Jump to content

smallworld

Bronze Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    805

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by smallworld

  1. smallworld
    I had a friend in a similar predicament many years ago. He graduated with an electrical engineering degree and didn't do so well, so his parents convinced him his true calling in life was to become an auto mechanic. He enrolled, but quickly dropped out when he realized he was surrounded by guys who had been taking apart cars their whole lives for fun and his only motivation was to please his parents. Needless to say he didn't last a month. I think you answered your own questions. You're not interested and you don't want to go into another profession. Even though plumbers make 'mad' money, if you have absolutely have no interest in plumbing then it would be a bigger waste of time for you to pursue it. Think of it this way, if you feel 'old' now, how much older will you feel if you invest your energies pursuing careers you have no interest in and then finally realize you really were on the right path all along? Stay the course. You know yourself and your professional possibilities better than anyone else. If at some later point you decide business and computers isn't for you, you can always pursue other options later.
  2. smallworld
    As romantic as I am, I believe that we shouldn't worry about meeting or missing out on our destiny when it comes to love. If there is such a thing as a soulmate and you meet the 'one', I strongly believe you'll know as the serendipity of meeting someone you'll inexplicably connect with on so many levels would have to be amazing and undeniable. But even if you meet such an individual, you both still have free will and may or may not end up together. So rather than ask if soulmates exist, it would seem that a more valuable and worthwhile investment of your time would be to try and find others you might share a deeper sense of connection with on emotional and spiritual levels. Seek the higher ground and whatever you find is bound to be more fulfilling and gratifying in the end.
  3. smallworld
    Shorty, as long as her husband is in Iraq, your friend is probably feeling an immense sense of helplessness that she deals with by taking out her fears and frustrations on those around her. It's not rational or fair, but if you love her and have the strength to do so, you might consider extending the first olive branch. You've done nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for, but if you must say you're sorry, tell her "I'm sorry you're going through all this. You don't deserve it," and then pour on the hugs. Tell her you're here for her no matter what. Tell her how much she means to you. Although it's none of her business, explain to her that this guy is your friend and although you regret that she and he no longer get along, your friendship with him has no bearing on your friendship with her. Tell her if she can't handle your friendship with him, then it'll have to be her choice to end things with you. By putting the ball in her court, you're forcing to her to face the reality of the situation, see that she's the one that's making a big deal out of nothing, and make a formal choice about where you both stand. Hopefully the confrontation will force her to seek out healthier ways of dealing with her frustration (like talking) rather than trying to control her friends.
  4. smallworld
    Maybe it's just me, but based on your enotAlone nickname and your lack of enthusiasm about this relationship, it sounds like you no longer value what he has to offer and can't name one single thing you still love about him. Not good signs! You're right to question the viability of your future together. If he has no self-motivation to better himself, he's not likely to ever change. And if he really was a positive influence in your life, your grades wouldn't be suffering. Real love nurtures and brings out the best in one another and unfortunately this doesn't sound like the case between you. If you find it too hard to break things off in one fell swoop, try a trial seperation and see how you both feel, but from an outsider's point of view it seems like you've already decided that a breakup is inevitable.
  5. smallworld
    Yes it's possible and I wish you the best of luck in finding her. Perhaps it's just me being in my 30's but I don't see your chances being that greatly reduced at 24. If virginity is that important to you, you can always date younger ladies who fit your criteria. As for the girl being beautiful, I always find it amusing when young guys mention this. When the right girl comes along, she'll seem beautiful to you regardless of what anyone else thinks. So imho this isn't even an issue! That being said, I truly believe that when the One walks into your life, this person may or may not fit all the criteria of the ideal person you envisioned. But the funny thing is when you find the One, criteria that once seemed non-negotiable, now seems inconsequential compared to the beautiful essense of the person in front of you and the love and understanding they have to offer you. But in all honesty there's nothing I or anyone else can say to convince you of this... You just have to discover the truth of it for yourself.
  6. smallworld
  7. smallworld
    Awww. I like Luke! He sounds like a real sweetie. I don't know many guys who would willingly set a girl they're interested in up with a best friend. That being said, don't date Chuck. To do so would just be to lead him on and it could become a potentially messy situation if you started having serious feelings for both guys. My advice would be to tell Luke that you wouldn't feel right going out with Chuck. If he asks why, just look him in the eye and tell him the truth. Your heart already belongs to someone else.
