smallworld

Linda, maybe you should be with your Ex, maybe not. But without trying to work things out with your husband first, you're dooming whichever relationship you decide to pursue. Sure life with the Ex looks good from where you're standing. You don't have to pay bills with him or clean up after his messes. You owe it to yourself, your husband, your four kids, and your Ex (in that order) to make a good faith effort to figure out what's wrong with your marriage and whether or not it's fixable. If it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, time and a lot of brutal honest & self-reflection will reveal that. For now keep the Ex as a friend without the romance or sex. If you can't do that, then let him go. He deserves to be with a woman who's 100% available and who wants to be with him and him alone, without games and dishonesty. Btw, do you honestly think a relationship born from cheating would outlast one deliberately built from the start on love, honor, and respect??? I know it's hard to not give into temptation, but if you really hope to live happily ever after, you owe it to all involved to do what's right, fair, honest, and loving.

I think she should drop the biking and join a running club instead since it seems to be more her thing. Ok seriously, this girl has commitment issues. For whatever reason she's strongly attracted to you, but is afraid of getting emotionally attached to you (the closer we get to anyone, the more power they have to hurt us), so she runs hot/cold. I'm sure you like her a lot, but short of therapy or a life altering epiphany, this girl isn't likely to change her ways. The only thing I can say with some certainty is that if you leave her alone, she'll be back. The question is "Are you willing to take her back knowing the second you do, she's likely to run again?" If you ever have any hope of being with her, you'll have to talk heart to heart next time and tell her what you think is going on and how her actions impact you. Hopefully she'll hear you out, empathize with your side of things, and be open to your suggestion of possible ways she can distance herself from her fears temporarily without abandoning you for weeks at a time.

Hey Barney, if you have any doubts, it's better to keep things as they are then to try to force yourself to feel attracted to her if you don't (and thereby risk hurting her at some later point if someone else comes along that you'd fancy more.) If you've ever been strongly attracted to someone before, you'd know that there's no doubts or hesitations. You just want to spend every second of the day with them. Don't worry about being shallow. Worry about doing the right thing for her and you. If you don't find her attractive, there might just be someone else out there who'd adamantly disagree with you. And doesn't she deserve to be with someone who thinks she's beautiful just as she is and who has no doubts that she's the only one for him? You deserve the same, but you'll never find it if you settle for what's "safe". Just a thought...

Your problem is an interesting one, because you and your boyfriend have such diametric view on the issues of masturbation, porn, and what they mean to you both. Rather than get into a discussion about what's right, wrong, or normal, I think it's more important to realize that you're both very different people and that neither of you is likely to change. Your boyfriend is a very sexual guy and he's not going to give up porn or masturbating for you, no matter how much he loves you. You're a lady whose familiar with the devastation of infidelity, insecurity and sexual abuse who believes that sex shouldn't just be a means of gratification, but a sacred communion between two people that deeply love each other. I hate to say it, but given the way you both think about sex, it doesn't seem like you're sexually compatible. Your diametric ideas about sex say a lot about who you both are emotionally and spiritually and unfortunately unless either of you is willinging to make drastic compromises, it would seem that you have very little choice but to separate.

Scorchio, no two thoughts can occupy the same space at the same time. The best way to get a person out of your mind is to deliberately think of someone or something else. Whether that someone or something is a new relationship, a hobby, or a cause greater than yourself, it doesn't much matter. The important thing is to make a conscious choice to think about things that you can have some power or influence over, and to take the necessary actions to make those rewarding things happen. Doing so makes all the difference between feeling empowered and helpless. The good news is it's your choice! How do you want to think? feel? Btw if a child is involved, there's very little chance that she never thinks of you. Undoubtedly she's using NC the same way you are... to heal.

Girl_83, sex can be a very touchy subject. I realize you didn't intend for this to happen, but once you gave in and had sex with your boyfriend, you taught him that if he begs, whines, and pleads enough, your morals are flexible and you'll eventually give in again. He gets angry and feels rejected because he feels like you have all the power in the relationship with regards to sex, and it frustrates him. We teach others how to treat us. If you really are saving yourself for marriage, you have to respect yourself enough to not give in and you have to accept the fact that the consequences of refusing to give in is possibly losing him. I know you love him, but love has to flow both ways for a relationship to work. Love isn't words. It's actions. I dont care how good it feels to hear him say those three little words. If he really cares about you, the acid test would be that he'd stop pressuring you to have sex when it's so clearly against your morals. Decide what you want to do and then talk to him. If he can't respect your wishes, then it's probably time to let him go.

