waste of time it is to focus on what's wrong, when there's so much that is right. I hope you won't have to go through similar experiences to realize how pointless self denigration is, that there's nothing but fear stopping you from being happy, and that the past is the past (not your destiny.) In another post I mentioned to you how there's a big difference in how people perceive me on days where I'm open and friendly and on days where I'm looking for my self-esteem in the pavement. I'm not beautiful by any means, but it's no surprise that on those 'friendly' days more people approach me. You don't have to take my word. Ask your guy friends for an honest opinion about how other men might see you. You might be surprised how one small thing -- a smile -- could make such a huge difference in your life... more so than your intelligence, physical attractiveness, and being well-dressed. No one wants to be shot down and a frown seems to guarantee that that's exactly what you'd do if they tried. Oh and by the way, when I mention smiling, I'm not talking about the fake kind. I mean the kind of smile you beam to a baby just because you're happy it's loving, happy, playful life force exists in the universe. If you can beam one of those to your fellow man, it comes back 10 fold.

Welcome to Enot Billy99Bob! I agree with Emma, but just wanted to add that although you've had feelings for her for over a year, her heart was most likely very preoccupied with her boyfriend (now Ex.) So when you confessed your feelings to her without having spent the time to get to know and befriend her, she might have felt really uncomfortable by the unexpected nature of your confession. I know it's hard but if you really like a girl, you need to put forth the effort to get to know her and give her a chance to know and fall in love with you. You do this by being friendly, interested in her (ask her how she is, find out what's she into, etc.) , making her laugh, and by being flirtatious. If you both travel in the same social circles, the opportunities to intersect with her regularly shouldn't be a problem. It's just a matter of trying.

Hey Hutch, it's 2005! Yours is a hi-tech crush, so why not find out if it's a mutual one by using the latest in technology? Have fun!

The sexiest hobbies are ones which are mutually of interest to you and the woman in question. It's not the hobby itself that's important, it's the motivations and similar interests that draw a person to that hobby that will attract a woman of like mind and heart, and vice versa. In other words, it's pointless to fake your interests because sooner or later the "real" you and the "real" her will appear. Btw I do believe your recent investment of time in dance lessons will pay off big someday. I haven't met a girl yet who doesn't like a guy who's smooth on his feet.

Touchdown! I agree with Emma. Instead of worrying about his Ex, focus on what went right: Your boyfriend told her in no uncertain terms that he's happy with you and to never contact him again. I'd say that's pretty darn definitive, don't you? If it were me, I'd um... invite him to a very exclusive party tonight to celebrate the triumph of true love over evil. Clothing is optional. When the festivities are over, talk to him about what to do if she ever calls again. As long as you're in this together, nothing and noone can ever come between you.

Hey Skippy, I'm like you and from time to time find myself in similiar situations with friends. I agree with ShySoul. Backing off might get what you want initially, but it's not healthy for a relationship in the long run. Rather than stew with your feelings, get her alone and tell her how the lopsidedness of your relationship is bothering you and see if she's willing to meet you half way. I know it's hard to believe but she may have absolutely no idea how you doing the majority of the calling and initiating hurts you since it's now the set pattern of your relationship. Talk to her from the heart. What you're asking for is so little and easily accomplished. I really think you might just be happily surprised by her reaction. Oh and by the way, if you feel you can't talk to her to save face etc., then maybe you should ask yourself what it is you really want: To be "safe" at all costs or to be in a loving, intimate relationship? It's the little things we do and don't do that make all the difference in determining whether or not a relationship will grow and last. Why not make sure this one is grounded in love, honesty, trust, and respect?

*Hugs* Sweetchick. I've followed your posts over the months and I'm really sorry to hear you're scared and not feeling well. This must be a really frightening time for you. You've been given excellent advice. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you if you need to talk to someone. Aloha, smallworld

As someone who's worked in customer service jobs before, I wouldn't read too much into her friendliness (required by the job) and the phrase "uh, he's okay" in reponse to your questions. It's very likely she may have felt uncomfortable with you (a stranger) asking her how serious her relationship is after she's already made it a point of letting you know that she has a boyfriend. If you still want to pursue this, I agree with Beec. Leave her your contact information. The rest is up to her.

Hi Emily, I'm not a Catholic, but my SIL married into a Catholic family and I recall her taking some kind of induction course to become familiar with the Church's teachings. She and her fiance (now husband) wanted to be married in the church, but I have no idea if her taking the course was a gesture of sincerity and good will towards her future in-laws or if it was mandatory. I think your best bet after deciding if you both want to get married, is to talk to your priest and figure out what your options and your church's policies are. Good luck!

