mahlina

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. It's weird how life works. One minute, your loved one is alive. Next minute, they're gone. You'll never know when the person that you love will walk out of your life.... I like Sisterlynch's analogy. I have my own anology as well. I call it the wind. In Catholicism, the wind represents 'spirit.' Whenever I visit my dad's grave, when I first arrive, I feel a light breeze. As I stand there and pray, the breeze gets stronger. That's when I know that my father is there with me in spirit. Everytime I feel that strong wind, I know that it's him. I know that he's made his way back down from heaven to visit, just for that one second in time. It's that very moment that you want to hold onto, just as though they're still alive. Then that breeze leaves you. You're left feeling sad, but tranquil. Whenever you visit your friend, maybe you can use the same anology as well. It's the little things that remind you of the person that you love. Even if it's something as small as a light breeze that gently touches your skin. It's that feeling of serenity in knowing that a part of them still symbollically exists. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Thank you for sharing with us. My heart goes out to you and her family.-Mahlina

That's admirable of you to do so. I think that people like her, should be treated with the equal respect that they deserve. I'm also glad to hear that the G.Q. looking guy wasn't snob, but was rather friendly and polite to her. Stories like these remind me of stories from "Chicken Soup for the Soul." It's a very heartwarming. I also like the way that the essense of the whole scenery is captured. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a relationship with a guy much older than me a few years back. He was 28, and I was 19 close to 20 at that time. A lot of what your boyfriend says/how he treats you, sounds very similar to what my ex used to do me. My best advice to you, do not allow him to talk down on you just because you're younger. Just because you're younger than him, it does not mean that you can't think for yourself. You can. So he can't order you around, and say that you're too nice to guys. He can't turn you into the little Barbie doll that he wants you to be. You as a mature young lady, do know your own boundaries. I know how that act of 'possessiveness' goes. I didn't appreciate it either. What he needs to also do, is respect you as his 'equal', and trust that you have your own better judgement of things. He shouldn't try to boss you around, but rather, he should accept you for all that you are. I feel your pain. You shouldn't have to feel submissive, bend over backwards, and change in order to accommodate to his needs. It's not all about him, it's about what you want as well. In terms of age vs. personality, I would say that it's probably a combo of both. Age being that he feels older, so he feels as though he has more control. (This is only in regards to your boyfriend and my ex). Personality, perhaps the tendency to be a little bitter about things, and always wanting to be 'right'. I'd say, they probably both have toxic personalities. They probably feel insecure among themselves, and thereforeeee, feel the need to 'control' us, and make us feel bad for not being what they want us to be. It's often that people who feel insecure within themselves, they feel the need to control, dominate, and put others down, in order to put you in your spot. So, it's a combination of both age and personality. See, I think that if your b/f and my ex had a bit more of 'accepting' personalities, then I truly think that age-gap relationships can work. I think that they can, but it depends on the other person's personality, if they're the dominating type or not, and how well both people's personalities mesh together. I used to do the exact same. Tune out his bitter nagging. At this point in the relationship, it's almost as if it's borderline unhealthy. So, all in all, my suggestion is to re-evaluate if he's truly who you want to be with. Maybe he's just not the 'right' match. The longer you stay and put up with this torment, it will feel like emotional abuse, and may also lead to verbal abuse. Be strong. If he yells at you, then stand your ground. Do not tolerate with his behavior. He'll only push you around if he feels as though he's allowed to. Hope this helps. Take care.-Mahlina

Very well said RobzGr8. That's a cute way of putting it. I completely agree with you Rob. Mixed-race relationships are passionate in a sense that couples are able to embrace each other's differences. It's what spices things up in a relationship, and adds flavor to the chemistry. Inter-racial relationships are often beneficial. If we can expand our knowledge and horizons in learning about different cultures, then I think that's what makes a world a better place. It's so nice to see how people can love each other despite their ethnicities. I give so much props for those who do chose to marry interacially. They might have to struggle against some of society's social prejudices, but the fact that these couples could care less about what others say, is something that I truly admire. It just shows how strong of a bond they have. Oh, and last but not least, mixed race babies are often one of the cutest. Look at Halley Berry, Kristen Kreuk, and Kimora Lee Simmons. Nice Topic AwsomeDude.

