mahlina

Yup. Why should a woman be with her man if she's not going to have faith in him, right? Everytime I see my aunt's face, when she's around her husband, it just looks as though she's always ready to put his balls in a jar. Their marriage is so unhealthy. I know that this list applies to girlfriends, but I think that it also qualifies for a wife. It's just too unfortunate to see how he has to put with her. Also, I think it's important that women understand the boudaries of relationships too. Like knowing their limits, and realizing that relationships are about a 50/50 share. Some women give too much in relationships, which I think, may end up being unhealthy as well. Didn't mean to take over the thread, so posters, please feel free to add your opinions. Nice topic Muneca!!

I agree with those comments. I also wanted to add: if she has faith in her man. That's what makes a girlfriend a good girlfriend, because if she believes in her man, shows that she has faith in him, then hopefully, in turn, he'll have more faith in himself. That's what relationships are about, encouraging each other. That's what keeps it strong & healthy. I've seen relationships where the woman constantly puts down her man. She doesn't have faith in him, and treats him like a dog. In the end, he loses his own self-esteem. It's too unfortunate. thereforeeee, to be a good girlfriend, ya gotta have faith and stand by your man.

LoL!! How funny! If I had to chose something 'ideal,' I'd rather keep it simple. I think that keeping marriage proposals simple is more meaningful, rather than doing something extravagant. That in itself, makes it more romantic. Why do people have to be superficial about their proposals? I think it's more romantic when proposals are done traditionally ( i.e. asking the parents for approval, even if they don't approve). By doing so, it just shows that the other partner is serious enough, and selfless enough to consider the 'in laws'. That to me, just shows a deeper meaning of respect and reverance to the true meaning of marriage and family. I don't know if you've ever seen the show "A Perfect Proposal" on TLC. I keep on thinking to myself, why go through all of that mess? I wonder how long that relationship will last. I know it's romantic and all, but if you truly love someone, then why would you have to show to the whole world that you love that person so much? Why does it have to be so superficial? What's there to prove? I prefer to keep it simple and have proposal where both partners are just cozy and comfortable with each other, like at the beach, under moonlit stars. I wouldn't like anything to be heavily orchestrated. Then it would feel too fake. But that's just my 2-cents worth! Mahlina

My best advice: be yourself. It's always important to be you, no matter who it is that you're getting to know. Let everything go naturally. If the relationship's meant to happen, then it will. There are no tricks or rules to 'seduce' another partner. Sure, some people might use those tips in the beginning as a way to attract the other partner, but what things ultimately boil down to is: the other person accepting you for all that you are. That's the most important thing: to be true to yourself, no matter what. If things work out, then great. If they don't, then at least you can walk away and be happy for the fact that you can walk away without feeling any regrets. Also, there are always plenty of fishes out there, if all else fails. At least you can walk away feeling optimistic. However, on the other hand, if two people hit it off right from get go, then things will naturally work out for itself. About having it grow into a more 'serious' relationship, that usually requires time. Try not to rush into romance. I know that it's nerve wrecking at first, but enjoy the relationship for the time being. If you want things to be exclusive, then perhaps you guys can kind of hint it to each other. See what happens. Meanwhile, keep the relationship light-hearted for now. Build those fun memories by doing something fun and exciting. My best advice: be active: cook dinner together, go out dancing with each other, joke around, be sexy and flirtatious with one another, go to the arcades, basically, anything that keeps you in touch with feeling young, exuberant, and passionate. Those little memories of laughter and happiness will last a long time. Good luck to you! Mahlina

