shes2smart

A couple of things to keep in mind as she brings up that her grandparents got married at 18: 1. People did not have the variety of options for their lives as they do now. This was particularly the case with women, but it's true to some degree for men of previous generations as well. People got married and had kids whether they wanted to or not because that's what you did. 2. Lifespans were shorter. Even as little as a generation or two ago, "til death do us part" at age 18 could end up being 10 or more years less than it would be today. It's really comparing apples to oranges. From a realistic, logical standpoint, waiting until you've completed your education and gotten somewhat established in a career makes sense. It's not romantic or fun to start a family if you can't even afford to keep yourself housed, clothed and fed.

I would love to do that more often. I already put some severe limits on TV watching/news watching, but since I work in the media it's a little difficult to cut it out completely. But when I'm on vacation...there's no TV, no computer, no phone, no newspaper, no nothin'. And it's freakin' wonderful.

A week after our first date...which occurred after 3-4 weeks chatting online and on the phone. We were married less than a year after we first met. (...and I wasn't preggo or nothin' ) Got married in 2002. Best decision either of us has ever made. However, I'll be the first to admit that we're probaby the exception with that kinda timing and not the rule.

Well...the first thing that leaps to my mind with what you've said is that he's married and the wife has no clue he's carrying on conversations & whatnot with other gals online. At the very least, I'd be mighty suspicious that something isn't exactly as he's portraying it to you. He's acting like he's got something to hide (or more precisely, that he's trying to keep you hidden.)

If she already knows your buddy and/or his date, I think it would be ok. Might even take some of those "first-date" jitters away, since there'd be some other friendly faces there and other people to help keep conversation flowing. If she doesn't know either your buddy or his date, I'd pass on the idea until you've gone out with her a few times. Going out with 3 people you don't know very well can be a daunting prospect for most people. (Some very social types might like it, I guess...) Wait until you've got some sort of relationship established with her before your spring your friends on her.

If you have a physical wound you want to heal you don't keep picking at it and pulling off the scab. That just makes it bleed and be prone to infection. Same with an emotional wound. NC gives your heart a chance to mend so that if/when you run into your ex (by choice or by chance) it's not like pulling off the scab. Once you're healed, then you're in a better place to evaluate if a friendship is a good idea or not. I'm friends with one ex. That relationship ended because we grew apart. We started dating in our late teens, broke up in our late 20's. It was an amicable a parting as a break-up can be. The rest of my exes...I wish them well, I hope they are happy...but I don't feel any need to have any contact with a man who cheated on me or a man who was a raging alcoholic who was verbally abusive...even though I loved both of them at one point in my life. I sleep just fine at night. So being at peace with those choices isn't an issue.

It depends on how each individual chooses to look at things and how each individual chooses to interpret the events that occur in our lives. I have discussed my belief system with folks who have a very different set of ideas about life than I do. They don't understand how I approach life or how I can look at things the way I do. Some have gone so far as to insist my view is very simple-minded and Pollyanna-ish. On the surface, some of these ideas we have been discussing sound very simple. But that doesn't mean they're easy to grasp or easy to live when you put them into practice. As soon as I think I fully understand, I am met with a set of circumstances that requires me to come to a deeper understanding. It's a wonderful, ongoing challenge. And it can make people think you're a little...odd...during those times when all around you is crisis and chaos and you're calm, smiling, and affirming that it is for your highest good with complete conviction and inner peace. Now, there's a paradox in action for ya. The bottom line for me has been this: Does my life work and do the beliefs that I hold support me as I travel on this journey? If the answer to that question is yes, then it's no matter to me that others hold a contrary opinion. They have every right to have their opinion. I have an equal right to ignore it. We can choose to go through life thinking we are limited by any number of factors, subject to a series of random events that are completely out of our control, there is no purpose to it all and when we die that's it...or we can choose thoughts that affirm the good that is all around us, affirm the divine within ourselves and others, affirm that we co-create our reality with God/Spirit/Universe/The Force/Whatever you call it, and affirm that there is some sort of reason and purpose. When I was younger...before I started learning about different ways to think and look at things...I held the first set of beliefs I described in that last paragraph. They are not the beliefs I have now. I know which set of beliefs have created a reality that allows me to dance through life rather than drag my sorry butt through another day. That's a choice everyone has to make for themselves, though. All I know is my life works, makes sense, and I don't have the kinds of stresses, regrets, drama and problems that appear to plague other people I encounter.

