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shes2smart

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Everything posted by shes2smart

  1. shes2smart
    Remember this: DISTRACTION IS YOUR FRIEND. In the aftermath of varioius break-ups, I have done all of the following (no matter if I was dumper or dumpee): took classes...everything from basic auto maintenance to yoga to cooking to personal finance. Only stipulation was that it had to be something I had an interest in. took up a new hobby or returned to an old one...sewing, owning and racing harness horses & helping friends with their horses on race nights (this was a very time-consuming hobby and got unfortunately shelved if whoever I was seeing wasn't into horses...when I got married, I made sure he was into the horses and racing so I wouldn't have to give it up until I was ready to) went to therapy with a counselor. went to a massage therapist on a regular basis. wrote volumes in my journal. planned and took vacations by myself. nothing like getting away and realizing there's all kinds of world and people to explore. treated myself very well including: dinners out at nice restaurants (alone), time with old friends, massages/pedi/mani, etc, clothing or other "retail therapy"...while staying in the reasonable constraints of what I could afford. planning and carrying out a personal healing ritual...including things like writing out everything I wanted to say to the ex, going to a secluded place in nature and reading the letter out loud to the trees, then burning the letter and scattering the ashes...taking a piece of jewelry one ex had given me going on vacation and throwing it out in the desert whilst screaming at the top of my lungs....all very symbolic/cathartic.... that oughta keep ya busy for a little while.
  2. shes2smart
    I don't think it's possible to be cool with everyone....unless you have absolutely NO opinions, no personal moral code, no sense of right/wrong, and no sense of appropriate behavior....which would make someone a fairly bland and spineless kind of person. Polite and civil to others? Certainly...until they've proven they cannot behave that way in return. If they can't...well, I'll just be moving along, then.
  3. shes2smart
    Oh, also...if you are religious, you may also consider seeking out your pastor/reverend/priest as they likely will have some counseling training as well. For people who place high importance on their religion, that can be a preferable option to going to a non-religious counselor.
  4. shes2smart
    A psychiatrist is also an MD in addition to having training in counseling and would be able to prescribe medication (and is probably likely to, since their training is skewed that way). A psychologist has training in counseling but no MD and cannot prescribe medication. They may, however, work with an MD who will or they may work with your own primary care doc for meds, if they think (and you agree) meds would be beneficial. The times I went to therapy that I found most beneficial, it was with someone who had a MA in counseling/therapy (Master's Degree)...she was not a PhD (dr.) or MD (medical doc). When she and I felt I needed meds, I went to my regular doc, told him/her what was up and told him/her I was in therapy, and they were more than happy to oversee the meds portion of my therapy. I also had good counseling experiences with a licensed social worker.
  5. shes2smart
    You are certainly in a difficult situation, and I think you may really benefit from some short-term counseling so that you can process through your feelings from your own miscarriage and the situation with his ex's baby. It's not fair or productive to expect him to be able to play that "counselor" role for you in this situation, since he's up to his eyeballs in it, too. In order to avoid the two of you eventually going after each other, I think getting yourself into counseling (or perhaps even both of you) to help you deal with these circumstances is your best bet if you want the relationship to be able to continue in a healthy way.
  6. shes2smart
    In the long run, I suspect it'd be best if you left the relationship between your brother and his ex alone and let them sort it out for themselves. That relationship is between the two of them...not the two of them and you or the two of them and you and your husband. If you really want to help, I think your focus needs to continue to be getting your brother some professional treatment for his depression. That would mean, at minimum, therapy and for his best shot at getting it under control a combination of therapy and medication. Getting her back is a temporary fix at best. Dealing with his depression puts him in a position where he is better able to cope with his life with or without her. It's like that old saying about giving a man a fish and he eats for a day...but if you teach him to fish, he can continue to feed himself long after the one fish you gave him is gone.
  7. shes2smart
    Yes, ask him what he wants. Then, if you're bothered/annoyed by all this, ask him to leave you alone.
