smallworld

Sweetheart, I can understand a little friendly competition between confidantes, but with friends like her, who needs enemies??? True friends love you as you are (novel concept I know!) and want what's in your best interests. This "friend" of yours alternates between letting you know that others find you unattractive and asking you to lure men so that she can get with them. So which is it? Are you really "ugly" or is it more likely that she's so envious of you that she needs to put you down unless it suits her self-centered purposes? Normally I'd suggest having a heart to heart with her, but from everything you've said she doesn't sound worth the effort.

I think abusers do realize that they are wrong at times, but usually see themselves as "victims" and thereforeeee feel justified in "wronging" or hurting others. They have the mentality that everyone else is out to use them (and others), so what they're doing is taking the offense and protecting their own self-interests. As you can see, as long as they believe that, they have no incentive to change. They see this as a dog-eat-dog world. It's possible for an abuser to change through talking and loving concern from a loved one, but not likely UNLESS the abuser really wants to change and makes a sincere effort to do so (therapy, anger management, etc.)

ThaKid, I went through something similar in high school. The funny thing was several years later I ran into the guy in college and it turns out he had a crush on me too! Had we both known of each other's feelings much earlier, who knows what might have happened? Moral: Never underestimate what's possible if two people really like each other. Yes on 'paper' you might be better off forgetting him, but what's the fun in that? And do you really want to wonder for the rest of your life what might have been? Since he's leaving in a month, why not take a small risk and say "Hi." Ask him about his college plans and get to know him as a friend. Touch his heart by throwing him a going away party with the help of the teen ministry. Cuz you never know... what might happen or where you might end up attending university.

Lame? Hell no! If I was crushin' on a guy, I'd be thrilled just to spend time with him. It's a good sign I think that he wants you to meet and hang out with his friends. I agree with Jadtt. There are worse crimes than a group date. Give the cutie a shot!

*Hugs* lost_status. Real love doesn't hurt or force you into doing anything you're not comfortable with. Yes you can forgive the abuser, but I wouldn't trust him or continue the relationship until that person shows sincere remorse for what they've done and makes consistent efforts to change their abusive behavior (like therapy, anger management, exercise.) If the guy has done none of the above or blames you for his actions (abusers always say it's the victim's fault they got upset etc.), then I'd steer clear of him.

Hmmm. I agree with JRM. Have another serious talk about being a couple before you put you profile back up (which would signal to her that you're not serious either.) Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding.

No judging, but if your don't like him and your dreams about him bother you, why are you cuddling with him? This is only going to confuse you (hence the troubling dreams) and him more isn't it?

Hurray he called! I know you wanted some one on one time with him, but maybe in his mind inviting you over to his friends was his idea of a safe first date?

Hey TightYo, I think it's really sweet that you want to make your gf feel beautiful and special. seekinghappYness gave you some great advice. All I'd add is have a heart to heart talk with her and let her know you're sorry if you inadvertently hurt her feelings. Let her know that you understand how she feels and that you'll do your best to make sure it never happens again. (I know, I know. It's difficult. But just try to keep your eyes off of anything female when she's around. ) Then tell her WHY you love her. I strongly identify with your gf. In fact back in college I used to literally runaway when I'd see a girl approach my bf. Due to insecurities, it took me many years to accept that he (now husband) loves me just the way I am and finds me beautiful AS IS. No amount of compliments from him even now would ever sway me to believe I'm attractive, but when he tells me why he loves me I don't ever doubt it, because the things he loves about me are many of the same qualities I like and value in myself. Hopefully if you do the same, she'll learn to have faith in your feelings for her.

Feelings are good indicators that something is amiss. If you feel 'stagnant' then it's probably time to take more risks in your life. Shake things up. Try something new. Do things that are out of character. Take the road least traveled and see where it leads you. Oftentimes we let fear and self-doubt limit and define who we are when we have no idea of how amazing our lives could really be if we just the did the very things that we think we can not do. Start small. And see what evolves...

I agree. Call him back. He probably chickened out at the last second.