I only like going clubbing once in a while, because sometimes it's fun to style your hair, dress up, and go out with your girlfriends. I also love dancing. It's also a great way to workout while enjoying the night life. About drinking, I hate the taste of alchohol. I dislike the smell of a guy who is drunk, who reeks of alchohol, and comes up to you from behind and tries to grind his thang up on you like that. Excuse me, but that's my automatic response of, "Nice to meet you, but I must go". That's a part of the reason why I don't go clubbing anymore, because some guys seem to have this impression that girls who go clubbing want to get laid. And no, I don't dress like a hootchie-mama, so I don't understand why people have to dance all nasty like that. I like it for the sake of pure innocence, dancing, and enjoying good laughs with my girl-friends. I wish people could go clubbing for fun, and keep things light-hearted & innocent.

Oh, I see. It's just like studying for the California state-board exams, right? It's funny, because California has it's own state board exams for a lot of things, verses in some other states, as long as you pass the national boards, then that's all that's needed. Like in Pharmacy, a pass in the national boards is good enough to practice in the other states, other than Cali. I guess it's because Cali's the hotspot for real-estate. Why does it seem like everything's so difficult in Cali? I know what you mean about this whole budget deficit issue. It's so aggrevating. I'm also finding it's hard to get into the program that I want, because the whole freakin state is broke, and they're only accepting half of the amount of the number students that they used to accept, per semester. So there's this whole waiting list, wherever you go. I also have the grades, but it's just this whole budget that's slowing everyone down. Thanks to Mr. Arnie here, we're not doing any better, are we? And, they keep on slapping extra pre-req classes. They keep on fluctuating the requirements, as a way to stop accepting students. It's funny how they keep on raising tuition, but they're not giving us what we need. What a load of b.s. [-( About teaching, try to get into Calstate Fullerton, if you live near there. I heard that their teaching program is pretty good. I think that if you're going to teach in Cali, then try to get your foot in the door with a school out here. Maybe you can try somewhere where it's not as impacted, like Calstate Stanlisus. I don't know about U.C. programs that do have a teaching program. If you are willing to relocate, then I highly recommend relocating to a university out in California. Maybe you can also try private schools. But personally, I think that private schools are kind of biased in their philosophy of subject criteria. I might relocate. So, maybe you can reolcate to a school that's about 2 hours away, then come home and visit your parents on weekends. Or maybe apply somewhere, where you don't mind commuting. (talk about gas prices, that's going to be hell too!) If I'm willing to pull out student loans, and make a sacrifice, then I would do it. But then again, in your case, they're also cutting back on hiring new teachers, because of the budget. So if that's the case, then no rush, right? Geez. I wish the both of us the best of luck....Hang in there. Things will work out for the best. I probably wouldn't move to Iowa, if I were in your shoes. Being away from family would be one of the worst heartaches, I think. But sometimes, we also must eventually learn to live on our own. Good luck to whatever your decisions are. I'm sure that things will work out, regardless of what you choose. Prepare yourself for whatever the consequences may be. Hope this helps. Mahlina

Hi Meagan, That's so mature of you to do so. I think that a good approach would also be that you tell Liz upfront: "Liz. I know that we might not get along and everything. But I'm truly concerned. If anything's happening to you, please talk to a counselor. Just remember that you don't need to put up with any form of abuse. But if I'm off, I completely apologize." Then leave it at that. Be silent. Sometimes it's those unspoken moments of silence that make people think. Afterwards, if she truly is being abused, she might even consider seeking help. Mahlina

My ex was in the same predicament. He was happy out here in Southern Cali. After finishing his B.S., Tufts University accepted him. He had to decide between choosing what he truly wanted, verses graduating at a well known school that relates to his career. In the end, he chose to move out to Boston and attend Tufts. I think that it made him more miserable to move out there. Although he did suffer for 4 years, now that he's graduated, I still don't think that he's happy, because he didn't do what made him truly happy: being around family and friends. But heck, with his career now? He doesn't need to worry about anything. He has it made. I guess there's a give and take to everything. In the end, your decisions should be based on what truly makes you happy. I know that it's importnt to think long term as well, but do what feels right. I truly hope that everything works out for you. Also, keep in mind: money doesn't always buy happiness. I can only say that, only seeing how many students graduate in a prestigous professions, but in the end, they change their career goals, only to start back from square one: doing what they truly wanted to do. I wish you the best of luck in your decisions. Whatever it is, things will work out for the best, no matter what, as long as you're happy. Take care.-Mahlina

