shes2smart

The cold, hard fact of the matter is the world does not owe you (or any of us) anything. I realize you may just be venting, and you may have simply been expressing that feeling in the moment you wrote that. I think most people have felt that way at one time or another, but the fact of the matter is, the world owes us nothing. There is no way you can get back time that has gone by, however you have the power to leave the past behind and make the most of your present and future. If you believe pursuing legal action is what will help get this behind you, then you need to pony up and consult a lawyer. I'll tell you this from personal experience - if this is the path you choose, understand that the US legal system moves at a snail's pace, and even though your lawyer may paint a rosy picture for you, there's no telling how a judge and/or jury will see the matter. It's a crap shoot -- you may or may not get the resolution you were looking for. But you're guaranteed to be mucking around in the past for an even longer period of time than you already have. If you find there is little you can do at this late date, then your choices come down to these: 1. Continue to let events that happened 15 years ago steal more time from you now or 2. Take responsibility for your life now, let the past go, and start making your life a place where you want to be. Ok, so some horrendous things happened to you...it's not the end of the world unless you allow it to be. There are some people in this world who've had worse things happen, and some who haven't. We all have to play the cards we've been dealt. Unfortunately, we cannot go back and ask for a re-deal. The point of power is always in the present moment. You can choose, right now, to start taking positive steps or you can choose to continue a negative spiral. For example, you can choose, right now, to consult a lawyer, seek counseling, or to go to an Alcoholics Anoymous or Narcotics Anonymous meeting. You can also choose to see yourself as a victim, see those events as a defining moment in your life you will never get over or choose to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. One set of choices traps you in the past, the other set of choices frees you move to a better place. You can choose to let the events of the past destroy you, or you can choose to let those events be something that makes you stronger. When I was going through a particularly awful time, I ran accross this quote and it gave me a lot to think about. "Even the almighty God cannot change the past." You cannot turn back time and you cannot get time back. But you can start taking steps right now to take care of yourself and create the life you want. best of luck to you ~s2s

If you haven't already, see a dr. (preferably a dermatologist) and get a prescription. There are a lot of different medications you can try to keep you comfortable and get it to clear up. You can also try oatmeal baths to help with itching. I think Aveeno still makes packets of oatmeal bath powder you can buy over-the-counter at a drug store. Do not use hot water for the bath--lukewarm only because hot water will dry out your skin and irritate it. Always make sure your skin is sufficiently moisturized. Anything that irritates your skin - being too dry, hot water, perfume, scented lotions, make-up, etc - is going to worsen the exczema. My dermatologist recommended Lubriderm (the hypo-allergenic, non-scented kind) for an OTC moisturizer...to save some money, I usually just buy the store brand knock-off of Lubriderm and it works just fine. Don't use soap--use a non-soap cleanser like Cetaphil (again, I usually buy the store brand knock-off) If there's a K-Mart near you their "American Fare" knock-offs of Cetaphil and Lubriderm are good and anywhere from $3-$5 cheaper than the brand names. Meijer's knock-offs are also pretty good. The over the counter stuff is not going to make it go away, but it will help with the itching and may help some with appearance issues. If you want it to go away, you really need to go to a dr. and get a prescription. You might also want to try some relaxation techniques so you're not so stressed out. As you already know stress can trigger an outbreak. I had my first outbreak of exczema in my 20's...for the most part it's under control now...I only run into a problem if I don't keep up with the moisturizing or if it's really, really hot & humid and I'm outside for a long time. best of luck to you, ~s2s

Maybe in your situation, but not for everyone. I've seen too many people who keep looking back because the future or starting anything new is so unfamiliar and scary they'd rather stick with the crap they know. At least it's familiar and they know what to expect...I guess there's some comfort in that. I was guilty of that myself a few times in my 20's, but in every case all I did was waste time looking back. Even under the best of circumstances, change is difficult and most of us tend to make changes only when we've reached a maximum point of discomfort. I think it's just the way humans are wired. It can be overcome through a lot of work, but I think that's probably our "default" setting. The Universe has the last laugh in that, as change really is the only constant. At any rate, we're all here to learn different things, so we all have different experiences at different times. best of luck to you ~s2s

Guess I'm in the minority on this one. I wouldn't for a second consider getting back together with ANY of my ex-bf's, even though some of those relationships were very good. Once things are over, they're over. I'd be a little skeptical of that 80% statistic--I'd want to know how they got to that number...what was the criteria for "separate"...one might assume "separate" meant a break-up, but did they include circumstances due to a job or family obligations where a couple might be living separately for that period of time? Maybe this was explained more in the book you read, I don't know...but if it wasn't specified, I'd question it. I've seen a lot of posts on this board where people want to get back with their ex, and I'm a bit at a loss to understand it. I've done the back-and-forth, on-and-off thing a couple of times and it's just way too much drama. For me, there comes a point where I know I'm done. That doesn't make walking away any easier, but it does make it final. When it's final, the only option one has is to look forward and move forward, which I believe is the healthy thing to do. It's difficult to move forward if part of you keeps looking back.

