mahlina

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It takes A LOT of effort on YOUR part doing what your'e doing right now. You have A LOT to be proud of. I can see that you love your GF a lot. As an outsider, I don't have much insight as to all of the what, hows, and whys of the relationship..only thing I can say is- you can tell a lot by a person's actions. Her actions to up and leave like that says that she's obviously fed up. Hope I'm not being blunt. I hate giving sugar-coated advice. Basically, she felt really fed up. Is she currently working as an RN or a CN? If she's an RN, I can see that she's got a lot of stress. And, as for your gut feeling of her meeting someone new or not, I hate to break it to you, but it does seem as though that is the case. Otherwise, why the change of heart? Doesn't mean that she's cheating or cheated on you. It doesn't mean that she's in a new relationship. It just means that she realizes that something is just fundamentally wrong about your relationship. Either that, or she just fell out of love. I don't know if she can ever rekindle those feelings. Were you romantic with her during those 13 years? Did you periodically surprise her with flowers? Sometimes, when we feel as though our partners take us for granted- it makes us want to leave the relationship. You know how the saying goes, "People always want what they can't have"? That crap isn't always true. Based on my personal experience, this is ABSOLUTELY NOT the case. When someone takes me for granted- not only do I lose respect for them, but I also lose interest as well. The reverse happens in my case- if a person simply shows me that they don't want me, I don't want them. Most people think that the oppossite is true- not wanting a person makes the other person want them more. Hope I'm not confusing ya! I get this feeling that she felt taken for granted of, and for her change of heart- it could be too late. I also get this feeling that her change of heart is independent to whether or not she met someone new. I think it has more to do with her just feeling tired of both of your lives going nowhere, so to speak.

You go Pyralis!! Keep it up! I wish you all the best.... Mahlina

I can't stand being a perfectionist. Had to re-edit on a small mistake! To answer your question, I think that it's cute when a guy's a little chubby on his belly! Your answers will vary, in terms of 6-packs. For me, I think that it's more of a phobia that I developed after watching those weight lifting competitions as a kid. I remember watching how guys used to pour oil all over their bodies, just to enhance their 6-packs even more. It creeped me out just watching it. I thought that they looked like headless glazed turkeys. Since then, I felt kinda grossed out. For me, it's just my personal pet peeve ... Don't worry about what us girls think. Do what you wanna do. Sure, 6-packs on a guy is nice. But not to the point where it's soo cut, that the abs are just bulging out at you. Kinda scared me a little when my ex had it. I just couldn't find that very visually stimulating for some reason. As long as you're in shape, and feel confident, you should be fine. Do what you want to do. Impress yourself, not the ladies. Some women do dig it though. But for me, when a guy has a tiny bit of fat on his skin, it feels comfy to hug him. Plus, he's like an insulator, especially on cold nights!

I say for the first date, you really want to make it special. Of course, everyone's opinion's will vary. Me personally, one of my best first dates were when my ex's and I enjoyed a cozy dinner together, spent time walking along the beach, and drove along the coast. Some people may suggest watching a movie for the first date, but to me, it's kind of not as personal. It's almost like both partners need to shut-up at the theatres. There's this awkwardness, because you're getting to know a person, and trying to make the first date romantic. But watching a movie, kind of takes away that whole special affect. Also, about bringing flowers, don't over do it, if you decide to. Save the dozen rose bouquet for another occasion. One of my dates did that to me once on the first date, and to be honest with you, it kinda scared me. I felt that our friendship wasn't strong enough for him to send roses. To me, I interpreted it as him trying to get game. If you do decide to give her flowers, maybe a single rose is better. It's subtle enough where it won't scare her away. One more romantic suggestion: if this date is going to be something that you want to initiate as something 'serious' then do something else special as well. Take her to a scenic point, and establish that as a place where you guys go to as your special hang out spot. I wish you guys all of the best. Good luck & have FUN!

It's okay. I personally don't prefer to. One of my friends is dating a guy who's 2 years younger than her. She's fine with it. But, I think that she could do better! I think that once we hit a certain age, say...around 27-30, men and women even out at their maturity level. By then, maybe it's not so awkward. I bond more with older guys. The youngest guy that I dated, was 2 years older than me. He was 23 at that time. Even then, I felt as though we didn't completely bond. He still had a lot to learn. So, age only matters, only if you feel as though there isn't a connection for some reason.

