smallworld

Of course it does! The question is what's being measured? Bank accounts? IQ? Size of the heart? As for me, I'm more impressed by how a gentleman wields his instrument versus the dimensions of the instrument itself.

Hey Shorty, Glad to hear things are working out so well for you! He's voluntarily packing your dishes and can't seem to get enough of your time??? I have a good feeling about this one...

*Hugs* Bsp_kjm. Based on your previous post, it sounds like your Ex is a very private person who most likely hasn't told her family that you've broken up or that she's now in love with a woman. I don't think you're reading too much into this invitation. The breakup and the turmoil of emotions you're going through is still very raw. If you don't think you can handle socializing with the family, call or write them a nice note explaining how much the time you've shared with them has meant to you, but that you're no longer dating their daughter. If you'd like to go, go. If you'd like to continue being friends at some later point, say so. There is no right or wrong here. What does your heart tell you?

Teacup, although I've never suffered through a physically abusive relationship, my family too is Asian and I truly understand how money can be an emotionally charged issue for you. Just two days ago I had to deal with this. My husband and I went to a sandwhich shop run by a Korean lady. When it came time to pay, she asked me who was paying and seemed highly amused when I said "The woman of course!" She wouldn't let it go and proceeded to make fun of my husband for not being "man" enough to pay. I felt belittled because like you I grew up within a culture where the men always pay and knew what she was insinuating: That only unattractive women have to 'pay'. She had no idea we were married. All she saw was a woman paying for a man's lunch. But in those three minutes of crassness she revealed to me everything I needed to know about herself and her establishment. Needless-to-say we won't be patronizing her shop any more. Despite my traditional upbringing, I've always believed that it's more important to treat others as you wish to be treated. And I refuse to believe that my self-worth (or anyone else's) can ever be determined by how much any man or woman does or doesn't spend on me. I don't believe any one gender should have to pay all the time. I don't believe in going dutch. I don't believe in 'fairness'. I believe in friendship and I believe in love. And I believe whoever does the inviting, should do the paying. If you find yourself with someone who rarely reciprocrates, don't take it personally. Just move on. Their cheapness isn't about you and your self-worth. It's about them and their own issues with money. My husband has a friend like this. I used to get irritated with this 'friend' and his tendency to complain about how much everything costs (for instance if we're seeing a movie matinee, he'd complain about that), but now I just feel sorry for him because I see that he's reaped what he's sown. He's an MBA who makes fairly good money and yet his cheapness consistenly offends others and has cost him more in career advancement, friendship, and in love than it has ever profited him. His neverending loneliness is the natural consequence of his overvaluing money over the people in his life. That being said, I agree with the others that say it's more important HOW others treat you than how much they spend. In college my boyfriend (now husband) was on scholarship and had very little money to spend on himself, nevertheless a girlfriend. And yet he was always generous with me even when we were just friends with his time, his heart, and his "shoulder". I actually paid for most of our 'big' dates at that time but never felt shortchanged, because he was constantly chivalrous with me in small ways that let me know how much he cared about me. So for someone like myself who grew up feeling unloved and misunderstood and who now lived in a metropolis 2500 miles away from home, the love that he showered me with in 29 cent hamburgers, love letters, silly souveniers he picked up when we were apart, and "just because" phone calls meant more to me than any bevy of expensive dates ever could. So perhaps you're a right... Perhaps I was fool for giving up my 'power' when I chose to love him despite his inability to romance me with greenbacks, but somehow after all these years I think I still got the better end of the deal... PS. ShySoul thank you so much for being the voice of compassion, understanding, and reason in this post. It rarely happens but it's always disconcerting for me to see when a mere difference of opinion turns ugly. It's hard for anyone to ask for help and takes a lot of courage for one to bare one's soul. I admire those who take that risk here at Enotalone every day. Many times I too have found myself angry and disgusted with viewpoints expressed here, but then I remind myself that the open expression of those viewpoints is the only way that things every get resolved. There's already so much needless pain and warfare in the world, why add to it by demonizing those that disagree with us? Enotalone is an amazing place of love, understanding, and healing whose slogan "You're not alone" encompasses the gifts of empathy and compassion that people most need in their darkest hours. They come here seeking it because it's so obviously in short supply in the real world. So although others may not say it often enough, I feel compelled to say it now: Thank you so much Shy for always taking the time to stand up for the disenfranchised. It's people like yourself who give shyer folks like me the courage to speak our minds even when we know our viewpoints might not be shared or accepted by the prevailing majority. And in fact it was your outspokenness and sensitivity towards others less fortunate on this site that encouraged me to register and start posting here. I admire you immensely and hope that you never stop being a "mind with a heart of it's own." Kudos!