I think I understand what your brother is saying (don't chase), but if you don't show any interest, how's the guy supposed to know how you feel? I don't recommend declaring any feelings , but it never hurts to flirt! For instance you could have said in response to his compliment "You're not so bad looking yourself..." The good news is since you seem to regularly communicate online, you have plenty of opportunities to flirt that are less daunting. Give the guy a chance to know you: Say Hi, ask him how things are going, be open to having fun, and throw in a lot of emoticons. Hopefully he'll get the hint!

*Hugs* Venus. I didn't grow up within a religious family, but I know what it's like to have parents who are very adamant about their beliefs. I used to get upset over our differences, but in time I learned that it's much easier to accept the idea that they have a right to their beliefs and that they're not likely to ever change. Every time I came to them hoping that things would be different, I was only setting myself up for more needless disagreement and heartache. The only people we can truly ever change are ourselves, so that's what I did. I changed the way I relate to my parents. I've learned to accept them as they are and deliberately avoid touchy topics of conversation as much as possible. I know it's hard to bite your tongue especially considering how their beliefs have negatively impacted you and your sister. But think of it this way, if your parents hadn't been so close minded about birth control and masturbation, you may not have become the consummate health professional you are today. As for your parents judging you or the community that you work with, that's their problem. You know the truth and you're making a huge difference every day. Perhaps your parents true legacy to you is that they inadvertantly taught you just how important communication and education truly are. Kudos!

I think no matter what you decide, you should be honest with the crush about your hesitancy. I understand you don't want to hurt the Ex, but by setting up phone and/or bar dates and not showing up, you're unnecessarily hurting the crush and your chances of ever getting closer with him. The breakup is fairly new. Until you're more certain, perhaps it's better if you take things slowly and keep the crush, a friend with very distinct possibilities for more.

lol Shadows Light. I'm not advocating shallowness, but just think how much pointless conversation and unnecessary dates we could prevent if more people ask the right questions! My kink? Um.. extremely large lobes. (Temporal that is, specifically left ones. Yum!)

Diverp, Marriage shouldn't be about winning, losing, who's right or who's wrong. It should be about love and wanting what's in each other's best interests. What you and your wife are going through is a normal matter of adjustment to personal preferences and communication styles. Instead of making a bigger deal out of these situations by labeling them as "rudeness", it's much more loving and less likely to start fights if you both give each other the benefit of the doubt when it comes to "momentary lapses of sensitivity." When you find yourself in such a moment, resist the urge to "hit" back. Stop, take a breath, and focus on what you two share in common: Your love for one another! No need to be accusatory. Just explain how these moments make you feel and what behavior you would prefer to see instead. Apparently she's the sort that would prefer you announce your intentions when you go to another room while you're the sort that wants to be asked about your day. Is it really that simple? Yes!

Great analogy Drop! I'd say it's probably a mix of things: - Novelty of a new lover - Differences in skill and sexual compatibility (What's your kink?) - Forbidden nature of cheating PS. I'm not a cheater either.

Amylyn, I think you've pretty much decided you want to move to Alabama, it's just a matter of when. The question is what's more important to you? Living near the bf asap? Or starting out with less debt? Also - If worse comes to worse and you two breakup, what impact if any will this have on you? your living situation? I see several options that may not have occurred to you. #1. You might want to finish out this semester but spend the next few working full time and making as much money as possible. Fiscally it makes more sense to do this rent free under your parent's roof, but only you can say what's more important to you at this point. #2. Although moving into your first apartment is a lot of fun, please don't make the mistake of thinking that you need new "everythings." If money is tight, you'd be better off borrowing, begging, and thrifting to make things homey. If you can't afford to pay cash, don't buy. Only incur debt if you're going to use it to invest in your future, i.e. tuition. #3. Have you visited the admissions office at Auburn to find out how easy it's going to be to transfer in from a community college? Some CC's have a better reputation than others and their students have a better chance of transferring into the four year university of their choice. It might help to know these things before you apply. #4. Are there other ways you can meet new people and try new experiences before you move to Alabama? (i.e. School clubs, volunteer opportunities, internships, etc.) I know you miss your boyfriend and things can get lonely at times, but the truth is no matter how wonderful any relationship is, a relationship in and of itself will never fulfill us. It's important to have friends, interests, and ambitions of our own. If community college isn't "doing it" for you, then maybe it's time to explore what would. Making new friends and learning what inspires you now is great practice for when you do finally move far away from home and live on your own for the first time. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that no matter where you go, you can rely on yourself and handle whatever comes your way. Good luck!

