shes2smart

No, it's not. She went to prison for it. Crushes on high school teachers? No. Crushes on college professors? Yuppers. Never did anything about it other than take any and every class he taught. Mostly he taught political philosophy classes. My major was broadcast communications. He didn't start looking at me REALLY funny til I popped up in his Medical Ethics class with all these pre-med and nursing students who HAD to be there. Friends didn't understand what I saw in him...but it wasn't anything you could see. The guy made me THINK...he made me use my brain and that "brain-stretching" feeling was/is highly attractive to me.

Nice (?) to know high school hasn't changed, even though I haven't been there for 22 years (oy.). I had something similar happen to me in my junior year...only the boy was from another school and still word got back to my school. I know this is not going to be easy, but try not to let it bother you. The sooner you can get yourself to a point where you really don't care what other people think about you, the better off you're going to be. In addition, it will no longer be "fun" for them to torment you if they're not getting a reaction from you at all. At the end of the day, the only person's approval you need is your own. Ok, so you made a couple of mistakes...no big deal, really...you didn't know any better. We all have done things that later on we wish we hadn't done. Forgive yourself, move on, and realize that people are going to think what they're going to think and if they want to believe lies, gossip & rumors instead of the truth, you have no control over that. Real friends will stand by you, believe you, and not gossip behind your back. I have now been to 2 high school reunions...you will just have to trust me on this. Some of these people grow up and severely regret their bad behavior. They start developing some compassion or life knocks them around a bit or they have kids of their own and start to realize what evil little heathen brats they were as teens, and they feel incredibly bad about it. I couldn't help thinking, "good. it serves you right". Just know they will (most likely) have that moment of realization as they get older. It's hard to see now, but hang on to the lessons you've learned from this -- what gossip and rumors can do to people, what meanness can do. So, cry and scream and be angry if you need to, but also know all this is only temporary. It's crap when you're going through it, but it doesn't last forever. They will eventually find some other target to pick on (they always do), and leave you alone.

You're very welcome...does it go without saying that I have a desire to be of service? No apology necessary, no offense was taken. I understand how the lifestyle is perceived, and can see how people get to those conclusions. As long as no one tries to "rescue" me, it's cool. 8) I wish you well, ~s2s

