nanann

i am in love with a married man too and i know how it feels to know that the woman they are with is taking your place. To know, in your heart, that you are the one he is supposed to be with. That's how we don't feel guilty for the other women because we feel she isn't even the one for him anyway. But the thing is that if HE knew that too, he'd be gone. He can't be staying for the kids because he's with you instead of being with them! If he doesn't realize that you are too special to be playing second fiddle, he's not worth it. Let him be with his kids, where he should be. He will obviously end up hurting his kids someday but at least you won't have played a part in it. You'll feel much better about yourself doing this than the happiness he brings to your life. Believe me, i know. Good luck!

A few weeks ago, I posted asking you to tell me if i should cheat. I am having difficulties in my relationship with my husband (but who isn't?) and for many years I have had very strong feelings for a male friend of mine who used to be my boss. We had never physically cheated but have been emotionnally cheating on our spouses for years. Neither one of us wants to hurt them (especially me since I have 2 daughters) and that's why we hardly ever see each other (to resist temptation). Lately, I had been wondering if the guilt associated with cheating would maybe make me feel mmore inclined to accept my husband's faults and if maybe, having gotten it out of my system, the feelings I have for the other man would fade. You all advised me to stop talking to him and deal with or end my marriage if i was unhappy. You all said cheating was not a solution and deep down i knew I'd probably never cheat physically because all i would see in my mind was my little girls' faces but I never thought I would have the courage to quit the emotional cheating too. I did though because of your advice and I'd like to tell everyone out there who is involved with a married man or cheating or thinking about it that it is possible to quit a relationship that you know is bad for you and that doing it will make you feel better about yourself than the relationship ever did! I know a lot of people are thinking that their situation is not the same but let me tell you that if such a thing as soul mates exists, I'm pretty sure this man is mine. I love everything about him (except the fact that he has a wife), his smell, his sense of humor, his integrity (he never allowed things to get physical out of respect for my husband and kids), his sense of humor, etc.etc. He knows what i'm thinking all the time, he completes my sentences, just happens to call whenever i really need a friend. We like the same things and think the same thoughts. I often wished i had met him before getting married but he was already married when i was 11 and life is that way. But then again...i wouldn't have my wonderful daughters if i had married him. I thought i'd never be able to stop talking to him because he was my emotional support when i needed it. I told him that him being in my life was always making me compare my husband to him and thereforeeee hurting my family and our future. Naturally, he understood and accepted tearfully to say goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and i'm crying as i write this but i know, in my heart, I did th right thing. Not to take my sadness out on my husband, I told him everything only to find out he already knew and that it was breaking his heart but he was afraid that calling me on it would push me right into his arms. With my husband's help, i am already (2 weeks later) getting over the other man. Time DOES heal all wounds and out of sight, out of mind does really work. But will my husband ever truly trust me or my love for him again? Maybe not. I have already done so much damage but it wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to meet someone so perfect for me. It just happened. I shouldn't have let it happen maybe. It's hard to say. The moral of this story is that my kids don't deserve to pay for my mistakes and choosing to invest in my family is the best thing i could have done. Who knows? Maybe my relationship with my husband can become as good as the other one. We already have these great kids in ours! I hope i can inspire others as your advice inspired me. Thanks. And don't be so sure your secrets will not be found out because mine were and it could have cost me my marriage and cost my kids their happiness! I just hope that when the going gets tough, I don't call him back. It's really hard but I'll do my best and i hope other women involved with married men will lose them too because the only real happiness seems to come from knowing you are doing the right thing![/url]

thanks muneca. you have been very helpful. deep down, i know what you say is true but keep thinking "what if?". You only live once you know and it feels so much like he is the one for me. Also, it's easy to believe what you want to hear. You have told me what i don't want to hear but it's what i SHOULD be listening to. Thanks so much. What you said about my husband is also true. He is not abusive and does not hurt anyone with his drinking except that i'm afraid it will get worse as time goes by.

you know what? i'm not even THAT unhappy. i think i'm just being greedy and selfish and obviously, too much of a romantic. Maybe true love doesn't even exist. To answer the previous person's question, my parents are divorced, my mom has been married three times, my father cheated, my husband's parents are divorced and his father cheated. The main problem in my marriage is my husband's drinking. My father was an alcoholic and i vowed to never be with one again. he isn't as bad but he HAS TO have his 7 or 8 beers every friday and saturday and will not skip them no matter what, whether i ask him to or not. I'm afraid he will become like my father and he says that is unreasonable. this other man is 10 years older than i am and maybe he is a "father figure" for me and i just thin i love him. I'm very confused. My husband would never want to go for counselling by the way.

you have totally convinced me not to cheat physically but the emotional cheating has already been done and cannot be undone whether he is in my life or not. i thank you all for every word you wrote. I will remember your words everytime i have doubts and i can assure you i won't even see him to make sure nothing happens. I'm just afraid that ending my relationship with him will be bad. What if he is my "soul mate"? What if my kids would be better off if i was with someone who makes me happy and understands me ?

can anyone say they left a current relationship for one they thought would be better and actually did find that the grass was greener on the other side?

has anyone ever cheated and found that it helped their relationship?

thank you for all you've said. i know i seem like a selfish person but it's hard to be doing everything for others all the time. i quit my job because i was working with the other man, opened a daycare at home to be with the kids and now that's all i do. I'm always here. i guess my life lacks excitement and on top of that, my husband seems so unappreciative of what i do and after a while, logically, you take each other for granted so it's easy to think about being with someone who would appreciate you and being something other than MOM. If I think about doing this, it truly is because i think it would be easier to accept my husband's faults (drinking etc (don't worry-never in front of the kids)) if i wasn't always so good. i know it may be warped thinking. It's hard to cut this other person out of my life because i care so much for him and me talking to him on the phone is not hurting the kids but often gets me through tough times since my husband often doesn't listen.

I am 33, have 2 small children and have been married for 8 years (in couple for 15). While I do love my husband, I have discovered 7 years ago that I am in love with another man. We have been friends for 7 years as he is married too and we have done nothing other than talking. However, I think about him all the time and we both feel, in a way, that we are wasting our lives being apart. I am quite certain that his feelings are genuine too because we came close to being unfaithful once before and he refused because he said it would hurt ME (he has no children). I want to stay married for my children and for their emotional and financial stability and I sometimes feel like my guilt over the infidelity might help me through the rough times in my marriage. What should I do?