smallworld

Barenaked Ladies - Some Fantastic (bittersweet but funny) link removed Steven Chapman - Bring It On (how you define 'enemy' is up to you) link removed Steven Chapman - Live Out Loud link removed Kelly Clarkson - Gone link removed Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone link removed Kelly Clarkson - Walk Away link removed En Vogue - Give It Up, Turn It Loose link removed En Vogue - My Lovin' - You're Never Gonna Get It (sassy...) link removed Eurythmics - Thorn In My Side link removed Faith Hill - Better Days link removed Faith Hill - Dearly Beloved (caution: If you're a romantic, don't click here...) link removed Josie & the *censored* - I Wish You Well link removed Reba McEntire - Myself Without You link removed Alanis Morissette - You Learn link removed Anna Nalick - In The Rough (Thanks Shinobie!) 8) link removed Tom Petty - Feel A Lot Whole Better link removed Pink - 18 Wheeler (for the ladies) link removed Pink - Respect (for the ladies) link removed Gwen Stefani - Cool (if you've moved on & can wish your Ex the best) link removed U2 - Bad (a meditation to "let it go") link removed U2 - Pride / In the Name of Love (Ok not technically about breakups, but a song that always gets me out of the blues) link removed

Elements, I think you know deep down in your heart that this guy friend of yours isn't good for you. If NC is too hard for you right now then do the next best thing and cut off the sex. (The funny thing is I think you'll naturally find him calling a lot less if you do this.) Don't give in no matter what, because each time you do you'll know you'll just end up feeling more hurt and used (because he won't give you whatt you really want: a relationship.) If he can handle being friends with you without the "benefits" then maybe you won't have to end the friendship. If he keeps pushing for more, NC is probably best. Turn of the phone ringer and let your answering machine take the messages. Stay out of the house, hang out with friends, and keep busy. Respect yourself and he'll respect you more too. Good luck!

Only hang in there if you sincerely want to be friends with this person. Everyone's definition of "friend" is slightly different, but if you feel like you're the one doing all the giving and not receiving something equally invaluable from this relationship, then it is time to politely move on. No amount of giving is going to change this woman's mind after she's had 3 nights in your bed to help make up her mind. (You're a stronger person than I. I would have opted for the couch.) Btw, If you're giving in hopes of receiving, then this probably isn't a friendship in the purest sense of the word anyway.

Hey Hellie, it's funny how Google always knows the answer to any question I ask it. Have fun! link removed

Hey Densil, I don't think you're superficial. It's better that you keep things as they are then to try to force an attraction that isn't quite right and risk hurting her feelings at some point down the road when you meet someone who better fits all your criteria. Here's a similar discussion from earlier this week: link removed

Hey Miss M, Thanks for the enlightenment! The off-handed comments make sense to me even though I don't necessarily agree with them. I've long since figured out that we humans categorize others into convenient stereotypes to suit our own selfish intents. I'm not looking to date a "gorgeous girl", so I have no need to see them as any different as any other woman. The guys who do and who are insecure about what they have to offer such women, have a greater need than I to draw sweeping generalizations about such women in order to tell themselves there is a logical way (rules and mind games) to go about seducing and keeping such women. If they only knew the truth. Every woman -- gorgeous or not -- wants to be loved, understood, and admired for who she is and who she is alone. Engage her heart, mind, and spirit better than anyone else can and she's yours. What mind game can top that??? I totally understand what you mean when you say it's odd to have others judge our worth and assume things about us because of the way we look. I grew up in the South and in my small town I was the first Asian to go to my elementary school. For awhile I was a minor celebrity the blacks and whites fought over (they didn't know how to categorize me), until I took my first gym class and blew their expectations of my athletic skills. Oh well! It's funny now. I live in California and am just another face in the crowd. No one ever looks at me strangely and asks me "Why is your English so fantastic?" Or assume strange things about me like I know their one and only asian friend (because we all know each other right?), or that I eat their pets (no comment), or that I'm timid and will do others' grunt work (because asians are spineless overachievers right?) or that I'm "easy" (because of their lurid experiences around military bases on foreign soil.) Sigh... Yep that face in the mirror is me. Not! I knew limiting my list of gorgeous girls to Faith Hill would be telling. ITA with you: Vanessa Williams and Halle Berry are stunning! I wish I had some women of all races to add to your list, but the truth is I've never been an avid connoisseur of "gorgeous women," so am limited by the mass media that I've come accross. I have noticed though that when I think someone is "gorgeous," it tends to be a woman of three races: white, black, or latina. I see more of these women in the media than I do images of asians, middle easterns, indians, etc. so those are the images I first think of when I am asked such questions. Interesting.

I just picked up the new Brad Paisley cd "Time Well Wasted" at Target which has 4 additional songs you can't find elsewhere. Brad's hilarious as usual. Here's his take on one bad breakup: "Waa, waa, waa, waa, waa..." I'll Take You Back link removed

Wow Ripples! Quite a move. Well, looks like you can live without her after all...

