ChiMan
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Thanks to you and heloladies21 for your replies. My bad for not including this information last night but since I posted my last related topic, money/financial support has been removed from the mix by mutual agreement. So, I am no longer worried about the money factor. What is a concern is her need for constant reassurance and emotional support. As I was saying, if her view of me is that I am the most significant person in her life, it may well explain why she has some intimacy problems with me. Also, how much emotional support and reassurance do I provide before I start to feed her fears of abandonment?
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In the recent past, I posted about a rather unusual situation. It all began as a cyber-relationship, which turned into a very significant relationship for the both of us. However, I wrote in the past that despite her discussions of sexual intimacy, when we finally met she told me that she was unable to have that kind of relationship with me. After a lot of back and forth discussions and some thoughts that she may have be motivated by money, I finally confronted her on the topic and threatened to cut off the relationship as I saw that her needs and mine were in conflict. It is important to keep in mind that she has frequently expressed how important I had become in her life and I am aware that she has some major fears of abandonment. In our recent conversation where I informed her of my decision to end the relationship, she became panicked, tearful and then told me that she loves me more than anyone in her life - including her parents - and that she cannot bear to have me leave her. While there is the possibility she can be a very accomplished manipulator, that is not the feeling I get from her. She seems sincere with this admission. Anyone have any thoughts on how to handle this situation? While it is flattering to have someone express those sentiments, it carries a lot of responsibility. It may also explain a lot of her ambivalence about a sexually intimate relationship. This may also be a box I will not be able to easily escape if things go south without causing some trauma.
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Oh, could not agree with you more NB. We all have the ability to reason beyond conditioned behavior. However, sexuality is one of those areas where logic goes to hibernate!
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No matter how evolved we think we are or how enlightened we believe we have become, sexual attraction is still a very primal urge. Basically, women still respond to men based on how "superior" they perceive them to be relative to another man. Distilled down to its essense, it is about how much power (translates to ability to reproduce) a women perceives a man to have. In a twisted sort of way, the shallow pretty boy who is able to attract a lot of women does so not exclusively because of looks but because of attitude that gets constantly reinforced. He is seen as desirable thereforeeee he does not have to work as hard for the attention of women. His aloofness is then perceived as power. Contrast this with the attentive, caring, considerate guy who is perceived as needy/weak. It is not any one gender is more superficial than another. It is that we still respond to some of the same urges we did 10,000 years ago.
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To all of those who responded to my topic a couple of weeks ago, I thought I owed you all a little follow-up. To quickly recap, I had written about what started as a cyber relationship that led to an eventual meeting, some heartache and lot of confusion. Despite mutual expecations of a sexually initmate meeting, she was unable to be initmate with me. She was very evasive when I tried to get specifics from her as to why. At one point, I considered that her motivation was material - what she was getting. Well, after several tearful conversations and a little brinksmanship, she was finally able to talk about her concerns. It seems that the support, encouragement and consistency that I have shown her over the past months had an unintended impact. I have now become the most significant person in her life. According to her, she has greater love for me then she has for her parents. She is now so afraid of losing me, she cannot be intinmate because her past sexual encounters have all ended badly and with feelings of abandonment. I am not sure if I should be happy that I now know and feel honored about my status or worried that she may never be able to get over her fears.
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itsmenicole, Well, the answer to your first question is yes I love her very much. Your second question is very difficult to answer. As I have written, the messages from her are conflicting. All of her words are those you would expect to hear from someone who seems invested in a relationship. In fact, she refers to us as being in a relationship. Every communication from her includes words such as "I love you very much", "Please never leave me", etc. Feels like a love affair except for the physical aspects. Interestingly enough (okay, I admit this will appear very strange) she has no problems with sharing a bed with me and snuggling at night. Yes, I am very confused, can you tell??? Thank you for your comments!
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misswonderment, Again, thank you for your thoughts. The prevailing line of thinking, based on the comments received, is that I am being used. I am still uncertain so, your suggestion seems most appropriate. Best wishes to you!
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DoorMouse, Thank you for your comment. Well, she will be traveling to my city in a couple of weeks (I wish I could say to see me. Rather, she has family in the area.) Whether or not she is using me for my financial stability it would seem that severing ties may be the appropriate course of action. Best wishes!