There will always be people who irritate us and make our lives miserable, but it's not who throws the first punch that counts. It's who ends it - peacefully. Reasonable people resolve their conflicts by listening to each other and talking out their problems. Everyone wants to be respected, heard, understood, appreciated, and loved. Does violence or talking 'smack' get you any of these things? Be the bigger person and walk away when things get heated, because it's pointless to resort to fighting when talking out things later is much more likely to get you both what you really want with a lot less blood.

Hey Jordan, Write her a song. Season it with allusions to special moments you've shared and I'm sure she'll start seeing you in a more romantic light. Serenade her! PS. Back in the day I regularly asked my crush to proofread my poems. Ironically they all just happened to be about him.

Hey Hutch, if you're constantly talking about missing "kissing and stuff", I think chances are very good that she's interested in you as more than a friend. Just keep doing what you're doing... Flirt! Hug her. Make her laugh. And towards the end of the evening be sure to make a joke about how you're really feeling kissing deprived. Maybe she'll put you out of your misery!

I think things are going really well! I wouldn't read too much into the kiss on the cheek. A lot of girls -- no matter how hot the guy is -- aren't comfortable kissing right away. Next time go for a hug that lingers, but as you pull away, brush your lips softly against her hair and then her cheek. Look into her eyes and she'll let you know if she wants more.

Nedyak, no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed. You aren't harming anyone and the pillow is soft and touches you in all the right places. It sounds like you haven't had an orgasm yet, but you've come very close. Do you think it's possible that you haven't climaxed before because something is holding you back? How's your fantasy life? As for your boyfriend, no matter how wonderful a lover he might be, it's rare for a girl to climax with a lover if she herself doesn't know how to please herself. Like everything else in life, it pays to do your homework. Try this site for starters...

Mdal, you can't control what kids do outside the classroom, but you do have incontrovertible dominion in the classroom. If your class is getting out of hand, then it's time to crack down on the insubordination. Next class, lay down the law. Let your students know that from now on you won't tolerate disruptions, inform them what the consequences will be, and then follow through. If you're as "hot" as they say, the threat of being sent away from your classroom should be more than enough motivation to comply with your new rules. When I was looking for similar information, this book came highly recommended: The First Days of School by Harry K. Wong & Rosemary T. Wong Do you have a mentor? It might help to have a teaching veteran observe your teaching methods and point out small things you can do to better maintain control over your classroom. You can also find plenty of commiseration and great advice online at sites like Good luck!