You've been given great advice. The only things I would add are for her to document everything he does: times, dates, places, threats made, actions taken, witnesses, etc. This record more than anything will help her if and when she goes to the cops or court. Get in contact with her local YWCA or women's shelter. Ask to talk to a counselor and get advice on what things she can do to protect herself and her son. It's best to contact these organizations and develop an emergency plan before she needs help. The counselors are familiar with domestic violence patterns and can help her come up with better ways to handle the situation legally and otherwise. They also have accesss to legal, psychological, and other resources that she might find useful. Book suggestion: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

No soul, just curious... how can he be your soulmate if you have 'no soul'? Well in answer to your question, it's highly romantic to think that maybe at 15 you've found the one and only guy for you, but statistically it's rare, because you both have a lot more growing up to do. That wasn't a cheap shot at your maturity, but more of a truism of what the coming years hold for you. Graduating high school, experiencing all college has to offer, accomplishing your goals, landing your first "real" job, somewhere in the process of doing those things, you both develop into richer, more complex versions of yourself than you are now. Whether or not you both stay together over the long haul has a lot to do with how well you both accept and nourish change/growth in one another. For now don't worry so much about "forever." Just focus on enjoying what you both share now. "Now" (not the past or the future) is where the fun is at. 8)

Here's the real issue. How is it fair to get upset over him going, if you've never told him exactly how much it would upset you if he went? If you're putting on an "act", then what is he to conclude but that you're "ok" with it? Guys can't read our minds. So why set yourself up for unnecessary hurt, when simply telling him the truth might prevent the matter all together? As for strip joints, a fool and his money are soon parted...

I'm not a doctor, but I have suffered from social anxiety disorder in in the past and I know it made it hard for me to do many of the simple things college students are expected to do. If he's excusing his failures with talk of what are probably imagined health conditions, then the truth is he's probably so ashamed of his failures, that he's scraping the bottom of the barrel to futilely convince your family that all is "well." As Chai advised, the best thing you can do for him is to call him up and just let him know that you'll be there to listen if he ever wants/needs to talk. Ultimately the best thing your family can do for him is to get him professional help, because things have obviously progessed to the point where the normal motivations to do one's best and pursue happiness are no longer motivating factors.

Colls, your feelings are understandable, but I think it's a good sign that your guy has been so honest and upfront about his feelings regarding his Ex. This means he respects and cares enough about you to tell you the truth. As much as he wanted to be with her, she cheated on him and he's now with you. If you really have any doubts as to whether or not he'd ever go back, ask him. Ask him how her cheating impacted him and whether he could ever trust her again. Ask him if he ever really got over her. If he seems like he's still in love with her or confused, then at that point you'll have to reevaluate whether or not he's the one for you. As for the 4 year old, she's just a kid and doesn't deserve to pay the price for her parents problems. Just try to befriend her and get to know her like you would any other 4 year old. Who knows you might just make a life long friend?

Why do women think a wedding day will take care of everything? She's be better off calling the whole shenanigan off then putting her fiance through a public ceremony where she vows that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him, when "forever" probably won't last much longer than the time it takes to pay off the balance of the wedding. If it's hard to tell him the truth now, how much easier will it be under the additional scrutiny of in-laws and society after she's publicly made those vows? Either way, please don't go to the wedding Bob. What would be the point except to torture yourself? Your absense will say more to her and what you think of her "special" day than any drama or passionate last minute words ever could. Note: If her love for you isn't enough to give her the courage to do the right thing, what ever would be?

Ripples, vanity and security. She likes knowing you want her. She likes the idea that no matter what she does, you can't seem to walk out of her life. By keeping you in limbo, she'll always have someone to run to in case she needs a soft place to land. Is this what you really want?

Ripples, thanks to you my vanity score just went up 20 points! In answer to your question, ignore words (no matter how pretty and shiny they are) and trust actions. In the context of the big picture (your entire push-pull relationship with this woman) what does "I miss you, but I want to see you, but not yet?" say to you? Is there really anything impeding her from seeing you now? Is it in your best interests to remain in 'limbo' until she decides to seek you out? What does your gut tell you?

Hey Miss M, Glad I could make you laugh! I've noticed this post is like a Rorschach ink blot test that reveals a lot about ourselves, our motivations, what we value in others, and how we define a woman's worth, etc. when we think we're merely expressing our opinions about "gorgeous" women. I'm interested in hearing your answers to the same questions, because I'm extremely curious as to the intent behind this questionnaire. As for asdf's photos, the girl has an ideal hip-waist ratio which is attractive because it indicates fertility, but I'd like to know why guys find this 'deer caught in headlights' look so alluring? I honestly don't get it. The guy is Richard Simmons, exercise guru who once battled his own weight loss problems and has turned it into his mission to help others with the same problem. Yes he's in it to make a buck too and yes at times he can be a little too "peppy", but his heart seems to be in the right place, so what's not to like? If I had to define "gorgeous" visually, it'd be Faith Hill. Btw, I'm asian.