While there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, sex is a very important component of a romantic relationship/marriage. With no sex you're friends, roommates, buddies. Sex is what differentiates that relationship from all others. You have posted about this problem before, and it sounds like things are still the same. I think if you go ahead with the proposal and marriage, you're going to become more frustrated over time...and that means you're gonna be cultivating fertile ground for the next gal who comes along and has some interest in you in that way. Not saying you'd cheat...but you are most certainly setting yourself up to be sorely tempted at some point. At the very least, that's likely to cause additional resentment toward your SO. I agree with what you've said here: From what you have said, it does sound like you have tried to work on this with her and she's unwilling/not interested/doesn't see a problem. That would be a red flag to me. If there were some other issue you didn't see eye-to-eye on...say, finances. If you wanted to save money and she spent like it was going out of style....would you still want to go ahead and propose/get married, knowing that she's not likely to change her ways and might drive you to the poor house? You can love someone, think they're a wonderful person and still be incompatible with them in some very important ways that make a relationship difficult if not impossible. If you're unhappy/frustrated after 5 years of this, how are you going to feel after another 5 or 10 of more of the same? We cannot expect/demand/insist our partners change. If we cannot accept them as they are where they are, then perhaps we are not doing either one of us a favor to stay with them.

You couldn't pay me enough to go back to my 20's. Even for the odd aches and pains and knowing the ride is likely half over, now is good.

I don't know that I can give you any better answer than something mentally shifts when you get past your 40th birthday. For most people, I think the natural tendency through one's 20's and 30's is to feel as if there's plenty of time to do all the things they want to do, so if they don't get to something right now, there's plenty of "later" in which to accomplish it. While you might be well aware that you're not going to be around forever in your 20's, I don't know that the gravity of that thought is quite the same as when you've got more life experience under your belt. I didn't have it so bad because I don't have kids...so, most days I still feel like I'm about 15 only with a car and more money. What really got me though, was when I realized I'd been working in the same business longer than ALL the part-time employees on my staff had been alive. The older you get, there can be more of a sense of doors closing and limited options. F'rinstance, in your 20's you could easily quit your job and go back to school for training in a different career field. People would be generally supportive because that's what you are "supposed" to do at that time in your life. Doing the same thing in your 40's can be a frightening prospect, especially if you have been working in the same field for most of your adult life. People may think you've gone a little crazy giving up what you'd spent most of your life working toward to go do something completely different. The idea of starting from scratch in a new field (and likely taking a huge pay cut), competing with all the younger ones...the mere IDEA of it makes me tired. 20 years ago, I never thought I'd be in my 40's....and certainly how I am in my 40's is vastly different than how my parents were in their 40's. While I did experience the deaths of a few people (relatives, friends) in my 20's and 30's...for the most part, it was something that was still distant for me. Now I routinely see obituaries where the person's age wasn't so far off from my own...and that feels a little weird. When I was in my 20's, 50-something seemed old. Not too surprising when you'd see an obit of a 50-something person having a heart attack and dying. Now, I see an obit of a 50-something person dying from a heart attack and I want to swear off red meat and butter and start doing an hour of cardio 5 times a week. It's different. And if some 40-something person told me that when I was in my 20's, I'd be skeptical as well. But it is different.

I don't think every guy goes through it...just like some women go through menopause with minimal symptoms and some get every symptom ever known to medicine to the nth degree. What triggers it? Maybe some physical/hormonal stuff...but more likely the realization of one's own mortality. At some point in their 40's most people make the realization that they don't have all the time in the world to do the things they want to do. If we're talking about a person that has not accomplished what they expected to by a certain age or who has not followed a dream they really wanted to, they're probably more likely to freak out and attempt make up for lost time...perhaps in an effort to prove to themselves that they aren't that old. For a longer, detailed discussion, you might want to look at Gail Sheehy's book "Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life" and "Understanding Men's Passages: Discovering a New Map of Men's Lives" So, why are you asking? What's your interest in this?

