shes2smart

Well, it's a little late now. As one of my favorite sayings goes, "Even the Almighty God cannot change the past." So, you have a decision to make....can you get past her trip and what may or may not have happened while she was away (for your own peace of mind as much as hers....and assuming she's not going to make a habit of doing things like this)? If you cannot express your hurt/angry feelings about it and let it go, you may be better off ending the relationship right now. Why stick around if it's only going to get ugly with you finding ways to "punish" her for something she cannot change until either she or you is fed up with that never-ending game. Dunno about you, but personally, I have a really hard time living with myself if I stick around someone who continually makes me want to behave like a horse's behind. Oh, one other thing...was this trip planned before you started seeing her? If so, I'd say you're on shaky ground with this wanting to punish her/being pissed off thing. Back when I was single, I started dating a guy in late January...well, he was seeing several other women and before he met me he had planned to take a trip with one of them in early February. While I was interested in him, and I wasn't too keen on him taking that trip, I did have to acknowledge that those plans were made before I entered the picture and it really wasn't fair for me to insist he cancel them just because I happened along. So, he took the trip and I never asked about what happened and he didn't tell me. I ended up having a relationship with him for about 2 years, even with that shaky start. Honestly, it wasn't the greatest relationship, and in retrospect I probably should've bailed at some point shortly after he returned from that trip. I know what I'd do now if I had it to do over again.

My husband is 11 years younger than me. The last bf I had before meeting him was 18 years older than me. My experiences in both of those relationships alone shattered any generalizations I may have made about potential mates because of their age. As long as both you and your potential partner are of an age to be considered legal adults where you live, what's important is how the two of you interact and get along and if you have similar relationship goals. That being said, age is an important factor for some folks and they will exclude people out of a certain age range from consideration for romantic relationships. That's fine...they have every right to make that determination for themselves. It's no different from having preference for "tall" or "blonde" or "short" or "fat" or "Christian" or whatever. It's when people use those preferences as excuses to treat others poorly or be rude or mean to them that it becomes a problem.

With the career stuff alone, your plate is pretty full. You don't need the additional stress of dealing with the guy and his weirdness. Put yourself first and cut your stress by cutting him outta your life.

I looked over your original post again. You said your last day at work is Friday and you're not sure what you're doing after that. Are you leaving on your own volition or being asked to leave (like a job cut or the job ending)? Reason I ask is when stuff like that comes up -- when our future starts to look uncertain on one or several fronts -- we will sometimes create relationship drama to distract ourselves from the real issues. I know I have been guilty of this. Heck, I had an alcoholic bf I went back and forth with for years and I could always count on him for a dandy distraction from the real issues. I kinda wonder if you're doing this to some extent, too.....

You say to you need to end things with him, so what are you waiting for? No time like the present. Stop calling him. When he calls you, tell him you'd prefer it if he didn't. Don't let yourself keep getting drawn into this. Unless, of course, you like the drama.

On the contrary, what you did was very right. But only if you want to be able to move forward with no bitterness, lingering doubts, resentments and anger to complicate future relationships. If you want to keep carrying that baggage forward with you, then you should've held onto that grudge until your cold, dead fingers were pried off of it.

Oh, you silver-tongued devil, you.....

For the most part, I don't keep in touch with my exes. There is one exception, and I have remained friends with him since our split 15 years ago. He met every guy I had a relationship with since I broke up with him. The guy I ended up marrying is the only one my ex liked. In fact, they liked each other so much that when we all lived in the same city, my husband and my ex would go do stuff together without me. When my ex got married and we were all living in the same city, we would go out to dinner and socialize with them on a regular basis. The gal he married is a lot of fun and a better match for my ex than I could've ever been. They drove 2.5 hours to come to our housewarming party a few months back. He's still in touch with my family even though I haven't spoken to them for years. When we first broke up 15 years ago, we didn't speak to each other for about a year. It was an odd set of circumstances that got me to talk to him again. Had those circumstances not occurred, I'm not sure I would've sought him out. In hindsight though, it's fortunate for me that it happened the way it did. He's been a truly good friend and has managed to teach me a thing or two along the way. So, yes, you can be friends with an ex...but I don't think you can be friends with EVERY ex.

If you don't want to risk going the FWB route, here's something else you can try that may take the edge off the desire for physical touch....go to a licensed massage therapist. There is something about having the relaxing, non-sexual touch of a professional massage that can satisfy what I used to call "skin hunger" in a way that doesn't involve anything that might be damaging or risky on an emotional level. Try calling salons/day spas or chiropractors where you live to get the names of some reputable LMTs and some idea of prices.

