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houdini

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  1. CrushedinIndy, Not sure if I should congratulate you or send you my apologies!!!! I guess you can answer that question for me right???? Well I hope you're doing better, I came accross your post today and I can't imagine how much that must have hurt to find out how your exwife disrespected your marriage and love. In time you will look back on this and thank yourself that you made it through, you deserve so much better and in time it will come again....Just be patient!!!! and take care of yourself.. Houdini
  2. Hootz, When I went to see my therapist with the issues you've just stated he said "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't" I know it's kind of a cold hearted response but it's true. The best way I can look at it is this way: You've stated to her your feelings and what you want and if you havn't already let her know then you should tell her your feelings and what you want your future to be together BUT that you're going to respect her wishes for the space and that you're going to concentrate on yourself to make YOU a better person. You telling her this is laying out YOUR plan as to what you want for YOUR life, if she can't meet those plans or help you work on thos planse together then she will let you know and YOU will be already on your road to recovery and a better person at that. No need to wait around being the nice guy if she doesnt appreciate it and respect it. You deserve more and you deserve the best when it comes to a relationship. As the old saying goes "You never know what you have until it's gone" I know as cliche as it is it is very true. Give her something to open her eyes a bit and show who YOU really are but don't directly towards her do it for YOURSELF.... Your new attitude and selfworth and confidence is one of the most attractive and sexy thing one person can be or do. She will not want another woman to benefit with the new and improved you and will make her see both sides of the fence and not just her side. Keep us posted Hootz and congrats on the "kiss"!!!!!! Take it slow my friend and have some dignity and self worth!!!!! YOU deserve only the BEST!!!!! Houdini
  3. I wouldn't give to much, I know some people might think of that as a game but it's based on the push and pull theory. The more you pull towards you the more she'll push away. It's sad I know but people are like that and that's a known fact. It's ok to be nice but if it's out of your character to do that she will see it as manipulating and playing the part. You need to be yourself, don't do anything but be there for the kids and for her when she reaches out to you. If you keep acting like the "Nice Guy" she will eat it up because right now she has her cake and eating it too!!! She gets her friends and she has a "nic guy" at home cooking dinner and bringing in the wash. Can you imagine what she tells her girlfriends???? She's got it made Hootz, so why would she want to change anything. You have to have some dignity, you deserve the best and you deserve to be loved like you want to love and if she isn't capable of doing that for you right now then you need to take the stand. That may seem hard but why torture yourself over and over again for soemthing that isn't wililng to give you 100% back???? Hootz, We're all here for you and we're not trying to discourage you in anyway. I'm happy that you've got one foot in the door with your lady but you also got one foot out. Where is your wife at??? is she inside the house with the foot trying to bring you back in or is she standing outside the house doing nothing????? Keep us posted man!!!! Houdini
  4. No problme Redsuede, That is what scares me about dating again in the future. The thought of dating a woman, going through the phases of letting them know that I have 3 kids from two failed relationships doesn't seem very attractive to me and I can't imagine that it would be to a woman either. Although I do feel that a woman is more accepting to the man's child or children because of the "motherly instict" and maybe for the fact they will have alone time because the kids will be with the mother most of the time. I wasn't to sure how successful it is for women who have 3 kids with two different fathers and how that will come off to men. I can't really give my opion because I'm a bit biased because of my own situation.
  5. Redsuede, Please explain what you mean or if anyone else can explain what is meant by "The one that has it the worst is the one still wearing the Rose Colored Glasses" Thanks!