You gave a good example. I get what you're saying. I also agree with what was mentioned earlier about giving people a chance. Everyone's different in their own personality, set of style, ways of doing things in their lives. A grouchy person might have that mean exterior, but deep inside, they're just as nice as everyone else. They might not always be up beat and happy, but that's their way of dealing with things. It's natural that we feel comfortable around cheery people, but they also have their bouts of sad moments too. I personally like to be around people who are in between cheery and grumpy. Some people who are too cheery, I mean excessively, hyper-cheery, they kinda bug me sometimes. They physically wear me down, when I watch them act too hyper. But on the other hand, people who are excessively bitter and pessimistic, I can't be around them either. They emotionally wear me down, by being too negative. thereforeeee, a perfect balance in between is nice. I agree with Tough Girl, treat others like you want to be treated. I'll give you an example: I go to the local deli, and this lady's got this mad look on her face. I don't try to judge her. I just think, "She's probably grouchy because she's making sandwhiches all day, and the customers don't give her the respect that she deserves." So I give her some compliments, strike up a conversation with her, smile, be polite to her, and towards the end, when I pay for my food, she's smiling & appears happy. Some people (like my grouchy friends) may initially say: "Well, she's unattractive. She's probably an incompetant person. That's why she works at a deli." It's really not good to go off based on prejudgements, because we don't know how everyone's situation is like. That's why I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. We meet people in all walks of life. It's really easy to say, I want to stay away from this category of people, but in reality, everyone's different. They all come from different backgrounds, different socio-enonomic levels, different situations, struggles, etc. thereforeeee, it's important to be sensitive to others, by understanding that we are all unique. Treat them with the respect that they deserve, and in return they'll respect you the same way. I tend to like people who I call are 'social-chameleons' people who can blend well with different types of people. I get along with them best, because they're in the middle between excessive grouchy and exccessively happy people. Nice Topic. Good points.-Mahlina

Trojanman, I don't get what you're saying. My point is, if someone truly loves you, they won't ever stop loving you. No doubt that love won't be the 'same,' but you will always care for them, and they will always care for you, vice versa. Maybe not in a romantic way, but in a loving and caring, friendly way. They got your back, and so do you. I've been blessed to have met someone who cares for me that way, and I care for him the same way, but more of a bro-sis kinda thing. It's complicated, but main point: true love is unconditional. It might not be romantic love, but is genuine enough to say that that person is actually sincere, honest, and caring. Someone who you can trust, a true friend.

Love is real. It just takes time....Anyone who's offering tidbits of love in the beginning, by offering these whirlwinded promises and romance, those are the types of people to run stay from. Ex- anyone offering marriage, or claiming to want to marry you from get go, run away from them. Be careful about that kind of sweet talk. These lines are often used, when you're in some kind of conflict, and the boyfriend wants to earn brownie points. That's not true love. It's deceiving. When someone's genuine about their love for you, they say it when they mean it, when the time is right. They don't just say that they love you out of no where. If they do, then it cheapens the effect, and I'd be very cautious about their motives. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is....When you encounter someone who you care for, and know for a fact that they are a liar, do not run. Instead, walk away. It's good to be aware of who is/isn't genuine and sincere about their love. You're doing the right thing about being 'aware', but try not to let it consume you. Love is real. People will come and go in our lives. Guys who truly love you, will stay. Their love is true forever, no matter what happens. That's what loves all about. It's limitless. Mr. 'Right' might not be here today, but he will be there tomorrow. Trust me, you'll run into numerous romances and heartaches in your life. Even if it's true love, that's not enough to say that 2 people are meant for each other (personality wise). But it doesn't mean that love isn't real. Just know that it does exist, but try not to feed into pessimism. I know that it's hard, but trust me, you'll be surprised the next time you fall in love (even if you swear to yourself that you won't ever, EVER let yourself fall in love again) .It will happen again. Give yourself time to heal. You'll be fine....

Wow. Your mom sounds like my mom. My mom's very nice to people, who we call in my own language, 'people on the outside', those who are not family. It's funny isn't it? How can they be so nice to other people, but come home and take out their stress on us? Why? I personally feel as though a lot of families don't want to admit that they are dysfunctional. If anything, there are probably more dysfunctional families than what's protrayed. In reality, we think that people 'have it made', they live 'perfect lives.' Reality: people don't have perfect lives. I truly enjoyed reading your post. It reminds me of how life's a struggle. I've been through a lot of -ish in the past as well. Did not like my mom's b/f's whatsoever. Mom and dad didn't quite get along as well. Dad was really sweet, but passed away. Mom just always ran into these weirdos. Dad's not alive. Two parent income on double shifts, down to single parent income. Child stays at home and fends for self etc., etc. I've been through it myself, and have ran into friends that have been in a similar situation. It's this odd paradox, and a part of what we call 'life.' That's life for ya. Sometimes dysfunctional maybe something quite 'normal' for some people. Try to not lose hope k Citichik. You know that you are strong. I doubt that our relationships with our mothers will change. It will still be the same, even when we're over 40 and have kids of our own. Mamas will always be mom's, and will always somehow want that little bit of 'power' or 'authority' over their daughters. Since you're the eldest of the three, you pose a greater threat because you're turning into the woman that doesn't need her. You're leaving the 'empty nest' (actually, you left it a while ago, for quite some time even as a kid). This is all her way of dealing with her 'frustrations' by dumping it on you, especially because she feels powerless as a mother. Just my 2-cents from personal experience. Hope this helps. Hang in there. Mahlina