I agree with you Ryan. Sometimes, it's almost as if we need that reassurance. We need to know that this is 'final', the end, the point of no return. We find ways of justifying our feelings, and making sure that we didn't just 'give up.' I am proud to say that I am completely healed by now. I'll think of my ex every so often, but my feelings for him whithered away. I am SO GLAD to be single WITHOUT him! I get to meet more people. Hanging out with my girlfriends more often, also allows me to meet and mingle with new faces. It's a great feeling when you know that you're still young & single, and you don't need to live in heartache. It's like a breath of fresh air. What a relief! Then I look back and think, "What did I see in that guy?" Ryan, I hope that you'll heal as well. From my experience, no matter what, there is no short cut. It's all a matter of time. But, once you make it through the rough times, you will be able to feel 'alive' again. You'll feel rejounvated even more! Hang in there!-Mahlina P.S.- It helps to stay positive. Stay motivated. Everything's all mental. Believe that you will make it, and you will. It's all a matter of changing our pattern of thinking. Instead of focusing on the pain, tell yourself that being single isn't that bad. Think of it as your time to be autonomous, a time for self-discovery & personal growth.

I had to give my input on this. One of my ex's used to work out at Bally's all of the time. In fact, he's a well known guy at the local Bally's gym that he joined, and he made his way as a personal trainer. And, to be honest, I didn't find his 6-pack as attractive. Sure, he had a nice build, nice upper arm and all, but I just didn't dig it. I like meat on my man. So, I dig pudgyness in a guy. I like the teddy bear build. I think it's cute. Maybe it's the oppossites attract rule. I have a small frame. So, I am usually attracted to guys with a little bit of baby chub!

Ignore him. He'll get the message eventually. If not, then oh well. His problem. He needs to deal with it.

Drop her. If she's keeping you waiting, after she insisted that she'd call, then drop her. If a person makes a promise to do something, they better stick with it. You have every right to be upset. Nothing's wrong to feel that way. In fact, this tells me a lot about her, either: 1. She's not taking you seriously, not feeling it. 2. Immature, and wants to play games. A person who has good intentions for you, will follow through with their actions. If not, if they're playing games with you, then you don't have to waste your time. Dating doesn't have to be that difficult. In fact, if she's flaky like this now, then think about how she'd be like as a 'long-term' partner. Not reliable, is she? If I were you, I wouldn't invest too much emotions into her. I wouldn't take her seriously. Besides, her actions are asking for it anyway. You deserve better! Plenty of fishes out there. She's not the last. Get out there and have fun. Don't focus your emotions onto her. She's not worth it.

My friend's b/f did that to me before. You know what I did? I straight up told him to his face that he needs to stop it, and that he needs to stop trying to act like a little player. Next thing I did: I told his girlfriend. Of course, it made him angry, and he started talking trash, but hey, his girlfriend deserved to know that he was flirting with other women behind her back. Tell the girlfriend. Who cares about what he says. The truth needs to be said, and his behavior needs to stop. I don't get people sometimes. You tell them "no," but they keep on being persistent with their flirting. Guys like the guy that I dealt with, seriously have sexual herrassment issues. Tell him to get lost and grow up!

You know, just by the way that you look at them. You know that you're in love with them, when you know that they are not perfect, but are just perfect for you. You'll love them for their every little flaws, their little imprefections, and just accept them for all that they are. You both understand each other at a deeper level. The bond that you share is completely uncomparable to the other bond that you share with others. It's those unspoken words. You will know that something's wrong with that person, even if they don't have to say it. You just know. It's that look of love. The bond that's shared is like a familiarity that you're so comfortable with. It's like coming home. Your heart just feels safe with that person. You feel secure. You don't ever have to question their intentions. They show you love without you having to ask. The relatonship is pure. No one else can compare. You just love them, because you do. It's that warm glow that you feel inside, that tells you that everything is just right. These feelings are feelings that you get when know that you're in love.

Smart chica! That's the 'right' attitude to have. You Go Girl!! You'll have days where you will miss him, but as long as you keep thinking this way, then it won't stop you from moving on. In fact, it will make moving on less painful, and will speed everything up much faster. Hang in there!

Thank you Caveat!