Can't speak for her, but the last time I was single, I knew that I wanted to get married (I was 37 and ready for that kind of relationship) and refused to waste my time "just dating" or getting involved with a guy who knew he didn't want to get married. Stating I wanted to get married did not mean I wanted to marry the guy I was saying it to...rather it was intended to be an indication of what my relationship goal was. If it wasn't his goal, that was cool...but there was no point in continuing the interaction since we weren't after the same thing. It would be a waste of time for both of us to go past an initial conversation. Now, if a guy indicated that he had getting married as a goal for himself, then it was worth a date or two to see if we had other things in common and if we were attracted to/had chemistry with each other. In other words, if I had said, "I want to go to Arizona" would you interpret that to mean "I want to go to Arizona with you" or just that I was expressing a desire to travel? Until proven differently, you may want to operate under the assumption that she's just stating the destination where she'd like to end up....doesn't necessarily mean she's lookin' to end up there with you. Look at it this way...if you've taken the time to figure out what you're looking for at this point in your life, she may have saved you a lot of time, effort and heartache by being upfront about what she's looking for. 'Cause if you know what you're looking for doesn't fit with what she's looking for, you can be on your way fairly quickly before either of you gets very involved.

Actually, turqoise, I think you're getting at a similar point with your example of a 15-year-old wanting to buy a house. One of the books I read waaay back there in the early 90's about attracting one's right and perfect partner was a book called "Finding Each Other" by Don & Mary Kelly. One of the exercises they had was to make a list of the qualities you wanted your (future) mate to have. I did the list exercise. Multiple times. And while it was helpful in some respects, the lesson it eventually taught me was that it's not my job to manage the details. Lemme explain. So I made list #1...met a guy who fit list #1...and..oops! Forgot to specify that he should also like me. List #2....forgot to specify that he should be heterosexual. Ooops. List #3...forgot to specify he should be geographically desirable (not halfway accross the state with no intent on either part to move). Oops again. You get the idea. While you can use metaphysical principles to shape your life and experiences, the final word always...but always...belongs to God/Universe/Spirit/The Force/whatever you call that thing that is greater than ourselves. And that entity has a wicked sense of humor. Like sending me a "Mr. Perfect" who had so much in common with me...we liked the same music, the same activities, oh...and we also both liked men. I found things went a little more smoothly when I focused more on where I wanted to go rather than how I wanted to get there or who I wanted to get there with. Another non-romantic relationship example (because I use these principles in every area of my life...not just the "find a mate" part). I like horses and I used to go to a harness racing track every saturday night. I'd sit in the grandstand and watch the races, make a few wagers, and write in my journal between races. After a while, I began to wonder how one would get involved in owning a race horse. I watched the people who would get the horses ready to race and collect them after the race was over and wondered how I could get on the other side of the fence and walls that separated those folks from the spectators. So, I started working with affirmations. I set a 5 year time frame to own my own horse. At this point I knew no one involved in the business. Shortly after I started using this affirmation, the company I worked for had reason to do some business with the racetrack. While we were working on that project, I met the track's marketing director....who happened to be married to one of the horse trainers/drivers. I owned my first horse with them about a year and a half later. So, I had a final destination in mind (I want to own and race a horse), but no idea how to get there. When "coincidences" fell into my lap that could help get me to that destination, I follwed them (like road signs) and followed up on them. In applying metaphysical principles to day-to-day life I've found that working with them in the financial area of my life has been the easiest thing for me. Creating enough money to cover my bills and be materially comfortable is second nature to me now...I don't even have to consciously think about it anymore because the affirmation "Money is there when I need it" is so ingrained into my consciousness. Applying metaphysical principles to the area of romantic relationships has been the most challenging area for me. I suspect that might be because you're dealing with more than one person and all the attendant things that come with that. If you're trying to create wealth, you need only work on your own beliefs and barriers. You don't have to wait for someone else to work on their stuff and be ready...basically whenever you become open to receiving wealth, the floodgates open. But with a relationship...both potential partners need to be ready and open to it. This is where the timing thing comes in. I don't know if that holds true for everyone (finances=easy relationships=challenging), though. Probably not as we're all here to learn different things. Apparently learning through financial hardship isn't on my agenda in this lifetime. And, so far, neither is learning to be filthy rich by winning the lottery, either......although I am working on that. Back to the "figuring out the details" stuff for a minute...if I had stayed stuck on that list exercise from the "Finding Each Other Book," I never would've agreed to date my husband. He did not come in the package I thought I wanted (he's 11 years younger and had just divorced when I met him), but he was exactly who I needed to be with.

