smallworld

Thanks Sweetheart! You really made my day! Teacup, I completely agree with the excellent advice Juha, Jadtt, and Sweetheart have given you. Discerning the good from the bad really is about self-esteem and making good choices. Right now you don't sound like you trust your own judgement. If not, it's best to take a time out like Sweetheart recommended and just learn what makes you feel happy and fulfilled whether or not a man is in your life. If you want to know what the "norms" are, take the time to make more friends with men and women and look for healthy role models in the relationships around you. Get comfortable liking and being "you" (By the way men like women who like themselves and know what they want. Win-win!) and when a dating prospect comes into your life, you'll know if he's "good" enough for you or not.

*Hugs* Juha. Thanks for the compliment. Actually that's another sign of a "good" guy... He knows and can admit when a woman's right. It saddens me to read that someone as kind and thoughtful as yourself thinks on some level you weren't "good enough" for your Ex. Obviously if she prefers losers, abusers, and addicts to a gentleman, then she has a problem with being treated well, not with you. Please don't let her low self-esteem and stupidity turn you into someone bitter who believes that "good" guys can't win. The world needs more guys like you, not less...

Darkpumpkin, Yes I do think he's using her, but the problem is as long as she's willing to accept this "arrangement" with him, there's not much you can do except be there for her and point out what you see. Whether or not she listens is up to her. On a side note, I really feel for you. This is one of the hardest parts about being a friend... watching someone you care deeply about choose to be in a relationship that you know isn't good for them. It must be hard listening to her talk about him and seeing her accept less than she deserves.

Hi Sweetheart, learning how to be happy sounds like a good investment! I have a feeling once you find your bliss, you'll be fighting the guys off with a stick. By the way your mother sounds like a really wise lady!

I'd be happy to help, but I need more information. What are her hobbies? Is there anything she's always wanted but hesitates to buy for herself?

Every guy has the potential to be good or bad, but generally if a guy is "good" he likes you, respects you, and wants what's in your best interests. Like SeaBisquit says if a guys' "good", there's no doubt about it. You can trust him with anything -- money, your deepest secrets & desires, your body, your best friend's body (lol) but most importantly with your heart. A good guy cares at least as much about your feelings as he does his own and he'd never do anything that would knowingly hurt you. When a good guy likes you he wants to make you feel loved and happy. He's interested in your life and what makes you tick. He wants, values, and respects your opinions. He makes an effort to be friendly with your family and friends because he knows just how important those people are to you. He finds even your most annoying habits endearing. When he fights with you, he fights fair. He wants to solve the "problem" and his fights are about issues, not about trying to tear you down, shut you up, or shut you out. Even when you disagree, he always remembers that you're someone he loves dearly, not his archnemesis. In his mind there's never enough time in the day to spend with you. And when you're apart he does little things to let you know he's thinking of you and/or to make your life easier. (i.e. cooks or brings home dinner when he knows you're had a hard day, nurses you back to health when you're ill, takes your car in for an oil change, and occasionally buys you little gifts "just because" something caught his eye and he thought you might like it.) Essentially you can rely on him for "better or worse" for anything... whether it's running out to buy you feminine products in an emergency or holding you when you can't stop crying. When he touches you, you can see in his eyes how much he loves you. He never pressures you into doing anything you don't want to do and he'll wait as long as it takes for you to feel ready to be intimate with him. Sex isn't just sex for him. There may be a world full of beautiful sexy women out there, but for him there might as well be only one woman... YOU. When he holds you, time stops and it just feels so right. There's no doubt or question in your mind that he loves you. You just know that everything that you are is everything he wants and needs in a woman. So how do you determine whether you've fallen for a genuinely good guy or an imposter? Take things slowly and watch how he handles the "small promises" he makes you. Does he show up when he says he will? Is he there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on? Does he willing put his ego aside to resolve conflicts? Does he respect your time? property? feelings? Does he have good relationships with his friends? family? Does he pay back others what he owes? Does he take responsibility for his actions when he fails? Does he pride himself on having integrity in his professional life? It's these little things that tell you if you can trust a person with your heart and your life. One last thing: Love him and treat him as you want to be treated, but don't start off by giving him the "world." Dating is a dance of give and take and if the guy truly likes you he'll naturally want to reciprocrate because he wants to make you as happy as you're making him. That being said, if you're needs are being meant, instead of being accusatory or assuming that he's like all "men" (sexist), just tell him how you feel with "I" statements and try to find a happy compromise. (Example: I felt hurt when you did 'x'.) PS. No matter what you tell yourself, "playing" is never playing. There's always a potential to get hurt, so if you're going to play, play for keeps and only for that which is worth winning. Life is short and if you're spending all your time trying to "accept" or "fix" Mr. Wrong, you'll never have time to meet Mr. Right. Good luck!