When the parents likes you, they invite you to dinner, almost every weekend, and every other week day-->bad. Sure, it was nice to spend time with his parents and family, but we weren't even married yet. I just felt as though I was already married into the family. Which was not a bad thing, but it can be a bit suffocating. Especially when I was only 20, and we were just still bf/gf. Not enough privacy. On the good side of it, at least his parents treated me like a daughter-in-law. Kind of scared me though, but I enjoyed them too. Other ex- his family invited us frequently too. They're really nice people, very warm, inviting, and treatd me like family also. Both of those experiences were good. When a guy brings you home to meet his family, there are many benefits to meeting them as well. You get to see where he's from, his background, what types of people influenced him, etc. It says a lot about a person's character, whether it may be he identifies with some of them, or not. Plus, to love someone, I think that you must also somewhat, love their family too. I mean, that's what marriage is about. When someone sincerily loves someone else, that also means that a part of them should also love their partner's family. That's the true meaning of marriage, I think. You recognize that person as you're other half, and thereforeeee, treat them and their family like it.

Listen to yourself about this. Put yourself in his shoes. If you were him, then why would you have to lie? What would the reasons be? Would be okay to lie? Of course not, right? Something sounds really shady here. His excuse sounds like b.s. to me. Lies are lies, period. If he can't be honest to you, and wants to be a weasle about things, then I would tell him to man up, and grow up! Otherwise, he doesn't deserve a sweet girl like you, someone else does. Someone who's at least man enough to treat you right.

Personally, I dig feminity. I love dressing up in cloths that lets me feel like a lady. I'll have days where I love wearing my sundresses/skirts, and other days, where I just like wearing my sandblasted jeans & cotton shirts. Other days where I like to wear my nice pin stripe pants, the office look, with a cute jacket. Nothing is wrong with wanting to dress up more like a lady. Plus, I'm petite, so I don't like wearing cloths that make me feel manly. I like the delicate feel, the sophisticated look. As long as my clothing is not overexposing my body, then it's all good! I'd rather take pride in taking care of myself, rather than going with the two extremes: either a raunchy looking girl, or an ultra conservative girl. I don't like the plain Jane look, and I don't like the trashy look either. I prefer styles that are somewhere in between, something: cute/simple/trendy. Nothing's wrong with that! As long as I'm comfy, and my clothes look appropriate enough to be around kids/adults, then that's all that matters. Girl, if you like dressing 'punk' style, then go for it. I've seen some cute punky looking girls. Look at Avril Lavigne. Every guy has his own taste. So, you'll most likely meet a guy who won't mind your taste in clothing. If someone were to pre-judge you, then don't give them a time of day. They're just a waste of time. Maybe they have some kind of insecurity issues amongst themselves that would cause them to judge others so harshly. Besides, of all of the skater/gothic/punk/retro people that I met, I always thought that they were cool, even if I didn't personally know them. Everyone has their own taste. There are no right or wrongs. Enjoy being comfortable with being you. That's all that matters!

I agree with Under*. Join a football team, only if you feel as though you like it. Do not join it to pick up ladies. In my own personal opinion, back in high school, I used to dig guys who were preppy, not the jocks. Often times, I found that the guys who were the 'nice' guys, who joined the football team, didn't feel comfortable, because they couldn't relate to the other guys. Like attracts like, so if you're looking for a nice, down to earth girl, who she will like you for you, not the sport (or any kind of material possessions) in general, then don't worry about joining the football team. I noticed that girls who wanted to wanted to get popular, often dated the jocks for that reason. They would go as far as sleeping with them, and engaging in orgies. To me, that is very degrading. Also, I'd be very careful about contracting STDs from promiscuous girls. They're a disease reservoir waiting to happen. If you want to find a nice girl, then find her in other places. But, if you want to find girls on a superficial level, then that route is probably the way to go. In the end, it's better that you be you. I'll share a secret with you, I used to like this guy who went to band camp. I thought he was cuter than the guys who got wasted at parties. One more tip, if you're shy, and want to win your luck with a girl, then strike up a conversation with the girl that you like. If you want to take her out for lunch, then take initiative. Say something cute/corny like: "Cafeteria food is naasty!! You wanna go off campus & grab a bite somewhere else?" If you approach a girl in that way, she will read it as 'confidence', thereforeeee, attractive. A nice guy doesn't have to be a jerk, in order to win a date. He just needs to be more of himself, more confident of who he is, then he'll attract the right people. It's all a matter of breaking out of that shyness.

ShySoul makes a good point. You can't judge a book by its cover. I'm a trendy person. I like to dress nice. But, it doesn't say much about me. It doesn't mean that I'm materialistic. In fact, that's the last word that describes me. I'm a huge bargain shopper! And, I dislike people who are always sooo stuck on this name brand crap. I'm Asian, and I notice that a lot of my counterparts, from where I live, tend to love Banana Republic, Armani, Ann Taylor, all of the name brand stuff, etc. They refuse to shop anywhere, but only at those stores. Yah, I like the fashion too, but I'm all about comfort. I don't buy a piece of grament just for it's label! That's stupid. Nothing's wrong with a girl dressing stylish. And, I'm not into the Louie Vitton stuff either. I like shopping at Express. It's about as expensive that my cloths can get. If anything, I don't define my style of dressing to what others think is "cool." I wear whatever I want, and whatever I please. As long as it looks appropriate enough to be around kids/adults, then I'm fine with it! Plus, I wouldn't change my style of dressing for a guy, either. My other ex, who was much older than me, whenever we went shopping, there were days in which he wanted me to buy these tops that were tight and cute (basically, it looked like a bra), but I didn't want to wear it. I told him: "if he wants to a hooker, then he can find one on Sunset Blvd." Other days, he wanted me to wear cloths from United Colors of Beneton, but I wouldn't. He even bought me a shirt from there. I only wore it once. That's what kinda bugged me about him. Sorry, but I didn't feel like being his little submissive barbie doll! I say, dress according to what makes you feel more like you. Wear something that helps to bring out more of your own personality. It's a great feeling when you're just you, and don't give a crap about what people think. And, if someone's going to dislike you for whatever reason, and judge you for the way that you dress, then give them the finger, because they aren't worth your time! However, I must agree about dressing clean, and cleanliness. No one wants to date someone who walks around smelling like fart.

If I were in your shoes, I'd give him the hand and let it be. If he wants his space, then tell him that he can have it forever. I agree with the person who thinks that his excuse is crap. Keep it moving girl! Once your ex see's that you moved on without him, he'll probably call you back. Seems like a lot of ex's do that, once they know that their other ex's have moved on. If he can't see your worth now, then it's his LOSS. Be like, "C-ya!!" Look at his actions, and ask yourself if this man is worth it. Put yourself in his shoes. If you were to tell someone the same thing that he told you, then what do you think's going on inside his head? Obviously he's not looking out for your relationship's best interest. Girl, you deserve better! Enjoy life. Forget about him. If he truly wants to work things out, then let him be the one to come back. Let him prove to you that he deserves to be your boyfriend. Let him show you his efforts. He already broke your heart. So he better make damn sure that he shows you that you are worth it! Otherwise, pack your bags and leave. No one deserves to be with someone who treats them like they're mediocre. No one.

Take your g/f out to where the both of you can just let loose and be yourselves. Go-cart riding is fun. Anything that allows for competition is FUN! Plus, you'll get that adrenaline rush. Other places that you can take your date: scenic. In Orange County, we have this place called "Top of the World" at Laguna Beach, where you can sit along the hillside, and enjoy the city lights at night. It's romantic. It's also very beautiful in the day time. You can also do other things like hang out at the beach, and walk along the pier. This advice is only applies to if you live near a beach. Some beaches also have places where you can rent cruisers. One of the best dates that I had was when my ex took me out with his buddies, and we went bike riding. It reminded me of the scene from ET. It was all good! Although, my face was green, and I felt like throwing up, I still enjoyed it! Be creative. Cater your dates according the the personality of your relationship. I'm sure that you'll come up with other ideas too. Have FUN!

Nothing is wrong with you JoyieGracie. In fact, I applaud you for being that way! =D> I'm that way too. When I date a guy, I tell him upfront that I like to keep things innocent, because that's how I am in general. I like to keep things in my life innocent, and I like to have FUN! But that fun doens't mean that I'll like to get down right dirty and kinky! And, if a guy can't accept me for that, then screw him. If he wants to find someone to sleep with, then he can go find a hooker on Sunset Blvd. JoyieGracie, always be proud of who you are. Deep down inside, if you are innocent at heart, then that's all that matters. Besides, we need more people like you in this world. I'm tired of seeing all of these wannabe raunchy girls try to act like pornstars. If guys want to date girls like that, then fine. Be my guest. Just think of it as your weeding out process. A person who's genuinely interested in you, will be interested in you for you, not for some kind of 'image' so to speak. Be proud that you're not fake. To me, when a person can be proud of who they are, and not try to change, that shows me more confidence than anything. Even if they're a straight up geek, and aren't ashamed of it! Enjoy doing what you love to do. Heck, my definition of fun on a Friday night would be going to the arcade with my date, or skating rink. Whatever's fun & innocent. I would even toss in dancing for the hell of it, just because I love dancing. And, when a guy gets pissed because I'm not letting him grind up on me, then fine. I'm over it. His problem. As long as I'm doing something fun & innocent, then I enjoy it more than anything! For a 22 year old, people find it odd that I'm this way, because some people my age are into the party scene, and don't know what the heck they want. They try to act a certain way, thinking that that's the best way to act. Surprise Surprise. I thought high school was done & over with! I'd rather be me and be young at heart, rather than try to impress others, by being some kind of stupid crowd pleaser, who can't think for herself. Be proud to be you!

I have a feeling that most girls are intuitive to these things. When a guy puts his arm around me, and I just am not feeling it with him, then I would feel uncomfortable. Mainly, because I'm not sure what his intentions are. If we're on a first date, and he puts his arms around me, then I don't respond to it in a good way, because I feel as though maybe he just wants a piece of meat. So, I usually tell my dates about PDA's and how I'm not comfortable with it. If I'm feeling the chemistry for the guy, then I don't mind if he puts his arm around me...that is, if we're on the 3rd or 4rth date, and, I might lean on his shoulders, temporarily. That's just how I am. I had a date, who put his hand on my knee cap on the first date, I got pissed. But, I kinda brushed his hand off of my knee, and acted as though nothing happened. Some girls are more reserved about these things. I don't think that we're totally blinded by non-verbal cues. However, there are some girls who are completely oblivous to these things, and don't mind if guys are touchy/feely with them in general. Those types of girls, you can tell if they're like that, just by how they present themselves. Capiche?

Hurtbylove, Hang in there. Everyone's situation is different. I hope that things will work out for the best for you too. Maybe your ex's reasons for the break-up are different. Try not to take this post too personally okay? I'm sure that your situation was different. Cheer up... Things will get better! It just takes a whole lot of time to heal from a heartache. Thanks Lily ...That sounds fair. Since he is the one who is the dumpee, I think that it's good to be gentle on him. But then again, his actions are what escalated to the break up anyway. Let him know that things didn't work out, and that you guys can still be on good terms, but it just hurts too much to talk to him for now. I have this thing about being sympathetic to ex's. Be sypmathetic to the one's who treated you nicely, even if they did things that hurt you. At least, in the end, they realized their mistakes. There's no need to hold grudges against them. They're still good people. But, we don't have to be nice to the ones who were selfish with their intentions. It's good to be nice, but not too nice sometimes. So, write the letter according to how you feel is necessary. I sense that if he was a prick, then a letter that is stern is more appropriate.

P.S.- I remember reading your post a while back on LDR's. I remember reading something about how his contacts with you weren't as frequent, something like that...Here's the post: [link removed a doomed relationship? (long, and I'm venting) I see that he wasn't putting enough effort in the first place. That's why I arrived to the conclusions that I did, based on your response in that post. I'm glad that you made the right move, and sure hope that you will find someone who will treat you better...Take Care!

His B.S. is B.S. I would cut him off completely for now. Sounds like he's only in it for himself. As long as he's planting seeds in your head, then he feels as though he's succeeding. If I were in your shoes, I'd either: 1. Tell him to give me my space- Say, "Glad to hear from you, but I need my space to move on. Thanks for understanding." Keep it short, simple, straightforward. And, if he demands an explaination, then there are no ifs, buts, or because. There are no excuses that you need to give him. 2. If he pulls your leg, by trying to keep in touch again, then ignore his e-mails. Spam it on your account. I think that you've already given him enough chances to be nice to you. But, once the relationship doesn't work out, then it's already a red flag warning. Dating doesn't have to be difficult. It's good that you realize that he's a prick, and as far as I'm concerned, sounds like he's a rooky trying to get game. He doesn't sound honest with his intentions towards you. My cousin told me this once when I was young. His words will never leave me, and it's true. Don't believe every word a person tells you, unless if they show it through their actions. That also means that they're watcing out for your back. But, if they're only keeping in touch, and are doing things just to please themselves, then don't feel guilty about giving him the hand =; , and politely telling him to get lost.