Having done the FWB thing a time or two, it's been my experience that it can work ONLY when certain circumstances are in place and ONLY for some people. Basically, you both have to be very clear & honest about what your intentions are. As long as you're both on the same page about your intentions and the nature of the relationship you're creating, it can work. The other thing about FWBs is they tend to be short-lived arrangements. I've never had one go more than a year tops. If you can separate out your need for sex and physical contact from your need for a full-time, full-scale loving relationship, an FWB can be something that bridges the gap until you can find all of those things in one person. FWBs can also work well if you are at a stage in your life where you don't have time to create/maintain a full-blown relationship (like if you're very invested in your career, f'rinstance), but still want to have sex with someone who's more than a random stranger. They won't work for everyone, though. Folks who aren't keen on separating out their need/desire for sex and physical contact from the larger context of a relationship will not find FWBs satisfying. And if either you or your bed buddy aren't being honest about your intentions/goals...well, that's just trouble waiting to happen.

Did it twice. Once was ok. Nobody ever found out and when we decided to end it, we went back to being co-workers and nothing more. Then again, I had worked with him for 10 years before anything happened and he was a really cool person who had his #$%@ together to start with Second time. Well. It wasn't the main reason for me leaving a job I'd been in for over 15 years, but it was a contributing reason. Looking back on it, I'm just thankful it didn't get any messier than it did. It was bad enough when it was going on, but it coulda been a heck of a lot worse and I was very lucky it didn't. From experience, I think it's best to keep a nice, thick wall between "work life" and "personal life" as much as possible. There's a reason they say "Don't get your honey where you get your money." While it does work out well for some people, I'd say it doesn't work out well for the majority of folks who choose that path. Edited to add: Also, many companies have a written policy regarding co-worker dating...check that before you do anything. If it's a part-time job you don't see yourself staying in for the long term and/or you don't really care if you lose/quit that particular McJob, then I doubt there'd be any compelling reason for you to put on the brakes.

People may tend to stay away from others who give off negative vibes -- be they angry or depressed. So, that's probably a part of what you're noticing. The other thing is that your own perception of things is changing since you've started the medication. While you now notice people looking at you and interpret that as positive interest on their part, you may have interpreted it differently prior to taking the meds...even if the other person's actions were exactly the same then as they are now. So, f'rinstance, before you may not have noticed if they were looking at you...and if you did you may have automatically assumed that they were probably looking at someone else OR they were noticing something negative about you. People might've also been trying to strike up conversations with you at the same rate before as they are now...but prior to the meds, you may have been more withdrawn into yourself and not picked up on it or your self-talk might've been such that you convinced yourself they were doing it out of pity or because they wanted something. While both factors are probably coming into play, I think it all starts with your perception of events. If you percieve/interpret your surroundings as friendly, open and receptive to you, you're going to choose different actions than if you perceive/interpret your surroundings as hostile, unfriendly and belittling you. Psychotropic meds (like Zoloft) alter your brain chemistry and that, in turn, alters the way your brain processes information thus changing your perception of what's going on around you.

If one girl is good, two is better. Although, I doubt any hetero guy really wants them to be lesbians. If they were, they'd have no interest in or use for him.

link removed It's not something that is done unless there's a reason to have it done, though...so, I'm not sure what your mom was talking about when she said girls used to have it done on a regular basis. I'm 42, started having periods about the age of 13 and have been diagnosed with PCOS and I've never had one. (The wikipedia article claims that the procedure is commonly done on women with PCOS) Follow up with your gynecologist. A doc that specializes in the workings of the female reproductive system is going to be better able to answer your questions than a general practitioner or ER doc. GPs/ER docs have to know a little bit about a lot of things in order to do their jobs, while a specialist (like a gyno) is going to know a lot about one specific area in order to do their job. Although, going to the gyno this much after the fact isn't going to be so much a "finding out exactly what the heck happened" as "check me out and make sure I'm ok so it doesn't happen again." One other thing to keep in mind: Although we'd like to believe that doctors have all the answers about the mysteries of the innerworkings of the human body, fact of the matter is that medicine is as much "art" as it is "science," and a lot of times they're just guessin'. Now, due to their training, a doc may be able to make a more accurate guess than you, however, I've found my experience with docs to be much better when I look at them as someone who's going to work with me rather than an all-knowing authority. I have to take the responsibility to know my own body, what's "normal" for it, and learn (to the best of my ability) how it functions. That means doing things like researching conditions I've been diagnosed with or drugs I have been prescribed, or reading about general health information like the difference between viral and bacterial infections and things I can do to avoid them and even stuff like eating a healthy diet and making sure I exercise on a regular basis.