Tweezers take care of the few stray ones I have to deal with. If you've got more than can be handled with tweezers, you might want to consider one of those micro-trimmer things, waxing or laser removal. I suppose you could try using Nair or other hair removal cream if you're not allergic. I don't suppose it would cause an irritation problem on your chest like it would other places....unless you've got an allergy to it...in that case I'd stick with the non-chemical methods.

Absolutely HATED it. High school was THE worst...hated every minute of it...could be why I graduated early. College was a little better since I had more control over my schedule and I was actually studying stuff I wanted to study. Still, it was a pain in the butt. I gotta say having a job and going to work beats going to school, hands down, no question. Wouldn't go back to my teens or twenties for large sums of cash or any other inducements.

Events in and of themselves are not good or bad...it's how we choose to look at them. Here's an example: About 15 (yeesh.) years ago, I dated this guy for a couple months. I fell for him HARD. I thought he was a perfect match for me. Well, he didn't feel the same way, and dumped me in a rather classless and hurtful fashion. I was devastated. Spent the next 2 years comparing anyone I dated to him, and they didn't measure up. I thought it was some big, tragic event. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then, I met this new girl at work. Started making small talk with her. Turns out she was married to him (they had met & started dating a few months after he dumped me). I made myself miserable imagining how great her life with him must be. I still thought there was something terribly wrong with me. About a year after we were working at the same place, she comes in one day and looks completely miserable. She'd just found out he'd been cheating on her for quite some time with a "friend" of hers. Over the next few months, she told me what her life with him was really like -- he was chronically unemployed, ruined his credit - then proceeded to ruin hers, he had some substance abuse issues, and then the cheating was the last straw. She ended up divorcing him, and it was a long, drawn out and very painful process for her. In less than a minute, I went from viewing his dumping me as a tragic event to seeing it as a major stroke of good luck. I was spared the hell she had to go through. Ever since then, no matter what has happened in my life, I have complete faith that it is for my highest good. And for the first time, I really understood there wasn't anything "wrong" with me at all. When events take place in our lives, we have to remember there is a much, much larger picture that we cannot possibly see. There are no coincidences...at any given time we are exactly where we are supposed to be, and things are unfolding as they should. At any given moment we have the power to choose how we interpret what's going on around us. His dumping me wasn't good or bad in and of itself....the fact that he dumped me just was. It was how I chose to look at it that made it a positive or negative experience. So, I wouldn't necessarily assign a negative meaning to the experiences you've had thus far, nor would I assume it meant you were always going to have bad experience in romance. You have to look at it in a different way...figure there are really good reasons you're not with a particular person, wish them well (even if you fully believe they should be made to die a slow & painful death for doing what they did ), and let it go. If you focus on being a good person--not to impress someone or get them to like you but just for your own peace of mind and personal development, this will, in the long run come back to you. In some teachings, whatever you send out comes back to you three-fold or ten-fold....so if you keep having negative thoughts about yourself and your experiences, you're only creating more bad karma and making yourself miserable in the process. We all have more power over our lives than we've been taught we have. To tap into that power, become aware of it, and learn how to create with it, takes a huge amount of personal responsibility and looking at things in different ways. Like any new skill, there will be a learning curve, but the more you exercise that power, the more adept you will become at using it. Pain is necessary for growth, suffering is optional. ~s2s

The point of dating varies from person to person. Some date to socialize, some date in order to find sexual partners, some date because they don't want to do things alone, and some date with marriage in mind. When I was single and did not want to get married, I still dated. It gave me information I would use later when I was ready to settle down. It gave me something to do. It allowed me to get to know a variety of people. One of the men I dated definitely did not want to get married (still doesn't) but he still dates for companionship and sex. IMO, a lot of problems come up because people don't figure out why they want to date and if they do figure it out, they don't share the reason with those they become involved with. When I felt I was ready to get into a serious relationship leading to marriage, I would bring this up with any potential partner as soon as it was logical to do so. If their reply was "Oh, I don't want to get married", I wouldn't bother wasting any more of their time - or mine, because I knew what my goal was. If I was really attracted to them, it was difficult to drop it, but in the long run it was better than investing a year or more into a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, or bashing my head against a brick wall trying to change their mind. If you're younger (say, under 20) it might be healthiest to look at dating mostly as a way to have fun, learn about other people, learn how to build a healthy relationship and learn about yourself. A lot of people make the mistake of getting married too young...you will go through so many changes in your 20's and early 30's...you can't even begin to imagine. Unless you get lucky and find someone who will grow and change in the same ways you do, or you are both flexible enough to accommodate each others' growth in different ways, what you're looking for in a partner when you're 20 is probably going to change drastically from what you're going to want when you're 30. ~s2s

