shes2smart

If you didn't part on bad terms (i.e. one was cheating on the other, f'rinstance), it's possible to be friends with the ex. But, you both have to be completely over each other, have no romantic feelings toward one another, and neither of you can habor even a remote hope of getting back together as a couple. I am still friends with my college ex. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 5, broke up some 15 years ago. However, it took about a year of having absolutely no contact with each other whatsoever before a friendship was possible. Also, we didn't set out to have a friendship...there was a set of naturally occurring events that put us back in contact with each other. My college ex met every one of my bf's after we became friends. In fact, one of the ways I knew my husband was a "keeper" was that my ex-bf chose to establish a friendship with him. When we all lived in the same city, my ex and my hubby used to go to the movies and hang out with each other WITHOUT me. When my ex-bf got married (and we were all living in the same city) we would go out to dinner with them on a regular basis. Now that we're living about 200 miles apart, we visit each other a couple times a year. My college ex is the only ex I keep in touch with, however, it's also the only relationship I've had that ended on fairly good terms. We broke up because we had grown in different directions. Not surprising as we were 19 and 21 when we got together. People change an awful lot through their 20's. Who you are and what you want at the beginning of that decade is quite frequently very different from who you are and what you want at the end of that decade. So, I do believe that a huge part of the reason I can be friends with him even now has a lot to do with the way we parted some 15 years ago.

22 and moved in with my college bf. My parents didn't speak to me for several months afterwards.

For me, love quit being "hard" when I stopped making bad decisions and getting myself involved in situations I KNEW were f'ed up. (Gosh, this guy's really hot, but he's a raging alcoholic. "Hotness" didn't make up for his addiction. His charming sober personality wasn't much consolation when he was physically and verbally abusive when he was drunk/high. Trust me when I say I know about making bad decisions and f'ed up situations) The "easy" (relatively speaking) part begins when you start thinking with your good sense in addition to/instead of your nether regions. You are the one continuing your suffering by continuing your involvement. Yeah, it'll be hard to call it off...and it'll hurt. But staying with him isn't going to feel any better over the long haul.

You've definitely got grounds for a formal complaint. If you're going to file a complaint, sooner rather than later is better. At my company we've recently been subjected to the corporate "Sexual Harassment" videos. Given the business climate these days, I'd be surprised if your company didn't have a written policy about that sort of thing. Then again, at my last employer that sort of thing (and worse) went on all the time at the local office and local management turned a blind eye to it. In any event a formal complaint against someone will usually get them to stop bothering you. In many cases, the person truly didn't mean to offend you. Not saying that's so in your case, but you may want to approach it from that angle...telling your boss that you'd like to believe it was ignorance or a lapse in judgement on your co-worker's part rather than going to your boss and making a scene about "that lecherous old man," y'know? Also, you might want to consider refraining from consuming any alcohol at anything even remotely work-related. It clouds your judgement and blurs the lines between 'work' and 'personal. After over 20 years in the work world, I have yet to see a situation where alcohol in a work or work-related situation are a good combination.

While I think there are some great things that alternative medicine can offer, I also think some of the ideas/theories are a little whacked out. My dad was a dentist...I worked in his office when I was in high school and college. If you have a good dentist who uses a competent dental lab (the lab will actually make your crowns) you'll be fine. You won't even be able to tell the difference between the crowns and your real teeth. I have 2 crowns, neither of which is distinguishable from my real teeth. I also have very old silver amalgam fillings and a few newer fillings of a tooth-colored material. I have no weird side effects or ill health due to any of these things. I think the stuff you're reading about alternative health practices is freaking you out for no really good reason. If you subscribe to their theories, what are you going to do....not get your teeth fixed? See your dentist. Get the crowns. Properly done they will look and function like your normal teeth.

I think it could become an issue later in the relationship if one partner is close with their family and the other isn't. The one who isn't as family-oriented may not want to do things with the other partner's family members or may dislike family members' involvement with the couple. While the more family-oriented partner may feel they're being put in a postion where they have to choose between their family and their SO. This is the case with any differing values between partners. You need to evaluate how far apart your views are, how much each of you is willing to compromise, what each of you is not willing to give up and if a compromise is even possible.

One other question to add to hazey amber's: How close to their own family is s/he? Some families aren't close, so it's not that important to them. They could be very serious about a relationship with you, but if they're not close to their own family and you are close to yours, they may not be able to wrap their mind around the importance of meeting your family. Niether I or my husband are close to our respective families...so meeting the parents was pretty much a non-issue/not a big deal for either of us.

