shes2smart

Normal. Soaking in the bathtub in hot water with Epsom salts will help ease the soreness. The package of Epsom salts will tell you how much to use. If you're not already doing so, you may want to do weight training every other day to give your body a chance to rest & repair itself.

The way I look at it is that, on the one hand, I did benefit from some luck or fortunate coincidences in meeting my husband...but at the same time, I do believe that we create our own "luck" to a significant degree. One way I created my "luck" was taking some time to think about where I wanted to end up. Beyond "being married" what did that ideal relationship look like? What did it include? What did it NOT include? What had I learned from previous relationships that taught me about what did and didn't work for me? With any goal in life, I think the clearer picture you have of where you ultimately/ideally want to be, the more likely you are to get there. The hard part (for me anyway) was not allowing myself to get distracted from my vision by shiny trinkets along the way. (i.e. guys I was attracted to who were not looking for marriage, or who were not capable of creating a healthy relationship for whatever reason) So, yes, my vision for myself was much more encompassing than just "I want to be married." I'm far too greedy to settle for a simple end-goal of married to just anyone. It was more a detailed picture of "this is the relationship I want to be in and it has to take place in the context of being married." At any rate, the bottom line is this: if you are currently involved with someone who doesn't have the same relationship goals at you, your options are: 1. put your goals on hold and hope they change their mind at some point in the future (which gives them ALL the power) or 2. get yourself in a situation where you are single and available to meet someone who has goals that more closely match yours. As long as you are involved with someone who isn't going where you want to go, you're not free to meet someone who is going the same way you are.

MissyM, I am in complete agreement with Batya33 on this one. When I left my last bf, a huge factor was the fact that I was ready to and wanted to be in a marriage and he wasn't. When I learned he was cheating on me, that just sped up the parting...I was already most of the way out the door because of the mismatch in relationship goals. When I started dating again, I was very upfront about my goal (marriage) and would not date a guy who said he didn't want to get married or a guy who said he wasn't sure what he was looking for. Any potential date had to have marriage as a goal for himself before I ever entered the picture. If we were both going the same way (marriage), then it was worth my time and his to see if there was attraction/commonality/chemistry between us. If our end destinations were different, then it was a waste of time (for both of us) for things to progess past an initial meeting. Taking this approach to dating, I met and was married to my husband in about a year. Best relationship either of us has been involved in creating, and a big part of the reason for that (I believe) is that we had/have similar relationship goals.

I'm sure those breast-reduction pills work quite nicely to make the manufacturer a lot of money. I'm highly suspect of non-prescription pills that claim to make changes to one's body...no matter if that change is weight loss, hair growth, muscle growth, breast growth or reduction, etc. I think you'd be better off to save your money to pay for a consultation with a doctor.

Depending on the laws where you live, there may be a substantially different way that you are seen as a spouse vs. non-spouse. This may come into play if either of you is involved in some catastrophic event (serious illness or accident, for example) and are unable to speak for yourself. In the middle of a crisis is not the time to find out that you have no rights or say regarding the care of your SO if you are not married. If you are in a commited relationship that you both intend to be a long-term arrangement, it would be in both of your best interests to find out what the specific laws are where you live regarding such things. Other than that, it comes down to the individuals involved. A wedding cermony won't all of a sudden transform people into being committed to each other...and the lack of a wedding ceremony doesn't necessarily mean a lack of commitment. The real issue for people is: does your SO have the same views and want the same things as you regarding marriage...'cause if one of you wants to get married and the other thinks marriage isn't important, you're gonna have problems.

Separate bedtimes? Yup. He works a more 2nd-shift schedule, I'm more of a daytime shift worker. I have to be up earlier, so I go to bed earlier. He gets home later, so he stays up later to unwind after work. Separate checking accounts? Yup. We've never comingled our money. Heck, our house is in my name alone. Lots of reasons...one of them being keeping his ex-spouse outta my bid'ness. We divide the bills, one of us gives the money for our portion to the other and that's how we pay for stuff. However, we're nowhere near getting divorced...heck, we're not even near thinking about getting divorced. People also start diets, exercise programs, savings programs, and try to quit smoking after January 1. A lot of people seem to be compelled to make changes in their lives at the turn of the year, especially if they're not happy with things. I'd say filing for divorce falls into that category.