If he is drawn to the bdsm lifestyle (and it appears he is) a "normal" (or vanilla) sex life is not going to be satisfying in the long run. If you are not into kink, then doing any of those things is not going to be satisfying to you. He cannot shut off his desire for bdsm any more than you can turn on a desire for it. I have been involved in the bdsm lifestyle since 1998, quite a bit of it involved with various support/educational/social groups. I have seen this scenario a lot: a kink person hooks up with and/or marries a vanilla person and in the long run, it just doesn't work. While you may not understand the allure of the lifestyle, once I discovered there was a name for all those thoughts & desires I had, there was no going back to what most people consider normal. There are some people, primarily men, who use an interest in the lifestyle as an excuse to cheat on a significant other or find multiple partners. We are not all like that, however. There are a lot of misconceptions about bdsm in general and those who participate in it -- such as your supposition about submissive women having low self-esteem. But that's a different discussion for a different time, I just wanted to establish to you that I do have some background relevant to your situation. Now, let's get back to you. First of all, you did the right thing by kicking him out. One of the things we hear preached over & over at lifestyle gatherings is how trust, communication and honesty are essential elements of a bdsm relationship. Actually, those are key to any good relationship. He has violated your trust (multiple times in this area according to your post), failed to communicate and been less than honest. To me, that's grounds for ending a relationship immediately. You will have to have contact with him to work out details with what you are going to do about the house. If you cannot afford the house on your own, I guess you're going to have to sell it. If you are both on the deed, you are better off doing this so you're not stuck owning property with someone you'd rather not deal with at all. This will all be a pain in the butt, however it's better you take care of it now than go into debt trying to pay for a house you can't afford that isn't legally 100% yours. As for figuring out the infidelity, well, that's a tougher one. There are a ton of reasons as to why people cheat even if you take all the kink elements out. Basically, when some people feel their relationship needs aren't getting met, they deal with it by cheating. In the instances you have related, all the cheating has been with women he's met on bdsm websites. If he was just interested in picking up sex partners, there are plenty of other places to do that, but he gravitated toward bdsm sites. This tells me that he really desires a kink relationship, but for some reason, won't admit that to himself or potential partners. You can probably bet none of those women he was involved with knew about you at all -- or they were told you were vanilla and it was "ok with you" (seen that plenty of times before) or you were vanilla and he played on their sympathy. I have known several people in the lifestyle who are of mixed feelings about it. You'll see them around for a while, then they disappear for a while. When they come back they'll talk about how they tried to go "vanilla" and it wasn't doing it for them, but they still have a lot of hang-ups about being kink, and have a desire to stay in the closet about it. It's very difficult to be involved with someone like that in either a kink or vanilla sense, and I used to avoid people like that like the plague when I was single. I'm thinkin' he might be one of those....he has the desires, but also a lot of psychological hang-ups about it. Frankly, what folks like that need to do is go off by themselves and sort it out before messing up anyone else's life with their indecision. As for the things he's told you about being satisfied and loving you...it's quite possible you are all the things he wants with the exception of the bdsm. He may have talked himself into believing that he could live without it, particularly if he was attracted to you on so many other levels. I liken being kink to being gay...if you're kink, that's where your sexuality is...you can try to ignore it, but the desires are still there, and they don't go away. Most of the kink people you talk to will say they've had bdsm-based fantasies from as far back as they could remember. I know I have, even though I had no idea what it was called or that people actually, y'know, did this for real. True story: I didn't understand why that episode of "Josie and the Pu,ssycats" that had the girls trapped in a dungeon was so fascinating to me when I was 9 or 10....but I sure figured it out when I was 34. You may never fully understand the infidelity, but you don't need to in order to go on with your life. The infidelity is his issue, you just happened to be an innocent bystander that got hit. You may have been compatible with this man on many other levels, but not in regards to his desire for bdsm. He was not honest with you about that from day one...if he was, you would've been spared all this. At the same time, he has not been honest with himself about it, so how could he be honest with you? That's not an excuse for his behavior, but you might want to point that out to him so he doesn't wreck someone else's life on down the line. As a side note, depending on how intimately involved he got with those women he cheated with (I'm sorry...I'm not clear if it was online only or progressed to real-time encounters), you may want to ask him if he practiced SSC (safe, sane, consentual) or RACK (risk-aware, consentual kink). You have a right to know for your own health issues...well, that and throwing around the lifestyle terminology might mess with his head a little...sorry, we kinksters like to do that sometimes. You have a tough road ahead of you. Believe me I know...the first kink relationship I had was with someone similar...he had come to terms with his bdsm desires, however he wasn't honest about his stand on monogamy. He found his conquests the same way...and I wouldn't be surprised if it was the same site your ex was using. I didn't stick around for his online flings to progress to real time encounters. best of luck to you, ~s2s

Wow. Doesn't she have any of her own interests or own friends she would like to spend time with? She needs to have a life outside of the relationship with you. It seems like a bit much to me, but I've always been very independent and a bit of a loner, anyway. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you're attached at the hip. I can understand her wanting to spend time with you, but when it starts being a demand on her part and feels like an obligation on your part, something's not quite right. You may be a couple, but that does not make you some sort of two-headed being. The best relationships are formed by two whole, complete people who are, together, greater than the sum of their parts -- but are each still whole, complete people in their own right. Unfortunately, we've been sold on the idea of "our other half".... a half-person plus a half-person to make a couple is not healthy for either partner. I saw it illustrated in a book called "Singling" years ago. ("Singling" -- as in a guide on how to be happily single) Popular culture/romantic notions of a relationship looks like this: 1/2 + 1/2 = 1 A friendship with someone (same sex or opposite sex) looks like this: 1 + 1 = 1 + 1 A healthy love relationship looks like this: 1 + 1 = 1+ 1 + 1 - you're both still separate, but together there's an added dimension...neither of you loses the essense of yourself to be with the other. It's not selfish to want some time to yourself or to want to maintain relationships with your friends. My thought on friends is this: they were there before the love interest was around, and they'll still be there if the love interest leaves....they deserve some of my time and attention. Does that mean go hang with them every night? No. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do anyway. I'm guessing all you want here is a little time to yourself to just be alone, and an ocaisional night out with your buddies, right? Not much to ask, and a healthy relationship is flexible enough to accommodate that for both partners. There are multiple reasons she could be pouting and giving you crap over this. You might need to do some investigation and figure out what the real reason is. Just a few examples: she'll be bored if you're not around (in some cases, one party has an expectation that the other party will fill their time and entertain them), she's afraid you might meet someone else and fool around, she's insecure and wants that daily reassurance from you. Your response will need to address the real reason, otherwise it will continue to be an issue. best of luck to you, ~s2s[/b]

