candianeh2000

have you ever happened to look at a clock right after waking up from a dream and then been able to remember a certain time you noticed from BEFORE falling asleep? You'll be shocked that what felt like an hour or two in a dream was actually only about 10 minutes. I'm not a dr. or anything, but based on that observation of mine, I would think that it's possible that even if he said these things consecutively, they might not be consecutive in his mind. Maybe someone who knows more about dreams could confirm or dispute this.

wow, i was in a very simalar position to what you are in. i had the fortune of not being placed in that position until we had already gained about 2 months worth of distance from our relationship. But still, it can be very tough. Unfortunately, I think a situation like this can tend to be rather divisive of a group. In my case, it ended up dividing based purely on who lived closer to me and who lived closer to my ex gf. I think the best thing to do is just keep yourself busy---you won't feel left out of something, if you are doing something you enjoy yourself---after all, then really that means your EX is the one being left out of the fun time you are having. In general, I think in a situation like this, if you can eventually become at least casual friends with your ex, it would improve the situation greatly. But I know it can be rather difficult to do this immediately. I dreaded for the first few weeks running into my ex on campus--fortunately, it didn't happen (thank god for a big school!) Perhaps talking to one or two of your closer friends in this group would make you feel better. I'm sure there are some people in your group that you feel are closer to you than they are to your ex. Don't come off as feeling needy or accusing them of ditching you. But just explain the situation, how you would really like to see them but you aren't sure that you can handle seeing your ex at the same time.

god, i am worried that I am in a simalar situation with one of my friends right now. I have a crush on her, and a few days ago, I let her know about it through my actions (doing very obvious things such as just flat out asking for hugs). While it is indeed possible this is all in my head. After all it has only been a few days, I have had barely any contact with her in the past few days and she doesn't reply to my MSN messages. It's odd because while we were together, I thought she was responding very positively towards the moves I made towards her, but now I am worried that she is freaked out or something. Hopefully I am just being paranoid, but I dont know what to do with this. So I know what it is like to "scare" off a friend. I think a lot of times people just run away from their problems too much. Hopefully, the girl in your case and mine will come around and realize the only thing we are guilty of is liking them.

Sure, I am going to ask her out on a date. I convinced myself to do that. My real question is does anyone have any advice as to HOW to do this? I never have been in this type of situation before where I have had a crush on someone for a period of time and actually decided to ask them out. I just don't want to freak her out. Any advice on what to say?

Hey, for those of you who have not read my previous posts. For the past 5 months or so, I have had a serious crush on my best friend. I was unable to make any sort of move on this crush until the past month because of geographic distance. Now were are close and I would like to do something. Basically, I have decided I have to ask her out SOON. I know people here have suggested that I be patient and come up with better ways to tell her than just plain saying it, but quite honestly, I can't take the stress of not knowing any longer. So here is what happened today. My plan was today to you know sort of get close to asking her out without asking her out (do something like hold her hand). So for the entire time we were hanging out, I repeatedly did things like put my arm around her, one time I even reached out an held her hand. Frankly, her reaction was kind of difficult to read. She didn't back away from the contact at all, and she at least seemed a little "touched" (no pun intended) by it, saying things like "awww" whenever I would do stuff like rest my head on her shoulder, or put my arm around her. Like I did many things that you know would sort of hint at the fact that I like her. I figure there are three possibilities. It should be noted this girl is REALLY shy (she has never had a boyfriend before, I dont think she has ever had a guy seriously interested in her before, and I know that she never has been close friends with a guy before me). Anyway: 1)She suspects/knows I likes her, but doesn't reciprocate the feelings---While I can imagine her not wanting to confront me about this, I still think if this were the case she should at least hint a little more at that, like move away from me when I'm all over her. 2)She suspects I like her and reciprocates the feelings just is too shy to sort of admit it (or also maybe has too low self esteem to actually believe I like her)--This possibility is obviously the one I would hope for, but I'm not sure how likely it is. 3)She is totally clueless that I like her--while this would normally seem hard to believe given how forward I have been, I actually feel like this is the most likely of the three---the best explanation is that I am basically in the friendzone--and even if she once had any feelings for me (which I am convinced she USED to have for sure), she has accepted that I (to her belief) don't reciprocate. Frankly, I am sick of trying to figure out which one of the three it is. I want to ask her out, and I believe if I do it the right way, I can indeed get a yes. Like we really are great friends. We spend tons of time with each other both on the phone, instant messanger, and whenever we can in person. I am 99% sure that she once was attracted to me at least. Plus, she probably has some curiosity as to what having a boyfriend is like (I have had one girlfriend previously). All these things combined make me feel like you know if I ask in a way that is proper, it actually WOULD make a difference as to what she say. The only bad answer I think I would get is, "well I dont want to risk our friendship" So I guess the real question is, how can I go about telling her this which would maximize my chances of success, keeping in mind that I would like to do this as soon as possible. One thing I was thinking was something along the lines of, "I have never been so close to a girl, I feel like we can be even closer".....But I dont know, maybe there is better. Maybe the way to do it is tell her how much her friendship means to me, and just put it quite frankly, that I want to spend more time with her. Any comments or suggestions as to my situation? I am sure that many of you will think that it is not wise for me to go ahead and ask her out immediately, but I need to do this. Really my question is HOW to do this, not whether to do it. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! *feeling quite lonely*