Helpme, the tension isn't imagined. Once you tell the secrets of someone who's very private, it's nearly impossible to be trust worthy again. The only thing you can do is talk to her and tell her why you did what you did. Maybe when she hears the extenuating circumstances, she might feel differently and forgive you more easily. Good luck!

Ah the age old question: Cute vs. Hot? And what does it all mean??? Like anything else, it depends on the girl and what she means by "cute." Personally I use the word "cute" to describe anyone or anything I'd like to hug. Other girls might use it as a means of avoiding the dilemma of hurting your feelings if your attractiveness comes up and they don't feel the same way. So how do you know if it's good or 'bad'? Well, observe the girl and how much she flirts or interacts with you. Ignore words. Trust actions. One other thing: Unless a girl is really forward, I can't see her telling you to your face that you're "hot." Saying so would make things awkward if she likes you but doesn't know you very well. Saying so would give a guy too much of an upper hand in a budding relationship. So as you can see, the phrase "cute" is often employed because it's a good, safe compromise between being flirty and giving away too much information to the "enemy." Conclusion: If lots of girls are calling you "cute," why fight it??? 8)

Yes!!! You're right!!!

Walk away. If she wants back in your life, let her earn her way back into your good graces. It doesn't matter why she's only called you once in two weeks and has failed to return messages. It only matters that she hasn't. Btw I know it's hard, but don't feel used. I'm sure you let things go a little quicker than usual, because she was introduced too you by a close friend. Next time though please be sure to take things slowly especially if you're involved with someone who's just gotten out of a long term relationship. Sex is never just sex. It's the lifeline to a whole of emotions that are best left untouched until both people love and trust each other enough to handle them.

Just focus on spending more time with her and talking about anything. When you go to the movies, ask her about what movies she's liked, hated, etc. When you're at the mall, shop around together and make random comments about what strange people and things you see. Go by the jewelry store and try to guess what ring she'd like. Go to the toy store and try to figure out which stuffed animal catches her eye and what her favorite games/toys used to be. Go to the book store and find out what she likes to read and point out books you've enjoyed. Go to the pet store and find out whether she's a cat, dog, bird, ferret, or fish lover, and what pets she had growing up. Get the idea? By the way if this girl has half a brain, she'll be reciprocating and wanting to know your answers to the same questions. The point is to talk, talk, talk and find out as much as you can about one another. Give her that kind of attention and she'll be the happiest girl in the world.

Good question. Getting comfortable is a matter of having fun, cuddling, and getting to know one another without the pressure of sexual contact (like making out). When the time is right to make a move you'll know, so don't worry about it. My guess is if you respect her need to take things slowly, she'll inevitably pounce on you first!

First kisses are special, but think of it this way: No matter who you're with, the very first time you kiss each other, is the "first kiss" you both share together. This first kiss isn't made any more or less special by the kisses you've shared or not shared with others, but by the moment it takes place and the person you're sharing it with. It'd be nice if we could all kiss the first person we've ever fallen in love with, but life's rarely that logical or neat. Long story short, don't worry about it. When the right girl comes along, you'll know and she won't care how experienced you are. She'll just want to be with you and your lips!

Kudos Allstar! It takes a lot of courage to tell a girl how you really feel about her. As long as she didn't run away screaming, don't worry about her reaction. She's shy too and most likely was overwhelmed by all the sweet things you said. Give her a few days to digest it all. I'm sure she'll eventually come around and have a few sweet things to say to you too.

Hi Allstar, I'm going to combine the best of the above advice and say tell her how you feel, but show her in small affectionate ways every day what she means to you. When you take her out, give her hello/goodbye hugs, open doors for her, pull chairs for her, and try to hold her hand or put your arm around her when you're walking. Talk and listen attentively to what she has to say about anything and everything. (For some odd reason girls find guys who are good listeners sexy!) And when you're ready, a soft and gentle first kiss isn't a bad way to show her how much you like her either. Make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and everything should fall into place. It's these small daily romantic gestures that differentiate you from being just another guy friend. Viva la difference!