  8. shes2smart
    Been both dumper and dumpee. Dumper more often. Healed just fine, thanks. Learned a lot and eventually learned enough that I was capable of creating a healthy relationship and also selecting a partner who was capable of creating a healthy relationship, too. No matter which set of shoes I was wearing -- dumper or dumpee -- there followed a period of introspection, reflection, and growth...often times aided by a professional therapist. It's not so much if you're the dumper or dumpee that determines whether you become a better person after a break-up, but rather it is what you choose to do with those experiences and how you choose to view them that determines how you will heal and grow.
  9. shes2smart
    No, but you could've impregnated some gal....which has its own set of consequences as well.
  10. shes2smart
    I've read your other two threads. Sounds to me like the relationship is not a priority for him...plain and simple. You cannot make him change his priorities. Only thing you have control over is whether you're gonna put up with being that far down his list by continuing to stick around or if you're gonna take your toys and find someone who'll put you first. It's truly amazing how people will MAKE the time to do what's important to them. I've seen it over and over. People can say just about anything, but where the rubber hits the road, what they choose to do and how they choose to spend their time speaks volumes. I've been in a relationship where I was not even in the guy's top 5 priorities. I'm married to a guy who has never made me doubt I am his #1 priority. Trust me, being #1 with your significant other -- and having their actions prove it on a daily basis -- beats being further down the chain six ways to Sunday.
  11. shes2smart
    Books like that tend to overlook the fact that your ex has a mind of his/her own and may really be done with the relationship. Takes 2 to make a relationship work, and if one's decided they're done, that's pretty much the end of it. If any of my exes had tried that crap on me, it'd only serve to annoy me and remind me of every single reason why I was done with the relationship. It would NOT make me miss them. If it had gotten to the point where I felt breaking up was the only option left, then I'm not going back no matter what they do. If they kept on contacting me after they'd been asked not to repeated times, I'd start thinkin' "stalker."
  12. shes2smart
    Can't say for sure, but my parents were funny about me being around boys when I was in jr. high and high school (ages 13-18 or so). My mother seemed to assume that simply being around boys would result in wild sex, drinking and all kinds of debauchery. I'm glad she had so much faith in her own parenting skills. The great part is this: you're 19. If you're not living on your own, you likely will be soon...and at that point, your parents can have all the opinions they want, but they no longer get a vote in what you choose to do.
  13. shes2smart
    Well, I think one of the issues that's been raised is the fact that he's (apparently) waited till nearly a year in to bring it up. I won't argue the fact that he (or anyone else for that matter) can set up whatever standards they want for themselves in terms of a partner. No matter how aribitrary they may seem to an outside observer. Heck, I had a bias against guys who thought having a TV in the bedroom was acceptable, if you want to talk about nitpicky arbitrary standards. Just seems to me that if you have such a standard, and it was that important to you, you'd screen potential partners based on your preferences earlier on than 8 months into a relationship.
  14. shes2smart
    I'd rather defy gravity.
  15. shes2smart
    I think some of it depends on your age (if you're under, say 23 or 24, the perception would be you might be a bit too young) and some of it depends on what they've observed about your relationship (if, for example, a couple that argues in public a lot announces they're getting married, people they know might be a little less than optimistic about their chances.) People's views are also clouded by their own experiences -- if they've lived through a nasty divorce (theirs or, say, their parents) they might have a more negative view of marriage than someone who is happily married. If you are doing what you believe is right for you, then screw the naysayers. They're entitled to their opinions -- even on things that are none of their business -- and you are entitled to ignore them.
  16. shes2smart
    My last bf was 18 years older than me. I'm married to a guy 11 years younger than me. It was never about money (I'm quite capable of buying my own dinner, thanks) or status or security or power or "daddy issues" (whatever that's supposed to mean). It was about that particular individual and how I interacted with him...no more, no less.