  8. smallworld
    It's not selfish to express how you feel. It's healthy! We all have to process through our feelings before we can figure out what it is that we really want to do about a situation. You have every right to feel hurt, concerned, and bewildered. That being said, I agree with Minty. Do a little research about where his Mom lives and see what's possible. Also suggest to your bf the possibility that his Mom come and stay for an extended visit (after the dad passes) to see if relocating to your town is acceptable. I realize she'd prefer the familiarity of her house etc. but from an outsider's point of view, the social and financial cost of him relocating are fairly high. He stands to lose you, his job, regular contact with his children, and the support of friends. How good of a caretaker can he really be to his mother if his emotional support system is gone??? It's important to honor one's parents, but not at the expense of the entire family's well-being and yes... you're a member of his family whether or not a ring is on your finger.
  9. smallworld
    It happens when people have things in common and hit "it" off. If no one is saying anything (or reciprocating) it could be because they're shy and or uncomfortable. If you're the host, it's your job to put people at ease and make the effort to get to know them. Try to find common ground with these folks, keep things lighthearted, and be interested in what they have to say. Share yourself and your opinions with them. These are the sorts of things that help others feel comfortable around you and interested in becoming friends with you. Another thing: Making friends takes time and repeated social exposure to one another, so don't expect too much from any given situation. Just keep putting yourself out there and eventually you'll click with someone.
  10. smallworld
    Sugaree, there's a third option. Have the kid and give it up for adoption. No guilt trip from here, but it seems to me that you're ambivalent about getting the abortion and you've only chosen it out of default because you don't like the idea of bringing an unwanted baby into the world. There are so many people in this world who would want and love that baby immensely and it seems a real shame to me to extinguish that hope when so much good can come out of what at first appears to be an extremely stressful situation. Whatever you decide, I wish you well. You know what's best for you. It's a difficult decision. You didn't do anything to "deserve" this. Unfortunately when others feel "trapped" by a situation, they tend to take out their fears and frustrations on the people that are closest at hand and whom they know will take whatever they 'dish' out. You're better off dumping your bf, and looking for support from friends, family, and social organizations like the YWCA, and moving forward on your own. As it is his resentment is only going to cause you more problems down the road no matter what you decide to do. It's hard, but just be grateful he's showing his true colors now before you committed yourself to him any further.
  11. smallworld
    If you truly are friends, it shouldn't be any problem to let your friends know you're interested in expanding your social circle. But it's probably easier if you just take things into your own hands. For instance, you could throw a party or organize an event (like going to a basketball game etc.) and ask your friend if he/she knows anyone who's into the same things and might want to come along. Bonus: When you invite people to hang out with you, they generally reciprocate and your social circle thereforeeee expands naturally.
  12. smallworld
    Repeatedly choosing to sit next to you when it's completely unnecessary is a very good sign! She did it twice. If she does it a third time, ask her on a study date and reward yourselves afterwards with some coffee or ice cream (we all need a pick me up sometime right?), and/or invite her over to watch one of those funny tv shows or movies she keeps bringing up. Rinse and repeat.
  13. smallworld
    If she's annoyed with your computer science questions, I'd stop asking her and find someone else to tutor you. It isn't fair or right, but some girls are highly traditional in their thinking of what a "real man" is and are easily really turned off by a guy's "helplessness." On the other hand she did give you her number which is a very good sign. Don't call her again (because it'll just reinforce the idea that you need her more than she needs you.) Just focus on flirting, letting her know you admire her as beauty as well as her intelligence, and make the time you spend with her fun and lighthearted, and things should start falling into place. When you ask her out, ask her in person. Start small and just ask her to grab a coffee or ice cream with you after class. Once she starts seeing you as a suitor instead of someone who is using her to get free tutoring, the sincerity of your interest in her should become very clear.
  14. smallworld
    I believe whoever does the asking, should do the paying. Ideally when you're dating exclusively you alternate who wines and dines each other which is more romantic than say whipping out the calculator and going 'dutch.' Hmmm. Well it's all in how you talk about her friends. If you said in a rather playful tone of voice that "I'd rather not meet up with them, because I want to spend my time with you alone." I think she might have found ditching her friends highly tempting.