yeah, i mean that has effectively what I have been trying to do with doing things such as sitting quite close. You know do things boyfriend/girlfriend-ish and then at whatever point that I ask something, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. I guess the next step probably could be just putting my arm around her. Though frankly I feel like leaning my head on her shoulders is a pretty simalar type thing in terms of the magnitude of feelings being expressed though perhaps I'm wrong. On many levels we do act like a couple. And I just sort of wonder at what point I should actually say something about it so that we ARE a couple. Another tidbit is that when we first met, she kept telling me how she always thought 2 people should be friends first before dating. Made me wonder, is this a hint or just an observation? But I should say again, that I am her only close guyfriend (as far as I know, her only guy friend who she really has any kind of relaitonship with). She doesn't really say this any more, but I managed to ask her if she felt this way still without looking like I was asking for myself, and she said she still agreed with this philosophy. So yeah....... I guess the question is I know I want to do something. Cause the indecision is killing me. The real question is how and when. Mataney, at what point after doing things like a boyfriend would do, do you suggest I do something? Like do you suggest say holding hands or putting my arm around her (these ideas appeal to me much more than a kiss, which I am most definitely not bold enough to do!) and then if I get a positive response making my move quite soon after that? Maybe make it almost a routine thing for us to do first? Thanks for the advice so far

So for those who haven't read my previous posts (or have forgotten as it has been some time), he is a quick recap. I've had a crush on this friend of mine for a few months now. For the first few of those months, we were geographically separated, so I wasn't able to really go forward at all. In the past month or so, we have been close again, so I have been trying to proceed. Someone on here suggested before I actually ask her out, that I try to do things such as hold hands, things like that. While I haven't had the guts to just grab her hand, I have done things such as sit quite close to her on the couch (so that our shoulders and bodies are in contact) or lean my head on her shoulder.....Nine out of ten times she doesn't move out of the way. However, that one time she does move out of the way (not in a "whoa, why are you so close!?" sort of way just in a "oops, let me get out of your way" sort of way) i feel quite upset by it. So basically, I really feel like this is the time to ask her. Why wait? There are plenty of green lights. She laughs histarically at most of my jokes. And believe me, I know my jokes are NOT funny most of the time lol. I guess the only reason I am in doubt somewhat as to her feelings is the simple fact that she doesn't initiate physical or verbal affection from me to her. She just doesn't seem like the time of person, who will be overly affectionate to random people. For example, my ex gf would say things like I love you to people she barely even knew, but this girl is more restraining when it comes to compliments (though she has said i love you to me on 2 occasions). According to my parents, who have spent a bit of time with her and me together, they say she clearly has a crush on me of some sort. But then, they are my parents, maybe they are just saying this to make me feel better. My ex gf always thought this girl had a crush on me as well, but then that might just be jealousy speaking. I, myself, have thought she had a crush on me for a long time (almost since I first met her over a year ago), but then, that might just be wishful thinking. (Though I am sure her feelings have not been equally as strong during the course of the past year + we have known each other. But I often have thought she looked at me as "dating material") So then my question really is how should I talk to her about this. One thing I was thinking was to say something along the lines of, "We have such a special friendship. And I feel like we could make it something even more" Obviously I would finesse it up a bit more)[she is my best friend, and im sure she would say if not best friend that I am definitely high up there and certainly I am her closest guy friend--not sure she even has any others that she is even close with at all) The thing I like about this idea is that if she rejects me, it probably would be easier for our friendship to overcome this than if I simply revealed that I had a crush on her. However, I also wonder if this is my best chance of getting a yes from her. I feel like it is highly unlikely that she feels quite as strongly as I do (I have the unfortunate fault in that I build things up a whole lot in my mind). However, just cause she doesn't feel as strongly as I do, doesn't mean she would never consider dating me. And personally, I see no reason to move the relationship too fast anyway. Like we dont want to go so fast ahead that we can never look back and then if we decide dating was a mistake, its too late to salvage a friendship (something which happened with my ex--interesting thing there though is that my feelings weren't half as strong for her before we started to date as they are right now for this other girl) Anyway, any suggestions as to how to go about telling her how I feel? And what should I say? Should we maybe go on an outing just the two of us, and then have me say something to her at the end of it? I feel like this might be too stressful as for the whole evening my heart would be racing at 500 miles per hour.