Good Question. There's two types of guys who I define as jerks, the "wanna be jerks" and the ones who are 'naturally jerks." Based on my experience, yes, I agree with you, some ladies do have a tendency to find jerks attractive, but that wears off after a while. The guys who I met, who are naturally jerks, tend to have this natural style of charisma. They have this sense of knowing how to 'woo' women, and they do it so well. They act like 'nice' guys at first, but deep down inside, they're cold blooded snakes. The other set of 'wannabe jerks' that I met, tend to be rookies. They think that if they walk around with some kind of degree in their hands, that the whole world should parade and bow down to them. They 'try' to be charming, key word, 'try', but in the end, they luck out with women. They're just rookies. (If anything, their uptight, rude attitude is what scares women off. They think that it's masculine and sexy, but it's just the oppossite of what attracts women.) My point is: jerks or not, women will get fed up with it. The wannabe jerks are just easier to detect. Women naturally avoid them like a plague. They don't give them the time of day. Smooth jerks, what I often call 'the player' are harder to decode. Once women understand how the smooth jerks 'operate,' they also develop a distaste for these men too. It's just a matter of time and experiences. Most women don't know how those smooth jerks work. Once they do, they treat them like the phony, wannabe jerks. They kick them to the curb. lol All in all, nice guys do win. It might seem like it as much at first, but it's mainly because women have not had the opporturnity to 'experience' and actually 'decode' those types of cold/decieving behaviors. Btw, it's so true about how you mention how we badmouth about guys who hurt us. I have a friend who does the same thing, but she keeps on coming back to him. My theory is, sometimes it takes people 8 times to actually 'learn' their lesson. It's all a matter of time. Be you. Let your personality shine through. Women dig genuineness in a guy, someone who can naturally let out his personality. That's more charming than anything. Be proud of who you are, and forget about those jerks. In the end, it doesn't matter: nice guys are the guys who win.

Tell me about it. Kids are growing up sooo fast these days. I guess Pop Stars like Britany Spears and C. Aguilera are to blame. It's the age of 'idolizing' pop stars and trying to live out 'their' life. Sad actually. Who wants to emulate shallowness and materialistic attitudes? And to walk around practically naked to the whole world? I'm sure that they have lots of wonderful assets to flaunt, and take a lot of pride about supposedly celebrating 'womanhood'. So do lots of other ladies, but they don't need that kind of attention. I wonder how those kids feel like when walking around like that near their uncles and grandfathers. Talk about respect. Geez, I guess. I had my first French kiss when I was 14, and stopped everything else, from 2nd base and anything beyond there. At least I knew my limits. Now, I see kids posting to ask advice on enotalone asking about "How to give my b/f's the right b.j.?? How do I hump him the right way?" Not exactly phrased the that way, but ya get what I mean. C'mon now. Please. Whatever happened to morals?! I could've hit the sack at that age, but chose not to. So why can't they? What kind of people are they emulating these days. Of course not all young teens are doing this, but I also notice the 'increasing' trend. I used to work as a Rec. Leader at the elementary schools. Last time I went shopping, I see these kids who I used to take care of at work, little 6th graders, shopping for thongs. Literally, they saw me, and felt emberassed. But thongs? V-strings? They weren't even 7th graders. Only little 6th graders for goodness sakes. And to be shopping where I shop? For their age? Holy crap. That's not right. (It's not some kind of kinky lingerie store or anything. The fashion was more of people my age, not theirs.) I think that it has a lot to do with what kids see on T.V., images of people that they idolize. No wonder this capitalist society feeds on sex, money, and fill in the blank ____, immoral behaviors. It's sad. I wish the controller's of mass media could push for more of T.V. shows that promote and teach about family, love, and respect. Instead of promoting lifestyles of these horny hudlums, who are sooo fixated on this 'image,' and are just out there for themselves. What kind of new generation of young folks are we breeding here? Good Post. Great Points. -Mahlina