  15. smallworld
    It isn't fair, but the only way out of this mess is to prove you're a person who keeps their word and to accept your family as they are (because believe me they're never going to change no matter how 'crazy' or 'wrong' they are.) Don't let their accusations get to you and make you want to retaliate by proving them right, because that's a losing game. Revenge only gives temporary satisfaction and starts wars of mutually assured destruction that destroy what little trust was left between you. Take the high road instead. Buy your aunt a 6pk or replace the beer funds. Remind her that she said you could take the beer, but don't ever borrow anything from her again, because it's not worth the hassle or heartache. Tell your parents you've replaced the beer and if they bring it up again, tell them you've made amends and ask them what else you should have done. If they keep rehashing old mistakes, just tell them you appeciate your input, but remind them that you've made amends and then leave the room. Sooner or later they'll get the message. As for Luke, if you like him that much, why not lean on him emotionally? He sounds like the one person who could really be a good friend to you at a time like this.
  16. smallworld
    My guess is if you're having the problem of date ambiguity, it's because you're not flirting enough with the girls in question and coming off more as a 'friend' than a potential suitor. Try to flirt more before you ask them out and make it clear in small ways that you're attracted to them. For example express your admiration when she does anything really well (which shows you admire a girl's brain as well as the nicer looking parts of her), really listen to whatever it is she has to say (which shows you sincerely care about what she thinks and feels), compliment her on what that they're wearing if it's interesting, and tell her she looks pretty when she does. Most guys your age are too enamored with a girl's outsides to notice the beauty within, so that kind of sincere, flattering attention will definitely make you stand out in her thoughts as a special guy. You could make things clearer by upping the romantic aspect of the the type of date you ask them out on. For example: movies, mini golf, or ice cream is what I'd usually suggest for first dates, but they're not as romantic as say a nice dinner and dancing which requires you both to get all dressed up. Something as simple as a single rose when you meet her, chivalry (opening doors, pulling chairs), and hugging her when you meet and leave her can make all the difference. Make it clear that you want to treat her to a night of fun and I think she'll get the idea that you see her as more "girl" than friend. If that sounds a bit daunting, you might try a group date where it's clear that everyone's already a couple. Voila! No need to use the word "date" when it's so obvious you're already on one.
  17. smallworld
    YES, because a serious relationship not only involves the feelings two people have for each other, but for themselves. If you don't love yourself and/or believe no one will ever truly love you, you unfortunately bring all the 'emotional baggage' and the problems which come with such beliefs into all of your relationships (both platonic and romantic.) If you're lucky, you'll find yourself in love with someone that can help you break those dyfunctional relationship patterns, but more likely than not, the patterns run deep and will sabotage the relationship if the two parties involved don't have a sincere desire to work through challenges, a profound understanding of the underlying problems, and are willing to engage in the hard work it takes to replace old behaviors with healthier, more fulfilling ways of communicating and getting one another's needs met. If none of that sounds fun or romantic, it's because it isn't. But it works!
  18. smallworld
    *Hugs* Shinobie. I know it's hard to believe that things will ever get better, but if there's one thing I've learned from my short time on this planet is that life rarely gives us more than what we ask of it. So in answer to your question "How does life get better?" It doesn't. We just hopefully get better at dealing with it by learning that life in and of itself isn't good or bad -- It just "is" - but if we want to improve our circumstances and our likelihood of being happy (however one defines that), it's still our 'job' to decide what we really want from it and go after it 200%. I can understand the strong desire to give up and think things are "pointless" (like your sig indicates), but the simple truth is this - If you don't dream, plan, work, and scheme your way to a better life, nothing much changes. As hopeless as you might feel now, all these things that have fallen through are temporary setbacks, not proof positive that your life is doomed. We have no control over what challenges life throws our way, but it's OUR choice as to how we see and utilize them. Whether you see the challenges as setbacks or stepping stones that lead you to something greater is ALL up to you. Now that you're in a "downtime" in your life, you might as well make good use of the time to regenerate your confidence in your strengths and abilities. Write out a list of everything you've ever accomplished and/or been proud of. Look at the times where you defied the odds and went after something anyway even though common sense or others told you were crazy to do so. What qualities and strengths helped you do the impossible? These very same qualities are those which will help you get through this time onto your next big thing. Need inspiration? Read history. You'd be amazed with the challenges that life threw at the "greats." In fact, JFK wrote his college thesis about such people and it became a popular book as well as movie series.