  6. I've read on other forums and the internet how people percieve single parents with a single child or more. And I guess it seems that people find it hard to date people with children if they have no children of their own (Especially women with kids). A single man with kids has it a bit easier from what I've read only because they do not have their children except for the visitation schedule. The woman has the child or children the majority of the time and thereforeeee requires the women's "new" partner to take on a bigger responsibility. So to answer the last question, Even though I have 3 kids I wou'd prefer to date someone with no kids or just one child. Maybe that's being unfair or asking to much but it's not easy with 3 kids of my own and if I met someone with more than one child it would be hard and I've been through that already and I'm not sure if I want to go that route again. Not only did I lose my ex, I lost my son and her two daughters whom I got attached too over time.... I don't to come off as being shallow but I believe most men would shy away from a woman with 2 or more kids. Although there are men out there that would ( I was one of them) most men do find it difficult, they may want to have fun with the girl for a short time but long term is unlikely... Hope this doesnt get anyone mad, I just wanted to get peoples opinion on how men look at women with kids and how women look at men with kids in regards to dating them. Houdini
  7. Hello, I've been dealing with the breakup for over a month now and I'm on day 17 of NC and even though I have my emotional rollercoaster of emotions, today seems a little better than yesterday. I was thinking this morning who has it more difficult Men or Women in regards to moving on and dating again when there are children involved (3 children, ages 4,8 and 10) Me and my ex both have two daughters around the same ages from previous marriages and me and my ex have a 4yr old son together. I know I may be looking to far into the future but I was wondering how men and women percieve single parents with 3 kids.. Who has it tougher the man or the woman. Any opinons would be appreciated. Houdini
  8. In my 35yrs of life and the relationships I've had I've only broken up with 2 people and that was after years of torment,cheating,lieing and physical and emotional abuse so there was no remorse there when I left. If a relationship isn't going anywhere, or neglect then you address these issues and you work to make it better...Our emotions, our heart our feelings need to be handled with care, you just don't walk away so easily without giving it everything you've got. Life is to short to let love go so easily.... When abuse is involved then of course you get out because it's unhealthy.... My point I was trying to make is, I was good to my ex, we have a son together and I loved her two girls from her previous marriage. I wasn't abusive, we did have our problems like any relationship and we have alot to lose. My complaint is how do people seem to think that the grass is greener on the other side and throw away a chance of having a good family if she would have just put in some effort...Like may of others out there she chose the easy way out and left me with a bunch of cop-out excuses. I guess I'm one of the very few that takes relationships seriously and will exhaust all efforts before quitting and walking away.....
  9. Hello my fellow prison mates!!!!!! I say prison mates because that's what it seems like. We're in this prison of heartbreak that our ex's put us in, someone we loved so dearly basically threw us in a prison cell of hell and took the key with them. Little do we know that we hold a duplicate key that we can chose to open up the cell, walk out and be FREE!!!!! Some of us chose to stay in the cell hoping the one we loved comes and sets us free, those of us that chose to stay in the cell call out to our ex's to save us, set us free, help us, come back!!!! All they say is "NO"..it's to late I'm done, I'm not in love with you anymore..... What gives these people we loved and trusted the right to smash our hearts into pieces, walk away and be happy????? Some may say that the dumper feels remorse and heartbreak too but it's really hard for me to believe this because I've been the dumper in 2 relationships and even though you feel bad you walk away happy because it's what I wanted. People don't do things on purpose to make themselves sad or unhappy so why would a dumper be sad after dumping us, they did it because tehy wanted to and thats what was going to make them happy. All I can say is that my ex shattered my dreams and future hopes of having a family with her and my son and our daughters. She chose to try it alone or take a chance with someone new. Relationships take work and if you're in a stage of relationship where things are tough then you work together to fix the problems and build a better relationship. The wrong thing to do that so many people seem to do these days is take the problems in the relationship as a sign, a sign that the relationship wasn't meant to be and is looking for that intial high you get when you meet someone new. In my case, I'm not sure if there is someone else or not but my gut feeling tells me there is even though she's denied it. If this is the case I wonder what the future will hold because all I can think about is her, the new guy and the kids being one happy family....... and I'm here alone left to pick up the pieces of my heart, my life and my soul with barely enough strength to move on, I love my son and her daughters, why would she chose to cut me out of their lives. Life is so unfair, especially when you loved someone that wasn't always the greatest person to you but you loved them to no end. Only for them to step on your heart and smash it into a million pieces and then walk away with no remorse. I havn't spoken to my ex in over 2weeks and it feels as if I just vanished off the face of the earth to her..... Why do these people get off the hook so easily and we're left in this prison of hell trying to fight our way out??!!!.....It's just not fair!!!!! Sorry for rambling but I had to get it out...today's been a bad day for me!!!! Houdini
  10. I agree!!! My ex went from loving me, can't live without me anymore, wants to move with me...then one day!!! POOOF!!!! she's gone, changed her feelings and is not in love with me anymore. It's like someone kidnapped the one I knew and loved and replaced her with a shell that looks like her and talks like her but has no heart like she once had....It's very confusing and heart breaking to say the least. Makes you wonder what were they thinking prior to making this drastic change and what gave them the strength or the final straw to push them over the edge to break up.......Maybe we'll never know the real answers, or maybe we already know but to afraid to accept it or see it....