I know what you mean. It's as if there's often a 'perfect imbalance' in the beginning of any relationship. Have you ever read Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus? John Gray talks about the same concept, in which he calls it the push-pull effect. It's really confusing. Sometimes you just want to give up and say "to hell with it all". Very frustrating. I read that the push and pull effect does die down, after a while into the relationship. It's true. After a period of time, when ccuples are more comfortable each other, they become more 'attached.' thereforeeee, those feelings of 'feeling the need to pull away', will lessen with time. I don't buy into everything that Gray says, but do believe that 'time' is the determining factor. My only advice for couples who are going through this, is to stick through it and be patient. It takes two people to make or break a relationship. Honesty's the most important ingredient in any healthy relaitonship. So communicate and resolve issues whenever possible It just takes a lot of time, patience, and effort from both parties to make any kind of relationship work. Good luck to ya. Hope this Helps, Mahlina

Wow. Hi Romantic Sweetheart, welcome back, I think that a lot of this has to do with the mental abuse that you're putting up with this partner. I see that you feel isolated, because in some ways, you rely on him, but in return, he lashes at you, calls you names, and in a lot of ways, it's demeaning and degrading. You feel powerless, right? That's the toughest feeling. Especially when you feel as though you're down to nothing, you've lost everything, the person that you used to know, your confidence and ability. In reality, those shattered feelings of emotions are temporary. They're 'in the moment.' I still see lots of potential in you. For one thing, you are a great writer. Your post flows well. Maybe you can go back home to your mom, and go back to school and take up some classes for literature. I still see that passion in you, but you're just stuck, temporarily. Try to stay away from that so-called friend. If he was truly your friend, then he'd be more compassionate about helping you to 'find' yourself again, and rebuild on a 'new' and 'stronger' you, instead of tearing you down emotionally. Friends help friends improve each other in life. That's a real friend. Someone who's out there to help you to protect your safety, and you vice versa to them. Hang in there k? The only way that it can get better is if you cut people like him out of your life, and find that inner child in yourself again. Your inner child is your true happiness. Dig deeper and you'll find it. This process will take some time, but the little confidence that you gain, the more you will have to carry on and be stronger in your daily life. Everly little step of the way counts. I wish you the best of luck. Take care...

I've never been married, so I can't really relate on that level. But what I can say is, based on what's mentioned: Telling her won't make the situation any better. It's opening more doors to more possibities that can be self-destructive. If you tell her, then what do you think will happen to your marriage? She also has a boyfriend, so how do you think that the vibe will feel like at work? Do you think that it will get any better, or any worse? That's why developing personal relationships at work is not often the best choice. Another thing, do you feel as though you're married the 'right' person. Maybe something's lacking in your marriage. Perhaps work is causing the two of you to spend less time with each other? If that's the case, then I would drop the co-worker, and try to rekindle what I have at home. I know that it's easier said than done, but in most marriage vows, it's "Until death do us part." Meaning, you stick with each other through thick and thin. Your wife is now your other half, thereforeeee, try to meet eye to eye with her on that. I know that you're trying. That's good. So keep it up. Also, weigh out the pros and cons of about this whole situation. In 20 years, do you think that these feelings for the co-worker will remain signficant? If so, then perhaps you and your wife can go through marriage counseling. Try to think long term about this situation. If all else fails, then you'll have your answers. I know that temptation works in mysterious ways, so try to gain rationality behind all of this before you'll regret something that you can potentially lose. You'll never know what you have until it's gone.