Spirit. You always ask intellegent questions. Your discussions always keep me thinking. I think that people's goals change according to their age, but their values will often stay the same. At my age, my main goal is to establish a career. I want to have a successful job, and be financially stable and on my own. If and when I do chose to have children, I want to make sure that I will be financially stable enough to provide for them. I don't want to rely on others. So for now, it's all about my education and getting myself somewhere. Another thing is, I want to repair a lot of what's hurt me in the past as a kid. I want to be able to be financially stable, so that my future kids don't have to put up with the pain that I went through as a child. I guess my purpose in life is simple. I just want to keep my values with straight. I want to keep my family ties strong. I would love to own a house in H.B. California, where I was born and raised. I always imagine myself owning a medium size house out there, and inviting family and friends over to dinner parties, meals home cooked by me. I always invision being that independent lady, who doesn't need her mother, who's not still hurt from the past. I come from a troubled background. So for the most part, I want to make a positive change for myself, so that I can eventually help other's in return; especially those who fell victim to childhood abuse/domestic violence/rape. When I become financially successful, I would love to donate back to the kids who are suffering around the world. I would especially love to take a trip back to Asia to help out injured orphans, who are victims of agent orange. After my experience with meeting these kids, they completely changed my perception in life! I would love to donate my money to them, so that they have a roof over their heads, a warm bed to come home to, food, comfort, safety, everything, education..anything and everything to save these orphans from a life of from a life of poverty, rape, sexual abuse, and/or childhood domestic violence. That's my main purpose in life: to give back. I have a lot of people to thank, and one day, I hope that my future contributions will reflect on how much effort they invested in me. Thank you for such an inspiring post! -Mahlina

No. Confidence to me, is someone who's happy to be the way that they are. They do not intentionally, seek to criticize or hurt others. They are pleasant people, that have nothing but 'Respect' for others. That's what I define as someone who's confident. I couldn't help it but to give advice, as I should've been studying by now, but I've noticed that there are a bunch of these threads on height, confidence, etc. In some ways, I feel bad, because it seems as though some people take other people's opinions to heart, and beat themselves over it way too much. Looks isn't everything. For those who think that it's everything, well, welcome to the real world. Not everyone's made of PLASTIC. Opinions are highly subjective. That doesn't mean that if one person has a preference for things, then the whole general population will have a preference for the same thing. About the issues with 'physical attraction,' well, it's really hard to define. There are other components to consider as well, such as chemistry how well 2 people's personalites mesh together, mentally and emotionally. Looks is not the final determining factor on how well two people will bond. It's this unexplainable feeling. What works for one person, may not work for the other. I define confidence as someone whos humble, someone who knows who they are, and accepts themselves for all that they are. They do not have a standoffish kind of attitude, just your regular Joe. So far, based on what I've read in your posts, I can tell that you truly are a confident guy. That's admirable. It doesn't mean that just because someone's confident, that they should make it a point to show confidence. In fact, some of the people that I meet in person, the ones who tend to be loudmouths, who push people around and try to make it seem as though they're confident, they're just the oppossite of what defines confidence. If someone has to make it a point to 'prove' confidence, that to me, shows lack of confidence. Some people can be quiety confident, in which I highly admire. I don't admire those obnoxiously outspoken confident individuals. That to me, shows weakness. Just my 2cents. Hope that you don't beat yourself too hard over other people's opinions. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. So try to take their opinions with a grain of salt. As long as you're happy, what people say shouldn't matter. Hope this helps. I couldn't help it but to respond. Take care. Good night. Mahlina

Hi Toughgirl, My guy cousin told me this once, "Do not buy into excuses." If you feel as though he's not treating you the way that you want to be treated, then do not settle. Do not allow yourself to bend over backwards and make excuses for him, because #1: relationships are about 'mutual' interest. I think that a lot of the times, when posters ask questions about what's bothering them, half of the times, they're intuitive to how they feel, but they just need some kind of reassurance that the feeling that they have is 'right' or not. So my best advice is to listen to how you feel. Listen to that gut feeling that's inside of you. Ask yourself if you're being treated the way that you want to be treated. If not, then do not allow yourself to settle for less. It's not worth the time. There are plenty of more valuable things to do in life, rather than to sit there aimlessly, thinkng about whether or not, he's being true. In the end, his what he says doesn't matter. Talk is cheap. Excuses are excuses. Actions speak much louder than words. Try not to take anything to heart. It's just about learning to be true to yourself and what you want. Best of luck to you ToughGirl. You are that strong girl. You just need that reassurance, that's all. You're on the right track so far, in terms of understanding what's going on. Take Care & much luck to you.-Mahlina

