paleoman

thanks for all the quick repsonses. I agree about the cheating part. It does bother me. I personally have never cheated on a gf of mine although there has been some trying situations. I like to give people second chances. It's obvious she doesn't love him anymore. The problem is she is terrified to break away with what has been her life over the last 6 years. I am the complete opposite of her bf. He is unattractive, crude, uneducated, low class. It shocks me that she is with him but she started dating him when she was young and that is all she knows. I think she was just overwhelmed by me. I am the exact opposite of this guy. And hate to say it but much better looking. I guess I am excited about the chase. I have always been that way. I have no idea how this relationship could work out. I would essentially pull her away from everything she has ever known and I think she may not be able to handle it. Its very sad because she is like this beautiful, fragile creature surrounded by filth and I just want to pull her away from the life she is going to have. Even if she is not meant to be with me I wouold hate to see her go down this path that is slowy ruining her.

Ok, I guess I am looking for advice for a kind of new situation for me. I haven't posted on these forums in a few years I think; that was after a bad break-up which I suppose I am still dealing with. So here is the new situation. I have been single for almost 2 years now. I have dated very casually but nothing too serious has happened. Well, I went up to visit some friends a few weeks ago and I met this really beautiful women. I haven't been so attracted to anyone since my last serious gf. Well, unfortunately her bf was out as well. My friends gf told me they had been together for 5-6 years. Well, my hopes were pretty much gone but this is where it gets interesting. So she comes over to sit with us and chat (I'll call her Susan). Well, the night went on and I felt that she was kind of flirting with me. Usually I am pretty good at detecting it but it has been awhile. Susans bf was not hanging out with us but being rather distant and sitting with his friends. He didn't seem to mind that she was spending so much time talking with us. Ok, how she ended up coming back with us without her bf is a mystery to me but next thing I know we were back at my friends house listening to music and I was dancing with her. Fast forward a few hours and we are in bed together. I don't know how all this happened but it was wonderful. I won't give all the details but it was one of the nicest times I have had with a women. she told me she was not in love with him anymore and she seemed so sad. Well, I gave her my # and that was that. I saw her again the next weekend but her bf was around so not much of a chance to talk. I think he must of felt something was fishy since he was much more attentive that night. Well, we have been e-mailing each other and getting to know each other better. She basically has not said much about what happened and has offered no insight into the possibilty of something happening between us. My friends gf is friends with her and she said that susan was overwhelmed that night and couldn't believe how loving and affectionate I was and she thinks she likes me but is so scared to change her life around. which being with me would def do. I am making some big changes in the next few months, perhaps going to grad school in europe but nothing is set in stone. I would appreciate any advice from women or men who have been in similar situations. I have a feeling that nothing but trouble and perhaps some more pain for this old heart of mine but I love a challenge, I feed off this type of situation which usually means I am going to get screwed!!

Hello stormy. I can relate to what you are going through. I am 3 years older than you and a male but can still understand your pain. My father dies when I was ten and my family life was also very turbulant. Don't feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Judging yourself against others is the worst thing you can do. Every persons life is diff and some people just have it easier. Whether that is just there own personal strength or their upbringing I don't know. I myself feel very similar to your situation. I have many friends and have even had a few gf's in this last year but nothing makes me happy or takes away this loneliness. I am starting to believe that certain people just feel this way and we have to learn to accept it and who we are. As much as we may want to give up on life and escape we must keep trying to beter ourselves. As soon as you have these thoughts try and realize that they are impermanent and transparent. That there is no such thing as happiness. It is illusory in nature. I have tried for many years now to find happiness in women. Somehow I thought they could take away my pain. I have had many relationships but here I am at 29 still single and still trying. But recently I realized that I have forgotten who I was. I used to be this person so fascinated with everything. I would read books on physics and buddhism and nutrition but I have lost site of all that in my pursuit of happiness. So do try and realize the transient nature of happiness and then maybe you will start to be happy. It is only a thought away. Try and envision love in your heart, love for everyone and everthing. Let go of negative feelings. They destroy the soul. You are never truly alone. Everyone is connected in this world even if it seems like we are such isolated beings. You could be surprised if you just start talking to someone. So, I hope this helps in some way. We both have lot's of work to do and the end goals may seem very distant but try and stay focused on school and try and enjoy the time you spend with your friends. Because that is all life is about. Not about money or fame or prestige. It is about surrounding yourself with beautiful people who love you for who you are, not who you will be. And remember nothing is impossible.