Hi MissJBug, Some fathers are like that when it comes to showing their 'true emotions.' My uncle was often like that with his family. He resembled much of Donald Trump's personality, straightforward, business oriented, appeared unemotional, but beneath it all, he truly loved his family, espeically his kids. My advice to you: cherish the moments that you have with him today, and for the rest of your life. You will never know what's going to happen. His condition with Hep. C is bad enough. Try not to hold grudges against him k? When my uncle passed away in a scuba diving accident, he passed away so suddenly. It was a sunny day, like any usual day. The last time that his kids saw him alive was when he dropped them off at school. Next thing you know, hours later, his body's in the autopsy room at the hospital. Their biggest regrets: Like any teenager, they often got into those little quarrals with him. Then he's gone. They didn't have a chance to resolve their problems. I didn't get a chance to say my last words to him. He was my biggest mentour, my replacement for my father. Love your father today, because he may be gone tomorrow. My father passed away. Somedays I still hold onto the little memories that I have of him. Even though I'm not a devout Catholic as I used to be, sometimes I go to church just to hold onto a part of him. It's my way of holding onto the past. thereforeeee, don't do anything that you regret not doing. Life works in mysterious ways. So cherish what you have today, because your life can change when you least expect it. Cherish his words of wisdom, because once he's gone, no one will be able to tell you those words like he did, not to the same effect. Take care. I hope that your father will be okay. -Mahlina

I think it's okay to date a close friend. Fear's one of human's biggest flaws. We are our own worst enemies. Some people constantly lie to themselves in their daily lives, forbidding themselves from doing things that they know is 'right.' I think that there are more pros than cons if you do consider dating her. If you don't give it a chance, then you will never know. Even if you do, and all else fails, then at least you'll realize that you tried. It's sad to see how some people lie to themselves. They end up settling and marrying the wrong person, knowing that they passed on the chance of marrying the love of their lifetime. In the end, they end up going through a divorce. It's a sad twist of fate. Some people say that life is what we make of it. I agree. But I also think that we're thrown situations in which the answers are in front of us, but we keep on denying ourselves because of 'fear'. Some people just settle. That's why I see that it's sad for the other partner who they settled for. It's as if they're labled as mediocre. No matter what, I hope that people will always be happy with the decisions that they make, and make the best of any marriage that they commit to. I dislike seeing the growing trend for divorce rates. I think that as humans, we all want to find that special someone, who we're truly meant to be with. So I say, be true to yourself and give it a shot. Best of luck & keep us posted.

*choked up* Deep story. The author writes eloquently. Reminds me of living life without regrets, and saying things that should be said before it's too late.

Hi Cassie, I'm shy when it comes to guys that I like too. What works best for me is to tell the guy ahead of time, "Just to let you know, I'm shy when I first meet people (in actuality, I mean shy around him, guys who I have a crush on). So if I have my moments of shyness, it's not you, it's me. That's just how I am. Thanks for understanding." I really can't help it. The more I like a guy, the more I'm shy around him; it's unexplainable. It takes some time for me to actually be myself around a guy I like. I know how it feels.

Thanks Cassie. I enjoy reading your posts too. I don't mind sharing my age, but just feel depressed when I think about it, considering the fact that I'm still financially dependent on my parents. I'm old enough to drink, younger than 25, and born the year that former President Reagan took office. LoL. I feel as though I am over the hill!!