I think ttitan's adice is sound, just seriously make sure you are certain in your decision as to which one. Cause you dont want to be in a situation where the first time anything bad happens in your relationship that you regret having chosen that guy.

it seems to me like you answered your question in your post. if you really do love your friend more than your current gf, then I would go for things with her. However, before you do this, I would strongly think about your feelings and try to sort them out, because once you make a decision you can't go back. Another thing to consider is what you should tell your other friend. Frankly, I would treat this as 2 separate issues because in my opinion they are. 1)You want to break up with you gf 2)You want to go out with your friend. Rather than that you want to break up b/c you want to go out with your friend. In my opinion this distinction is important because odds are you wouldn't develop feelings for this other girl if there weren't something you didn't like about the one you are going out with at the moment. I also raise the point because I am not sure that you want your friend to know thats why you broke up. Maybe just say something vague like, "we weren't right for each other" Only because do you want her to then be insecure if you guys go out that maybe you are interested in some other friend you have.

I think the issue kauaiangirl83 raises is a very good one. The contrast of a fight versus and argument. Personally, I would consider a fight what one of the previous posters described as ineffective fighting--i.e. name calling, abuse (physical or verbal), etc. On the other hand, any time 2 people spend a lot of time with each other (even just friends) of course they will argue over issues because no 2 people have exactly the same viewpoints of the world. This is what I would call arguing. When you just disagree with something. But at no point are the 2 people cursing at each other or so much as angry at the person as much as they are the topic of discussion. Of course, these 2 things are not entirely discreet and there can clearly be some overlap.

yeah, its really insensitive of your boss to fire you for that. its like whats the point of trying to be nice if it will backfire. sorry to hear things went so badly. Some people in the world are just not sensitive at all

i agree with you about fear. fear is a terrible emotion and most of the time when we can overcome a fear it is a good thing. whenever i play sports, I always try to pride myself on "playing with no fear" or "playing to win" as opposed to "playing not to lose" which effectively is what I would be doing if I don't pursue this girl. I will be trying to avoid losing her as a friend instead of going after her and trying to make things even better however, it is a whole lot easier to play a sport to win, as a sport is a game. i normally think in sports 9/10 times if you think you should go for it, that it probably is a good idea. However, there is that 1/10 time that you will go for broke and it backfires. In sports, its quite easy to overcome this, after all its a game. Its a lot harder to deal with this when we are talking about a real life situation! So if I do go for things with this girl, I need to figure out a way to over come this fear on top of the usual issue of just finding out if she likes me! Life is so complicated! Any more feedback is definitely appreciated. Thanks for everyone so far!

hey, For the past couple months, I thought that I really wanted to date my best friend. For various reasons, I was unable to make a move during this time (primarily because of geographic distance between my friend and me). Now we are back in the same city, so opportunity presents itself. The good news is, I believe she does like me. However, I have lost a very close friend in the past because of dating them and then things being too weird for us when we broke up to continue staying close friends. I feel like the saying, "Be careful what you wish for....You just may get it" applies here. Since moving back into the same city as my friend, I have had many doubts about whether I actually want to date her. I love her for sure. It is just we have such a special relationship it seems like it might be foolish to risk what we already have. Then again the fact that our relationship is so special also suggests perhaps a romantic relationship would be rather special as well. Obviously no one can tell me what to do or what to feel, but I am just wondering what people feel about the idea of two close friends dating. By the way, we are both in college, which is also part of the reason that I am a little skeptical. Thinking about things from a logical perspective, the odds of marrying your college girl friend are very long. So then if we did break up, what would happen? Is it possible to stay friends after breaking up? I almost feel like if we went out, it would be a terrible idea unless years from now we got married. However, when I think about it from an emotional perspective and not using my brain, I love this girl and totally have a crush on her. She and I get along so well and I think we would be perfect together. I can't really see why we would break up, but I certainly know how things can change after a period of time in a relationship. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. *torn and confused*