If you're otherwise healthy (some illnesses can cause hair loss), then it would seem that's just the genetic hand you were dealt. There are a variety of products/procedures on the market, but I doubt that any of them can deliver quite as promised, and many of them are an absolute waste of money. You'd have to figure out for yourself if the benefit is worth the cost. If you haven't done so recently, you might want to consider a complete check-up with your doc to rule out any underlying illness. If you're healthy (and you probably are), I think you might benefit most from the services of a professional hairdresser for ideas on an appropriate and flattering style. Just be wary if s/he tries to sell you high-ticket haircare products, though.

Over time as you heal, if you keep visiting the site, you will most likely find yourself starting to help others as you become stronger. I've been here for about 2.5 years. In that time, I have seen many, many posters make the journey from broken/broken-hearted/depressed/depleted to becoming healed and whole enough to be able to help others as they start their healing journey. Just give it time.....

If you did it differently, you'd have a different outcome as well. I suppose if you're not terribly thrilled about where you are, that might be seen as a better option, though......

Just a comment for those of you who believe marriage is just "paperwork." If everything goes swimmingly, perhaps it is. If your family likes your SO, and your SO's family likes you, life's good. If you are below a certain income level, or neither of you ever fall seriously ill or have a serious accident, there may be no noticeable difference between being married/unmarried on a day to day basis. But life has a way of throwing curveballs when we least expect it. If you or your unmarried partner becomes seriously ill or injured and cannot make decisions for him/herself, you have no standing to have any say in their care as a non-spouse and non-family member. If their family members don't particularly care for you, you can be prevented from even seeing your SO if s/he is hospitalized. Several years back, I attended a workshop for non-married BSDM lifestyle couples. A lawyer (who was in the lifestyle) was speaking about various situations he'd seen similar to that listed above. The basic ideas would apply to any non-married couple not just those in the kink community. There are rights and privileges that are given to married couples that are not necessarily/automatically granted to non-married couples. Perhaps those in the kink community and gay community are more likely to be concerned with these sorts of issues because there's a better chance someone's family isn't going to care for your SO or your lifestyle. Most of these issues will only come into play when something's gone horribly wrong. Not really the time you want to deal with finding out that you can't see your comatose SO because his/her parents have a problem with you. If you don't want to get married, you are free to make that choice. However don't fool yourself into thinking that there's no difference between "married" and "unmarried" in all situations. There are things you can do as unmarried partners to protect each other -- you can have a lawyer draw up a health care power of attorney and living will, for instance -- but you will have to make the effort to make sure those things are in place. If you're not married, those protections are not there.

For as much pain and drama as there'd been with the last two exes (one was a raging abusive alcoholic, one cheated on me), there were also very valuable lessons I learned from both of those relationships. Being as stubborn as I am, I doubt I would've been able to learn those lessons in any sort of easier or softer way. Sometimes life has to smack you upside the head before you'll pay attention to what it's trying to teach you. Those experiences, those lessons, put me in the right frame of mind and the right level of self-knowledge & mental health to be open and receptive to a the kind of relationship I have with my husband. I look back on 30 years worth of journals and I strongly believe that if I had met my husband any earlier than I did...had I met him before I had met the alcoholic or the cheater, say...I wouldn't have been ready for this relationship that I'm in now. He believes the same thing about his previous relationships -- had his previous relationships not been the way they were, he wouldn't have been in a place in his life where he was single, available and ready to create this relationship with me when I happened along.