  17. shes2smart
    Another possibility... What if the honest answer is she doesn't know her "number"? I mean, it never struck me as a game where I'd be expected to keep score, so I never bothered counting and keeping track. Seein' as how I've had more than 2 decades of being sexually active, didn't get married til I was 38, and have the usual memory gaps that come with age, I really have no idea of a "number." Much as I'd like to believe I am one-of-a-kind, I'm guessin' that I'm not the only person around here who can't produce an accurate "number" on demand.
  18. shes2smart
    If you haven't tried meds, you should go speak to your regular doctor. Mention the way you're feeling and the fact that you are in therapy and intend to continue. It might be more comfortable for you and quicker to get in with a doc you are already established with than to go to a specialist (like a psychiatrist) you've never seen before. A good doc isn't going to deny you medication and will work with you to find the proper med and dosage for you.
  19. shes2smart
    The most effective treatment for depression is a combination of meds and therapy. You can get antidepressants from either a psychiatrist or your regular doctor. It may take some time for you to figure out the correct dosage and which med you need to be on for the most benefit with the least amount of side effects. Once you are on it, it will take a minimum of 2 weeks to notice any improvement....and it's likely people around you will start to notice improvements before you do. Also, plan on a minimum of 6 months on meds to get maximum benefit. It's also quite possible that your brain chemistry is such that you will need to stay on some kind of med long-term to regulate yourself. Some people are just wired that way, and to be fully functioning and happy, they need the meds on a permanent basis. However, I think a lot of people are fine using meds and therapy on a temporary basis to help them over the rough spots and learn how to cope with things in new and better ways. I've dealt with depression on and off throughout my entire adult life. If it gets bad, I take meds for a few months and head back to therapy for a while. Most of the time anymore, though, I'm fine with no meds and no therapy or just therapy if something specific is bothering me.
  20. shes2smart
    I wholeheartedly agree with this. The relationships I had with people who were very different from me provided a lot of lessons and offered glimpses into different ways of seeing and approaching life. The theme of a lot of those lessons had to do with what didn't work for me in a relationship, though. Since I believe I wouldn't have learned any other way than from those individuals in those relationships, I certainly don't regret any of those involvements. However, when I was ready for a long-term marriage partner, the more similarities, the better.
  21. shes2smart
    It's been my experience that the more things I have in common with an SO, the smoother the relationship goes over the long haul. My husband and I think very much alike and we find the same things funny. Those two things alone have made it possible for us to navigate through some tough situations without having any knock-down, drag-out fights. There's an old saying that opposites attract. In practice, they might attract initially, but getting opposites to stick together over the long haul takes a lot of effort and can be difficult. Personally, I'm much happier with the "male version of me" that I married.
  22. shes2smart
    Yeah, it strikes me as the kinda question where the asker already has a "right" and "wrong" answer in mind. I refuse to knowingly put myself in a situation where I'm going to be asked to answer such a question. 'Cause if they're gonna ask me that sort of question once, they'll probably do it again...and that's gonna make me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Eeewww.. It's got nothing to do with being ashamed of my past. It's got to do with being comfortable and feeling accepted for who I am in my relationship.
  23. shes2smart
    I'm starting to suspect that as well. However, they seem to get replaced with an overwhelming desire to say things like, "When I was your age..." and "You young people today..." I fight those tendancies on a daily basis, but will indulge one now: The things you think are important have a way of obscuring the things that are really important over time.
  24. shes2smart
    But! Wait! If their number is "too low" don't you run the risk that at some point, they'll start to wonder what it's like to be with other people, and then they might cheat?!?!? What do you do then? Jinkies, that "don't ask/don't tell" option's startin' to look better and better, if only for one's own peace of mind.
  25. shes2smart
    Never asked any of my bf's or my husband about a number or for specific details. It's none of my business what they did before they met me. I can learn about what kind of person they are by observing their behavior in the present. I've also never been asked for a number of specifics. Perhaps because of my attitude toward this subject, I wouldn't get close enough to someone who was likely to ask such a question. The implications of being asked such a question (as I mentioned in my previous post) would gripe my cookies enough that I'd probably just move along.
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