  11. I would get the key back but wouldn't reply. But if you feel the need to I'd send a simple reply of "thank you for the nice comments" Keep it simple,sweet and to the point. What she's doing is testing you to see if you take the bait. Don't give in to her games even though you may not think she's playing a game or she may not even think she's playing a game. It is what it is and unless she's contacting you to reconcile then there is no need to contact you. If you're ready to be friends, emotionally accepted that you're ready and you can move on with just being her friend and nothing more then by all means stay in contact with her. If you're not ready then stay away from her and keep working on yourself and your life and let her go until she contacts you with the words "I want to work things out with you" anything less than that is and should be unnacceptable to you and your heart. Again,Don't fall prey to her mind games and let her tug on the strings to your heart when she feels like it. Cut the strings, take back control and show her YOU can be happy without HER. Keep us posted Houdini
  12. I just read your post and you have 10yrs with your mate. You were the one who broke up with him meaning you did not want him anymore and thereforeeee sending him on his way rejected by someone he loved. As man myself and in the same situation as him, it is a tough feeling to deal with and we upset,angry,bitter,hurt,depressed (just to name a few). Why would it be his responsibility to contact YOU if you were the one to end things with him? He has respected your wishes to end things and is living his life I assume. I understand you want a man who has the balls to speak to me, he's had all this time (if he loves and misses me so much) to pick up a phone or better still knock on my door and tell me that in person But what gives him that right after you clearly stated you do not want him anymore. I do not agree with his way of handling the email situation and I sympathize with you on how rude he was to you. If he did love you like he said he did, he'd put aside his anger and would have sent a more pleseant email to you. I hope this response does not come off rude but I was just wondering how a dumper would expect the dumpee to be contacting them after a breakup. I feel this is probably the same way my ex is thinking right now because of how stubborn and hard headed she is. I hope your ex matures enough to talk to you in a civil and loving way if he indeed truly loves you... Best wishes! Houdini
  13. Devast, I bet your ex is exactly like my ex and this is what I fear too. In my past with my ex we've stopped talking for a day or two but it was always me that would initiate the contact again, apologize etc even if it weren't my fault. My ex is stubborn and full of pride and would rather cut her right arm off rather than apologize or admit she was wrong. This is what fears me also because I'm on my 13thday of NC and I'm afraid that we might be playing the "Who's gonna contact who first game"..I'm in NC for myself and she would be in NC for pride....What to do!!!!!
  14. Hello, I've been reading the book by Blase Harris "How to get your lover back" It suggest in some instances to go against the preffered method of NC and self healing. The method Blase Harris speaks of is "loving your lover back,100%" which in some cases means contacting the ex with small well timed gestures (Cards, a flower, significant gifts that only she or he woud know the meaning) This is all a bit confusing, I know NC is meant to heal ourselves,to move on and to give our ex's exactly what they asked for. The book is centered arround a dumpee that had done wrong (Neglected, fear of intimacy,rejected etc their partner) Which has been my case (Atleast this is what she told me her reasons for breaking up were). Is it possible to love your lover back? or is NC the only way to go for our own personal healing and to help our ex's see what they're missing or losing.... PS. Any comments about the book and success stories please let me know. Thanks, Houdini
  15. Great post, one question or comment though.... I can relate to the comment: ("we keep beating ourselves up and attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole. We are going against the grain") But how do you get past the fact that the reasons it wasn't a good fit was because of our own personal issues,problems and hang ups that prevented us from being who we truly are or can be? Everyone has faults and sometimes it's hard to let go of the one you love especially if you know that we both had our problems that if we had taken the time to fix them we could have had something special....thats why it's so hard for me to let go... Now back to the comment of the "Square Peg/Round Hole" If we aren't happy with ourselves, change our faults,personal problems,become a better person and we're the "square peg" any relationship in the future is going to be a "Round Hole" no matter who we meet, perfect or not because we're still the same person. So.....Why not spend the time and effort to change who we are and make the relationship work with the one we know we loved especially if there are children involved. I think a person has to be honest with themselves, truly honest with themselves and ask if there was anything they could have done different to possibly turn that "round hole" into a "square hole" and make a perfect fit... anything is possible if you try!!!! Mario aka Houdini
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