Ren, If he wants someone who is "just like him" and shares in the stuff he likes, can you really give him that? When you pulled away from him, you basically emasculated him by taking away the one "thing" he thought made himself "invaluable" to you - the emotional rescue. If you could abandon him that easily, how he could ever feel emotionally secure being in a relationship with you? If he hates yuppies, how were you too compatible lifestyle wise? It's one thing to come from two different socioeconomic classes, it's quite another if you hate or strongly dislike each other's interests. ... Because this made him feel like more of a "man" in the relationship. The more anyone loves, gives, and invests of themselves in a relationship, the more likely they are to value it. If you're trying to "rescue" or "enable" him, is that love? Or is that trying to keep him dependent on you so that he won't leave you? Notice the more you gave him and introduced to him, the more "self-conscious" (insecure) he felt. Was that good for you or him? I know his dumping you really stung, but again the loss of feelings happened after you lost yours and after you took away the one thing that made him a valuable, equitable partner in this relationship. A healthy relationships is about give and take. When you took away your love and the one means he had of showing you his love for you, what other course of action did he have? Ren, the "coward's way out" destroys others emotionally. When he dumped you, he was actually just finishing what you had already started. If you love someone but are no longer in love with them, do the right thing. Love and respect them enough to talk to them, let them know what went wrong, and why you're leaving. It's not the "dumping" that's cruel, it's the outright abandonment with NO explanation that shatters people. Benevolence isn't love, it's charity. I don't know about you, but I would never want anyone to be in a relationship with me out of pity. Dependency isn't love and you can't buy anyone's loyalty. If you still want to "enable" him then obviously on some level you still don't recognize what a wonderful person you are and how you, yourself are all that's needed to "keep" someone that truly loves you for you. If you have to play games... If you have to "enable" someone... If you have to make them "dependent" upon you... then that person probably isn't meant to be with you. I hope you have a great time. But again, this never was an issue of how "good" you've been to him, so I don't believe that how nice you are will have much impact. He knows how nice you can be. From your adventures at Furfest, it's obvious that this isn't your only chance with him or anyone else... (That's just what you're telling yourself.) Good luck!

Yikes Bsp! Well obviously she's upset that you turned down her irresistible (lol) advances. Thank goodness you didn't do give in! No matter what she says, I'm sure your co-workers know the truth.

Aside from my usual "It's not a good idea to fool around with co-workers," I agree that Amy is waving a lot of red flags. I know she's attractive and the attention must be flattering right after a breakup, but any "fun" you might have with her won't compare to the drama and headaches you're likely to face if you give in to your baser emotions. Any one of those red flags is daunting in and of itself, but when you combine children, an abusive boyfriend, low self-esteem, suicidal tendencies, alcohol and promiscuous behavior all in one woman, doesn't it make you pause and ask "What do I really find attractive about this woman?" My advice: Stay far, far away.

Congrats Raven! I remember talking with you one night about your Ex. I'm happy to see you're doing well!

Hi OcRob, Yes my husband is a saint and I thank you for your advice. I don't expect you to understand but at the time I asked this question (APRIL 2005), I was really upset. Feelings are never right or wrong. It's WHAT we do with them that counts. The day we start telling people HOW to feel is the day we stop being a democracy. The "guy" in question I haven't spoken to in 11 years so I think I'm doing quite fine with the NC.

There may be something there... There may not be... But you'll never know if you don't try! Yes she may be flirty, but the key thing is how does flirting with you make her feel? Keep flirting with her, and if she seems receptive ask her out for something fun but casual like coffee or ice cream.