That's so cute Alicia. I like it when a guy that I like tries to say something in my language, but in a cute way. I Ioved it when my one of ex's used to say "I'm sorry" to me in my language. He used to do this bowing/kao-towing action. He'd do it with this cute facial expression, and said it in this perfect accent. It was utterly adorable. In some ways, it was kinda kinky too, especially when he got down on his knees and did it. Every time he did that, I would just tickle and hug him back!

Shinobie, You shouldn't feel bad if that's not your preference. You're entitled to how you feel. Be true to what does or does not attract you. I do know how you feel though. Sometimes I also feel bad because there are some cute skinny guys out there too, but I always think: "If I went out with a skinny guy, wouldn't it feel like 2 bone bags crushing each other?" I guess it's because the "like attracts like rule," just does not do it for me. I'm 110, so I prefer someone who's little bit on the bulkier/meatier side. Say about 170 lbs. This whole looks thing is all too subjective. What works for one person, might not work for the other. Attraction to me, depends on the chemistry that I feel for a guy, and how he carries himself. Overall, it's the bond that counts.

That's so true. I agree with what Muneca's saying. It seems as though several of the things that we plan in our lives, seem to go unplanned. It's almost as if whenever you plan something, things don't always work out the way that we intended for it to be. A lot of thing in life seem to work way. Think about it, when people enter marriages, they don't plan on getting a divorce. It just happens. But, I do know how you feel. It's been crushing my emotions for a while. Though I'm not your age, I can say I truly know how the pain feels. It sucks even worse when you change majors. Talk about setback. And, when you get involved into 'new' relationships, a lot of it also changes your plans in life as well, even if you don't want it to. I really wish I never met one of my ex's. I could've been at UCSD doing what I originally planned to do. But I didn't, mainly because problems in the relationship really was distracting on my studies. Anyway, I feel your pain. Hang in there. Oh, btw, I know what you mean about wanting structure in your life. I'm the same way too. When things go out of whack, I get stressed out, because I want my life to go according to how I originally planned it. I guess we just have to accept the fact that we do not always have control of our lives. We cannot always predict what will happen. We just have to make the best of our own situations. Life is full of mysteries, isn't it? *sigh*

That's so true Outlaw. About the 'nice guy' vs.' clingy doormat,' I wouldn't hold onto those words too literally. When I meet a guy, I don't judge him and think that he is clingy or not. I guess it's because I haven't run into many of them. But the only times that I have, the traits that a clingy guy has to me is: 1. Being overly possessive. 2. Expecting too much from a girl, when he barely knows her. I.E. just wanting her to be around too much. 3. Calling too much. (When I mean calling too much, I mean calling more than 10 times a day. At that point, it gets a little too freaky). Basically, just not allowing the other person have their space in the beginning of an exclusive relationship, or even just getting 'to know' them (i.e. dating). When you're in a relationsihp with a girl, it's okay to want to spend more time together. At that point, it's exclusive. So naturally, both people will hang out with each other more often, because they want to, and because they enjoy their partner and respect them as bestfriends. So at that point, getting a little jealous is okay (I wouldn't suggest showing it too much though), or hanging out or calling each other on a regular basis is not bad. One of my ex's did that, and I didn't see it as him being clingy. It was more like we were close friends. But with the other guys, it was more of a turnoff, because we were not exclusive. For them to act that way, it scared the heck out of me, and made me feel as though they were clingy. Hope this made sense.