Hello all, Many months ago I was on these forums quite a bit after a very hard breakup. I guess I got through it the best I could but of course the pain is always somewhere deep inside me. Basically I am just going through a very hard time emotionally right now. After the breakup I took off to Mexico then Texas and did somehow manage to have some great new experiences. After coming back home I moved into a new apt and worked my butt off all year and finshed my two year degree in business. Prior to this I had a tech degree in computers. Well during that time I dated three people. The last one was an amazing person. She def helped me get over my ex in certain ways but she caught on to it and we broke up. Of course I didn't realize I loved her till it was too late. So she said she would like to be my friend after some time has passed. I am ok with that. But everything has seemed to just completely fall apart since the summer. I enrolled in a school in Newark (Rutger's business school) with less than 20 classes to go till I finish my BS. But after a week of classes I couldn't take it anymore. And during this time I lost my apt because I didn't renew the lease and they found another tenant (stupid mistake). So my only option was to move home to my mom's temp in PA. I am still in the apt for another night but have this horrible sinking, alone feeling. I have plenty of people to support me but I am so lost right now. It seems everything I have accomplished over this last year has vanished. I don't want to stay at my mother's. I am 29 years old and I just can't stand to stay there. So I have an option to move in with a friend and south jersey and go to school at rutgers campus down there. It seems like the best idea but still am just freaking out about the next 4 months. I do much better when I have structure and it is all about to disappear. From an objective standpoint my life seems ok. In the last two years I had the fortunate blessing to start receiving royalties (long story) so this has afforded the oppurtunity for school. I guess I am a pretty decent looking guy. Quite smart and very honest and loving to my friends and family. I have many friends and everyone always tells me how great I am. Unfortunately I am so depressed. I feel like everyone is ahead of me in life and I have fallen so far behind. I have not given up hope but I know it is going to get harder before it gets better. I guess I am hoping someone out there has been through similar exp and would like to share them with me. It's so amazing how suddenly your life can change and all I see in this exp is the negative. I know deep down inside it will probably work out for the best but right now all I feel is utter sadness. I miss my ex's more than ever and feel like I am completely detached from everything.

Not really sure what this post will be about. I guess as always the ex will be part of it. It has been many months since she broke up with me. not going to retell the story. I was pretty sure I wanted to marry her, it would have been hell. She never treated me the way I deserved. I tried so hard but she just wasn't ready. She still isn't. She has since moved on and is with someone else. Yet she continued to contact me. She called me a few days into the new year to wish me a happy new year. The conversation was ok, but I basically told her that I am not a part of her life anymore to which she replied "yes you are, yes you are". It's just so weird. She wants my friendship and said she wishes we could become closer as friends. I really don't understand why, I mean she is with someone new. I am friends with a few exes but it took a long time to reach that point. this hurt is still too new and painfull. The thought of being her friend is unbearable still. So, after torturing myself for months with the hope that she would come back to me. I decided to let it go. I called her the next day and basically told her everything I was feeling. I explained to her how much I loved her and because of that I would not be able to be her friend. she sounded upset but instantly became nasty and said she didn't want to talk about "emotional" stuff with me now. She said maybe one day she will realize all this. I told her "you know this may be the last time we talk, and we may never see each other again", she said she is just not ready for it, I said of course, you are with someone else! So, I said goodbye and asked her to not call me anymore. Well, that was 10 days ago and no word from her. I think this may be it. If she calls (which I think she will again) I am not going to answer or reply. It will be difficult. We were very close and I know it will hurt her knowing I am gone. She said that she cares about me so much and always will and that she misses me. I asked her on X-mas if she thinks we will ever see each other again, she said she is sure we will. It's all so weird. It's like she is some figment of my imagination. I miss her very much and still think of her every day. I have thought of her every day since I met her almost 2 years ago. It is scary thinking she will haunt my thoughts for years to come. I wish it wasn't so but I know the pain will diminish. I guess I have been feeling worse since I made this decision to finally say goodbye. but I know it is my only recourse. I guess I am still in love with her. I feel like the only way it will change is if I meet someone else who I develop feelings for. I have dated but nothing has changed. I am the type to hold on to things so break-ups always linger in my heart for so long. I do hope one day that we could possibly be friends. I have lost so many people in my life (friends&family) and I hate the thought of her not being some part of my life in the future. I know things always change and that anything is possible. I do not discount that. Perhaps she will realize she made a mistake or maybe she never will, but regardless I am trying to move on. I am hopefull, I do have a lot going for me and know that many girls would treat me how I deserve, just finding it hard to meet stimulating people. I have been so negative about relationships though, very pessimistic and doubtful. A big part of me now wants to be single because I don't want to deal with someone else's emotions and problems until I get mine sorted out. I have learned that is ok to love someone but it doesn't mean you have to be with them. She is a very confused person who has been through much herself and I hope one day her and I can talk about such things and help each other rather than hurt each other. I have ben very lonely as of late even though I have many friends and still am seeing people. So is it selfish of me to continue relationships that I know will go nowhere? I just can't handle a serious relationship now. I still don't know how she moved on the way she did. It's hard to imagine she could have serious feelings for someone. I guess that is just my ego talking. So, thanks for reading and hope everyone is trying to be positive and heal in this new year.