As difficult as it is, don't take it personally. Some people prefer not to have any sort of regular contact after the relationship's over...even if the relationship ended on an amicable note or for reasons for it ending had more to do more with circumstances (like distance) than the individuals involved. I don't think anyone ever "forgets" an ex...but there are folks who believe what's past is past and shouldn't be part of the present. With one exception, I don't have any contact with my exes for just that reason. I harbor no ill will toward them, I do not hate them, nor have I "forgotten" them...however, I do feel their part in my life is over and we both have other places to be now. So, I hope they are happy and well and tending to their present life wherever that may be and whoever that may be with...and leave me to tend to my present life.

Yup..."limited contact" Usually suggested in the context of when the people breaking up have children. They cannot go NC (no contact) because of visitation or other issues concerning the kids that require them to communicate with each other. I suppose it could also apply if you dated someone you worked with, broke up, and still had to work in the same place and deal with each other there.

I got the impression from your intial post that there were more romantic-type intentions than that. If you just want to PM someone to say you liked what they wrote or empathize with their situation, fire away. Nothin' wrong with that. If my own experience here is typical, there are plenty of folks who PM back and forth with each other and strike up online friendships through the site and that's not a problem. Going beyond a friendship is where it gets dicey, and that's what you need to be careful about.

...and the older you get, you realize the proper question to ask is NOT "Do they have baggage?" but "Does their baggage match or compliment MINE?" You answered your own question in the last line of your post: Personally, I think anything beyond health status information, what someone did sexually before meeting you is a strictly off-limits topic of discussion. I've seen too many threads here that are similar to yours -- a person having problems dealing with some sexual thing their current partner did in the past....from specific acts to number of former partners. I'm really convinced that no one should offer up or ask for that kind of information beyond what you need to know for health reasons (HIV/STD status, date of last test, etc) or things you would need to know for mental health reasons (like a past rape, f'rinstance). Any more info that that usually causes more problems than it solves. It seems most people cannot handle or process that information if it is different from what they think it should be.

Before you do anything, I'd strongly suggest you think about the nature of this website. Many of the folks who post here seeking advice are in varying stages of recovery from relationships gone bad in one way or another. They are what I call the "walking wounded," and, as such, they are not really in a good position to create a healthy relationship. Since I do not know which member you are talking about (nor do I want to know), I don't know the specific details that brought her to the site, etc...but I'd urge you to evaluate her situation AND your own as objectively as possible, and try to honestly figure out if you are both in any sort of condition to be able to create a healthy relationship at this particular point in time. In the year I've been on the RM team, I've seen a few enot relationships crash & burn...some in a most spectacular (read: messy) fashion. If I was single, I wouldn't be lookin' to meet a potential romantic partner on here...too much of a risk of hooking up with one of those "walking wounded." To me, it'd be like looking for food in the dumpster behind the grocery store instead of going into the store itself...I might find something good out back...but I'm more likely to find stuff that's not really fit for my purposes. 'Course, that's just what I'd do. While using the site as a dating site is strongly discouraged, people will tend to do whatever they feel is right for them at the time.

I vote for time not being a factor. For your own peace of mind and well-being, I think it would be best if you operated on the assumption that she is not going to come back, and move forward accordingly. I don't believe anyone really "forgets" an ex...but they can know they are finished with the relationship and have no desire to continue it/go back even before the actual break-up occurs. Do you still have contact with your son? If you want to be part of your child's life, you will have to maintain a sort of "business" relationship with your ex...but don't expect that it will ever become anything more than that.