Hey BillyJean! Thanks! I live in the OC and I eat just fine. It's called... ramen noodles. If you're late to the party, here's the site again: link removed

How are gorgeous girls/women different and/or what is it that makes them different? I'm not gorgeous, but I grew up with a few highly attractive friends and what makes them different isn't their physical beauty, but how they feel about it. Some rely on it as source of self-esteem. Others see it as mere packaging. While others wield it as a means to an end. In other words, generalizations can't be made. It depends on the woman. What do you think gorgeous girls/women think, feel, want, that's different from the non-gorgeous girls? I think they want the same things as other women, but all things being equal they have a slightly easier time of attaining those goals, because others are naturally drawn to their beauty and seem to be at their complete disposal upon first contact. On the other hand gorgeous women have to deal with issues that other women may not: for instance they may have to weed through more suitors to find someone who genuinely likes them for them vs. their looks. Conversely if they're "too gorgeous" they might not be asked out as much by men who are intimidated and may have more problems making friends with other women because of a jealousy factor. Do you ever go after the gorgeous girl specifically because she's gorgeous, and if so, why? Do you ever bypass the gorgeous girl specifically because she's gorgeous, and if so, why? No and no. I'm an equal opportunity friend maker. What kind of guys do you think gorgeous girls/women want? The same kind all women want: someone who touches our hearts like no one else can and who loves and understands us, quirks and all. What kind of treatment do you think the gorgeous girls/women want/like? I think every woman wants to be treated with kindness and respect, but I have noticed that if you're really pretty and are used to guys fawning on you, then yes, it is intriguing when a guy doesn't. But whatever intrigue exists is fleeting, compared to the intrigue of being engaged on a higher level. Most guys don't know how to engage a woman's mind and spirit, so when it happens, it's highly impressive regardless of whether you're a gorgeous woman or not.

Hey Ripples, I'm not looking, but that's never stopped me from pontificating so here goes: I think first and foremost the ideal mate is someone with whom you feel a spiritual & emotional connection and with whom you are intellectually and recreationally compatible (share similar interests). A spiritual connection is vital, because it bonds two people at the highest level, one based on meaning and purpose, founded on similar views of human nature, core values, and how life should be lived. An emotional connection is important because it satisfies the deep need for each of us to feel loved, understood and appreciated for who we truly are, imperfections and all. Compatibility is important because the couple who plays together, is more likely to stay together. The more interests they share, the more connected they'll feel and the more they'll enjoy spending their time together. Having money is attractive of course, but to me being able to trust someone with my most prized possession -- my heart -- is even more so. Of course personality and sex appeal are important too, but imho if connection and compatibility is present, then attraction to personality and the physical naturally follows. (Most would disagree with my inside-out approach, but based on personality and formative experiences, this has always been the case for me.) Btw, yes the grass is always greener!!! But the reality is, it still has to be watered, landscaped, and mowed! The one thing I do know however, is that once you find your spiritual and emotional "home", the drive to find the perfect lawn mysteriously disappears.

Thanks Darkblue! Apparently the Oregon coast is where I should be. ITA! 8)

Hi Katrina, it is confusing isn't it? I'm sure he cares about you, but he apparently never resolved the problems he and his wife had before he started dating you. So when she contacts him, either out of love or obligation he swings back and forth between you like a pendulum. The problem is his indecisiveness leaves you in a very painful emotional limbo where you're not sure if he's really yours or not and whether or not you can ever fully trust him. As painful as this will be, I think you have to have a talk with him and let him know that you have to let him go until he gets a divorce and is yours free and clear. As long as you tolerate things as they are, he has very little incentive to leave his "comfort zone." Ironically it's your very willingness to be with him while he's still married, that's making it easier for him to tolerate his marriage to his cheating wife. The question is "What do you want?" We teach other show to treat us by what we accept and refuse. What are you teaching him by accepting the limbo? his secret meetings with his wife? Can you ever really trust a guy who has unfinished business with his wife? Answer those questions and I think you'll know what needs to take place before you commit yourself any further to him.

Demond, the best city to live is the one that suits you. Fortunately that's easy to determine... link removed

Hey HajiMaji, it's really sweet of you to try to help your friend acquire confidence. Well the truth is you can't talk anyone into better self-esteem. It's one of those things that they have to "earn" themselves by setting goals and accomplishing them. You can help her though by pointing out what qualities you admire in her. Be her "mirror" so to speak and help her focus and make the best use of her strengths. It would also be really helpful if you just listened to her concerns and try to help her see small things she could do to make progress towards accomplishing things that are important to her. Encourage and celebrate with her when she makes positive efforts towards accomplishing those things. Because ultimately accomplishment is the only thing that will help her build her self-esteem.

It's a great sign, a positive one in fact. But if you have any doubts, just stay the course and keep flirting mercilessly. Sooner or later something has to give. When the time is right, you'll know.