densil
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Thanks guys, Yeah I'm sure you are all right. Its just that in every other way she is perfect it just lacks that X-factor. I guess part of me worries that she will become "the one that got away" and that I will always regret it. Also do you think being hurt from another relationship (one that at its best was amazing) & breakup could prevent you from getting "the spark"? Or am I just trying to think of excuses not to finish it? I would like to think that if I met someone who really did it for me then a previous relationship would have absolutely no effect on the spark I would feel. Just time to get some balls I guess, Steve
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Thanks Keenan, Yeah I'm sorry about that use of "inferior" that was shocking. I don't mean it either. Its just that the other girl has never put a foot wrong and I almost wish that she would, I think we should ahve just been friends from the start. Steve
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Hiya, I have been dating a girl now for over 6 months. This girl really is the nicest person, in that she is intelligent, kind, honest, all the things that you would want in a partner. However, even at the start I never had that "spark" that you normally get at the beginning of a relationship. I wondered if the spark would develop over time, unfortunately I don't think it has. During the 6 months I have continued to insist that we just "date" rather than become boyfriend/girlfriend. I find myself describing this girl as "nice" to people, and a number of people have pointed out that a 'partner' should be described as more than "nice". And I think they may have a point. However, about a year and a half ago I went through a nasty breakthrough. I have wondered whether the breakup has left me scarred so as not to allow me to "fall" for anyone else, a kind of self preservation maybe. Recently I met another girl, who on first impressions seems to be inferior to the girl I have been seeing. However, there is far more of a spark between us. I have been seeing this girl for the last few weeks (as the previous girl and I are on a "break") and things are good. My question is, should I break up for good with the first girl who, on paper is perfect and start seeing the new girl. Or shall I stick with the other girl and wait to see if things develop? Any advice would be most appreciated, am in a right muddle, Many thanks, Steve
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I have just met a really sweet girl and she is honestly one of the nicest girls I have ever met. Great sense of humour, loyal and all the things I want in a girl. However, when it comes to looks she really doesn't do it for me. Its not that I find her particularly unattractive, its just that shes on the larger side. (And I never really got the butterflies in your stomach type of feeling). And that is pretty well the only thing that I dislike about her. And I am hating myself because it is so superficial of me. I am worried that I'm gonna let the best girl I have ever met slip through my fingers. I guess I just have to work out exactly how superficial I am! Any ideas etc. would be most appreciated. Densil
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I say go for it. After such a long time being with him I can't even imagine what its like to be contemplating leaving. I mean the unknown of what happens if you do leave must be quite a scary prospect. But if you feel like that there is no point staying with this guy you have to leave. You only get one life, and imagine how you are going to feel in ten years time if you are with the same guy! If you have the blessing of your kids, I say go for it, very much doubt that you would regret it. Densil
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Thanks for all the advice guys, and yeah you are all right! I guess at the end of the day it just comes down getting out there and chatting to girls. Just gotta get out there, and I'm coming to the conclusion that there are no tips with regard to that. Right, time to find some balls!! Many thanks!
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For the last few months I have started going out again trying to meet new people having pretty well gotten over a breakup. I have been mainly going out at uni where its a great atmosphere and there are lots of really nice girls. I've always been pretty shy and now I'm no longer happy being shy and am trying to kick it. I have successfully chatted to a few (like 3!) girls, but the thing is, I seem to get infatuated by people so easily and find myself unable to even consider trying to go after other girls etc. I've been told by friends that I should just go from person to person and not get so "hooked" by one person. And I know they are right, although I just can't seem to do it. I tend to find myself making an effort getting on the dancefloor etc. But I get this feeling that I am invisible. I think I just lack confidence, neeedlessly too! But how do you rebuild confidence? I know it involves putting yourself in positions that you wouldnt normally let yourself get in i.e. get out of the "safety zone", but what else can you do? And how do you go from girl to girl without becoming besotted with each one? I know this lot is a confused rambling but if anyone has any advice etc it would be most appreciated. Regards, densil
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"I give her everything she wants sexually, its a lot believe me." Exactly, I dont think that its anything too sinister going on. But stop being so easy. I would say, if she wants everything make sure you get your fair sharetoo. Just don't give it to her until she reciprocates, will drive her crazy. She has it 'easy' at the moment. I would bet that after a little strop she would come round and it will be equal in the bedroom, it maybe that she will really lose it and in that case she really ain't right, cos you want a gf that ur happy in a sexual way. Steve
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Hi Pebek, I have been following your posts ever since the breakup as you seem to have had a similar situation to myself. I too have just passed the one year mark and I still find myself thinking of the ex and good times and that sort of rubbish. But one thing has recently dawned on me, there are soooo many nice girls out there. And I even reckon that there are girls out there who are even more suited to me than my ex was, now I tell you, a year ago I never thought that I would ever say that! I am so excited about the prospect of being single and meeting girls and getting those tingling feelings that you get when you start to get to know them. And remember if your ex had been the right one for you then she would still be with you. End of story. Think about it Regards, Steve