Because that's what we're sold. Like you, I am also in a ridiculously happy and functional relationship. However, I have also been involved in some really messed-up relationships. Like, oh, lessee...how about the verbally and potentially physically abusive alcoholic who I went back & forth with for the better part of 4 years. (He never hit me, but I had a few holes put in the walls by his fists during that time) Take a critical look at the things that surround you -- popular song lyrics, movies, TV show -- and see how "true love" is portrayed. If someone doesn't have a healthy relationship modeled for them somewhere in their life in their formative years, they're gonna think high drama is normal. How many of us were lucky enough to grow up in a setting where our parents...or some other close relatives or family friends modeled a healthy relationship? I know I didn't. There are a couple things at work here, summed up below: It starts with fairy tales at a young age. I was quite the fan of Cinderella. For a long time I approached relationships with this underlying, unchallenged assumption/fantasy that some guy would come along and "save" me, and that would make everything fine and we'd ride off into the sunset together for the "happy ending" that all those stories promised. It takes a lot of introspection to get to the bottom of what you believe and why you believe it. Introspection is not something that's high on the list of "Things That Are Encouraged And Rewarded" in this (American) culture. It's not up there with say, looking a certain way or having the right cell phone. Most of us don't learn how to comfortably be with ourselves. How many people do you know/have you heard of who won't ever do things alone like go to the movies or eat at a restaurant? It's not the end of the world if we do stuff alone...that is the only way we learn how to be with ourselves. After all, if you cannot stand your own company, how do you expect anyone else to? Good relationships start with the relationship you have with yourself. If you have little self-respect and poor self-esteem, you will allow other people to treat you badly because you treat yourself that way. If you have little self-respect and poor self-esteem, you will relate to others in odd ways....alternately thinking you're somehow not good enough for them, but getting pissed off when you don't get treated very well. Throw in a dash of sexual chemistry, and there's your recipe for disaster. I didn't see a turn-around in my own life and relationships until I worked on the relationship I had with myself. The last 10-15 years, the underlying theme of many things going on in my life has been learning how to not let others treat me badly. Not just romantically, but with my own family and with a former employer. People will treat you as badly as you let them...and what you allow depends on how much you value yourself--determined by the relationship you have with yourself. How many times have you heard people talk about the concept of "THE ONE" in terms of relationships? This concept alone can cause so much unnecessary misery. It makes people do some very stupid things...like staying in a bad relationship because they convince themselves that this is THE ONE (yup. I'm guilty.)....or picking up and moving their entire life 50 miles away from work because this could be THE ONE (guilty...but in my defense, I didn't quit my job)...or putting up with his cheating because this could be THE ONE (guilty, but not for long). You get the picture. Abolishing the concept of THE ONE from my head one of my smarter moves. There is no such thing as THE ONE...people will come into your life...some will be there to teach you lessons, some will be there to learn from you, some will be both teacher and student. Of these people you will become intimately involved with some. But all of these relationships have a shelf life...there will come a point where all the things you need to learn from each other have been covered. When that time comes, you can either say goodbye gracefully or you can fight it tooth and nail. Which will also give you a whole slew of lessons, but they tend to be of the "so...you just HAD to throw your entire body against the stove to find out if it was hot and you now have 3rd degree burns" variety...not recommended...avoid if possible. Yes, I have to admit that sometimes I read posts on here for the "train wreck" factor. But in almost every case, the person posting has the power to change their situation by first changing the way they look at it, and secondly changing their actions to bring them in line with their new way of thinking. The world around you - particularly the advertising we are innundated with - would have you believe that the power to change your life is something outside of you. They are wrong. It is where it has always been -- inside your own thoughts, under your own control. We create our own reality....most people don't want that kind of responsibility. My, what a long, rambling diatribe...written just as much (and possibly more...) for myself as for anyone reading this far. I'd like to thank me for pontificating on several far-flung concepts this morning and most likely boring the crap out of anyone reading this far, although I generally find me rather amusing.