(un)fortunately, yes. I say (un)fortunately because, to some extent, networking has gotten a bad name....it conjures up images of people being fake-nice to others just to use them as a contact when they need something later. And, yes, there are people who network that way. But I can't (and don't) network that way...and no one else has to either if they can't stomach acting like that or its not their style. I tend to only network with/help out people that I genuinely LIKE and/or respect. I have the job I have now because I worked for the guy who hired me here at a different company several years ago. In hiring me, he KNEW what he was getting. He already knew my work habits, my personality, my strengths and weaknesses. He knew that I was very likely to continue to be a "good employee" because I had been a good employee for him in the past. It's a gamble for a company to hire a new employee. Depending on any sort of training programs or company-paid benefits, it can cost a goodly amount to bring a new person on board...so they want to avoid making a bad choice -- someone who's going to up and quit in a few months or a year or someone who's going to have to be asked to leave. If the person who does the hiring hears of a candidate from someone they already have some sort of relationship with, it can help reduce the risk to the company to hire that person. So that's why networking makes sense from the employer's standpoint. From a job seeker's standpoint it makes sense because it means you've got people helping you look, and it gives a job seeker a point of contact/commonality with a potential employer. If the person doing the hiring knows "Susan" and I contact them saying "Susan" suggested I call, then we already have something in common to start a discussion. Even better for me if the person doing the hiring likes/respects "Susan." Best of luck to both of you. Try not to get too discouraged. Finding a job can be a difficult process, but you should be fine.

How are you feeling about other areas of your life? If that apathy is an overall theme in other areas of your life -- career, family, hobbies, etc., then you might consider being evaluated by your doc or a counselor for depression. If your apathy is just about dating/relationships, maybe it's time to consciously take a break from the whole thing and focus your time and attention on something that you are interested in, brings you joy, and gets you fired up. That can be just about anything -- working on career goals, or a hobby, or traveling, or training for a marathon -- the only requirement is that it is something that you have a passion for. What I found to be true for me was when I turned my focus toward making my life a place I wanted to be and found interesting and spent the vast majority of my time involved in things I cared deeply about, I naturally/effortlessly tended to draw people (not just potential romantic partners, but people in general) to me. I think this was due in large part to the fact that I had filled my life with things I was passionate about and that made me feel very upbeat, energetic and "alive." Even if I had never met my husband, having that life I created on my own would've been more than enough to live a happy life...it was a win/win situation whether I was single or in a relationship.

Mathematical equations regarding human relations and posing as "rules of thumb" make me laugh. I've seen these equations for how much older/younger people should date and how long it should take people to get over a break-up. There's probably even one to tell you the optimal number of kids to have and when to have them. Perhaps some people derive some sort of comfort from these sorts of equations..."you will feel better/be ready to move on at this specific time" gives one some concrete things to deal with rather than stumbling around and working one's way through the swamp without knowing how long it'll take to find a way out. When it comes to feeling and healing emotions, things take the time they take. No more, no less. And the time it takes for you may be more or less or the same as any other person you wish to compare yourself to. If we have problems getting into a yoga pose, my yoga teacher always says it's not the destination...it's the journey. If we consistantly work toward a pose, we will eventually move into it easily and effortlessly when we are ready to do so. Each person will do this in their own way, in their own time, and to the extent that is possible for them. When you think you might be ready to start meeting new people and dating, wade in slowly and see how it goes. You'll figure out pretty quickly if you're ready or not when you take some time to stop and reflect about whatever actions you choose to take.

Do you make enough that you could support both of you in the short term? It would be easier to find a job if she is physically there and can devote full-time attention/effort to doing so. Is she looking only in her field or would she consider something outside of her field just to have some income until she finds something more in line with her ultimate career goals? About 2 years ago, I was considering a career change and went to a career coach. During those sessions I learned that more jobs are attained through networking rather than blindly sending resumes or answering help wanted ads. I don't believe you mentioned what sort of distance we're talking about here, but I'll assume it's enough of a distance that she doesn't have any or many contacts where you live. This is where you can help. Start mentioning to everyone you know -- friends, family, co-workers, etc. -- that she is looking for a job. You never know when someone will turn up a valuable lead...like "Oh, yeah, they're looking for people where my brother works...lemme give you his number so you can ask him about it." The other thing is that getting a job is, in part, a numbers game. In my industry, for instance, it's not uncommon to send out 100 tape/resume packages and not get a call back. You learn that you have to be creative, get in people's faces (in a friendly, not overly-pushy way), tell everyone you know that you're looking for a job and ask for their help in getting leads. This sort of thing is why anyone who's been in radio for any length of time knows a boatload of people. First thing I see radio people who've never met each other do when they get introduced is start comparing notes on who they both know. It's nuts. The more people you can let know she's looking for a job, the more people you have helping her look. Most people *want* to help...you just have to ask...and be sure to thank them. Here's an example for ya. Some friends of ours had a son who was being released from jail. He was invovled in a car accident and blah, blah, blah. Point is he didn't intentionally kill anyone or steal stuff or sell drugs. Anyway, he wanted to find a job. They asked my husband if there were any openings where he works. He gave their son info on who to talk to, and where to go apply. He found out who their son was interviewing with and turns out the interviewer was someone my husband's on good terms with, so he put in a good word for our friends' son. Our friends' son was upfront about his situation, did well in the interview and was offered a job within a month of being released from jail. He's doing well and getting his life back on track. That's how networking can work.