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Last night, like most Saturday nights, I had a night on the town. Had a few drinks, feeling fairly happy and humorous, laughing and joking with friends, and all was going well. As usual I was keeping one eye open on the other sex ;-) and, as occasionally happens, I got a few "comon" looks from women. Unfortunately I tended to half smile and look away. I went over to the various women and started to psyche myself up to talk to them. However, I managed to leave it too long and miss all of the various opportunities and went home having spoken to no one and feeling incredibly annoyed with myself. Ok, so what I'm asking is, how do you stop doing this? Is it just self-correcting in that eventually you will get so annoyed with yourself that you no longer care about rejection etc and just do it? Or are there any specific hints and tips?? And what can you say that doesn't make you sound pathetic? One thing is for sure, there is no way I'm going to carry on missing these opportunities, but how do you change? Many thanks, Steve
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Like you I too am a pretty shy person. I somehow managed to get in to a two year relationship (not sure how i managed that!) that ended over 6 months ago. I was shy before the relationship and I am still shy now. But I am determined to become less so! And I think the key is to force yourself to do things that you are scared of / wouldn't normally do. Now I don't mean, clean your room etc. But talking to people. For example, I see a girl coming towards me who I would love to chat to In response, due to shyness, I tend to put my head down, avoid eye contact and keep walking. But now, whenever I get that scared/cowardly feeling I think to myself "Right I am gonna say hello/smile/talk to her". And most of the time, I do!!! And I tell you that gives you so much confidence. You can gain confidence even if it goes terribly. I mean, it doesn't matter if you muddle your words or say something stupid, because you know that you can do stuff like that and it doesn't matter. No one cares if you make a fool of yourself, and more than likely you won't anyway!!! So my advice is get out there, and be cruel to yourself! Otherwise a lifetime will pass you by and you will wonder what the hell you did with it! Hope that helps, Regards, Steve
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How to tell someone that you like them without scaring them?
densil replied to densil's topic in Dating Advice
Thanks yorkrose! Yeah you have got it in one. I never invited her out on a "date" as such. This was mainly so that we got the chance to kinda get to know each other first. But also because I tend to work myself up about these type of things and if it was a date date then I really would be a nervous wreck. I guess its a confidence problem, I know that we would be good together, yet, I'm still afraid of trying too hard because of the risk of rejection. Yeah stupid I know! Time to get some balls I reckon! I think that its a good idea to ask her out for a proper date, no more messing about! But do you know of any ways to stay calm? I really don't fancy the idea of going out for a meal or anything as formal as that for a first date, can you think of any other good things to do where there is less "pressure"? Cheers, Steve -
She's back oh wait a minute she's gone again....
densil replied to sspaul72's topic in Getting Back Together
Hi I'm afraid there is no easy answer. I know what you're going through. You probably think/hope that there is some brilliant sentence that you can say to her that will bring her to her senses. But I very much doubt this. She know how you feel about her, end of story. Believe me, the more you try and convince her the faster she will run in the opposite direction. Having said that its human nature and despite all the great advice on these forums you are going to probably try all the pleading, encouraging and begging. But you will get bored of it and you will save yourself the misery (eventually!). Try and see this and you may get over it a lot quicker. If you are what she wants you she WILL come back. And if you chase her she definetly won't. Steve -
Hi! The situation: Nine months ago my girlfirend broke up withm me. Since then I have slowly started to get over her (for those going through it, things do eventually get better). And a few weeks ago I met a girl who absolutely blew me away ie. stunningly attrative with a personality to match. We recently went on a date and it all went quite well - at least I tried my best to ask her about herself, managed not to insult her and we had a few laughs. However, at the end of the day I asked if she would like to go out again. And although she agreed she wasn't quite so fired up / keen as me. I have a few concerns, has anyone got any ideas advice for me? - I put loads of pressure on myself because I knew how great that this girl is. Inevitably, I was pretty nervous and although conversation was ok it was not the real me, and the conversation didn't flow that well. And I didn't really feel like I did myself justice. I'm guessing that this will be easier next time? - We first met in the pub and we did the whole looking up at each other from accross the bar so I assumed that she was interested in me. However, from this recent day out, I think she sees me more as a friend ie. she has no idea that I like her in 'that' way. - We have only been out the once so I might well have been expecting too much from a first date. Do you think I should carry on getting to know her or would it be better to tell her my intentions sooner? I don't want to enter the "friend zone" but at the same time I am conscious of scaring her off. Many thanks, Steve
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Day 44 of NC. Damn this is lonely
densil replied to skynet74's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hi skynet, I'm in an almost identical position to yourself having kept NC for six weeks. And I think you are right about the time to cool down and heal. But from reading your posts I am a bit concerned about your hope for reconciliation. I only point this out because I am similar, and I am trying to give advice to myself as well as to you. I know that I still wonder about her and whats she's doig and if she is thinking about me and if/when she will contact me. I know this is one of the last hurdles that I face. These thoughts have to be forgotten at least pushed to the back of your mind. If I'm honest I think that the only reason that I want a friendship is so that I could develop it in to a full blown relationship. I have a suspicion that this is NOT good! Sounds a bit cliche, but I reckon that its only once we admit to ourselves that there is nothing left to save, only then can we fully recover. OK, I have waffled on there, but in summary, be careful what you wish for, I think it will only be a waste of time and a path to even more heartache. Now, anyone with some optimism!?!? hehehehe