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heloladies21, Thanks for your comments. You may well be correct. I tend to see the world with a lot of shades of grey. But it could all be as simple as you describe. Not sure I will ever know for sure.
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misswonderment, Well, how much of a coincidence is this? The woman to whom I am referring is living in London (Fulham, actually). I have had three trips to London in the last two months to see her. You are spot on (see, I picked up some of the vernacular) in your assessment. Indeed, if you cannot change something you have to change the way you think about it. Lest I give the impression I should be on the short list to sainthood, I am wrestling with this very issue of changing my point of view. Obviously this is difficult when the incoming messages are so conflicting. I am not a boyfriend but I am her sweatheart, her angel, etc. Okay, for the sake of full disclosure I will say this but, please forgive the cloying sentimentality. I have not had the same sort of feelings for any other woman as I do for her. No, I am not some sort of masochist and I am not inexperienced relative to relationships. I have been able to walk away from other toxic situations. This one is a challenge. You ask a very important and appropriate question, "whose life is it anyway?" Clearly I know the answer but it breaks my heart to think of walking away.
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misswonderment, Oh, no you are not making me feel worse. Usually if one has to ask the question it is a pretty good bet that they know the answer. To answer your question, she is 10 years my junior - started college late because of family issues. She has a significant fear of abandonment, which is why she gets very anxious when I express some of my concerns to her because she is expecting me to say that I have had enough and to walk away. I think in some ways I am hanging in there with her just so I do not feed her self-fulfilling prophesy. I have been back and forth with questions like, "Is this one big test?" or "Is she just a taker and cannot give anything back?" All in all it seems pretty unhealthy but I have a hard time accepting defeat (my own little character flaw).
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Interesting questions misswonderment. Well, I would not exactly say I am keen to make it physical but then I would be less than honest if I did not admit I would welcome it should that happen. What makes it a little muddy is that she was the one who frequently spoke of sexual intimacy and her desire to have that with me. Quite naturally it raised my expectations and, really, how could it not? When that did not happen it was a disappointment but the message I continued to give her was that she had the right to change her mind and, if I am really a friend, I need to be supportive of her decision. The fact that I took this position should answer your question as to whether I respect her. I did not pressure her or in any way make an attempt to have her feel guilty about her choice. Her messages are mixed - I do not see you as a boyfriend but I want you to tell me that you love me, tell me that I am special, tell me that you will never leave me. Any guy is naturally going to be scratching his head!
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I am sorry to read that your experience has been so traumatic. I cannot really say I am suffering as much as I am confused and suspicious - neither of which are especially good when you are supposed to be a friend.
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Hi TiredMan! Thanks for the reply. It seems we have similar personalities in this respect. I was brought up with the notion that if there is love there is no selfishness and if there is selfishness there is no love. As you know, this is not a universally held concept. It is not really that I care about the money. What would bother me is the knowledge that my generosity was being taken for granted and there is no intention of any sort of reciprocation. Again, this is not about buying affection. It is about fairness and sincerity in a supposed relationship.
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I recently posted here about an unusual situation I have with a woman. This started as a cyber-relationship that appeared to be taking root to develop something more substantive. However, on our first meeting, she made the decision that she could not be initimate with me - not even to allow kissing on the lips. Subsequent meetings have not changed her opinion. (No, really I am not a troll or The Elephant Man). I mentioned in my previous post that she still wants all the attention, the flowery words and the emotional support. Support has also come to include financial support to help her while she is in school. I have pampered her (not with the intention of buying affection!) but to help her with some self-image issues about not being good enough, etc. The pampering has included a few gifts from Tiffany, a few fancy dinners and the like. With each gesture she seems to have a need to say that she really cares for me, she loves me and I am a very special friend and it is not about the money. Every time she says this I am reminded of a quote (not sure who said it) "When someone says it is not about the money, you can be sure it is about the money". I would like to think of myself as an understanding, empathetic man who may be generous to a fault, even with someone who has caused him a little emotional pain. I would like to think I am being as good a friend as I can be but am I really just a fish on the hook?