Maybe it's muscle mass that you're gaining. A lot of our weight is based on bone/muscle mass and fluid, not fat. Even though you're 140 lbs, that doesn't mean that you're overweight. It could just mean that you have a different bone structure and more muscles. A lot of our body weight has a lot to do with genetics and our 'lifestyles,' choices that we make on a daily basis. Actually, if you do resort to 'not eating,' you can also start to slow down your metabolism. Go to the dcctor, and get a BMI test, so that you can get an accurate reading of how much fat percentage you have in your body. From the sound of it, I think that this has more to do with what you feel, rather than what you see in the mirror. Your weight might be quite normal. About 70-80 lbs., for your height, that's not a good thing. Your body will start to literally eat away at itself. You don't want to go into starvation mode like Avman says. My best advice, if you do want to lose weight, and eat healthy, add lots of fruits/veggies to your diet. If you're not a 'fruit' person (no pun intended), I mean, if you don't like eating fruits, then whip out the blender, and blend the fruits that you can drink. That way, you'll be able to lump all of your daily required intakes into one small drink. Buy frozen fruits and mix it in with 2 tablespoons of any sorbet flavor that you want. That will give your drink a little flavor, by making it taste a little exotic. About the veggies, if you don't want to gain weight from the milk, you can also try adding more brocolli to your diet. Brocolli provides an excellent source for calcium, without the added fat. Boil your brocolli. You can eat it alone. I personally think that it tastes good even without the dressing. So, try to get into a pattern of 'healthy' eating habits, and 'healthy choices.' Last but not least, don't go by what society labels as 'standard' or 'normal'. Don't go by what you see on magazine covers. That's mainstream. Be proud of who you are. As long as you feel good about yourself, then that's all that matters. But, if by any chance, for those who are actually overweight, it's also important to consider the problems associated with it. Also, do not resort to vommiting your food. The acids that come out, are actually strong enough that it will wear down your teeth and stomach/esophogial lining. Eat healthy, and stay happy. Hope this helps. Take care.

LoL! Jack. I definitely do not recommend taking her to MickyDees either. That to me, is personally insulting. I don't even go there on a reg. basis. Just my not personal preference. Yes, I agree that roller-blading is fun. I also would reccomend going to a 'roller skating' rink, where it's almost like dancing, but you're roller-skating to music and disco lights. I love it!! Especially if there's some kind of theme: like 70's or 80's night. Maybe you can make some phone calls to see if those places do have some kind of unique events that are happening. You can also try taking her out to a unique 'restaurant.' You can try Morocan food, where you sit down on these mini-chairs. Some places have hookas, where you can enjoy your meals with Morocan food and belly-dancing. It's fun, but a little pricy. Make sure that you have enough cash. Bring a Visa or Mastercard (just in case). Basically, cater the event to your own personality and her's. Make the first date a unique and fun experience. Something that she will remember. I guess movies will be nice. If you do take her to the movies, I think that something light-hearted and funny would be entertaining. Keep things light-hearted on the first few dates, so that things don't have to feel so 'serious' and 'awkward.' (Not that seriousness is a bad thing. But too much of it in the beginning, can scare a girl off). You basically want to keep the first date 'fun' and 'enjoyable,' then save the mushy romantic, and serious part for later. Again, this advice is just from personal preference.

Very well said Muneca. My thoughts exactly. I feel the same way, but don't feel the same way about chat rooms. Forums are okay. They're like an online diary. You're allowed to completely let out your thoughts and emotions, minus the profanity. My advice to you MoonRabbit, if you feel as though you can express yourself more comfortably now, then meet someone in 'real' life. I have to be honest. I swore that I would never meet someone online. I met one person, and yes, he is a member of enotalone. I swear I will never do it again. You have this kind of skewed perception of who the person is, and when you meet them, they're just the oppossite of what you imagined. Not that it's a bad thing. But cyberspace really does have a way of 'playing' with your mind and emotions, because you don't know exactly who the other person that you're giving advice to is like in reality. They are only thoughts from your own biased, and pre-conceived perception. I find that when you go out with a group of friends, it's more fun when you meet people that way. It's healther. But I'm not going to say that I oppose online relationships. If works for some people, then good for them. Whatever floats their boat. However, I'm often sketchy of what people say online because I have no clue of who it is that I'm talking to. I just have to trust my own judgement that they're 'honest' people.

1. Humor- I love humor in a guy. 2. Height- 5'8''+ preferred. I like a guy who's at least 4'' taller than me. Makes me feel as though he's 'masculine.' 3. Sarcasm- Again, humor, but in a nice way, not in a snooty way. Can't stand snooty people. 4. How he treats others- If he's nice to other people, when he thinks that no one's watching him. Makes him look more sexy than anything. 5. Intellegence- If he appears to be intellegent, not just your typical thug. This also goes along with how a guy dresses. Casual attire is attractive. Can't stand guys who walk around with one leg on their pants pulled up, and the other one pulled down. Reminds me of high school. 6. Attitude- Cool headed + easy going + humbleness = "Confidence." (Unlike the uptight jerks who always has something to prove. That to me, shows lack of confidence. ) 7. Acne-Free- Sorry but, I can't help it. That's just my own personal preference.