Are people actually doing these things? Some people are. Some are blowing sunshine up your skirt and want you to think they are. I've been involved in the public BDSM scene for about 9 years now. In that time I've personally done a variety of things and witnessed a greater variety of people doing various things. When we bought our house, one of the things that was on our list of "must haves" was a basement we could convert into a dungeon/BDSM play space...which we did as soon as we finished painting/decorating the main part of the house. These things...and stuff you haven't even thought of yet...are certainly going on. But if you are not plugged into a group or groups of folks who are doing (and not just talking), then it could easily appear that it's all made up.

As a 42 year old chick, I second that. Getting home from work and finding the dishes & laundry done and put away is a turn on because it's less crap I have to do.

BMI is simply a number that represents your height in relation to your weight. It says nothing about a person's health. Saying all people with a certain BMI number are healthy is like saying ALL Americans/Canadians/Catholics/Aethists/or any other large group of your choosing are all the same. BMI does not take into account one's gender, one's level of physical activity, one's genetic background, one's dietary habits, one's habits regarding tobacco usage or any number of other factors that influence a person's health. A heavy sendentary person and a super-fit athelete can have the same BMI, but they most likely will not have the same level of health. A thin sedentary smoker may have a "healthy" BMI while a heavier, non-smoking active person may have an "unhealthy" BMI...but in reality the sedentary smoker is more likely to develop a life-threatening illness. Real indicators of good health include one's blood pressure, cholesterol level and blood sugar levels. These are things that are not visible to the naked eye. What's considered beautiful changes from one culture to the next and even changes within the same culture over time. What's considered beautiful probably has more to do with a show of higher status than one's health. When food was scarce, fat was seen as a sign of affluence and thereforeeee attractive. In the past, being pale was thought attractive, again because the implication was that you were affluent enough so that you did not have to labor outside. At one time in Chinese culture a woman's bound (and deformed because of the binding) foot was considered attractive -- also an indicator of affluence -- she came from a family that didn't need her to be able to work in the fields. link removed Today, food is cheap and plentiful...and what does culture hold as an ideal? Someone who can go without it. And someone who's tan is thought attractive -- implication being s/he is a person who doesn't have to toil away as a cubicle drone and has time to lie around in the sun. So, I think there is greater relationship between beauty and affluence (or the appearance of affluence) than beauty and health.

That thing annie said about potential...it's absolutely true. If you cannot accept him where is now, as he is now you're setting yourself up for an exercise in nothing but frustration. We cannot make/force/cajole/demand another person change. The only thing we can ever change is ourselves. As for giving him a taste of his own medicine. Well...the only time I've done that all it did was fail miserably and I did something that I personally found distasteful. Long story short, ex was chatting - suggestively - online with other women and insisting it wasn't wrong. So I went online and did the same with other men. Didn't change a single thing he was doing (or his outlook on it) and that one time I did do it got thrown back in my face if I dared to complain from that point forward.