It helps if you don't think of dating as all that different from the other social arenas in your life. From your previous posts it seems that several of the key people in your life aren't very good for you. Rather than worry about dating per se, you might be happier and healthier in the long run if you seek to improve the quality all the relationships in your life overall. Ideally the 'right' guy is someone who manifests the qualities of being both your best friend and lover. So why not focus your efforts right now on just trying to befriend more loving and respectful people into your life? It sounds simplistic and obvious, but if you can learn to attract and keep quality friends in your life, you're much more likely to know what to do to attract and keep quality men in your life. Start small. I too am shy at times and can understand your reluctance to look "desperate and stupid." But if you think about it, what qualities do you find attractive in other people? Are you drawn to people who never smile? Who seem cold? How do you feel when someone reacts like that to your attempts to be friendly? This is how others percieve you when you shutdown or withdraw in response to their friendliness. Unless you intend to be the initiator in most of your relationships, your best bet is to focus right now on just becoming more open and approachable to others. All guys -- especially the shy ones -- need signals from you that it's okay to like you and to make the first move. If you know there's a mutual attraction, smiling and being friendly is actually a small risk... one that can lead to a wonderful friendship or possibly much more. The bigger risk is giving into your fears and actually giving up on getting to know someone just because they've committed the sin of liking you and showing it. So how to start being approachable??? Smile!!! Smiling isn't difficult if you 'practice' with strangers of all ages when your heart isn't on the online. Try smiling at kids and old ladies for instance. Then work your way up to women in general and then horrors of horrors... men your own age. Believe me I'm not all that, but when I smile at others, I've found most people can't resist and smile back. You'll find that the few that do resist are probably the sort of people you don't want to get to know anyway. The key thing here is that the more you smile and keep yourself open to others, the more natural and easy it becomes. When smiling becomes par for the course, try small talk. Change your mindset from worrying how you're going to be perceived to befriending and getting to know the people around you. Don't subdivide individuals by what you think they'll mean to you in the long run. Just make friends and see where that takes you... You already feel comfortable making small talk with strangers. Fortunately talking and flirting with guys isn't all that different. If you're attracted to them isn't it only natural to want to get them to know them better and find out what makes them tick? Start out with generic questions: How are they doing? What's new in their lives? Did they hear about...? Did they see that new movie you're interested in? Etc. (If not, ask them if they'd like to go with you and some friends.) Really it's that simple! The more you learn about them and the more you like each other, the easier it should become for you both to open up and share your lives with each other.

*Hugs* Sukerbut. As much as we love this place, we all have to take a timeout now and then, and your reasons are very understandable. I'm sorry to hear that things didn't turn out the way you hoped, but I'm glad you've gotten the closure you needed to begin moving on. The bottom line is you deserve to be loved by someone who truly appreciates all that you are and all that you have to offer. My rule of thumb: If "virtual" strangers are treating you with more kindness and respect than an Ex, then she probably doesn't deserve to be in your life. Happy Holidays and see you next year!

... Because you have a good heart and you really wanted to believe that he changed for the better this time. Unfortunately he hasn't done anything to merit the "second chance." For furture reference: People's personalities, proclivities, and habits don't change much unless they have a life-altering ephiphany or experience that makes them really want to change. Like I mentioned to you in an earlier post, if someone has hurt or abused you before, you need to look for signs that they sincerely feel remorse for what they've done and are actively making efforts to improve themselves (therapy etc.) and rectify the situation ( make amends with you.) If you don't see any effort on their part, then quite simply they haven't changed. I know you're hurting now, but think of it this way: You're getting better at seeing the "signs" that a guy isn't for you. Thank goodness this time your Ex showed his true colors fairly quickly. Who knows how much additional heartache you just saved yourself from? As for most guys beings this way, the best defense is a good offense. We have little control over what type of guys we attract, but we always have a choice about what what kind of behavior we will accept from others. If you find yourself attracting "users" then take things slowly and give yourself all the time you need to "qualify" your boyfriends and get to know them better to the point where you can trust them completely with your body and your heart. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable or the least bit disrespected, take a time out and evaluate: Is this someone you really want to be with? If this guy was dating your best friend or sibling instead of you, would you like, respect, and approve of him? Is this a minor misunderstanding? A "sign" of a deeper problem? Or simply a need for more heart to heart communication? Regardless, trust your instincts! If you look back on all the relationships you've had with "users", I believe you'll see "signs" from the very beginning that things weren't quite right. Rather than beat yourself up now for ignoring or not paying attention to to those signs, embrace and learn from them. This is the hard won education that will help you discern between guys that are good for you and guys that have no business being in your life.

My guess is she really wanted to talk, but felt like you were deliberately ignoring her when she didn't receive a response to her greeting. thereforeeee to save face she said "sorry didn't mean to." If you still interested in her friend-wise or love-wise, let her know you're sorry if her feelings were hurt, but you were out when she IM'd you.