*Hugs* OverParanoid, It always amazes when good people like you beat yourself for doing the best you can with a tough situation. Hawaii is a very expensive place to live and it's not easy paying for paradise. I know it's hard to think of the good when so much bad luck has come your way, but as long as you have each other, you're definitely NOT a failure. A failure is someone who gives up when the going gets tough or never even tries. You and your husband are doing everything you can to ensure that there's food on the table and a roof over your little one's head. That's not failure... that's love, that's determination... that's courage under fire... that's "success" imho! Just some ideas... As for childcare, do you have any friends or family or neighbors you could alternate childcare days with? Have you considered becoming a childcare provider yourself? Maybe there's an arrangement you could work out with a daycare center if you work there part time? Don't give up. Your daughter is watching every move you make and learning first hand what it truly takes to make it in this world. It's easy to be a "success" when everything is going well. What you're doing takes so much more courage and optimism. Rather than let circumstances define you, be proud of who you are and what you've managed to accomplish no matter what life has thrown your way. =D> As for paying your creditors, yes it's a good idea to pay what you can. I'm not a financial professional, but I know there's free credit counseling out there. Until someone can direct you to a specific agency, here's what I was able to find... link removed is one of my favorite sites for learning how to make your dollars "stretch." They have a section on credit repair here: Credit Repair FAQs General info on managing your credit here... Credit Repair Info from the Federal Trade Commission: ... With specific info on how to find a Credit Counselor here: ... and here too! Hope this helps!

Hi Prenkle, Welcome to Enot! Hmmm... Before I take any criticism seriously, I look at who's doing the criticizing. Are you sure those who say they're intimidated by you have your best interests at heart? Why and in what context did these different people say these things to you? Assuming that they told you these things for your own well-being, it's hard to say why others might find you unapproachable based on what you've said. Have you been down lately? Do you have a tendency to be shy? introverted? Is it possible that you don't smile and seem as approachable as you think? Ask family and trusted friends to be your "mirror." They're probably the ones who can best tell you how you appear to others. Good luck!

Hey Frecklegirl, I have the pleasure of informing you that you are not the biggest idiot on the planet, nor are you brain dead. I think those honorariums belong to your Ex who has two wonderful women that both want him but doesn't have the decency to not "play" them both. As good as things can be, reality is: 1. He's "with" her. 2. He's cheating on her with you. 3. He lives off of her and will most likely live off of you if you take him back. (But if that's ok with you, disregard this one.) 4. He said he can't trust you (as a couple) again and doesn't want to do anything about it. Translation: He's ok with cheating on her with you, but not dating you exclusively. All of the above are HIS choices. Do they describe the kind of relationship you deserve or want with him??? Obviously if he hasn't forgotten you after a year, he isn't going to forget you if you do the right thing and let him go. In fact you standing up for yourself and walk away might be the one thing that makes him realize what a good thing he's losing with you. I know when things are good, they're good, but things aren't good sweetie and you deserve so much more than this! If he can bought with money, then it's neither love or ideal.

Wow... You get absorbed in art? How cool! I can understand what you mean about concentration. When I'm writing I get irritated with interruptions even if they're sweet ones like a muscle bound speedo wearing hunk bringing me some cheese and crackers. (Ok so that never happens! But I can dream can't I???) But seriously, what if you say volunteered and taught art to kids? Would you still be frowning in deep concentration then? Is there something you could be doing with your artwork that would make you and others happy like say painting endearing images on nursery walls? Something tells me you need more "play" in your life and the smiles will come naturally... There's nothing wrong with liking guys who make you feel good about yourself and who make you laugh. In fact those are the best guys to have! The problem is giving into fear and not giving the good guys a chance. Next time why not tell the guy you like that you're interested but that you want to take things slow. The next time fear strikes you, tell yourself you deserve to know what it's like to be loved and to be happy and then take a risk... I understand it's hard, but really nothing is likely to be as bad as the last relationship you were in. And this time you understand so much more than you did then... If you can't find a logical reason to not give a good guy a chance, take the risk and see where it takes you. You can always stop dating if things don't work out. As for drinking yes it can loosen you up, but it can also lead to more problems down the line. If you "need" it meet guys, then are they really meeting the real you? And are you meeting the real them?

Oops! Guess I'm not as intuitive. How to work things out? Talk about them. Hint, hint!

Hey On The Road, Some people are intuitive and can tell how we really feel whether or not we're displaying overt signs of depression. I find it interesting that you feel angry and guilty that your teacher noticed something was bothering you despite your attempts to cover it up. May I ask why you feel the need to cover it up? What exactly makes you feel uncomfortable or guilty? Feelings are important. They let us know how we truly think and feel about things. You can repress them and push them away as much as you want, but until you fully experience them and resolve whatever those feelings are telling you is the problem, they'll just keep coming back. The only way I know of getting rid of them is to work through them. The good news is Enotalone is a great place to do that!