We attract what we focus on. In the area of relationships (not just romantic ones, but all kinds of relationships), we also tend to attract who we are. If we are a dysfunctional mess, then we tend to attract other people who are less than healthy and repel those who are healthy. It is in our own best interest (as well as the greater good) to work on ourselves and our own wholeness. It gives us a better shot at attracting relationships to our lives that will be mutually beneficial and positive. Becoming whole, sane, balanced and healthy individuals also benefits the Universe in the larger sense as well because those kinds of people are in a better position/more likely to contribute more and do the right things for the right reasons. I learned about the most about commitment from the cheater I was involved with. I learned the most about giving someone enough space to walk their own path (even if their choices lead to destruction) from the alcoholic I was involved with. Both were lessons I needed before I could be in the relationship I am now. While I always found these less-than-ideal relationships disappointing when I compared them with the picture of the ideal relationship I had in my head, the things I took away from those relationships were crucial to being able to make that picture in my head a reality. Given that I'm stubborn and can be the kind of person who has to touch the stove myself to find out if it's really hot, some of the lessons may have seemed a bit harsh to an outside observer....but it was the most expedient way for me to learn them in such a way that they'd stick with me. So is it just "coincidence" or luck or good timing that I'm where I am now? Maybe. But if I look a little closer, I can see that I set out on the road to get here well over 10 years ago. (Using the power of my own creative thought) Every lesson learned along the way provided a piece of the puzzle and also a reinforcement of the belief that I really wanted to go this way. Then of course, there was the time I conducted a job search without ever sending out a single resume or going on an interview. Just kept working with the affirmation, "I am working in my right and perfect job." About 2 months later, I got a call out of the blue from a guy I used to work for asking me to come work for him again at a different (better) company than where I worked for him before. Here's another one. Also in the early 90's, I took stock of where I was financially and it scared me into learning about money management, saving and getting responsible in that area. All good things that have served me well. However, looking back at my journal at that time, I noticed I was constantly writing the phrase, "If I could just get someone else to cover my basic living expenses for one year, I could completely eliminate this debt." I remember thinking about that a lot. If, somehow, I could get the basic rent/food/utilities paid some other way for a year.... I didn't think much of it at the time when I moved in with the cheater in the late 90's (I didn't know he was a cheater at that point) and he refused to take money for rent or utilities. He was 18 years older than me, owned his own home, and from a different generation that believed the man was the provider, period. All I paid for when I was living with him was my car, car insurance, and any gifts I bought for him. So, I paid off my student loan. I paid off my credit cards. I paid off my car. I had zero debt and had managed to save a chunk of money that wasn't tagged for retirement. Then I caught him cheating and moved out. It was about a year after I moved in. When I was putting my things away and getting settled into my new apartment after I left him, I happened accross my old journals. Happened to be reading the ones from the time period where I was just starting to get my financial stuff together. That's when I noticed how often I was writing the phrase, "If I could just get someone else to cover my basic living expenses for one year, I could completely eliminate this debt." Holy %$#*. That was EXACTLY what happened, wasn't it?

Well, what would be the point of encountering one of those souls before you are ready to learn what they are here to teach you? Since we are both teacher and student in this lifetime, what would be the point of you appearing to a student before they had all the prerequisites for what you needed to teach them? For the sake of discussion, let's assume that one of my pre-destined relationships is with my husband. Had I met him at any point before I did, there is no way I would've been ready to create the kind of relationship we have. Mind you, I had been consciously and actively working on defining my ideal relationship and refining that definition starting in the early 90's. I did not meet my husband until 2001. If I had met him before that point, I simply would not have been ready to be in this relationship. From what I know about his history, he wouldn't have been ready either. I believe timing is a huge factor in things. If you're not ready for the lesson, the teacher is not going to appear because there is no point for them to be there yet. This is where the power of your own creative thought process comes in -- getting yourself ready for the next set of lessons. I could've spent the time between the early 90's and 2001 farting around, getting involved in essentially the same relationship with different people over and over and not learning a single thing, (And don't we all know someone who keeps dating the same kind of person over and over and over and wondering why it never works out? ), actively avoiding working on myself or stubbornly clinging to dysfunctional ways of relating to others. Or, I could learn from every relationship I had along the way and learn to do things differently, think about things differently, and take responsibility for the role I played in creating each of those previous relationships. There is a saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." I have always found this to be true. My job, if I choose to do the work, is to get myself ready and to be open to the appearance of that teacher no matter what form s/he/it may take. Along with human teachers, I've had horses and cats and random books teach me just what I needed to learn at the time I needed to learn it. So teachers can take just about any form...IF we are open to them. I also believe there's no such thing as "coincidence." When I notice things falling into place in a fortuitious way, I see those as road signs that tell me I'm going in a way that's in line with the lessons I am ready to work on.