Thank you so much for your eloquent reply. I just talked with her about an hour ago. I called her. I needed to get it off my chest. I essentially said goodbye to her. I said some powerful things to her and even if she doesn't understand them today I think one day she may realize what she could have had with me. I truly have to let go now, I know if she hadn't met this guy her and I would have probably gone back and forth and it may or may not have worked out. I have and will always miss her greatly but I just need to heal and not talking to her is the only way for that to happen.

Since I have told this story many times here is the background info link removed She called me yesterday to wish me a happy new year. She started asking me pointless questions about what type of computer to buy, etc.. I told her I don't know, I don't sell them. She said she is going to be playing at Carnegie Hall with some orchestra. I congratulated her and she said I would be welcome to come see her there. I commented it would probably be awkward considering her bf will most likely be there. she said nothing, I said it again, she said nothing, she just completely switched topics and asked me what type of cell phone plan she should get. At this point I got frustrated and told her this small talk is irrelevant. I told her "I am not a part of your life anymore". She replied "yes you are, yes you are". I told her I wish we could really talk like we used to. She said she wants to and will call when she has time for me. This whole conversation deeply affected me. I broke down this morning and started sobbing. I miss her so badly and I don't understand what her intentions all. It has been 8 months hell and everytime she calls and sets me back. I feel it has finally come time to tell her that there is not going to be any friendship and that it is time for us to truly say goodbye, I know it will be hard but I am starting to realize I can't heal until I know she is gone for good. Does this make any sense?? Or should I just try and ignore her monthly calls?

Thanks for all the support guys. I know as much as I try there will always be a small part of me that wonders if she will come back. I guess I just have to accept that about me and move on. I feel like I have wasted so much time pining away. Now I am ready to start taking care of myself again. I have done enough abuse to myself and need to realize that everything will be ok in the long run. Thanks again.

Thanks guys. I know that is the right thing to do. I have been struggling with this for so long now. We never had a healthy relationship and she was quite terrible to me many times. But for some reason I was just drawn to her and the craziness. I thought I could heal her. I know now that was impossible. She needs to heal herself and go through this. In a way I kind of think she is rebelling. The guy she is with is 3-4 years younger which leads me to believe it is just a fling and will not be long term. I know it is silly to worry about her and him. I have been dating someone myself but I know it is not going to work out long term, it is just something to pass time. So, I guess I need to start telling myself she was not the one and that it is ok to be with someone else and have feelings again.

It has been 8 months since we officially split. She is now seeing someone else yet we still talk occasionally and she told me she misses me and will always care about me. We were as close as two people can be and the last time I saw her four months ago she broke down and tears and said she still had feelings for me but just cannot be with me at this time in her life. I still don't understand it. We talked a few weeks ago and she told me all she can be is a friend right now. she says she has moved on and is sort of involved with someone. I called her x-mas night because I just wanted to say hi and wish her happy holidays. she was not with him but at her families house and I was surprised she answered. She said it was so nice of me to call. I got a little emotional and told her I missed her very much and that she has been in my thoughts. She didn't really say anything. I asked her if she thinks we will see each other again some day and she said "I am sure we will, I am sure we will". Then we got off the phone. It was sad but just hearing her say that made me feel better in some way. I am not sure if she was saying that just to be nice or part of her still misses me and wants to see me again at some point. I truly believe she is just very confused about her life. We are both 29 but she was in a 5 year relationship before me and she got married then her husband left her after only 5 weeks and got married a year later to a 36 year old women. I think that messed her up more then I realized and I was kind of her rebound even though I was unaware at the time. I just wonder if keeping that little bit of hope will discourage me from finding someone new and falling in love again? I want to let go and truly move on but I just love her still so much even after all this time.