What I look for in a guy is the 'bond.' That's the ultimate thing that I'm looking for. The chemistry's either there or it's not. I also need to find him attractive. If not, then I can't hang. I already learned this through experience, having gone through a 4 year relationship. I based everyerhing just the oppossite of what you look for in a relationship. I based it on 90% emotional. In the end, for me, not initially finding him physically attractive really took a toll. I cared about him, but he started to become more like a brother more than anything. (Not that women didn't find him attractive. Physically, for me, it just was not there no matter how many times I tried to ignore it & make the best out of the whole situation). Other things that I look for in a guy: 1. Morals/Values- Do we share similar political/religious views? What kind of person is he? Is he honest? Does he try to rip people off, and think that it's okay? Does he road-rage or steal? Is he respectful towards people? Does he make rude comments about waiters/waitresses? Does he say things that appear to be stuck up or conceited? These are just the subtle things I notice in a guy. It's the little things that a person says or does, that says a lot! 2. Passion- Are we truly into each other? Can we intellectually engage in deep conversations? Does he have any kind of passion in life? Any interests? I enjoy a bit of sponteneity. Or is he just lazy? Does he enjoy simples things like going out to the arcades & watching movies, or going to the beach? Does he mind going out to dance? I'd love to have a guy who'd love to have a bombass time on the dance floor! 3. Responsiblity- How responsible is he? Is he commited to family? If so, then he'd probably be committed to 'our' future family (if we do end up having kids). Does he take pride in finishing some kind of education, or acheiving certain career goals? Or is he waiting on his mom's apartment complex so that he can inherit it, & do nothing with his life? 4. A Best Friend- Do we share that busome buddy bond? Can we both give each other enough space, but also rely on each other? Can we make up easily, if we get into little arguments? (Fights are healthy sometimes, but not all of the time.) I'll probably never run into my image of 'ideal', but I can't settle for less than what I listed out. After learning from a few sour relationships in the past, that's just a list that I gathered from those experiences, and no matter what, I will strongly stand by it for a looong time.-Mahlina

Wow. I can't believe what I just read. Sounds like me almost. What I can tell you is, maybe you of 'grew out' of the phase that they're going through. My friends are like that. I was an early bloomer, thereforeeee, what they find 'enjoyable' now, I don't find as much excitement in it. I know what you're talking about, in terms of that circle of friends who hurt you. You know what? I don't understand why some friends do this. To me, those who do betray others, especially if you give them no reason to hurt you, their attitudes resemble much of a superficial, 'high school' mentality. Use what happens as a weeding out process. Not everyone that we encounter in life will be nice. It's the right people that are hard to find. They do exist. It takes some time in figuring out who is or who isn't. This will happen naturally, and depends on your personality/outlook on things. Maybe your values are different. thereforeeee, in some ways, the true bond isn't there. I personally feel like a geezer for my age. For some reason, I tend to bond with people who are not my age, but are about 5-9 years older than me. Friends my age, often call me for advice. Other than that, I honestly don't always feel that true connection with them, only to a few, but not to a lot. What I see is, these pseudo-close friendships are based on 'short-term' goals. Meaning, we all have frienships that stem from some kind of commonality, but some are more meaningful than others. If we have friends who we go out to bars and dance clubs with, then perhaps it's more of a friendship that's more 'for fun,' superficial. I have friends in which, we prefer not to do anything extravagant. Instead, we like to do other things, like hanging out at the beach, or just hanging out at each other's pads in general. Those friendships tend to be more meaningful. However, we're all dispersed because of college. I guess this is all a matter of time, and chance in stumbling accross the right people who we happen to feel as though we fit in the same nitch. Talk to people who aren't your age. I have this one friend, who I feel that I bond with. She's 32, but doesn't look her age. Her values are different from most of my typical friends, thereforeeee, I feel as though we bond more. Or, you can hang out with family more often. No matter what, family is family. You'll often enjoy their company (i.e. cousins who are around the same age, or baby cousins. Sometimes if you talk to kids and treat them like adults, you'll be surprised of what they say. They catch onto things pretty quick.) Sorry if this got a little wordy. Had coffee earlier. I'm tired, but can't sleep. As a result, I'm up all night! Anyway, hang in there. You sound like a good person. Don't lose hope. We will always have our good days and our bad days. Take care! Mahlina