Perhaps you could look into some short-term individual counseling to help you figure out what you need to figure out? That being said, I'd look as counseling more as a "figure it out so I don't end up in this situation again" than "figure it out so I can move on right now." You don't need to figure it out to remove yourself from the situation. There are reasons why you stay. There were reasons why I stayed as long as I did. A lot of my reasons had to do with my own beliefs about what I felt I deserved (which wasn't much) and my own desires regarding the relative "controlability" of my partner....'cause God knows, you can't control an addict. Your reasons may be different than mine, they may share some similiarities. Right now, it's enough to know you DO have reasons that make some sense in your internal logic, even though they are not the healthiest options for you. If we're not in the habit of making emotionally healthy decisions for ourselves, it feels really weird and difficult when we decide to start making healthier decisions for ourselves. But working through those difficulties and doing what we know is healthier (even if it doesn't "feel right") is part of the process of changing those habits.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I used to be involved with an alcoholic. It was a lot of drama, a lot of back and forth, a lot of me footing the bill for everything....in short, a lot of the same things you're describing. All the way up to the similarity in difficulty booting his butt to the curb and not looking back that you're having. What finally did it for me was something so small, yet so profound, that it accomplished what literally years of pain, fights, drama and my friends telling me what a loser he was couldn't do. I was writing in my journal, when I made the following observation: "I have now been involved with B for # of years. It occurs to me that I have spent 2/3 of the time I have been with B trying to leave him. Do I really want to be sitting here this time next year and find myself writing, 'I have spent 3/4 of the time I have been with B trying to leave him?'" Turns out the answer to that question was a resounding "No." Somehow, seeing it in those terms that I scrawled in my journal (2/3 of the entire time I'd been with him I was trying to get out???) was the thing that made the light bulb go on. That was, oh, a good 8-9 years ago now. I'm now married to an addiction-free guy who is the doting husband and responsible partner I really wanted and we have a strong, healthy and relatively problem and drama-free relationship. The last time I heard anything, my alcoholic ex ("B") is still actively addicted and shacked up with his parents. He's 44 years old and can't get or hold anything better than a minimum wage, unskilled job...when he bothers to be employed. I'd say I'm in a much better place having left him when I did.

Talk to the doc who prescribed your pills. There may be a different brand or formulation of pills that would work better for you than what you're currently on.

Somebody who is already aware they are kinky probably isn't going to find your Domme desires scary. Submissive men are by far the largest percentage of the population of the out & public kink community. It's not hard to find one. Dominant women are the smallest percentage of the out & public kink community. Now, finding one who you are compatible with and who is looking for the same things you are may be another story. Unless you are living in a very small town or rural area, I'm fairly confident that there's a real time BDSM support/social group that meets on a regular basis in the general geographic area where you live. You might want to try doing a search online and getting information on a munch* in your area. (*munch - a casual gathering, generally in a party room in a local restaurant where you have a meal and conversation with kinky folks. It can be an unstructured conversation or a moderated discussion or a guest speaker followed by audience Q&A, depending on what the individual group's leaders like) I have seen some of your other posts on different topics. If you are truly interested in purusing the idea of being a Domme (and btw, there are Dommes who DO NOT have sex with their male submissives but play with them nonetheless), you might find it beneficial to meet some like-minded people in your general geographic area f2f. If you're looking for potential relationship interests in "normal" mainstream society, and you want something kinky/fetishy, it will be like looking for a needle in a haystack. If you limit your search area to folks who are aware and open that kinky/fetishy is what they want, then you don't have to have the awkward conversation about "look, I'd really like to smack you around a bit in a happy, fun kind of way...but I'm not a psychopath..." You're already on the same page and that makes the search process less awkward and cumbersome. That's a big part of the reason I stopped dating vanilla when I figured out I was kinky. If you and a person of interest are both at a munch, there's a much better chance that you might both be after the same thing than, say, a random person on the street or at a bar or whatever. Now, it did take a while to find someone who had similar relationship goals as mine within the context of kinkland...but I don't think it would've come together as well had I been looking outside of the population of self-identified kinky folk.

I discovered my kink several years before I met him. He'd had an interest since his teens, but no willing/interested partner. His first wife sort of played along with his interests til they got married, then she wasn't interested anymore. They got divorced because he caught her cheating on him. When he started dating again, he was pretty much limiting his dating to women who were aware they were kinky. I had my last 'nilla relationship in 1998. At that point, I knew that wasn't what I wanted and I knew it wasn't going to work for me, so I purposely kept my romantic interests/adventures limited to folks I met through the kink community (both online in real life). He ran into me on a BDSM website. It was not a dating site (although some use it as such, I wasn't), the site had message boards like here....sort of an "enotalone" for the kinky crowd. He found a nearly empty profile of mine (all it had was my age, gender, marital status, general geographic location and my yahoo messenger ID) and he IM'ed me on yahoo. We chatted online and on the phone for a few weeks, then went on a date. He proposed a week after that and we got married less than a year after that. That all happened about 5 years ago (been married 4.5 years of that). Best thing that happened to either one of us.