Well, I guess the first thing you have to figure out is if you like it. If you don't like it, then the two of you aren't compatible in this area, and maybe that's a deal-breaker and maybe it isn't. Only the two of you can decide that. If you do like being on the submissive end of things, then it might be time to look into that lifestyle. Even if you're only looking at it as a way to add spice to your relationship as opposed to being into that lifestyle full time. Couple books you might want to check out..... "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" by Phillip Miller & Molly Devon "SM 101" by Jay Wiseman Both available on line w/sample pages at link removed....where you will also find links to other books on the same topic. I have been in the lifestyle for about 6 yrs. now, married to my master for 2 yrs., and couldn't be happier. ~s2s

Perfectly happy here, but I'm 40 and it took the better part of 30 years to get here I am still learning new things about myself all the time. I don't know that "who I am" is really a static thing...particularly if you are still open to learning and growing. New circumstances and new people can bring out different aspects in us. There are some things that will never change--I will always love horses, but I won't always be a horse owner or a horse rider, for instance. Simple example, I know, but you get the idea. I think if you can look back to a year ago and say you are EXACTLY the same person now that you were then you've pretty much wasted a year where you could've been growing and learning. We all have room for improvement -- learning to love more, be more compassionate, whatever. I think we instinctively know when we are not being true to ourselves...we have vague, bad feelings...we find ourselves over-indulging in alcohol, drugs or other substances to numb out. We don't always have to be happy with ourselves (we all screw up sometimes)...but it's a little easier to be happy with ourselves more often than not if we can learn to accept ourselves....a lot easier when we can go from just accepting ourselves to loving ourselves. ~s2s

Lies of that magnitude are never good. Well, the chances of something good coming from it are so slim as to be non-existant. Not saying one shouldn't have contact with one's ex...just that it shouldn't be going on behind the back of the current partner, y'know? The primary loyalty belongs to the current partner....the ex belongs in the past. As an outside observer who knows only a small piece of the story, my comment is you've got the potential to get drawn into a messy situation. Is that where you want to be? Some people like the drama....I don't get that, but some people do. The choice, as always, is yours....do you go for the drama or opt for a life with less drama and more sanity?

tiki, The only way out is through. This is part of the healing...it's not going to happen overnight when you were together for that long. You'll probably need to: cry, feel sad, write in journal (if you do that), draw, paint, play music or do whatever it is you do to express your emotions...and you'll probably need to do those things for a while. A few months...a year....I can't tell you for sure...your healing time table is uniquely yours and it will take as long as you need it to take. I believe all relationships have a shelf life. People come into our lives for a reason and when those lessons are learned and obligations are fulfilled, they move on or we move on. Sometimes we are the teacher, sometimes we are the student, and sometimes we are both. He was "the one" for you then, but both your lives have changed. I can't even begin to describe the amount of changes you will both go through in the next 4 or 5 years. You are at a tough age for a woman...I would not go back to being in my late teens and early 20's again even if I was offered large sums of money to do so. It gets better as time goes by. You may not believe that now, but just try to have faith that it will. Have you ever had surgery? If you have, then you've experienced the physical healing process....emotional healing is similar...it hurts a lot....then a little less, and a little less until the good memories outweigh the pain. Only difference is with the physical healing process there are visible signs. It will ease with time....and you can't rush the passage of time, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try...time goes by at the same rate for all of us. best of luck to you ~s2s

lostinspace, I'll say it again...you need to decide what YOU want. Do you want her back in a romantic relationship way? Do you just want to be friends with her? Do you want to have a polite but distant relationship? Do you want only to be on her Christmas card list? I don't need to know the answer, but you need to know for yourself. Once you decide what YOU want, you can present that to her and then the ball is in her court. If the two of you don't want the same thing, then it's time to negotiate or move on. You will only make yourself nuts trying to figure out what she wants and what she's thinking, etc. This also gives all your power over to her...and tends to cause things like anger, confusion and sleep deprivation. If that's what you want to do, that's your business. You will have far more control over yourself and emotions if you first focus on what YOU want, then see if getting what you want is possible/feasible. So...what do YOU want? best of luck to you, ~s2s