No, what I said was I cannot control how anyone else interprets my words. I do not think in anyone else's head but my own. I could spend hours sugar-coating my words, and still someone, somewhere would find offense. By getting hung up in trying to figure out how everyone else is going take everything I say, I remove any traces of personality from it at all. Kinda like the ultimate form of PC. You disagree with my observation, and it is your absolute right to do so. I'd hazard a guess we've encountered very different women in our lifetimes. My observation is based on my experience - the only thing it can be based on, which is no less valid than your experience. If you have not experienced the things I've spoken of, then I am quite happy for you and your circle of friends...I wouldn't wish some of the crap I've lived through on anyone. As the quote below says "misery is optional" if you choose to feel offended, insulted or angry about something you've run accross on a message board, that is your choice...but understand that you can also choose to approach it differently. The bottom line here is no matter how many posts we exchange, I doubt we will see eye to eye. People either get each other or they don't, and that's fine. Despite what you appear to believe, it was not a personal attack. How could it be? I don't know you. I am sorry you took it that way...there was no need for you to do so. It is true that I can't stand the company of most (not all) females I have met for the reasons I stated, just as your experiences are true for you. I wish you well.

I cannot control how you - or anyone else - chooses to interpret my words. If you - or anyone else - opts to be offended, irritated or whatever, that is your choice. You can also choose to believe I am a completely horrid person who cheats on their taxes, drives over the speed limit and doesn't recycle. Either way it makes no difference to me. I know I had no intent to harm, offend, irritate, anger, depress or otherwise injure anyone. If you are feeling any of those things, that was a choice you made. The good news is you can un-make it at any time. Have a pleasant evening, I intend to the same.

Not meant as an insult, just a statement of my perception. No need to take it personally.

you and every other guy... To the person who started this thread: I'd concur with others who've said the changes you've noticed are most likely the result of growing up. You are likely to see more changes in that area if you ever have children, and as you go through menopause. If you are really concerned about it, a visit to the gynecologist should put your mind at ease. You should be going for an annual Pap smear anyway. I would think if your doc saw anything out of the ordinary, he/she would say something and/or send you for tests, even if you didn't specifically bring it up.

Unless you have a burning desire to become male, or feel you are really male trapped in a female body, and wish to undergo surgery to make your outsides reflect your insides, you are not transgenered. I, too, can't stand the company of most females. I find them frivolus, catty, simpering......you get the picture. I've always had more male friends and been one of the boys. Quick question for ya...did you perhaps grow up with all brothers? Closer to your dad than your mom? You don't appear to be questioning your sexual orientation as you stated you're straight. I wouldn't worry about it. Just figure it's one of those quirks that makes you "you." As for parties, if you're more comfortable hanging with the guys and talking sports, I'd go ahead and do that. If anyone wants to comment on it, screw 'em...it's none of their business. You are who you are.

Guess that depends on the state/country you're in. There is really no one answer for this, as everyone is different. I wasn't ready to make a marriage commitment til I was 37. In my late teens and up to my mid-20's I was too focused on building a career. In my mid-20's through mid 30's, I was too focused on developing as a person. During that time, I had various boyfriends, I was faithful to them, I loved them and the relationships were important to me. If I am being brutally honest though, the relationships I had prior to my mid-30's were not my first priority. Second priorty, yeah...ok...ocaisionally first...but more often than not, definitely second. If you're determined to date younger, this is the risk you're going to take. Most 20 or 21 year olds are just starting to learn who they are, what they want to do in life, what things are important to them. Most of them are going to want to explore their options in all areas of life, including romatically. I can't tell from your post if you are looking to get married, looking for a long term relationship, looking for an exclusive dating relationship or what. You may be expecting a level of maturity that many young women do not yet have.