Hey SugarandSpice, I am the Queen of Procrastination and a voice from your future. I'm here to tell you that yes the "idea" of growing up can be scary, but the reality is you've been growing up from the moment you were born. Now way back when you were a toddler did you worry about how you were ever going to learn how to walk when all you knew was how to crawl? Did you worry that you'd never leave the babbling stage, learn how to talk or ever be understood by anyone? When you got to preschool, did you worry about learning how to tie your shoelaces? how to read? ride a bike? cross the street? My guess is no! You were too busy living in the moment back then to worry about "growing up." The same idea can apply here. Instead of worrying about "What If's" just study! Don't worry about the future. The only thing any of us has any control over is our behavior in the PRESENT, so that's where you focus should be. Studying isn't stressful in and of itself. It's your worries about what studying may or may not do for you that are holding you back. You worry that studying is pointless (particularly because you've put it off for 5 weeks and think maybe you can't catch up at this point), that you'll fail, and if you fail, you'll either not graduate, or you will and no one will ever hire you, because your grades could be subpar right? But the truth is if you don't study, odds are you're more likely to see your nightmares come true than if you just put in the time and effort to learn the material in the first place. First things first. Make a calendar that outlines the entire semester on one page. Write in when everything is due, so that you can see in a glance what needs to be done and how much time you have left. Break down what needs to be done for each project or assignment and schedule those in your calendar and in a weekly scheduler/organizer. Write out what needs to be done every day to meet those goals and do the things you dread most, first. Decide ahead of time what rewards (shopping? a night out with friends? a movie?) you're going to give yourself if you finish a project or assignment ahead of schedule. It's amazing what we can get done if we know there's a goody involved. 8) Get real with yourself. What time of day are you most likely to get a lot of studying done? Are you a night owl? A morning person? Do you study better alone or with friends? At a late night diner or at your desk at home? With the stereo blasting or dead silent? Whatever makes it easier for you to concentrate, do it. Set aside that time as sacrosanct and don't allow yourself to do anything else but study at that time daily. Do yourself a favor and set up a specific space to do your studying, so that you don't waste time hunting down school supplies, etc. and it's easier for you to concentrate because the distractions are minimal. If you have problems with time management, keep a timer near by and set it for 30 minute or hour intervals, so that you don't spend too much time on any one subject at the expense of others. Reward yourself every hour or so with a small treat and/or a 5 minute breather/walk. You'll also find studying going a lot easier if you work on learning things piece meal over the course of several nights, vs. cramming as much as you can at the last minute. If something is due ASAP, get in do or die mode. Don't worry about the quality of your work at this point. Just do what's necessary to meet the minimum requirements of the assignment and get it done. Usually you'll find if you force yourself to concentrate, the work tends to take care of itself. Finally when you get your grades back, don't measure your progress by how well you do against others, but by how well you do against yourself. Whatever grades you get, learn from your mistakes. Figure out what you could have done better if you had only known what you know now, then apply that knowledge to next semester. Know that your grades or any other "measure" of your progress isn't a measure of your self-worth or your long term employability. Every one is human and everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes and not let them get the best of you. Your past isn't your future. Prove to yourself that you're not a quitter and that when life throws you a challenge, you can more than meet it by adapting, surviving, and overcoming. As for your eating disorders, the cliche is true: it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you. From what little I've read, e.d. often has to due with ambivalence about growing up and feelings of helplessness and lack of control. Have you tried group therapy? Having a group of like minded individuals to talk to weekly and who understand what you're going through could make you feel less alone and better able to cope with what's causing you to binge and purge. Try talking with a counselor on campus. I'm sure that you're not the only one at school struggling with these issues and a counselor would be able to put you into contact with a group that meets nearby. Good luck and if you need someone to listen, please feel free to PM me. Hugs, smallworld

Yes tell your girlfriend! I realize you're trying to spare her pain and keep the relationship worry free, but the damage this problem could cause if she found out from anyone else but you is a far greater threat. Imho being forthcoming with something like this can only bring you closer together. As for the harasser, you need to be clear with her that you won't tolerate being harassed anymore and then you need to document, document, document! Lots of great advice here about how to nip the harassment in the bud before resorting to going up the authority chain... Fighting Sexual Harassment link removed

Hi Kiwiguy, With any relationship but particularly one where someone's been hurt before by the repercussions of sexual intimacy, it's best to take things slowly. If you truly care about her, you'll let her know that you're willing to wait however long it takes and that you're willing to let her dictate the pace of things. Trust is key here and the less you push, the more comfortable she'll be opening up to you emotionally and eventually sexually. Like BabyChristy said, take the time to get to know her and just have fun. Romance her and make her feel cherished. When the time is right hold her and make the magic last as long as possible. Rediscover the art of kissing, touching, holding one another, and truly connecting with her. These are the things that will encourage her that you're the guy she can trust with all of her.

Hi Ant, I read a few of your back posts to see where you're coming from and it's understandable why you're confused. Your Ex has a habit of dropping by whenever he's aroused and saying the words you most long to hear, inevitably leading to you both spending the night together. The problem is the rest of the "habit" involves him disappearing again. I'd like to think that this time he'll be different, but I think if you examine the relationship from an outsider's point of view, you'll see he doesn't have much incentive to change his 'dog' ways. Why should he get all the 'goodies' at your heart's expense? You deserve better than that, don't you think? Talk things out when sex isn't in the cards and see if he's willing to give you the love and respect -- your terms, your definitions -- you long for and deserve. If not, well you know what to do with him...