Having lived with 3 different bf's (one for 5 years, the other 2 for about 2 years each) and not getting married to them plus having a number of years living single by myself, here's my take on it: Living together without being married and without a set wedding date is all the grunt work of a marriage with none of the benefits. If you're female, chances are good you will get saddled with most of the housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry) etc....even if both of you have full-time jobs. In spite of believing themselves to see women as 'equals' all 3 of my exes still held onto some rather antiquated ideas about who should be responsible for cleaning and cooking and so forth....even though they dirtied dishes, used the bathroom, ate food, and wore clothes at a comparable rate to me. It is too easy for one or both partners to get comfortable and drift on in some sort of "sort of married but not really married" limbo for years. It's also much easier (from a practical and legal standpoint) for someone to walk out if they take a notion to do so than if they were married. Emotionally, it's probably every bit as painful. I've ended shacking up arrangements, never ended a marriage so I couldn't say for sure. If I had it to do over again...I wouldn't.

You haen't eaten anything in two days, yet you say you don't have an eating disorder. Unless you have the flu or a stomach virus, not eating for two days isn't normal or healthy. If you don't have an eating disorder now, keep up that kind of pattern and I can pretty much guarantee you'll develop one. From what you've posted, your thoughts and mindset are already heading that way. Our body shape and size is mostly determined by genetics. While we may, with a lot of effort and potentially unhealthy practices, be able to alter it some, your body is going to fight back with everything it's got to stick to its genetic blueprint. That means if you're not eating enough, your body will automatically slow its metabolism. Did you know that reduced-calorie weight loss diets, over time, tend to make people gain MORE weight than if they'd just eaten normally in response to actual physical hunger cues? Did you know there are just as many health risks that come along with being too thin as there are with being too fat? Did you know that much of what is presented as "fact" and "truth" about weight and eating and health isn't either and is primarily presented to sell us products and programs? Listen, I've dealt with this ED/body image BS on and off for the last 30 or so years. In fact, I spent the better part of 2006 working with a dietician who specializes in working with people with EDs and body image issues because I fell off the recovery wagon. The sooner you swap out your unhealthy thinking patterns for some healthy, sane and factual ones, the better off you're going to be in the long run. It's hard to do in this culture because there's a lot of insane, screwy, untrue and unhealthy ideas out there about size and diet and eating, but you can do it. Now, you may not be able to do it alone, so I'd suggest you seriously consider speaking to a therapist, dietician or counselor who has some experience working with people who have EDs and body image issues. I'd hazard a guess that there's more to your desire to be super-skinny than just wanting to look a certain way. Focusing on becoming a size 0 is a dandy distraction from the real issues that are bothering you. If that is the case, I guarantee you that even if you did manage to get to a size 0, it still wouldn't be small enough because the real issues haven't been dealt with.

BMI is NOT an accurate way to measure the state of your health for a variety of reasons. There's an entire thread about it here: For the OP....you're going to get about as many answers to "What is fat?" as there are people who answer you. It's a rather subjective determination, really. And flat numbers of height/weight don't really say much about how someone is built. Because I work out on a regular basis and have some muscle, people (including medical professionals) routinely guess my weight some 20-30 pounds LESS than what I actually weigh. If you want some numbers that actually tell you about the state of your health, learn your blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar numbers.

Depends on what type of resolution you're looking for. If you feel the need to apologise for your previous mistakes and past behavior and let your ex know you've learned from that, then it might be appropriate to write a brief note apologising and asking for forgiveness -- with no expectation of getting anything in return....not a response, or any sort of contact let alone establishing a non-romantic relationship or getting back together. If you're hoping that your realizations and apology would lead to a reconciliation, you're probably better off keeping it to yourself (or discussing it with a therapist or friend) and NOT contacting your ex. Learn the lessons that relationship provided and use them to do better in your next relationship. When various exes have contacted me to apologise or explain how they'd had some sort of realization about mistakes they'd made, it didn't move me in the least. If they contacted me in such a way that I was forced to interact with them (calling me at work, f'rinstance or just showing up somewhere they knew I'd be), I'd say something along the lines of, "Well, that knowledge should serve you well in the future. I have to go now."

No one's body is perfectly symmetrical...and 1.5 inches isn't much difference at all. I doubt anyone notices unless you specficially point it out.