  19. smallworld
    Samrokbuk, what you're feeling now -- the tears and the desire to not move on -- are a part of the process of moving on. Even though it was your decision to end things, the fact that you're still hung up on him months later prove that there are still feelings there that need to be processed and worked through. This is why jumping into rebound relationships (before getting over the previous relationship) seldom works. There were viable reasons why you broke up with him. Have they really changed? If not, then don't second guess yourself. He wasn't the first person to fall in love with you and he's not likely to be the last. Take some time to figure out where and how you guys you went wrong and use that information to figure out what is you really want from a relationship so that when Mr. Right walks in the door, you'll know without a doubt. In the meanwhile be your best friend and treat yourself kindly. Suffering is optional. Two books that've helped me (and that are probably in your local library): How to Mend A Broken Heart by Aleta Koman In the Meantime : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant.
  20. smallworld
    I believe a well-lived life is about "balance." Academics are important, but not to the point that one sacrifices a social life. If you work "smarter" I truly believe you can have both. When I was in uni, my bf (now husband) was on scholarship and yet he managed to find the time to volunteer, socialize, work, and spend time with me every day. Before he went to uni, he was much like you in thinking that girls would distract him from his studies, but family problems his senior year of high school made him realize how invaluable girl friends can be (nevertheless girlfriends.) So when I came along and it was clear things were getting serious, we multi-tasked. We'd eat meals together with friends, study with each other in the evenings, and go out on the weekends. Ironically becoming more efficient just made his grades go even higher! (I wish I could say the same, but I was too busy studying how cute he was.) So imho, give this girl a chance, but find a way to make your time together count. If she sincerely cares about you, she already knows how important school is to you and would never want to interfere with your studies just as she wouldn't want you to interfere with hers.
  21. smallworld
    He may have just been playing, but if it bothers you (as it would me), talk to him about it and tell him what types of loving things you'd rather hear instead. The longer you keep quiet, the more likely he is to talk to keep talking that way with you because he thinks you're ok with it.
  22. smallworld
    Hey Nikkers, you're in a tough spot. If he comes over, I'd tell him that he has to make a choice. If he wants to be with you, then tell him that's what you want too. But if he wants to date other women then he needs to give you time to get over him and move on. I realize you want this guy to be "the one", but by letting him drop into your life whenever it suits him (but ignore you when it doesn't), you're essentially allowing him to treat you like a doormat and thereforeeee, he has no incentive to commit to you and you alone. I know it's hard, but if you really love him, the loving thing to do is to let him go and figure out what he really wants. He can't do this if you don't NC him.
  23. smallworld
    Hey Kimono, you're not alone. I've been known to take 2 months to open email and I sincerely dread phone calls. Unfortunately this isn't something that can be easily resolved on one's own. APD is similar to phobias, so it's often recommended that avoidants try cognitive behavioral therapy (to increase exposure to social interaction) and supportive or group therapy (to increase understanding and motivation to change.) I did a quick 'google' and hear's an article you might find enlightening: link removed
  24. smallworld
    I agree! I recommend Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy by David Burns which gives practical step by step advice on how to challenge and reprogram the negative thinking that leads to depression. This is not a rah rah self-help book. (You can find similar books by clicking "books" to the left of the "Red Cross" donation link above.) Affirmations can work, but they have to be free "true" to you. Maybe the ones you're reciting are too generic and don't necessarily apply. It might be more useful to list things you sincerely like about yourself (and while you're at it another list of challenges you've faced in the past and overcome) and put them up where you can see them every day (like a bathroom mirror.) Reinforce and strengthen your opinion of yourself, and you'll feel stronger.
  25. smallworld
    I think his desires are normal and so are yours, but the old adage is basically true: Men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love. The problem is that when dissatisfaction has developed to this point, it's because the "me"s have become more important than the "we." The solution is compromise and communication, but one of you has to be the bigger person and offer the olive branch first. If you want an affectionate husband, become the woman of his fantasies and seduce him. If his drive is higher and he wants to increase your flagging desire in sex, he needs to do what it takes (attention, affection, romance) to help increase your desire to participate. Ironically I don't see the binary setup of your intimate relations as a burden, but an opportunity. On your days "off", let that be his day to focus on meeting your emotional needs without any expectation of sexual gratification. And on his days "on", make it your business to inflame his desire by slowly building his anticipation throughout the day. Before you head back into the bedroom for further negotiations, you might find the following books useful. Sometimes with a subject as touchy as sex, it's easier to hear advice given from a book than from one's own spouse. The following explain the above concepts in further detail and include a lot of fun, useful suggestions: Light Her Fire & Light His Fire by Dr. Ellen Kreidman
×
×
  • Create New...