i actually do online gaming a lot lol, in fact as i read that message, i was in the middle of a game. my problem with organizing things is that right now I feel like this friend I may like is my only friend here (another reason that I think at least at this moment these are not "in love" feelings but are rather just "love" feelings). So it is hard to organize things in a large group simply because at the moment I don't have a large group. For some reason, I have a much easier time socializing with other females than males normally. I think this is part of the reason I've began to feel so left out. If all my friends were guys, its much less likely my ex would be friends with them as well (obviously not impossible, but less likely). I agree with you about not wanting to come off as if the friend I am talking to has been neglecting me. This is why if I tell anyone, it will be one of my friends who really isn't involved with my ex at all. So for the purpose of that conversation I think it would be the same as if I talked to a friend back home. My friends back home, I feel like they can't even find the time of day for me any more, then my friends up here are all doing things together =( Where does that leave me? I think the other reason I want to talk to this other friend is an attempt to just get closer to another friend. So perhaps the thing to do is just spend more time with her. I have this thing with pretty much everything in life. When I like something, I like it to the most extreme possible, from hobbies to people. This often is a great gift I think, but sometimes I feel like its a terrible curse. When it comes to friends, the fact that i put so much of my heart into it, just leads to heartbreak time and time again. One thing I was thinking regarding how I may romantically like this friend also is that subconsciously I am trying to get her onto my side in the breakup and that if we went out then clearly she'd be on my side. I have gone entirely out of my way NOT to say bad things about my ex to her (despite the fact that my friends have all told me all the terrible things my ex has said about me to them). Makes me feel kind of annoyed. I am taking the high road (and not just so I can say I am taking the high road though I am right now lol). I just strongly feel it is completely inappropriate to put any friends in the middle of anything (which is why I feel weird trying to organize things as well). So I feel like because I elect to not get into a competition with my ex for our friends, I lose by default. I mean logically, that makes sense (i lost since i forfeited in games terms), but like I feel like engaging in pity spitting wars through our friends is just a stupid, immature thing to do. It's almost as if I am expecting to get good karma from it, but keep getting bad karma again and again (though one could definitely argue objectively that it is indeed better than having gotten in that spitting match anyway in that after that, our friends wouldn't really like either of us after we had made up lies and stretched every truth to insult the other) I am ranting again lol. *wishes_problems_would_go_away*

hi, i am just starting a new year at university (not my first year, but still being away from home is never fun) and am at this particular moment feeling rather lonely and here is what has set me off. Those of you who have read prior posts know that I broke up with my ex a few months ago. She goes to the same university as I do. I may also be developing feelings for my closest friend who is also her friend unfortunately, while closer to me than her, they are still friends. We all go to the same university. Unfortunately because of the nature of our group of friends, almost all of my friends at school know my ex as well and are friends with her, and I feel extremely left out when my ex organizes some sort of group of friends (obviously particularly left out when it includes the friend i may be getting feelings for). Like I know the obvious answer is well go out and make friends completely separate from the ex, then this wont be a problem. But you know, easier said than done. I have had previous times in my life where I have felt left out, the key difference being that no one was trying to make me feel left out (dont know if the ex is doing it to be malicious or not, but its obviously not like i can squeeze my way into an invitation the way i could have perhaps with other friends---one thing that might improve the situation is if we could be more amicable, we haven't even spoken in a couple months, maybe time can allow us to be amicable. But then is it good to be friends with someone just to avoid feeling left out? Seems like a bad reason to me. Lately I have more and more been thinking these "feelings" I have for my friend are just loving feelings rather than romantic feelings (and also perhaps being extended by the idealistic notion of falling in love). For example, for the past week or two, these feelings were feelings that really weren't very different from those that I could feel for just a "regular" good friend, male or female. In fact, I was much happier during the past week or two cause it was almost like there was nothing to worry about! However, now finding out these things being done without me just makes me depressed. I almost feel like killing myself (though i certainly wont, thats for sure--I know its the depression talking, not actually me talking there). My feelings for my friend always seem to be strongest when something happens regarding my ex. I just don't know what to do. I can't tell my friends not to see my ex obviously. To be honest, I don't even feel quite comfortable telling them that I am feeling left out as I wouldn't want them to think I'm indirectly pressuring them (particularly the one I MIGHT like, i mean what a turn off---my plan with her btw, is to go VERY slowly, u know start out just hanging out more, stuff like that, which can probably give me a better feel for where my emotions are) Just writing this does make me feel a little better (come to think of it, I feel a lot better now than I did 10 minutes ago when I started to write this) But I still feel rather lousy. One thing of course is that I can organize things myself. Just I don't want to come on too strong to anyone. Btw, I've been told by many a people (and noticed this myself) that my friend's body language indicates she likes me. I think I just feel so isolated right now. I have never been able to sustain more than a few close friendships at a time throughout my life (its not that I get into fights with most of these people, its just I only stay close with people for a short period of time it seems) At this moment, I am planning on telling one of my friends (not one who I end up feeling left out of things she does because she only knows my ex on the surface) tomorrow if I get the chance and talking to her about this. I have talked to some of my friends back home about this, but as much as they try to help, I feel like they often aren't able to. I think I also need some female's suggestion as all the people whom I have talked to about any of this are guys. Any of you have suggestions to deal with this loneliness. I just feel so terrible right now.