Two other thoughts: >If that book had been out when I was single/dating, it might've spared me some of the "what's wrong with me?" BS I put myself through...had I lowered my defenses enough to let it sink in. >The best advice I've ever heard regarding advice was from 12 step: "Take what you need and leave the rest."

I read this book earlier this year because I'd seen other folks talking about it on here. Read it out of curiosity, because I'm happily married. I thought it would've been really great if it had been out about, oh 10-15 years ago when I was single and navigating my way through the dating world. Hindsight being what it is, though, I seriously doubt I'd have paid much attention to it then. It probably would've just pissed me off and I would've dismissed it as so much rubbish....which is what often happens when we hear something we may need to hear, but don't want to hear or aren't ready to hear. Incidentally, once you've been alive long enough, you'll realize there are hardly ever any truly new ideas. The vast majority of the time, the latest, greatest thing being peddled to the public is just some recycled idea. I've found that to be true for just about any industry...not just self-help books.

I blame Burger King. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out on this one. Way back before the 70's, things were offered a certain way and you accepted that. If you didn't like it, you came up with a solution on your own. You didn't expect the world to bend to your will and give you exactly what you wanted. Then Burger King comes up with this advertising campaign. They started telling people "Have It Your Way." It came along with a cute little jingle that got pounded into people's heads..."Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us...." Great ad campaign, and it did highlight something BK did that other fast food places didn't do at the time. But I honestly believe that it started the seeds of people thinking they should have exactly what THEY wanted, how then wanted, when they wanted. To keep up, other fast food places, and eventually other businesses, followed suit further reinforcing some sense of entitlement. From that mindset, it's not that far a leap to not treating others well. After all, they're just "obstacles" to getting what you think you need. And while I am only partially serious about the Burger King Theory, I still think there's some grain of truth in it. I've also noticed that the more kindness and compassion I exercise in my dealings with others, the more kindness and compassion is extended to me by others. Oh, sure, I still run accross the occasional horse's behind, but I console myself by thinking that most rude behavior is not intentional...rather it's absent-mindedness or someone having a bad day. If I start believing that people are behaving badly *on purpose* it really puts a damper on my day...and I refuse to give that kinda power to someone who may have just had a temporary lapse in their manners.

I don't know that you did anything "wrong," really. Some people just aren't cut out to do LDRs. I couldn't do an LDR. I need someone to be physically there to interact with in person on a frequent basis to build a relationship with them. When I first met my husband (online) he lived about 2 hours' drive away. He picked up and moved to where I was about 3 months after we started dating because even that small distance was unmanageable long term. In fact, I almost didn't agree to a date with him in the first place because the distance between where I lived and he lived made him geographically undesirable. Fortunately for me, he was persistent and decided on that first date that he HAD TO be with me (he proposed a week after), and was more than willing to follow through and do whatever it took to make that happen -- even if that meant uprooting his life to move it to where mine was. Perhaps you are trying to do something that your own personality would rather you didn't. LDR's work for some people, but I think those folks maybe don't want a "full time, all-the-time" kind of relationship in the first place. Nothing wrong with that at all...if that's what both people truly want and that's what fits into their lives, that's cool. It's also different when a situation comes up where a couple undergoes a temporary separation due to something like a work commitment (If I remember right, shorty20's husband is in the military). I see that as being different than meeting someone who currently lives somewhere other than you do and trying to build a relationship with them. Perhaps you should do a little digging within yourself and see if maybe the whole idea of an LDR fits in with what you'd ideally want. If it doesn't, and you intend on staying in this relationship, someone's going to have to take the leap and move. If this relationship ultimately doesn't work out, then you might want to look a little closer to home in the future.