Then this is what you need to do. Living alone will provide you so many experiences that you cannot get any other way. Once you realize - through experience - that you can provide for yourself, take care of yourself, and be fine by yourself, it will change how you approach relationships for the better. I loved living alone and being single. IMO, it's an experience everyone should have...it tends to make one more self-sufficient. I have also lived with several boyfriends. I'd caution you against that if only for the fact that, chances are very good that you will wind up doing most of the grunt work -- cleaning, cooking, laundry -- with none of the advantages of being married. I never minded cleaning up after myself, but it irritated me to have to clean up after someone else who was perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself but simply chose not to. It made me feel like his mommy.....and that is SO not sexy. If you are unable to afford living alone right now, and your primary goal is to ease the financial burden, you are better off finding a female roommate instead of having your boyfriend be your bf AND roommate.

Been there, done that. I was single til I was 38. One particularly difficult Christmas when I was in my early 30's, I swore up and down the next relative who asked when I was getting married or some similar question was going to get the following reply, designed to stop the conversation cold and get the message accross that it wasn't any of their business: "Oh, yes, I've met someone very special...I'm sure you'll like HER." The next person to ask me THE QUESTION was my 85 year old grandmother. I bit my tongue and mumbled something about being focused on my career. She wasn't in the best of health, and I didn't want to be the one to push her over the edge. Get a good non-answer like that ready, and just stick to it. "I'm concentrating on school/work right now." Most people will be smart enough to drop it if they keep getting non-answers like that. If they insist on bugging you about it, just be honest and say it's a topic you'd rather not discuss. It's really none of their business what you choose to do with your life. I guess you could also answer their question with a question...."Well, I haven't met the right person....you wouldn't want me to get married/be with the wrong person would you?" Most people buy into that right person/wrong person stuff so that could work, too. I mean, there's really only one good answer for that question, isn't there? Just stay true to yourself no matter how difficult it gets. In the end, you'll be glad you did.

Advice? Cut him loose...for real this time. He's made his choice, and I think it's pretty clear to you what that is already. Everybody has different priorities...and his actions are what you need to listen to here...not his words. It might've been easier for you if he'd been direct enough to tell you he'd rather spend time with his band mates, but it would appear he's not going to deal with it directly. For the most part, guys do not like confrontation about relationship issues and will do their damnedest to avoid confrontation. A lot of them would rather tell us whatever it is they think we want to hear and then go ahead and do whatever they want to anyway. Don't take it personally...it probably has very little to do with anything you did/didn't do. The two of you apparently just have differing interests. Let him go his own way, you go yours. And when you're ready to get involved with someone else, just make sure the two of you have similar ideas as to how much time together is appropriate, and have similar relationship goals. You will only irritate yourself if you get sucked into a cycle of trying to change him. You will wind up acting like a nagging shrew and neither of you will be happy with that. He won't stand up and make the decision, so do it yourself. No need to bash him over the head with it. I understand you're upset but venting that to him at this point won't make a difference. It may even be what he's looking for, who knows? Nope...I'd just quit seeking out his company and if he tried to contact me I'd be polite and civil but distant and very busy. There are other guys out there who will put in the time and attention you seek in a relationship. Let this one go....his head and heart are in a different place. best of luck to you ~s2s

Good. This shows you're willing to change what you're doing to get some different results. I'd recommend taking some time and giving some serious thought as to what you are looking for at this point in your life. Do you want to get married? Would you rather just live with someone? Or do you want just a serious, long-term relationship? Create it in your mind in as much detail as possible....write it down if that helps you visualize it. Once you know what you're looking for, it'll be easier to evaluate potential partners. As you go about your life meeting people, inevitably, the discussion of "what are you looking for" comes up. If your date's answer isn't on the same page as yours or if your date has no answer for that question, they just put themselves out of contention. If you're looking to (eventually) get married, and you're on a date with someone who just wants to get laid tonight....well, I'd develop a headache after dinner, if you catch my drift. Yeah, it's brutal. But it works. When I was 37 and knew I wanted to be in a marriage, that's how I approached the dating scene. A number of people told me I was "wrong" for taking this approach, but I saw absolutely no reason to waste my time with someone who didn't have the same relationship goal as I did. I knew what I wanted, if I met someone who had the same goal, it was worth my time to investigate further. If they didn't have the same relationship goal, it was a waste of my time and theirs to allow things to progress. Within a few months of adopting this approach, I met the man I would marry. I met him online. We chatted online and on the phone for a few weeks, then went on a date. (Which was on 9/30/01) He proposed a week after that. This relationship is like nothing I've experienced before...all the thing people say they want, we have and I'm very well aware how lucky I am to be here. My girlfriends want to clone him. Going into this relationship we both had a good idea of what we wanted. I think that's a big part of why it's worked so well. So, if you decide to approach your love life this way be prepared for a couple of things: 1. Be prepared for a lot of people to tell you you're going about things all wrong, that you're excluding people, etc. 2. Be prepared to get exactly what you want best of luck to you ~s2s

