Velveteen

He's done so much for me that this is the least I can do, in fact I feel guilty because looking back I can see all the warning signs but I guess I just was too afraid to confront them or him. I feel I've left him down... I asked her if she had ever given any threath to leave before or anything and she said no this was her first time. WHen I did kind of mention was there any hope - she hesitated but said she just couldn't. My feeling is that it was very hard for her to break up with him, and that now she's done it she can't think too much about other options. If you can understand what I'm trying to say. She hasn't hinted that it's temporary. She's feeling like that's it. But I can't believe it. And my brother definitely can't. I know that the main thing is for my brother to get help. My feeling is that for now it would be ok for him to have the hope of a reconcilliation and on that get help and treatment for himself. And hopefully as he regains strength and confidence that if they don't get back together that he'll be strong enough to deal with it then. In reality I'd love it if they could find themselves together again, and it hurts to think that I may have to decieve him about this, do I have any other choice?

I have just discovered that my brother and his girlfriend of 7 years have broken up. My brother was always like a hero to me. His girl-friend (ex) called me and told me that she felt she had no other choice but to break-up with him. It seems that for the past couple of years he has been suffering from clinical depression and that he's had leant on her heavily for emotional and finacial support. None of his family realised this, he kept a very good pretence up and lied about his work and emotional state. Even though she loves him she couldn't see a future for them but said he is her best friend and that even in the lowest moments she loved being with him. But that she had to do it not only for herself but for him too. Now he is begging for another chance and is truly a mess. He spoke to me last night, its so hard for me to hear my big brother crying that he loves her and that if he didn't have the depression he would have married her by now but that he's lost her. But he is still clinging to the hope that she will take him back. I don't understand why he didn't come to me when he was down, as I have depression also. I would always go to him when I was feeling low and he helped me so much and in truth I doubt I'd be here only for him and yet he felt he couldn't come to me. My main worry is how do I deal with his questions of how he can get her back. From speaking to her I felt that even though she still loves him she is afraid of what her future would be like with him and feels that he has let her down too often. But I don't want to destroy all hope in him because this is all he has left. He hasn't worked in a while, even though he is highly qualified and his friends are not near him, so she really is all he has at the moment. I've already told him that he mustn't continue begging her, he must respect her wishes and that if he gets professional help, gets his life back on track and perhaps move back to where he's most comfortable then perhaps she will begin to see the man she fell in love with again. (She doesn't want to lose contact with him and even suggested that he call up to her once a week to watch tv etc and she would continue to call him). My husband thinks I should ask the Ex-girlfriend directly whether she would give him a second chance. What do you think about this??? I'm not sure how to take what she said to me. Does she just care about him as a friend or do you think she's hoping that he will change?? I know that my brothers problem is not only that he lost his girlfriend but is far deeper that this, but this is all he can focus on. My heart is broken because i love them both so much and they seemed so well suited. And I'm so worried for my brother and his mental state. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

It a fear of failure and being alone, and making the wrong choice, if things would only change...

I mentioned my concerns to him last night, needless to say it ended up the way I thought it would. I was at the doctors yesterday as I am suffering from insomnia for the past while. Its been diagnosed to be from stress. Currently I have a few stressfull things going on in my life. Which includes the problems in my marriage. I just said to my husband that its important for us to have complete full lives and that neither of us can look to each other to provide everything. That i need to be able to see my friends and that he has to trust me. When I had a bad day, or felt upset, he could listen to me. That sometimes maybe I needed to be comforted. I can never talk to him if I've had a bad day, or if I feel down because his response is ... It's worse for me. Well .. surprise.. He started talking about how he can't believe what I just said... do what you want... I'm glad we know where we stand now... and... What do you think it's like here for me...](*,) So it ended up with him calling his mother and telling her all about me and what I said, including what the doctor said, which I can't believe. He kissed me on my forehead saying I love you, and left to visit his friends and left me sitting and crying, and feeling guilty. I had a long bath and took a sleeping tablet, when he came back a couple of hours later he came up to the bedroom and woke me up. (knowing I haven't had more than 4 hours sleep a night in over 2 weeks) He asked, does this mean we are over?. I couldn't answer him I just said, you left when we were talking and now I need to sleep. Lovely wknd to look forward to.....