How do you get a guy to talk to you when you're out? Do you look and smile at him? Do you bump him by accident? What do you do? -I sit there and wait for him to introduce himself. If I like a guy, I'll smile a lot, but most likely will avoid contact. I won't even try to look at him. It's an unexplainable automatic reaction. What do girls think of a guy who approches them when they're with their friends in a group? -I love it when a guy's comfortable with himself in a group of friends. That is, if he's part of the group of friends that we hang out with. 1.) If he's too straightforward about it, I shy away, and kind of leave the group temporarily, just to avoid contact. 2.) But if he's subtle, then I'll feel comfortable. I love it especially when a guy cracks jokes, and is sarcastic when he talks to me when we're with a group of friends. I'll talk & joke back. It's kind of like this push-pull thing. I dunno. Guys who are just too funny, I can't help it. They're charming and confident. I just sit there and laugh. I enjoy their sense of humor. I don't mind that kind of approach in a 'group' setting. -If a guy approaches, and if he's a stranger to the group, then I don't take it as positive as I would if he was a friend to the group. Dunno. That's just my thought. It's just the comfort in knowing that the you can find out certain things about a guy through a friend in a group. That's what makes me trust him more.

First impressions to me: 1. How they talk. 2. How they carry themselves. 3. Their facial expressions. 4. Their actions, which show underlying intentions. (You can tell by the little things that people say, and how they say it). I'm pretty keen on my first impressions of a person. It's like my radar. I use to detect those people who are selfish verses those who are worth getting to know as a friend: guy or girl.

Verbal abuse is something that's really hard to deal with. Once you're verbally abused, it's as if those little lines and memories are forever burned into your memory. That's why you feel this tremendous amount of fear. My best advice: Stay away from people who are like that, people who make it a point to put you down, and make snide remarks towards you. Basically, anyone who will say anything to make you feel beliittled, demeaned, or inferior. Do not tolerate with anyone like that. If they talk trash to you, talk back. Then leave it at that. Do not let the ex's words get to you. In general, those who put others down, do so because they feel inferior among themselves. It's something that's in their nature that's innate, and a part of their personality. I for one, will never understand people like that. Often, they live with a lot of ego, anger, and always want to feel the need to 'dominate.' Forget about people like them. Focus on you now. The little pieces of what you do have that's left within yourself, gather those broken pieices together. You know what? Even though they've shattered you mentally and emotionally, you still have those pieces to pick up, and put together again. It's my analogy of a broken plate. Even though you repiece that broken plate, the cracks which represent your scars, will always be there. But no matter what, as long as you gather yourself together again, and build back from square one: your mind, then nothing else, and no one else will can bring you down emotionally or mentally. Just look at people like that as scum. They're pathetic and aren't worth your time. I read this in a book one time, there are people who are toxic people in our lives. They are the people who make us feel bad for some reason. There's no way of avoiding them. But to me, there is always a way of keeping your distance from them. We don't need selfish people who are out there to make everyone's lives miserable. It's because they feel miserable among themselves. That's why they feel the need to make everyone else miserable. Don't let them drag you down along their path. Focus on what makes you happy. Healing will be a tough time. There are no shortcuts to regaining your happiness. It won't happen over night. Recovering from heartache, in this case, requires time and a ton of patience. Every little step that you take to improve your life counts. Just think of it as you're the patient who's laying in bed in the hopsital. You feel weak and fragile. You are your own 'nurse'. You must nourish yourself. Please find every way to comfort yourself, and 'enjoy' your own life again. That's most important. It will help you to heal. Focus on your mind, body and spirit. Replenish yourself. Things will eventually work out from there. Hang in there, and remember to 'be strong.' Take care & best of luck to you. You can do it!! Mahlina