Absolutely. It seems like most of the people posting on the site are younger than 25, and 40 or more seems like ancient and a looong ways away. As you get older, and if you're observant, you're gonna learn things like what's really important in life (hint: it's not how you look, or how much stuff you have) and you're gonna learn to care less about what other people think of you....one day, if you keep at it, you'll realize the only person's respect and love you absolutely need to have is your own. Anybody else's is just icing on the cake.....and anybody else's negative opinion of you isn't worth anything. If anything, my life's gotten easier the older I've gotten -- more self-confidence, more self-acceptance, ability to earn a higher income because of more experience.....what's not to love about being 40? And, yeah, you DO also learn a thing or two about being better in bed along the way, too.

Let this be a lesson to those of you ladies who are not married. Marry a younger guy. My husband is 11 years younger than I am. I'm quite content, thank you. And to answer your question, yes it's perfectly normal. avman has it right...women peak in their 30's, men in their late teens....and it is a cruel, cruel joke.

You've got both parts of it right there. Appearing sexually easy is never good -- unless sex is ALL you're looking for in which case, go for it. Although after reading some of the posts here, I'd throw this caution in: If you don't understand how your body's reproductive system & the reproductive system of the opposite sex works, and you're not mature, self-respecting, or disciplined enough to use birth control and practice safer sex you shouldn't be having sex, period. It's like playing with a loaded gun when you've had no training in firearms safety. Secondly, does anyone really want to become involved with someone who is too available -- i.e. seems to have no life what so ever? Think about it a minute -- someone with no hobbies, no interests, no other friends, their only goal is to "find someone"....boring at best, clingy psycho-stalker waiting to happen at worst. Really, the whole boy-girl thing works better if we focus on self-improvement first -- developing a variety of interests, becoming a decent human being, practicing honesty in all areas of our lives. We attract who we are....so if we are psychological train wreck, guess who we're going to attract. Any time you invest in your own development as a person is NEVER wasted, and will eventually lead you to and/or attract similarly healthy, functional individuals. If you're in a bitter man/woman-hatin' phase...say after a nasty break-up, it doesn't matter how great a person you meet at that point--you will find something "wrong" with them because of where your own mind is at. I lived through about a year's worth of bitter, man-hating mind set....nothing with a penis could do anything right in my eyes during that year. It wasn't until I turned my focus inward -- and dealt with my own crap -- that I was able to extend any sort of compassion or decency to others. Enough rambling....my lunch hour's about up.

Well, in theory the woman making the first move sounds good. It sounds fair. It sounds like something that should be just fine for a society that professes to believe in equality of the sexes. In my experience, it's not a good idea. Of the relationships I have had, those that I initiated were not as good as the ones that the guy initiated. Perhaps that has to do with the type of relationship I was ultimately seeking, or the type of men I was choosing (as opposed to the men who chose me). About 8 to 10 years ago, this book called "The Rules" was published. For the most part, I STRONGLY disagreed with it. It advocated a lot of things I saw as game playing and that's just not my style. However, I was able to take away 2 very useful points from it. 1. The rule of "NEXT!" If a man is not treating you well at the beginning of a relationship, move on to the next one. How you start is how it will continue. So, if he's saying he'll call and doesn't or is not really listening to you at the beginning, it won't get better with time. If, God forbid, he is being emotionally or physically abusive at the beginning, that definitely won't get better with time. I cannot even begin to tell you how much time that one rule saved me. 2. Let him do the pursuing. You just concentrate on living a full life. If you're interested, by all means, indicate that clearly...but leave the first move and the pursuing to him. I've noticed a huge difference in the way men treat a woman they perceive as a "prize" as to one who is easily available. I've been on both extremes of that spectrum and all points in between. It's MUCH better to be treated as the "prize" to be won, rather than being treated as the one who's easily available.