If one or the other of you doesn't like to drive, an hour's distance can be a deal-killer. That being said, I've had a couple relationships where I lived an hours' drive from my SO. In one case, I moved to be with him, then had an hour commute (one way) to work 5 days a week. Driving an hour to see these guys (or go to work/get home) got old real fast. My husband lived 2 hours' drive from me when I met him. He moved to where I was within 3 months. If he hadn't done most of the driving to see me initially AND hadn't moved, that distance would've become unmanagable for me relatively quickly. (I had made it clear when I first chatted with him online that I thought he was too far away and I had no intention of moving from where I was) So just from my handful of experiences with this...an hour's drive away is an unmanageable distance for a relationship for some people.

Are you taking any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs? They can sometimes cause very vivid dreams/nightmares if your dosage is off.

Most places that serve hot beverages also have bottled water and other cold drinks like soda. To me "going for coffee" is sort of a generic shorthand for "going out to a place where we can sit and talk a while, not have alcoholic beverages and not have to commit to having an entire meal if things aren't going well." "Going for a drink" would imply alcoholic beverages. IMO, not your best choice for a first meeting if we're talking about meeting a potential date from online. Saying "going for coffee" eliminates meeting at a bar and it also implies that it's ok for it to be a brief meeting (like an hour or so), so you're not stuck for the entire evening. "Going for coffee" would also indicate that no one's being expected to pony up for the cost of a meal. One thing it doesn't necessarily mean is that you have to drink coffee.

I completely agree with this. When you're dealing with someone online, you are only seeing what they choose to show you. That may or may not have anything to with the reality of who they are. The other trap I've seen a lot of (I'd even go so far as to say MOST) people fall into is what I call "filling in the blanks" with their online interest. Since you get such limited info about someone online, there are a lot of "blanks." I think most folks make the unconscious mistake of filling in those blanks with stuff they would like the other person to be. This makes a very intoxicating mixture and can bring up some very strong emotions before you ever meet someone. Heck, they'll even viciously argue to the death with someone like me who merely suggests their "perfect" online sweetie might not be everything s/he appears to be....they've gotten themselves so intoxicated on that personal brew they've created in their head. Nevermind the fact that I've got a ton of first-hand experience in this that dates back to PRE-INTERNET when I used to met potential dates through newspaper personal ads that involved a period of snail-mailed letters before phone calls and meetings. I've sipped that very intoxicating brew of my own creation more than a time or two, and had to deal with the resulting hangover, if you catch my drift. I met my husband online. One of the things that signaled to me that he was 'for real' was the fact that he asked to meet me f2f AND set up a time and place to do so after chatting with me only 5 or 6 times -- long enough for him to know he wanted to know more about me. There was no long, drawn-out online interaction interspersed with just enough phone calls to fool me into thinking it was all 100% real. IMO, you don't get real until you've seen them in person and interacted with them over time.

One other thing just occurred to me: therapy got a lot more productive for me when I stopped focusing on "why am I/are things this way?" and started focusing on "how can I change myself/change things for the better?"