Interesting question. None of the guys I've ever been attracted to are similiar in appearance. It's more a matter of heart, brains and personality vs. brawn for me. But all things being equal, I think Julie Brown said it best... "What kind of guy does a lot for me A Superman with a lobotomy..." link removed

*Hugs* Faded. I know you deleted your previous post about what a nightmare your date was, but I can't forget what you wrote. His sister attacked you and your "bf" did nothing to stop her. Even worse, he was the one who instigated the fight and then blamed you for it. Are you sure you want to keep seeing this guy? I know at one point you thought he was your soulmate, but if his sister was the one actually writing you all those emails, who were you really dating??? Imho, this family should be the one calling you... with a huge apology! They're just lucky you're not pressing charges!

Everything, but not all at once...

*Hugs* Suzie, Stay safe! I agree with everyone else. It's best to leave when he's gone. As for the cats, lots of great advice here: link removed

Armchairshrink, I don't think you're being too hasty to judge the situation, but based on her honesty with you and their obvious happiness, I suggest telling him the truth BUT encouraging him to make it a prerequisite that she get a job before they get married. I'd advise him to consider an engagement of at least a year from the time she gets the job, so working becomes second nature to her vs. a hobby. Getting that job isn't just about paying her fair share. It's also about loving her enough to want her to be self-sufficient (What if anything were to ever happen to him?) and to encourage her to grow and thrive into the best version of herself. It seems to me no one has ever really had any expectations for this girl and she's unfortunately met those lack of expectations. Love is supposed to enrich our lives and make us better than we ever thought we could be. Why not her? Why not him? Why not now? If she balks at the idea of getting a job, he'll have to decide how much he's willing to do to support her carefree lifestyle. But at least if you point out the truth, he can make an informed decision.

Teacup, If a guy in any way makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, trust your instincts and don't go out with him. Suitors are supposed to make you feel beautiful and special, not like a potential one night stand. Hold out for a guy whom you're attracted to, but one who finds your mind, heart, and spirit just as beautiful if not more so than your physical beauty. Hold out for someone who respects your culture, your values, and beliefs. Hold out for someone who wants to know everything there is to know about your dreams, ambitions, and deepest desires. Hold out for someone who loves and understand the real you and you'll never have to wonder why he's with you, if you can trust him, or what his intentions are. You'll just know!

Jessika, I know you want some kind of revenge, but don't you see? The best revenge is to live happily ever after without him. You saw how he freaked out when you thought you and your money were walking out of his life. What more do you need? Just because someone says "I love you", doesn't mean he a) means it. b) even know what that means c) knows what that means to you. Your best bet is to tell all prospective future bfs that Rule #1 is "If you love Jessika, you must call her more than once a day." The real test of love isn't how strong your feelings are for him, but how well you love and understand each other. Unfortunately Andrew doesn't seem to be doing all that good of a job, does he?

Neither. You're Khujo56. It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but often times that which seems like a bad thing can actually be a blessing in disguise. Seriously I know you're hurting now, but relationships aren't about winning or losing. They're about finding someone who likes us as we are, shares our interests, and with whom we're emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and spiritually compatible. So when things don't work out, rather than feel "less than", it's kinder to oneself and more honest to see the breakup as a matter of incompatibility. At some level you both weren't meeting each other's needs and this is why you've parted. It's up to you as to how you choose to see this latest chapter of your life. But perhaps this story will help... Parable: The Old Man of the Great Wall Lost His Horse [continue story by clicking "Page Down"] link removed

Nikkers, if you want to see him, see him, but no you're not practicing NC and so as long as you both are in regular contact, you're going to find yourself asking the same questions over and over again: How do I act?? Do I act like we are just friends and let him make all the moves? Do I act like we are fine and give him hugs? The point is there is no "right" way to act that will "spark what (you) use to have." If there is a formula it's this: Be yourself. If that's not enough to convince him that you're the "One", than nothing is.

The best thing you can do when you've done someone wrong is to sincerely apologize, explain your actions, and pledge not to do it again. My question to you though is "Why are you mean to her?" Did she really ever do anything to deserve it? If you know you're likely to belittle her again, you're better off just leaving her alone. No one wants to be friends with someone who find its funny (haha) to hurt their feelings. Whether or not something is "gonna come out of this", you never know what other girls are watching and thinking "If he'll treat her like that, why would I want to go out with him?" Think before you speak. Treat everyone like you want to be treated, and this issue will never come up again.

Never. I'm 35, have tried alcohol 3x and never liked it.