I agree with Melrich. I realize the other woman and man in your lives want an answer now, but you owe it to your children and your marriage to not make this decision lightly. The best relationships take time and trust to build. To rush into the next relationship without resolving the issues of the first is shortchanging and damaging to the second, no matter how promising such romances appear. If the others can't wait, love them enough to let them go. If it was meant to be between you, they'll come back into your lives someday. What's in everyone's best interests is honesty and a lot of self-reflection. You and/or your wife should move out of the house and keep separate residences for 6 months or so, alternating weekly who stays with the kids. Although it's tempting, stay friends with your prospective loves, but don't give into temptation. Sex and romance only complicate an otherwise already convoluted situation. Take the time away from the kids to figure out what it is you really want and in time the answers will become clear. Good look to all of you!

I believe in "signs." The slap and you hitting your Ex are billboard size ones that says "MOVE OUT!" I know it's hard, but please don't take the bait when they start tearing you down to build themselves up. They're trying to make you hurt and angry, so you'll talk back and they'll have a reason to hit you or tear you down further. You're NONE of the things they say and you know it and this is a pointless war. Leave the room, don't say anything, or if you're feeling ironic, agree with them for a change. If you do the latter you take the ammunition out of their words and they won't know what to say. Hope this weekend finds you far from the house.

Isn't it funny how when you finally know what you want to do, things start breaking down? You're absolutely right to stay until you can afford to leave. Is it possible for you to spend less time at home, so that they can't "get" to you? I think that making small changes like that would help you immensely. The madness comes from 'uncertainty' and the seeming endlessness of your predicament. But now that you know you're going to move out, you can take the madness. Just keep brainstorming and formulating a plan to leave. Think of all your options. I know you'd rather live with your bf, but have you thought about finding a few girlfriends to move in with? You can divide your rent by 3 or 4 and this way you won't have to wait for him to get his act together. Or when you're able to pay rent can you move in with your sister? Keep thinking about where you could go. Any place is better than a house full of self-loathers. Good luck!

Hey Sizzle, that's tough. Most people at one time or another have a 'beef' with their parents, but yours really take the enchilada. Here's what I see: They're really screwed up and they hate themselves so much that they visciously pick on others who are guilty of their drinking crimes and now they're picking on you. At some level, you must know that they gang up on you because of "kick the dog" syndrome. Kicking the dog is all about picking on someone weaker to make oneself feel better about one's own cruddy life. They pick on you because they have no one else to pick on and they know you're the good kid who'll put up with their bs. The answer to your problems is as clear as day to me: MOVE OUT. You're 21 and doing an amazing job already of taking care of yourself despite the destruction your parents wreak on your self-esteem daily. Imagine what incredible things you could do if you had your own place, didn't have to deal with their dysfunctional drama on a daily basis, had time to do whatever you wanted, and if you were actually happy? You're right about one thing though. Respect is earned, not given. So make them earn it!!! If the hurtful words start flying, just say "I don't want to fight with you anymore" and walk out of the room. If they ask you to do something that you don't agree with or don't want to do, just say "No." (If your sister can say "no", so can you!) Sooner or later your "parents" are going to have to realize that if they want a relationship with you, they're going to have to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. The only person you can make happy in this life is YOU. If you stand up for yourself, but do so with honor and respect for your parents, they still might never change, but at least you'll finally have a chance at being happy yourself. Isn't that worth standing up for???

Thanks for sharing Lily! 8) Every few years I take these tests and I always end up being INFJ (or INFP depending on hormones) Since both are very similar, I'd say it's accurate for me. Too bad I didn't listen to what these tests said many, many years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of self-doubt and indecision. Try it! It's enlightening, fun, and fat free!

Do the right thing. You're happy with Earl. Why would you break his heart just to go back to a guy who couldn't find a way to contact you or someone who knows you in the 2-3 months he was in Cali? Believe me if a guy really likes you, he'll move mountains to get your phone number.

LittleOne, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for "Emily." I can't tell you how many women don't leave and become trapped in a relationship that gets progessively violent once they get pregnant and/or have children. Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or is this about the fear of being alone? link removed

LittleOne, I know your boyfriend isn't ideal, but I wouldn't start dating the new guy until you dump the old one. The new guy deserves to be with you without having to worry about the old one possibly getting violent (as he's gotten with you) or coming back into your life. Do the right thing and cut the ties first.

Vert, I understand that there can be little to no compromise over their marriage situation, but what I say still holds true. They have to talk. If her husband will not bend or compromise (as he probably won't), then her conscience is clear. She's done all she can to work things out and is free to leave. What else are they going to do??? As for assets, they've only been married for a month, so I don't think that's as important an issue at this point. To me one's own identity is more valuable than any amount of money that attempts to control it.

Some ladies like to drive and some like to be driven. Glad to hear things worked out so well for you Doc!!!