I don't think specific events in our lives are pre-destined. I do believe that there are broader lessons we are here to learn, though, and we will encounter situations where we have the opportunity to learn those lessons. Those lessons are going to vary from person to person as we are all at different points in our evolution/growth. Part of the challenge in this lifetime on the physical plane is to figure our what those lessons may be for you. Note that I said "opportunity to learn." That means we also have the option to NOT learn a thing if we choose not to. I've been keeping a journal since I was 12, so it's a little easier for me to look back and see that there really has been a sort of underlying theme to the majority of events in my life. Since it's all written down and I don't have to rely on a selective/spotty memory about past events, those broader and repeating themes are a little easier to spot. It's my belief that each of us came to the physical plane at this particular time and choosing what broader lessons we would work on in this go-round. We forget all this the instant we're born. Part of the journey here is to figure it all out again. For me anyway, I found that my life flows a lot more smoothly when I keep the overall theme of my life in mind, and filter new experiences through that accordingly. If I try to go in some contrary direction, I find my path blocked more often than not. However, if I am brutally honest with myself, those blocked paths I think I want to take would end up taking me someplace that's not really "me" anyway. Other than learning "who I am not," there really wouldn't be much reason to go there. Not that I expect this to make any sense to anyone but myself...but there's my .02

Sure, I think about my exes every once in a while. Then I realize how much happier I am in my current relationship than I was in a relationship with them. I feel no need to call or email them and let them know that. In fact, I sincerely hope they feel the same about me (..they feel they're happier and better off without me around..) That applies no matter if I was the dumper or dumpee. In the same way that people are in our lives for a reason, they are also NOT in our lives for a reason. Sometimes we just can't see what that reason is at the moment...but if we're lucky and observant, sometimes the reason is revealed to us at an appropriate time.

Any relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy partner. All the more reason to work on yourself and your own mental blocks first before you go playing with others' mental blocks.

You might've slept with your head or neck in a weird position and caused some muscles to spasm (cramp). That is likely what that hard spot you're feeling is. I've done that before. It can cause the kind of symptoms you're describing. If you have a chiropractor, they can do wonders for stuff like that. I've been doing regular visits to a chiro for over 15 years and have found that to be a huge help with neck/shoulder/upper back issues. You can also see your regular doc. S/he is likely to prescribe some muscle relaxants which will help, but may not get at an underlying structural issue like a chiropractor can.

I've seen some of the other threads you've started in the last few days. What I'm wondering is...with all the other things you have going on, do you realistically have time to find/build/maintain a healthy relationship at this point? Even just casual dating takes time and effort. Is it possible that this is just serving as a distraction from some of the more pressing issues you have going on? Finally, while you may be a perfectly lovely person, you DO have a lot of "stuff" going on right now. When I was single and dating, I tended to pass on getting involved with people who had a lot of "stuff" going on. It's one thing to deal with crap when you're already in an established relationship with someone...I'd expect no less from myself or an SO. But it's a different matter entirely when one is in the "just dating" stages. Why deal with someone else's (and someone you barely know at that) drama if your own life is relatively problem-free, y'know?

I wish I could remember where I read this, but I don't... A study was being quoted that said the odds of a couple staying married were better if said couple was married within 18 months of their first date. From my own experiences and observations, if you know you want to be in a marriage relationship and you're past, say, your mid-20's and you "don't know" if you want to be married to someone after you've been with them for about a year, you probably don't want to be married to that person. I was in several long-term relationships (2+ years) that did not end in marriage. I was with my last bf for about 2.5 years...we lived together for about a year of that time...when I left, he still hadn't quite figured out if he wanted to be with me. The guy I married proposed one week after our first date. He says he KNEW within a few minutes of meeting me that he HAD TO be with me. We were married less than a year after we met. Best decision either of us has ever made. More than time frames, though, I really think it comes down to what each partner's relationship goals are. Both my husband and I had marriage as a goal for ourselves before we ever met each other. When we met and all the other things fell into place (common interests, similar sense of humor, attraction, "chemistry"), then getting married was the next logical step.