It's sweet that you care so much about his health, but like DN said, it's his choice. I'm not a smoker nor have I ever dated one, but at one point in my life most of my friends were smokers and so I understand how you feel. *Cough, cough. Smoking is an addiction. If you feel this strongly, you can try talking to him and letting him know how much you care about him, but the truth is the only person who can make him want to quit is himself. If you can't accept him being a smoker, than you're better off just being friends with him or letting him go.

Joey, She mocked you because she's insensitive and immature. No need to beat yourself up over this. Girls talk. But next time I suggest you look for some definite signs that she's interested before you ask a girl out. Be friendly, interested, and flirtatious with your prospect for several weeks. If she likes you even the shyest of girls will give you some indication that she's attracted by smiling, blushing, playing with her hair, lots of eye contact and very noticeable attempts to be around you more often than is necessary. If she regularly flirts with you, seems to enjoy the attention you pay her, and laughs at your jokes (even when they're not all that funny), go for it.

Bsp_kjm, you're not weak. You're hurt. It takes courage to face the truth and to have the self-respect to walk away when what we want most is the exact opposite. Weakness is lying, cheating, and knowingly hurting others out of selfishness and cowardice.

I'd like to think that I would, but honestly it depends upon the Ex and how staying friends would impact the both of us. If it was hurting us both too much to keep seeing each other, then I'd probably tell them the truth: It's best if we NC each other until the feelings die down. I'd probably also set a date to later meet up with them again and see how things are. I don't think you're being misled by an Ex who wants to stay friends, but then again it depends on the Ex. Unfortunately people more often than not are self-centered. If you feel "used" by your Ex, then don't second guess yourself. Trust your gut, explain with love and respect why you can't continue as is, NC, and then move on. If we don't look out for own hearts, who will?

Cami, this is the sensitive kind of conversation that's best discussed in person, but if you can't wait til the holidays, call him! Assuming he's never had a gf, it's likely that he's unaware of how much time and attention a gf truly entails. I know romance novels, movies, and fairy tales sell us on the idea that guys are just supposed to read our minds and know what we want, but reality is that they're very human just like us. We all have different definitions of what a satisfying relationship involves and what it means to be "loved." He just needs a little education in what those things mean to you. What is it you really need and want in order to be happy? Can he give those things to you? If not, then maybe it's best you remain friends. But before you toss someone so "wonderful" aside, give him the benefit of the doubt and "renegotiate." You might just be happily surprised by the end result.

Bsp_kjm, If you're holding on to hope that hanging out with the family will change her mind, then I agree with everyone else that it's probably best that you don't go. When things were going "well", your Ex blamed you for getting in the way of her education and she cheated on you. Socializing with the family isn't likely to change her mind, because she's caught up in her own selfishness. (It's one thing to want to date other people. It's quite another to lie and lead you on to do it.) You deserve someone who loves, trusts, and respects you without a doubt, and vice versa. Unfortunately this girl fails on all three tests.

*Hugs* SophMd. He isn't over you. If he was, there'd be no need to ignore you. Giving you the "deep freeze" is his way of NC'ing (no contact) you since you both have to regularly come into contact with each other at work. I know it's hard, but try not to take his rudeness to heart. He doesn't have the maturity or emotional fortitude to treat you with common courtesy, so he acts like a jerk and pretends you don't "exist." Ironically I'd consider the "freeze" a testament to just how much you meant to him at one point. It's only been a month. If you find yourself constantly comparing new suitors to him, then you're probably not quite ready to date. There's nothing wrong with taking a dating "time out" and focusing instead on work, family, having fun, and making friends. I realize it can be lonely at times, but sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is take the time to figure out what went wrong in the previous relationship so that we know what to look out for in the next one. Some of my best friends are books. If interested I'm sure you can find this oldie but goodie at the library... In the Meantime : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant