Poca

I just need to tell the rest of my story. After two days of absolutely ignoring each other at work, on Wednesday we started talking again. Nothing serious, just normal conversations. Friday night I played poker again at his place, that was nice and comfortable as there usually are a lot of people and there's no time for any personal stuff. Saturday morning (on his way to visit his parents), he called me and we talked, just talked for about 30 minutes. At the end of the conversation, he dropped the 'I have to tell you something before you hear it from someone else. I'm dating someone new, also someone from work'. Once again, something in me died. I asked him how long, and he said for the last week (since our major fight). Last night when he returned from his parents, he called me again, and we talked for a long time. I think for the first time we know each other, we talked on a level that makes sense. And about our relationship, etc. Basically he and this girl were working on a project together, and for some time he said that there was an attraction between them. Something unspoken, but it was there. THey talked every day for the past couple of weeks (as a result of the project) and they grew closer. And then we got back together, and now it makes sense to me. He said that he thinks he unconsciously was looking for something to make it NOT work, because of these feelings he had for her - and I all along had the feeling that he was not really trying. So they've deciding to start dating, and have only been out a couple of times this week. He said that he still has and probably always will have strong feelings for me, and that he's not saying she's the girl for him, but that he learned a lot from the mistakes from our relationship and that he's approaching this one differently. Now that we've talked about everything and we agreed on what we thought went wrong, and he is changing the way he goes about relationships, I feel cheated. I really do. Why could he not have changed before us?? Why did I have to go through all this -- to prepare him for a successfull relationship with someone else while I'm left with nothing?? Anyway, we parted on good terms, I am not going to be the needy ex-gf, I told him that I will move on too and will start going out and seeing other people, but inside my heart is breaking. I still love him so much, but I know him well enough to know that he decided to work harder on his next relationship, and since the girl he started seeing, IS a very nice girl, I know and like her -- they probably might end up together. And I really feel cheated. Because if he had that attitude with our relationship, things would have been so much better. It's very hard for me to believe that maybe he's not the one for me, and it's even harder for me to believe that I can feel this way about any one else. I am so sad, I couldn't go to sleep last night, was awake until 3am, and woke up about every hour until 7, and then stayed awake. I don't know how I'm going to cope the next couple of weeks. Somehow, when I was angry, that was my driving force. But now I have nothing but sadness. thank you all for reading.

this is really harder on me than I thought. I miss talking to him so much. We talked on Sunday and basically both got mad and yesterday we did our best to avoid each other at work, etc, and it almost killed me. I sent him an email last night, I just had to because I just couldn't stand the situation, and I just told him that even though I am angry, sad, etc, that I can't do the whole ignoring/avoiding thing on purpose and that I just want to work through all these things without being mean and without trying to hate him. He sent a quick response of thank you and he appreciates my thoughts, etc. Also that he's not going to say more because he doesn't want to be rude and mean. I didn't really expect him to reply, but I'm glad he did. Anyway -- it's just so hard. I cannot remember how I got through this early stage the first time. I know I should keep myself busy and do things, but how can I, if I barely manage to do the normal day-to-day stuff, like work, brush my teeth, etc. I just don't know what to do. I just want the hurting and pain to stop. I will do anything to stop it. Only if I knew what.

I think this forum helps me keep my sanity. Everytime I start to lose focus, I come back, read through all of these posts and get clarity again. Here's the rest of my story up to today -- so we had a peaceful Thursday and Friday - we talked a lot - about normal stuff though, and went out for lunch both days, which is a rarity. Here's the kicker. So last night was regular poker night at his house. During a break I went upstairs to the study where kids were watching tv to check on mine - and while I am there an IM pops up on his pc screen. Now why would I NOT read it. Basically it was from a woman who explains that she couldn't understand why he wanted to see her on Tuesday when he knows Wed and Thurs are the daysshe doesn't have her daugther, and she was thinking they'll be together those days, blah blah blah. Needless to say, I was speechless. I went downstairs, finished my game, said goodbye and went home. At home I deleted and blocked him from IM, I'm absolutely not going to talk to him about it. Tonight we have our holiday party at work and he'll be there. I am going to have fun, be very cool and polite when I run into him. I will tell him (if he asks anything) that I don't have anything to say to him. If he asks why, I'll tell him that he should go figure that out himself. Though I am extremely sad, it's different this time. I'm sad and I'm crying my heart out, but I had a strange kind of peace came over me. It's over. And now I can move on. It's not going to be easy, but at least I know now I can't take him back, even if he wants to. I'll never trust him again. He called twice today and left a message for me to call him. Usually I'll give in, but I really don't have anything to say to him. I'm not gonna yell and scream and ask for explanations. Because there is absolutely NOTHING he can say that'll make this right.

*sigh* good for you may I borrow that feeling ???

thank you this afternoon he IM'ed me and just chit-chatted -- didn't say anything about the whole issue that we're having, and I wasn't going to first. I talked to him like a friend, and he called me later on his way home and I just mentioned as part of the conversation that I was going to play poker tonight. Didn't ask him if he'll be going or what he would be doing tonight, I just wanted him to know that I'm about to go on with normal life. I really wish I had the willpower to make a clean break now, but seeing him every day just makes that impossible. I would have been much better if we didn't have to see each other each day. Reading about all the break-u[s here, and especially the unexpected ones -- that really is scaring me -- how do you ever know, or is love just one big gamble???

I really appreciate everything you guys said. It helps a lot to keep perspective on reality. At this point, I've kind of accepted that we are breaking up again, and I am pretty sure it's happening, but still, I dread the final call/email/IM that will bear that message. I wish I can fast forward my life a couple of months. Now wouldn't that be great.

thank you so much for your reply I guess you said everything I needed to hear, and maybe knew it in the back of my mind, but didn't want to believe it. The good times are really good, but if I think about it -- I don't want be in a relationship where every small difference or every fight/argument is enough reason to consider breaking up? Surely a relationship must be more stable than that?? LOL @ poker face. You're right, I should have told him I'm re-evaluating it too, I think what kept me from saying something, is because I know/think he would have taken that as a breakup confirmation. And I'm not going to contact him again before he contacts me. And in the mean time, I'm going to try very hard to get back to the level I was in the week or so before we got back together. you've said a lot of true things that I needed to hear, thank you so much for that. Will you call me each morning for a week and remind me???? kidding of course, but the next month is probably gonna be bad, with my birthday and the holidays coming up.

Funny thing is -- you were about right. THat's about when I was ready to move on. A couple of weeks later we got back together. And now we're basically breaking up again.

we broke up in April this year -- I went through hell and back trying to get over the breakup, because I saw him at work every day, we still talked, and since about Aug, we started to talk every day and hang out regularly - we both play and love poker, so that kinda kept us together. While all along I was really hard to get over my feelings for him, or at least to be able to move on. I was doing pretty well, even though in the back of my head I felt we belong together. Eventually we ended up sleeping together once or twice, but that just made it worse, because we still didn't have a relationship and I still saw him at work where he are friends with a lot of people - and especially the one women that works with him. I suspect, but am not sure, that he has feelings for her, although she's married and I know he hangs out with her and her husband. But still, they are in constant contact, either talking or on MSN (I see it cause I have to walk past both their desks every day) and go to lunch together 3 - 4 times a week. Anyway - I told him I need to move on and that there will be no sleeping together if we want to be friends. Much to my surprise that upset him a lot, and well - we ended up getting back together. He told me that he still loves me and suddenly life looked pretty good. That was about two weeks ago. Last weekend we had an incident - I got jealous at a poker game where he was (in my mind) flirting too much with one of the women there -- but -- he IS a big flirt and he's always talking to women. I got so mad that I walked back to my apt, didn't tell him where I was going, and turned my phone off. When I woke up the next morning, I felt absolutely terrible. I had too much too drink the previous night and don't think I would have acted that way if that wasn't the case. I called him to apologise and to come pick me up - my car was at his place - he came and surprisingly, wasn't mad. I apologised over and over again, he was a little upset, he was up all night worrying about where I am. After that I noticed that he got a little distant, not much, but I know him well enough to know that it was bothering him. In the mean time, we haven't really told people at work we are back together, kinda planned to break it to them at the holiday party this weekend, and he still spend a lot of time with his married friend at work. Monday night he called be about nine, I asked if he was working until then, and he said no, he went to see a movie. I said oh, with who. And he casually said 'Jessica' - that's the married friend. I felt as if somebody hit my in the stomach. I was devastated - I don't know if I'm just too jealous and if I was wrong in feeling that way, but I expected for him to tell me if he was going to the movies with her. I couldn't talk normally on the phone with him, and told him I have to go, I tried not to make a big deal of it and just needed a couple of minutes to sort out what I'm feeling, and I told him I don't want to talk to him right that minute. Got online a couple of minutes later and talked to him, and he was MAD. Mad at me for being upset, mad at me for basically hanging up on him, so I called him, trying to explain, but he just got more upset. Next morning at work(that was yesterday), I asked him if he was still mad, he said yes. I told him I'm not mad and I don't want him to be, so, should I just wait it out until he's ready to talk to me. He said yes and I said ok. Went to a poker game last night, he arrived after we started playing, didn't say hi or anything, I was out early and basically ran out of the place to go home. Called him to ask him if he want to come over when he's done, and he just said NO. So last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I went through all the stuff I worked so hard to get over. This morning I didn't go to work, sent him an IM, asked why he doesn't want to talk to me, why is it such a big deal, and basically he told me that he is 're-evaluating' our relationship, and that there's nothing I can do. I know there is nothing I can do at this point, but I'm scared. Scared to go through all the heartache again, scared not to have him in my life, but also scared that we are going to have all this crap over and over again, if we stay together. I cannot believe this is happening to me again.

Just gonna write again, because sometimes I feel when I write the words and emotions down, I get a better perspective and sometimes even understand better. Last week, I dreaded this weekend, my little girl was to visit her dad, I would have been alone, actually before our 'break-off of the friendship' earlier this week, I had plans with my ex for this week-end. I don't have a lot of friends here, being a single mom in a big city somehow doesn't lend itself to situations to meet a lot of people, and I had some weekends in the past where I didn't speak to a soul, and for me that is pretty hard. Anyway -- I've decided to go play poker on Friday night, managed to get hold of a friend and she went with me and we had quite a good time. I only recently started to play poker -- it's one of my ex's passions -- and I really got into it. Now it kinda hurts to play a little - cause it will always remind me of him, but on the other hand, it's the first thing in a long time that I enjoy so much. I try to go to the same poker games every week, and I finally begin to get to know some of the people, and I hope and believe that somehow in the future I will make some good friends there. Well, today is Sunday, I manage to get through the weekend ok, tonight I'm meeting a friend from out-of-town for drinks and tomorrow the torture at work will begin again. I'm moving desks - as a result of a change in position - and my cubicle will be ten feet away from him and his 'new friend' at work - the married woman he works with and seem to have a special friendship with. Break-ups can be so hard, but for me it's so much harder this time -- previous break-ups I usually initiated, and this one not, and although I KNOW it's probably better for us NOT to be together, it doesn't make me stop loving him and it doesn't take away the pain seeing him every day and seeing him having fun with someone else -- where in the past that someone was me. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

Michael, I'm curious -- how old are your son and hers?? And how are they experiencing the break-up and the current situation??

thanks everyone yeah, even if I know it'll probably get better, it's just so hard dealing with it when in the middle of it. As for the cycles, funny thing is -- I went through it when we broke up and I was so close to accepting and moving on. I guess the fact that he was still in my life as a friend, and neither of us were seeing other people, helped. Now that we also broke off the friendship, I go through it all again and it seem to be so much harder this time. When reading this board, I realise how many people are out there going through similar stuff, and sometimes I wonder if the sad and miserable people outnumber the happy ones?? At this time in my life, it sure looks like it. yeah, and it's a cliche, but I really have never ever thought I was capable of hurting so much, I didn't know so much pain was even possible. It's affecting me in every way of my being, I feel totally out of control of my emotions as well as physical my body feels just drained. I don't think I'm suicidal, but I sure do wonder sometimes why even make an effort to live through this -- is it not just going to happen again?? I don't know. And I'm not sure I can do this. thanks for reading

with the pain?? the emptiness?? the feelings of absolutely nothing?? Since our break-up a couple of months ago, we became good friends again, we hung out regularly -- but I got upset with his friendship with a (married) woman where we work -- he basically told me that I'm forcing his hand to choose between a friendship between me and her, and that being friends with me, is not working for him because I get upset with him talking to other girls, etc. Anyway -- bottom line is -- we don't talk anymore, they're still friends and I see them hanging out at work every day, I'm not convinced that he doesn't feel anything for me, I am convinced that we have strong feelings for each other, but I also realise that it's probably the best idea to make a clean break at this time. I just never realised it would hurt this much. I never realised that I was able to feel so much pain. When does life seem to be worth living again?? The worst part is, that I have a 9 year old daughter I need to provide some stability for -- but how long can I go on pretending everything is gonna be ok, when everything inside me is dying????? I know I have to snap out of it, but I just can't. I am so tired of being so unhappy. I hope there is somebody out there who can give me something to hang on to. I have nothing left.

LOL -- OK, thanks. Duely noted in my calendar. I'll report back.

Mjane - thx for your post. It means so much to me and I experience every feeling you described above. My point is that -- I'm kinda average looking - not traffic-stopping, but also don't hire me to scare kids on Halloween, and I have a very outgoing personality. Ex - on the ohter hand -- is no oill painting ( and I really don't mean this in a MEAN way), and all my life I always had men interested in me. Maybe my problem is more the rejection I can't handle - I've also gained a couple of pounds - I'm not grossly overweight, but I'm no Calista Flockhart - and since I've always had a good athletic body, this extra 20 pounds doesn't help my self-esteem. I'm also a single mother and can't get out much to meet other people. BUT - I plan on going to this regular poker thingy on Tuesdays from now on, I'm trying to arrange a baby sitter, and though I'm not looking for a relationship, I would LOVE to have male friends now to boost my ego a little. Maybe the problem is just me. I dunno.