Hi Usul, I agree with everything that everyone's said so far, except for the poster who mentioned about religion. I think this mostly has to do with her cognitive thinking about her own self-image and a hormonal imbalance. For some reason, your girlfriend's bought into the idea that she's not physically acceptable. Something in her thought process is triggering her to make a big issue about this, in which, I think is due to horomonal imbalance. In her case, it's probably a thyroid hormone problem, called hypo-thyroidism; hence her gaining 40 lbs. This is due to interelated factors based on the physiological level. Her thyroid gland decreases the 'normal' mount of production of TH hormone, which then triggers a hormonal imbalance, causing her to gain weight. Once TH hormone levels drop, everything else phsiologically topples down like a domino affect. This might also explain why she has her bouts of depression. Is there a family doctor that you guys can see? If you guys don't have an insurance program, then she can sign up at the local community colleges. By law, community colleges are supposed to provide some kind of health care. At least that's how it works in California. I don't know how it works elsewhere. Health fees are required to be paid upfront during class registration. They are cheap, and worth the money. Believe it or not, these fees provide the 'basic' health care coverage such doctor visits on campus. But this doesn't include coverage for flu shots, blood tests, and prescription medications. When she does see a doctor, she should mention about her weight loss. The doctor should then order a TH (thyroid hormone) 'blood test' for her. This will determine if she does suffer from hypo-thyroidism. I also think that a lot of her depression has a lot to do with 'lifestyles,' choices made on a regular daily basis. The healthier a person eats, the healthier they will feel. Eating fruits and veggies is always important. *They provide a high source of 'natural' anti-oxidants that replenish cells, by getting rid of the free radicals that build up as cellular waste products throughout the body.* A person's body functions on the 'basic' cellular level. Everything depends on what a person eats. The nutrients that cells absorb from a person's diet, allows it to drive & maintain healthy internal environment within the body. The more anti-oxidants, the better. Bright fruits and deep dark vegatables are examples of high anti-oxidant foods. Another thing, do not waste money on weight loss pills. They only provide 'short term' results. Basically, it dehydrates a person's body, giving the 'false' impression that a person's losing weight, when in fact, they're only losing fluid weight, not fat. There are no short-cuts. Exercising and eating a healthy diet helps to burn fat. Pills don't. About salt content, reduce it. She can keep salty foods in her diet, but not too much. Try to limit it. A high sodium diet also increases the risks of hypertension. Keep everything in moderation. All in all, I think that you are doing a fantastic job of supporting her. Continue on giving her the best advice that you can, and the best support. I agree with you about 'healthy' foods costing more than 'unhealthy' fast foods. However, you can still eat healthy for a cheaper price. One of the best places to shop for fresh produce is at the local Farmer's Market. Purchase your veggies there. Remember: bright fruits, dark deep colored veggies, and also include fibrous foods. By maintaining a high fiber, low-caloric diet, she should be able to lose weight.

Ruby's by the end of the pier? That's the best spot to go to! I think that the downstairs floor would be better, especially if you get a window seat. You can take her to Boomer's afterwards. (I hate how they re-named it as Boomers, it sounded better when it was originally named Bullwinkles.) It's only about 10 minutes away from there. I think that doing things that are active and that require team work is fun. You guys can go roller skating, at the one accross from Sportsmart. I love the roller skating rink there. They always play good music. Plus, if your date's a little rusty on her skating ability, then at least you can teach her how to skate. It's really cute and romantic during the slow jams session. There are tons of fun things to do in H.B. Have lotsa fun! Enjoy your date. Mahlina

Thought provoking question. Yes that's true. People come from all different walks in life. Who's to say that one's culture's view on romance is twisted, and the other one is not, right? (Except, I don't understand the concept of polygamy. How's that considered as love, right? But I can't be the judge of that either). I understand the some of the meaning behind the folkloric romance, but my biggest culture shock is the fact that I feel guilty for not truly understanding my own cultural rituals. For instance, how am I supposed to act around relatives, when I see them at weddings, new years, and funerals? I don't want to neglect the elders, by them misinterpreting my actions and thinking like I'm too good, or don't try respect them and treat them the way that they should be treated. There are certain ways to act, and certain things that we're supposed to say to adults, during different occasions. Sometimes I feel so rude when I don't know what to say or act around them. Like at weddings or new years, we have to say certain things as offerings to the elders. When I'm receiving my red envelope, I don't know what the heck to say to them, except, "Happy new years. Thanks for the red envelope. I wish you 100 years of life and good health." I feel guilty, because it sounds so generic that it makes me look like a complete moron. In reality, no one's ever taught me how to say those certain customary things for those occasions. I can speak my language fluently, but my understanding of customary rituals is not up to par. It's even more tough, when you're supposed to write to relatives in a in their language, because there are customary things that you say, and questions to ask. You just don't talk to them like any other strangers. It's a whole different style of interpersonal communication, in which I'm still learning.