You could scope it out by having lunch with her. Lunch is a nice, neutral meeting ground and can have a limited time without being rude. (i.e. "I'd love to chat more, but have to get back to work, meet with a client, etc") This would give you f2f contact which will provide you with more info than e-mails or phone calls. Since you were with her for a number of years, you will probably still be able to "read" her. All this assumes that you want to bother finding out more. If your gut feeling is that she is up to something you do not want to be party to, don't go meeting her. Be very busy. Tell her you are seeing someone, but don't offer up details. Your next step really has to be made on the basis of what YOU want, not what she's up to. She may want out of her marriage, or she may be going through a rough time in it, or the kids may be driving her nuts because of the move, or she may be nostalgic for the old days or whatever. There's a ton of reasons she may be contacting you....and some of them have nothing to do with you personally at all. That's why I say you need to focus on what YOU want from any interaction with her...or if you want any interaction with her at all. Of course, you could always just point blank ask her what she wants and be insistant on getting a direct answer. Takes all the game playing coyness out of it and lets everyone know where they stand. Not everyone has the bluntness to do that or handle that and would rather mess around being coy and playing games and wasting a lot of time and energy in the process. If it were me, I'd just get it out in the open and get on with my life. I'd be polite, civil and friendly, but nothing more. best of luck to you, ~s2s

Your boyfriend has a problem, and unless and until he sees it as a problem, there is nothing you can do to make him change his behavior. I lived this nightmare first hand for about a year with a b/f who was addicted to porn videos and sex chat websites. He would turn things around to make me think I was the one with the problem--I wasn't "secure" enough, I was "over-reacting" and on and on. I finally left him with his little chat friends and videos, and was much better for it. While getting over it, I found a "No Porn" website. You will find others who have the same problem as you do and as I did here--they have been through and/or are going through the same thing as you. This link will take you right to the "Partners Forum" board where you will find many other women in a similar situation as yours. link removed Best of luck to you. It's a tough situation to be in, but you can make it through. ~s2s

Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe. I take it the clinic you work for hasn't gone belly up yet? If not, then this is the time to start researching what it would take to go into private practice...if that's what you want to do. Check out the aspects of running your own business (which is what you'll essentially be doing if you go into private practice) and see if that's something you can or would want to do. Talk to others who've set up their own practices, go to a library and see if you can find any books on the topic. I'm sure even a basic "start your own business" book would have some applicable information for you. If opening your own practice is too scary at this point, or something you're not up for right now, then evaluate your other options in working for someone else. There are other clinics, hospitals, urgent care, and perhaps even private practices or partnerships that would be willing to hire you. You have a marketable skill, but unless you let potential employers know you're there and looking, they won't come busting down your door. So maybe it's time to get a resume together and start sending it out. If you're feeling like you don't want to be in the medical profession anymore, perhaps a visit to a career counselor is in order. There are plenty of other areas of work, and probably a few that you're suited for and will enjoy. As for not being married, that's not all bad. I didn't get married til I was 38. I didn't even think being married was a good idea til I hit my mid 30's. When the time is right, it'll happen. Til then remember this little proverb: Better alone than badly accompanied. A change in income is not the end of the world. If you've been living within your means and saving some money, you can ride out just about anything. I work in a rather low-paying profession (by choice because this is what I love to do), and I've managed to make it on as little as $18k/annual. No, I didn't have a bunch of new clothes or drive a new car or have a lot of toys. But you don't need those things to be happy. At one point in my life my budget allowed $20 for 2 weeks worth of groceries. I had a choice--I could freak out about it or make it into a challenge. Freaking out about it didn't help anything....Making it into a "game" did. I ate a lot of on sale, store brand mac & cheese and bean burritos...but I got through it ok. I'm not the brightest crayon in the box by any means, so if I can figure a way to make it work, you can, too. The solution to allieviate depression is to get moving. Easier said than done, I know, but it does work. ~s2s

Did you ever consider that it may have nothing to do with you? She may be thinking about something else entirely, and happen to look your way but not "see" you. This is a common occurrence with me...I'll be thinking of something else and get people asking, "are you mad at me?" or "you look upset" or something like that. The fact of the matter is that my head is in an entirely different place, and I might not even be fully aware of who's in the room. You can never fully know what's going on in someone else's head...for all you know you may remind a woman of an ex she'd like to forget, or her shoes are killing her feet, or she's not feeling well. I wouldn't take it personally. If you think a woman is looking at you and you're getting "hostile" or "disapproving" vibes from her, then don't bother with her. Who needs the hassle? She might have more issues than a newspaper stand and do you really want to deal with that? ~s2s