I know I probably enable his behaviour, I'm not sure why, I know I have / had a co-dependancy problem before and suffer from depression which I'm medicated for (which he wants me off and says that he'll help me, and that theres no reason to be depressed!!! ) That makes me angry when he thinks its all in my head. . If I'm truthfull the majority of my past relationships were not heathly at all. There has been controlling issues before and I always swore I'd be more carefull, but this has surprised me because it was disguised by caring and once again I didn't see it. I don't want to make out he's evil, he's not and i'm not perfect but he's just so stubborn and has the ability to make me feel like I'm wrong. It probably is just a clash of cultures, but I know he's adament that my 'old' life is not acceptable to him. And it's not like I want to go out clubbing and getting drunk, I'd just like to feel that he trusts me, and that I could go out on my own with my friends and know he'd wouldn't be angry at me after. I'll think it over a bit, and maybe try to talk to him over the weekend. I don't want to play games with him or us. I just want to feel 'at home' when I'm home and feel relaxed when I'm with him. I don't know, I've opened this up now in my soul, and I feel its going to erupt. I'd love to take a break - but once again - it wouldn't be allowed!

Thanks for your quick replies. I did enjoy times with him before, he was always a little insecure/jealous but its just become more obvious since we've married instead of better. I guess I am a little - "omg Im married"too. I'm an easy going person and hate to cause friction so end up doing things or ignoring my feelings and going the way of least resistance. And now basically I spend so much time justifying my actions that I don't feel relaxed with him. I do try to understand that he's away from his family and friends, however this doesn't make it right for him to lean on me so much. does it? He has 2 friends here who are from his country too, which he goes out alone with. It is true that where he comes from women are looked at slightly as a possession and need to be looked after, which he knows I don't agree with. He knew what my life was like here and what I was like. I have compromised but its like he always wants more. I don't want to walk away from this but I just don't know how to sort this out. Anything I'll say he'll take as a direct criticism. And when he's angry he just won't talk to me at all. Sometimes it seems that he can do as he pleases as he's a man but I'm the inferior un-trustworthy woman. He is very good to me but we just seem to have different ideas on my role in this relationship. And I often find myself saying things like ... I can't / couldn't to something because I wouldn't be allowed. It like I'm back in childhood, and yet I look after all the important things like sorting out finances, bills etc. How would I go about bringing any of my issues up with him? I know it will end up in a slanging match and he'll end up ignoring me and I'll be sobbing my heart out or emotionally dead from it all. Thanks again for the help....

Hi all, I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site for a while but I've only just registered. My problem is so long it would probably take a book to explain it all so I'll try to shorten it. I was in a relationship for 3 years that ended when I found out he was cheating then I met someone in a very short space of time, he is from a different country / culture but I felt happy with him, he wanted to be with me all the time, cared for me, was sweet, I felt so loved and needed and we got married after 6 months. Now I did love him and maybe I still do, but our differences lately seem to be all I can see. Perhaps it was a slight rebound but its all a bit late for those type of regrets now. But sometimes I miss someone who I can really talk to and enjoy myself with, I just feel like I'm acting all the time I'm with him, there's no joy in my life. He doesn't trust me at all. Which really hurts me since he knows what happened to me. He's always asking 'do you love me'. When I say of course, he responds with, 'No you don't or other similar comments. Since I've been with him (a year) I haven't been out without him once. His idea is why would I want to go out without him etc. His insecurity and jealousy is driving me nuts. Whenever I brought this up he says that he can't help it and my previous behaviour is the cause of it. By this he means the 3 -4 times I went out with him and friends, got drunk and probably because of feeling so hemmed in I went a little nutty and we argued. And he accuses me of flirting, which I honestly don't even know how to do! Of course I was sorry, I know binge drinking isn't good, but then I wouldn't have done that if I wasn't feeling so stressed. Its like now I'm his wife then thetas it. Ur life is over. When I go home from work, the way he asks questions is like an inquisition. Did you go into town? Who did you meet? Any calls? blah blah blah blah blah. He makes me feel guilty for nothing. His behaviour was worse before, checking my phone, my bag, angry because I wouldn't go to bed the same time as him. Thats all stopped but now all we do is sit at home, no real talking. He gets the questions over with and I just don't feel like talking to him at all. And he makes me feel inadequate; I feel I'm not living up to his standard. For cooking, cleaning, sex, managing money, supporting him because 'he's only in this country for me' as he keeps reminding me. He hates the town we're living in, which is where I grew up, and wants us to move someplace else. But I'm afraid of being completely cut off from everyone. And there is no way I'd move to his country. I know he loves me but he's suffocating me, but I know if I say that to him he'll leave. He couldn't take that at all. Even if I have a problem he always has to ask if it's to do with him. I can't even be upset over something and he thinks it has to do with him. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe a clearer view of the situation. Theres loads more to it, but its very hard to type it all without rambling, I'm not even sure this makes any sense. I just hope I haven't got myself into another mess of a relationship, which I have managed to do all my dating life! Oh God please don't say I've done it again.....