It makes no sense to you because you are trying to distill several women's answers into a "one size fits all" theory. It won't work. We are all (men and women alike) individuals with our own likes/dislikes/preferences, and those all make sense in the context of who each of us is and what stage of life we're at. What I liked and looked for in a partner (when I was single) is different than what the other women who posted to this thread are looking for. Also, look at the ages of the posters -- we are all in different stages of life and thereforeeee looking for different things. At 40, I can still see the allure of the bad boy, but I have already been on that roller coaster and know the ride crashes. I quit bothering with that type in my mid- to late-20's. Y'all would have much more peace of mind if you stopped trying to "figure out women" and just concentrated on the particular person you were interested in -- with no comparsions and no assumptions that because Ms. X was one way that means Ms. Z is going to be that way too. Because of the particular lifestyle choices I have made and preferences I have, I chose a guy who can come accross as being a bit arrogant. A high degree of confidence in oneself can come accross as arrogance to some people. He's not a jerk, and he treats me quite well. However, he's also strong enough and secure enough in himself that he will not be ordered around. If I ask him - politely and respectfully - to do something, he usually will, but if he really doesn't want to he'll speak up about it, too. In theory, a 50/50 power split in a relationship sounds like a good idea. In actuality, it is very, very difficult - if not impossible - to maintain. Unless you both like a constant power stuggle and bickering, someone has to have a 51% share of the control in the relationship. Someone has to have the final vote. That person needs to be strong enough to take that role and at the same time be selfless enough to put the good of "the couple" ahead of their own wants, AND put the wants of the other person on a par with their own. A wimpy guy isn't gonna have enough (insert anatomical reference here) to do that nor can he be made over to do that. I tried it. It just turned me into a complete shrew....not pleasant for either of us. The person with the 49% share has to have enough trust in the other person to go along with their decision, even if it isn't exactly what they think should be done. Again, that needs to be someone who is going to put the good of "the couple" ahead of their own individual wants. That person also needs to be direct enough to voice their wants/opinions and not leave the 51% parter guessing as to what those are. The 70's feminists did a lot of good for women, but they also screwed some things up. This, IMO, was one of them. Women got this idea that they should do it all -- work, family --whether they wanted to or not, and men just didn't know what to do anymore. We were told we didn't need a man to take care of us --that we shouldn't want that, and we were somehow wrong if we did. I grew up in that era, and I can clearly see the echoes of it in everyone my age and younger. Those of you under, say, 25 or 30 perhaps don't have the history to put your confusion in context. So while I don't NEED a man to take care of me, I prefer being in a relationship where he has the 51% share. This takes a very special sort of guy who just happens to have some superficial things in common with bad boys and jerks. At heart, he's one of the nice guys....but with more confidence in himself and some attitude.

Yes, you either need to stop it or make it clear to her that you want nothing more than friendship. This may be difficult/painful in the short term, but will be kinder in the long run....particularly if you already know it cannot progress on your part. We all value different things and find different things attractive. This is the way it is. If we could all learn to accept that and not take things so personally, you wouldn't have to phrase your question as if it was an apology for not being attracted to a particular body type. What is, is what is. If you're not physically attracted to her, then you need to be honest about that....just be kind about it.

Speaking as a female who was attracted to a series of jerks and bad boys, it's all about control. I think it's fairly common that a woman doesn't want a man she can control. I hated guys like that...they struck me as weak and wimpy. The jerks and bad boys are not controllable, and there is always some drama going on. She can fool herself into thinking that sort of high drama is "true love" just because of the intensity and the feeling of not being able to control him. God knows I did it a time or two. There was a post on the board a while back...I don't remember what category or who made it...but the poster (male) was replying to a question put up by another guy. The gist of the post was advising the question-asker to be a MAN, not a wimp. While I disagreed with some of the poster's points....I do agree with the sentiment of being a man and not a wimp. It wasn't until later in life I learned the jerks and bad boys are just that, and a real man - a gentleman, if you will - was one who would treat me well, but at the same time not be controlled. It's a fine line to walk, but for the guys that can do it.....well, you won't be lacking for female company.

Well, you know what they say...the grass is greener on the other side, but there's still poop in the yard.

This is very true. The first time I was chatting with a particular guy, he kept typing things that made me think "what an arrogant little twit." I ended up marrying him less than a year later.