Sweetheart, You're not doing anything wrong, but if you were, think of it this way... If you friend is right and being slutty is the way to happiness, then it's never too late to be a skank, right? Instead of asking "Is she right?" ask yourself some better questions: Is what she's doing right for you? Why does she need to constantly make you feel bad in order to feel good about her life? Why does she need to convince you/others that she's "so loved" by everyone??? Would getting wasted and making out with other girls in order to get equally drunk guys to like you make you happy? Do you really envy what she has? I know this is hard to believe because you're exposed to her version of "happiness" every day, but the truth is if she was really happy, she wouldn't need to regularly "convince" you that she is. Happiness is it's own reward. PS. Kudos on working on the smiling and being friendly. Just one thing... It helps if you're really feeling it. Maybe the problem isn't how much you smile, but how little you've had to smile about. Is there something you've been wanting to do not involving men or this so-called "friend" of yours that would make you happy?

Hey Heartbroken, how fun! I have just the plan for you... Sneak into her place and spell out "Tag you're it" or whatever suits you with a bunch of loud, tacky Xmas lights. The more the merrier and be sure to set them to "flash" or "blink." I did this once and my crush at that time called me up and let me know someone had broken into his place and turned it into Vegas. I played "dumb" of course...

Ren honey, it's ok not to want to move on. These things take time. And honestly you will not be ready to let go until you're ready to accept the idea that things have changed and you can live happily ever after without him. The reason why we're advising you to move on is because we can see how much it is hurting you to hold onto something that isn't likely you to bring you happiness in the long run EVEN if he were to change his mind. If you disagree, that's absolutely your right. Maybe your counselor friend could have helped you both, but there's no sense in torturing yourself with what might have been. You've done everything you can right? You've said all that there is to say? If you truly believe that you can't leave without saying anything more, try again, but this time once you've stated your case, for your own sake let it go... Again if he wants to reconcile, the ball is in his court.

Make a "small" move. Since you've been thinking of coming out, why not try coming out to him first. Play it like this: Let him know you admire him for coming out. Ask him how he found the courage to do so and how it's going. Then tell him you've been thinking of doing the same... When you do so, look deeply into his eyes, smile, and see how he reacts. If he's interested, he'll let you know...

Hey Blue Skittles, I feel for you! Your love life sounds more like work than play right now. If you're scared of things spinning out of control, then you might want to talk to everyone involved and be honest with them. Let them know you're be courted by several gentlemen right now and you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time you're not ready to be exclusive with any one guy. If they understand, great. If not, well you'll have to make a decision. I know being honest doesn't sound very appealing, but it sure beats sneaking around doesn't it? And secondly wouldn't you want the guys to be upfront with you if they're dating around? Good luck!

Ren, If you have to play games to get someone back, what games will you have to play to keep them??? I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself, but again you're no less of a person because you've been dumped by someone who normally is dumped by others. The point isn't who dumped who, but why... and the why was because you both weren't fulfilling each other's core needs and because at one time or another you both really hurt each other deeply. I know it's hard to let go because with the bad there was a lot of good in your relationship, but honestly love isn't supposed to be this hard. Like Hope said, both people have to want to work things out. Now that he's told you that he doesn't want a relationship, I think the wise thing is for you to move on knowing that you've done all that you can to try and mend this relationship. If he really wants to reconcile, he knows how to find you through friends. As for him "complaining" a lot, I agree with you. From an outsider's point of view, it seems convenient for him to see himself as the "victim" in all his relationships, so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. For example: It's easier to blame his gf's family for him being roped into Xmas decorating, than it is to say "I'm not sure I want to hang out or not with you." If you look back on your relationship, I'm sure you'll be able to recall many similar instances.

*Hugs* James. Breakups are hard and you can't force the healing process, but you can be kind to yourself and and give yourself the love and understanding you need to get through this. This might seem counterintuitive, but instead of trying to push away the feelings, you might want to fully feel them and let them all out: the sadness, anger, frustration, remorse... From my own experiences I've learned that once I let those feelings out by screaming, crying, and venting, my logical side can take over and put things better in perspective. Conversely as long as I try to avoid what I feel, the feelings keep coming back and depression haunts me. As for dating, don't force it. You've been through a lot and it's okay to take a break and give your heart time to heal. When you're ready you'll know.