I agree with all of the other posters. Based on experience, my friends and I have our share of encounters with the married men. My friend went through with exactly what you're going through. Says he's 'in the process' of divorce. They end up hooking up, and then he dumps her. Turns out, he didn't end up divorcing his wife. I warned my friend, but she didn't want to take my advice. At least she learned, I hope. In my case, I realized things ahead of time, and prevented anything from happening. What I learned from that experience is: don't believe what person tells you, unless if their actions speak louder than words. A person can tell you anything that you want to hear, as way way to sugarcoat their behavior. Once they convince you that things are innocent, that's when things get nasty and uglier. Every inch that they get, they will use it to their advantage. thereforeeee, play it safe: avoid getting too close to married men in general. In my case, especially if they're offering 'friendships' just as some kind of emotional support. Or in my friend's case, 'claiming' to be in the process of divorce, but are still living with their wives. These are just some of the obvious warning signs. My last and final word, think about the potential dangers. I doubt that a married man would just want to leave his wife so easily. I think that some married men (not all okay), like the thrill of assuming that other women find them sexually attractive. (I know temptation exists, but as humans, I think that people should be abe to 'control' their urges.) Basically, keep things clean in your life. You don't want to get mixed up in anything that's potentially messy. Last thing: I asked my friend a series of questions when she went through what you're going through. Maybe you can ask yourself as well, "How do you know if he's just telling you that they supposedly have problems, but in the end, they're happily married? He has kids for goodness sakes! What makes you think that he's willing to forfit his child's needs for some kind of side fling? How do you know that he's not just lying to get you in bed? Look at his actions ______(her name)." I repeatedly told her this over and over. She didn't take my word for it, until he broke her heart. Basic life philsophy: Keep things in life simple. When something sounds too good to be true, then be careful. You'd rather live life knowing that you lived it to its fullest with good intentions, rather than getting involved in something that you knew that you could've prevented ahead of time. Don't do anything that you will regret. Keep your life pure. That's how you will find truth and happiness. Cherish what you have now, because that inner peace may be gone tomorrow. Take care.-Mahlina P.S.- I also try to learn from other people's mistakes. My friend's life basically went to hell after this incident happened. It just seems as though she's constantly looking for a 'quick fix.' I wish she didn't complicate her life by getting involved with that guy. So please try to take our advices into consideration okay? We only add our input because we care.

Good question. Love is really complicated. There are different types of love, love for a boyfriend, friend, stranger, homeless person; it's a feeling of compassion. In terms of what you're asking, when or how do we know if we love someone, or if it's infatuation, I think that 'time' is the determining factor. In the beginning, it's usually infatuation, especially if you're starting out as 'two' complete strangers. If you've been friends with this person in the past, then it's probably less of infatuation, but more of a strong/mature love. Infatuation to me, is quite normal in the 'beginning' of a relationship. It's when you feel as though it was or is, "Love at first sight." "Some kind of fate or force that brought us together." It's a period of puppy love. Just a couple who feel as though they're two kids falling in love all over again. It's mysterious. The chemistry's either there or it's not. Eventually, as the initial 'excitement' burns off, and the realities of life hit you, when the person isn't going to be at 'their best,' that's when true love starts to develop. It's when couples help each other in their daily stress. They begin to rely more on each other. It's as if their other half is someone who they look forward to spilling their guts to, by the end of the day. It's mutual. When both partners recognize each other as their 'bestfriend,' one who understands them inside and out, not just the physical and emotional attraction, but the mental and all of the above combined, then that's slowly the start of 'true love.' It's mutual. Not always equal, but mutual enough to consider it a 50/50 partnership. In the end, when couples learn how to work problems out by communication, and truly make an effort to build onto their relationship, beyond infatuation, and give themselves whole-heartedly, that's when you know it's true love. It takes a lot of time and patience. Sadly, in some cases, if there are too many problems within the relationship, for some people, their partners become more like their brothers/sisters. I have an ex who we were together for 4 years. We've known each other for 7 years by now. First year as strangers, now the 7th year as almost 'bestfriends.' However, our relationship grew into more of a bro/sis relationship. (I just can't look at him in the eye and feel that same 'physical' attraction. I didn't feel it for him in the first place, then as I loved him more, it grew. But when the relationship became unhealthy, it quickly dissipated.) At least we both know that we love each other, or shall I say, truly care about each other on a different level. It's really complicated, but I respect him as a brother. Once 'both' partners reach to the level of 'true love,' that's when they can truly say that they will always understand each other in a different way. Unfortunately, some people grow up and drift apart. But no matter what, that other person will always understand them inside/out. They can read each other like a book. But, something in the chemistry is just missing. That love that they once felt, isn't the same. That's why for me, now that I've been through all that, I can truly say that it also takes a lot of 'life experiences' for a person to actually know if the other partner is 'the one'. At a young age, it's hard to decipher, because when two people grow up as adults, their perspectives in life changes. thereforeeee, a couple might drift apart, due to the fact that they are not the 'same' anymore. Ther attitudes might be the same, but their values may differ. Here are the key ingredients to love: #1. Chemistry- Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. 2. Values, beliefs, life-goals, etc. In fact, I love your topic. I wrote up my own definition of what defines love/lust, from way back when. Here's a link to it. [link removed Fine Line Between Lust and Love Enjoy. Nice Topic! Mahlina