The shrink I did the most productive work with simply pointed things out. I'd go in and talk. When I'd pause, she'd point out things she noticed in what I'd just been saying: inconsistancies (saying I -or someone I was dealing with saying - wanted something, but acting in a different way), faulty thinking patterns, harmful/unrealistic ideas and so forth. From that point, it was up to me to evaluate her observations, accept or reject them, and choose to notice/change what I was doing. One thing that might be a stumbling block for you is focusing too much on the "why" of things. That's something I did. I (incorrectly) assumed if I knew the "why" that would resolve the issues. Truth is, you don't need to know the "why" to make different choices about your thoughts, beliefs and actions today. Sometimes there's no way to find out the "why"...and sometimes, even if you do find out the "why," it doesn't make a damn bit of sense anyway. Sometimes there is no "why." (that was a big revelation for me...sometimes, there is no reason "why")

I believe there is such a thing as responsible recreational usage (much like there are "social drinkers")....but from your description, it doesn't sound to me like that describes what he's doing. I doubt an ultimatum will work. Oh, he may tow the line (or give the appearance of towing the line) temporarily...but unless and until he's self-motivated to quit, he's not going to. I used to date an alcoholic who also liked the herb quite a bit. Lotta drama. Lotta back and forth. Lotta years. Finally split from him about 10 years ago. Far as I know he's still into his addiction and maintaining he'll quit "soon." He is what he is. You can hang around hoping he'll change (an exercise in frustation and futility, IMO) or you can do what's going to be painful in the short term, but will be more likely to put you in a place where you can create a healthy relationship with a non-addicted person.

Simple answer: He sees something in her that you don't...and that's all you need to know. You can lessen your frustration by letting it (and letting him) go. It's his life and his choice to make. His life isn't a democracy. You don't get a vote.

After multiple go-rounds with therapy over the last 30 years (some good, some excellent and some not-so-good), I can tell you this: If you go in expecting a counselor/therapist to "fix" your problems, you're in for disappointment. Their job is to act as a guide....you still have to walk the path and do the heavy lifting yourself.

Positive thinking with no positive action is as bad as negative thinking. As with all things, at some point, you have to get off your butt and do something to move yourself along.

Both my husband and I have no contact with our biological families. While yours, my husband's and my stories are all different, what they do have in common is that those we are biologically related to treat(ed) us horribly and with an appalling lack of basic respect. They wouldn't dream of treating a stranger like that, yet they'll do it to their own blood. Like you, after a certain point, both my husband and I said, "No more." And ceased contact with them. For me that was almost 8 years ago. For my husband it was about 5 years ago. You're still in the early stages of separating yourself from them, and that's the hardest. It will get better. While the time just prior to and time of my "break-up" with my family was very difficult, the time since has been amazingly stress free. I still cannot believe how much of a drain those relationships were on me. I suspect that once you navigate through this initial separation and re-definition of boundaries you will find a similar peace on the other side. Just keep focused on doing what is best for you (and your mom), and don't get caught up in your siblings' drama.

I had that tingling in my hands/arms feeling a few years ago. Went for an MRI, they found a herniated disk in my neck. It was pressing against the nerves and that's what was causing the tingling and pain. I had surgery to remove the herniated part of the disk. Solved the problem. Of the surgeries I've had the neck surgery freaked me out the most before hand and it wound up being the easiest/quickest recovery. Go figure. Try not to worry about it. The results are what they are. Once you get them, there's a good chance you'll have some clear idea of what's going on with you. When you know that, you can start researching it and deciding with your doc what to do about it.

I've long maintained that events just are. It is our interpretation and attitude that make them "good" or "bad"....and we can choose how to interpret events and what sort of attitude we'll have toward events. What we choose makes all the difference in the world. Nice post, easyguy.

There are some very good migraine meds available by prescription. I don't know why her doc has not given her samples or a prescription. I never had a problem with migraines until I hit my late 30's. I'm told it's common in perimenopause. I don't get them every month, but they are connected to my cycle. I take a med called Zomig. One pill generally takes away the pain and related symptoms. Works better if I can lie down and have a nap after taking it, but I've also been in situations where that's not an option. Either way, after 30 mins to a hour, I'm feeling much better. With Zomig, you take it after a migraine starts so you only use it when you need it. If her migraines are frequent, there are other types of meds that can be taken on a daily basis as a preventative rather than after the fact. Pain can make a person do some weird stuff. Pain can also make a person take a very negative outlook on things. Last migraine I had was a 2-Zomig headache (I had to take 2 Zomig to make it stop...which is very unusual), but that translated into about 6-8 hours of constant head pain/light sensitivity/sound sensitivity by the time it was all over. Essentially lost the whole day. At the worst point, the sound of my own breathing was TOO LOUD. Also at the worst point, I was curled up in bed sobbing because it hurt so much and I was thinking it was never going to end. The sooner she can get the pain to go away, the less likely she is to get in a negative mindset because of it. Have her speak to her doc. The meds they have now specifically for migraines are really amazing and they don't necessarily knock you out or make you loopy and non-functional.