Ok, so as I see it, here are a few options: 1. He's got a gf, and it's been some incredible series of coincidences that things aren't adding up (no calls, never home when you call, etc) 2. He doesn't have a gf, but he's telling you he does for whatever reason. (possible reasons: he's delusional, he wants you to believe there is someone else, he wants to carry on multiple relationships or put forth the image of carrying on multiple relationships, etc) 3. He's got a gf, but she doesn't care what he does when he's out of her sight. Y'know, a healthy relationship isn't this complicated. Do you really want to spend the remainder of the time you're with this guy trying to figure out if he's lying, what he's lying about, why he's lying about it and what's really going on? Dang, girl...sounds exhausting just reading it. Are you sure you don't have something better to do with your time?

Good point. While the stats you cite may have a lower divorce rate for certain religions, you also have to take into account that those folks choose to stay in a religion that has a long list of restrictions for its members. Point is, these may be folks who are more likely to "tow the line" because an authority (no less than God, in this case) says this is how things should be. The ramifications and fallout of a divorce may be much less desirable to that kind of person than a person who is of no fixed religion, f'rinstance. Just because people stay married for a long period of time doesn't mean they are happy or in healthy relationships. My parents have been married for over 40 years. Last I knew they'd been sleeping in separate rooms for about the last 15 years, have very little (if anything) in common and don't seem to even like each other very much. Some people would say staying together for that long is success in and of itself...but personally, I couldn't see living like that.

It's only been 2 weeks. That's not really very long in the larger scheme of things. So, of course, you're still sifting through the emotional fallout of the break-up. Technology has spoiled us. For those under a certain age, you don't remember a time when things weren't instant, open 24/7, and what you wanted when you wanted. While these things have made life more convienent (and I certainly wouldn't want to go back to, say, snail-mailing my bills), they tend to make us think that physical and emotional healing should be instantaneous, too. That's not the case. The heart and spirit will take the time they take to heal...and the key IS time. By all means, if you feel you could benefit from some counseling, then go. I suspect, though, that what you're experiencing is still well within the range of "normal" after a break-up. If you're still like this in a month or two (or longer), that might be a bit much. But, then again, we all have our own timetable for healing. Have you tried doing the time-honored things to help yourself? Remember: Distraction Is Your Friend. Take a class, find a new hobby, get a make-over, let your girlfriends help you by keeping you busy, plan a vacation, pick up a part time job....those are all things I've done when I've been post-break-up. And while I may not have been 100% into them at the time, looking back, they were therapy in their own right.

Standards of beauty have changed throughout the centuries. Mostly what the changing "ideal" seems to be is whatever most people at the time are not. When most people were thin (due to lots of physical labor and little food), fat people in general were seen as the ideal...the thought being they were wealthy enough to not labor and afford enough food so as to have excess. When most people labored outside, a pale complexion was considered attractive because it meant you had enough means that you didn't have to work outdoors. Now, food is easily available in Western society and we are held up images of gals who look like they could use a good feeding and could stand to spend a little less time at the tanning booth. In another 50-100 years, it'll all change. Back to the younger men/older women topic, though... My husband's 11 years younger than me. I wasn't looking for a "younger" man and he wasn't necessarily looking for an "older" woman. My main concern when I first met him was that he would not have the same relationship goals I had. This was my concern with ANY newly-met man at that time in my life. I knew I was ready to be in a relationship that included marriage...and sooner rather than later. I was 37 at the time and he was 26. I didn't think a 26 year-old-guy would share that goal, but this particular 26 year-old-guy did. As for what anyone outside the two of us thinks of the age difference...well, it doesn't really matter to me. The day they have to live inside my skin is the day an outsider's opinion will make any difference. Until then, they have every right to have their opinion....and I have an equal right to ignore it.

Oh, dude...I feel for you. BTDT. Had an ex who just didn't get that it was OVER. In this case, I think the phrase "cruel to be kind" fits. Anything less than a very blunt, direct "Do not contact me again, ever." will leave the door open -- just a crack -- in his mind. I wouldn't go into how much you hate him and why. Keep it direct and simple. Something along the lines, "Kindly leave me alone. Any future contact from you is unwelcome and will be ignored." Then follow through on it. No response from you ever. Because, for some people, even negative attention is attention....and it's enough to keep them hoping.