My step-dad's family's from Japan. They don't do that. It's not a custom to do so as an apology. What does being Japanese or living in Japan have anything to do with this?

Liz22, Girl, I feel for you. I know how the pain feels. What you're feeling is not your fault at all. People may dish out a million possibilities, but the main point is, no matter what, your hunch knows that something's not right. It just stuns me how his excuse changed from one to another. I know that this whole incident will be tough to get over. The more that you love him, the more you would care to analyze the situation. Because you care, you're trying your best to find the 'right' answer to make sense of this whole thing. Does it feel as though half if you wants to stick things out/work on the relationship? If so, then basically, you have to ask yourself if staying with him is worth it. You know that deep down inside, what is 'right' or 'wrong' for you. Dating should be about enjoying each other, being happy, honest, and loving each other. When given a reason to doubt (cheating wise), that's when it's important to realize that if the relationship is not stable. It's like building a house over unstable ground. In the long run, the longer you stay, the harder things will collapse on you. I know that you're not just jumping into conclusions. People on the outside, especially strangers, might underestimate you, and automatically label you as 'jumping to conclusions'. In reality, you're the one who's in the relationship. You know what's going on. You're more keenly aware, thereforeeee they aren't, so they have no rights to say that you're wrong for feeling the way that you do. I was in a similar situation, in which the ex didn't shove his condom in his wallet, but left a open package under his bed. When confronted, he had several excuses. Some people told me that they thought I jumped to conclusions. In the end, the truth finally came out. They were wrong. My hunch was right. I regret listening to their advice, doubting my hunch, sticking it out, keeping my mouth shut, and in the end, getting hurt and screwed over. As a result, it really set me back in my studies and long-term goals. I felt as though I lost myself. I'm still repiecing what I have left of myself. I hope that things won't fall apart as badly for you as it did for me. thereforeeee, I don't want to do a disservice to you by giving some kind of generic advice. The best advice I can offer you is to: Listen to your hunch. Base your decisions on consequences that you think are best in the 'long' run for your future. Hang in there.-Mahlina

Wow! Interesting ShroudedSorrow & Sisterlynch. Thanks for sharing that with us. I wanted to add to the part where you mentioned less Salmon reproduction in the Pacific Ocean. It's really sad because if you think about it, other things that go into the ocean that's not healthy for us either (i.e. oil spills, toxic chemical wastes from factories, pollution in general). That's why I don't boogie board as much as I used to. Sure there are ways to treat those toxic chemical wastes, but how often are these companies using the 'proper' procedures for biohazard wastes? It's kind of sad to think how we can't really swim in the ocean without worrying about catching some kind of bacterial infection. After taking microbiology, it's made me ten 10x's cautious about going into the ocean. And think about it, all of the toxic pollutants get recycled into the atmostphere. In turn, all of that nasty crap falls onto our crops through precpitation. Where does it all go? It all adds up! It's sad to see that the basic things that we rely on, are chemically tweaked without us being informed. No wonder cancer rates are so high. I wouldn't entirely blame it on genetics. I think it has a lot to do with the what's going on in our evironment. Think about it. All of those wastes. All of that junk that we injest into our body systems, and we don't know it. What's up with adding Prozac to tap water? I swear. These large corporations should be penalized for 'pretending' to not know about their accidents. They have chemical engineerers who know what they're doing. I think that these large corporations are just to stingy to pay up for proper waste procedures, and finding efficient ways to produce their products without harming the envirnoment. They're too greedy to think about the long term effects on the environment, and common respect for mankind in general. Nice topic! Thanks for the info.