If you can't stand your own company, how do you expect anyone else to? It is so much easier to find outside distractions (relationships with others) than to work on oneself. However, learning to love and accept onself makes us more able to love and accept others. Learning that we don't need others to get our needs met means we are more likely to get them met. If I go into a relationship knowing that I don't NEED someone, it puts a lot less pressure and expectation on any potential mate. The popular idea about relationships is 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. I believe many of the problems in relationships can be traced back to this basic assumption. In this scenario, you've got two "half people" looking to the other to complete each other. Since neither of them are complete unto themselves, you're already set up for problems. Instead I like the idea that a romantic/soulmate relationship looks more like this: 1 + 1 = 1 + 1 + 1. Where you start with 2 "whole" people who each love and respect themselves, enjoy their own company, and know/trust that they are capable to taking care of themselves and their needs on their own...You put those 2 "whole" people together and they still retain their individual identities, but there is an added dimension when they are together. The sum is greater than the parts. If you look outside yourself to fix something within yourself, it's probably not going to work. Even in therapy, the shrink is only a guide--the client is the one who does the work. If the client doesn't do the work, all the therapy in the world isn't going to result in that person's life improving one bit. The ONLY thing I can change in this world is what's going on in my own skin...but if I can change that, I can accomplish anything. ~s2s

Yup, sure can. Symptoms are going to vary from one female to the next. Me personally, I start getting some mild cramping about a week before anything starts along with a little bloating. I also think the more cycles a girl has gone through, the more she becomes attuned to the subtle changes in her body. So, what I didn't notice or understand prior to, say, my 5th or 6th period I could recognize by the time I've gone through my cycle for several years.

There is SO much more to attraction than physical appearance. If your friend could only see that being a good person is so much more important than being a good-looking person. I agree with the 2nd post...there are issues deeper than burn scars he needs to deal with. I see in your profile you are 21...I assume your friend is close to your age? If that is the case, then please consider this: I am 40 (though it galls me to admit it)...and I can tell you from personal experience that there's a weird sort of tunnel vision that occurs when you're younger. I think it's just due to fewer life experiences. Stuff I thought was a BIG DEAL when I was 16 or 20 or 25 really isn't as important as I thought it was at the time. I have been keeping a journal since I was 12, so I do have a clear reference to that time and can compare it to now. If your friend was involved in a serious accident, he probably needs to talk about what happened and how he feels about it. It would be good for him to see a counselor of some sort (particularly if he's talking about suicide), but if that's not possible, you might be able to help just by listening....REALLY listening to him....not being judgemental about what he expresses, but just letting him know you care and you've heard what he's expressed. Would it be possible/feasible to get his parents or other family to intervene? Just a thought. I know with some people that would not be an option or not be a desirable option. Good luck to you, and don't give up on your friend. ~s2s

By staying involved with a married man you are settling for crumbs. Because he has other obligations you will NEVER come first. You will be expected to subsist on crumbs of his time & attention. You deserve to be with someone who will put you first (as you will do the same for them). Someone who will devote their full time and attention to you. Why settle for crumbs when you are deserving of the whole meal? If you don't believe you deserve the whole meal, then you need to work on yourself before you even THINK of getting involved with anyone. ~s2s

Jennyju- I was just farting around on yahoo chat. He had been browsing yahoo member profiles (not thru yahoo personals, just in the member database), ran accross mine, saw we had some of the same interests and that we lived in the same general area, so he IM'ed me and started a conversation. Have you heard the saying "when the student is ready the teacher appears"? It was a lot like that. In the interim, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself -- creating a full life regardless if there's someone there to share it at the moment, and treating yourself how you would want a significant other to treat you. We attract who and what we are. If you treat yourself with kindness, love and respect, you will attract someone who will treat you that way, too. If you treat yourself like the precious soul you are, you will attract someone who will treat you that way, too. ~s2s

Jennyju - I am 40. The thought of marriage as something desirable didn't even cross my mind til I was 36 or 37. Once I KNEW that was what I wanted, it made evaluating potential dates much easier. I met my now-husband online and we got married when I was 38. Just celebrated our 2 year anniversary a couple days ago. He was definitely worth the wait...and he is 11 years younger than me. If you are truly ready for that kind of commitment and you are clear that marriage is what you want, it will happen. ~s2s