I wish you were not feeling so much pain. this is a very hard time of year for people who have lost someone. It can and will get better. this is my first x-mas in a long time that I have been alone. All I can think is that it will make the next x-mas I spend with someone all that more special. Remember in life there are no guarantees and just because she is with someone else does not mean she is not thinking of you and that she is having some amazing time. When you are feeling like this it is easy to think your ex is living some wonderful life and having fun. But they are just human like you and me and will go through the same pains and emotions we do. Since this is such a new pain you are going through you need to make sure you don't contact her, it will only make things worse, trust me on that one. Start taking care of yourself, find a new job, find two just to stay busy. This is not the time to be sitting home alone with your thoughts. Don't give them that. X-mas is almost over so you made it and maybe mext year at this time you will be with a new love or back with the ex or alone, there is no telling but spend your time productively and take care of yourself, it is all you have in the end.

It's been 8 months she is with someone new. I have written many times about this and had much great advice. I am sitting here alone on Christmas eve. I guess I could have spent it with family or friends but everyone seems to be with someone. I just don't understand why I am feeling so empty and alone. She has kept in touch with me and still tells me she cares so much about me and that she misses me but all she can be is a friend right now. I wanted to hear from her so bad tonight and wanted to call but didn't. I am just sitting here listening to sad songs and missing her so bad. I know she is with family and her new guy and this time last year she was with me. It is so hard to accept that she is not coming back to me. I don't understand how people fall out of love. I tried so hard to win her back and did for a few weeks over the summer but it was fleeting and empty. I don't miss the physical aspect of the relationship, I just miss her. I haven't seen her in over 4 months and it hurts so bad. I can't get out of this self destructive phase. I have been smoking and drinking instead of treating myself well. I am 28, been told very good looking and doing well in life. I have such great friends and have no problem meeting women, I am sort of in a relationship right now but she just doesn't fill this void. I tried escaping by traveling all summer around mexico but she was all I thought about. When does this end? I hate to think I have to fall in love again to let go. It seems like most people do it that way. I am scared that I am starting to obsess about her. Logically I understand my feelings but they just won't go away. I feel like I have so much to offer a person but part of me is so disgusted with relationships that I think I should just be by myself for awhile. It's so hard to do. A part of me thinks she will come back to me someday when she realizes noone will love her like I did. But this sort of thinking keeps me from moving on. Last time we spoke (last week) she acted so cold and basically told me it's ok to move on, she said we can talk about the emotional stuff one day but not now and that one day we will see each other but not until I am ready. she was treating me like some sad child but I guess I was acting that way. I am holding myself back from who I really am and I guess I think someone will be able to replace this emptiness within me. I am starting to realize this will never happen. I have this amazing voice and have been told by professional musicians that I am wasting my talent. She is a musician and that is part of what drew us to each other. We used to sit in her room and she would play guitar and I would sing, it was so amazing but once I 'had' her I stopped playing with her. Now I am scared to go out and become who I know I could be. Why am I so afraid of opening up? I have played out before but as I get older I become more fearful. I know I will not find happiness in another till I find it in myself. Sorry for all these incoherent thoughts but I had to get them out tonight. Thanks for listening and hope everyone is getting through the holidays and trying to stay positive even though we are all going through so much. When I read the messages on this forum it gives me hope knowing there are so many incredible, loving people out there.

Well after 8 months of insanity I think I have to accept that she is not going to come back. It was an intense relationship and there were many problems but I loved her through it all and tried like hell to make things ok but she just would never let it be. We broke up last May and I took off for Mexico, when I got back 1.5 months later we briefly rekindled it but she quickly said she just isn't ready to be in a relationship with me right now. Well we constantly spoke on the phone but I soon realized she must have met someone else since the daily phone calls stopped in late August. Skip to now, yes she has told me she was seeing someone. Then she called again and she said she didn't have a boyfriend. Then last week we spoke again and it was "I am sort of involved with someone and it is ok for you to move on now". She told me she cares for me and always will and that she misses me but all she can be is my friend. She is the one who has consistantly kept in touch with me since our breakup. She is 29 and this new guy is 25/26, I am 28. It hurts so bad that she is with someone younger and less mature. I am seeing someone as well now who is 32. She got all upset on the phone and said she doesn't want to talk about the emotional stuff right now, maybe in the future. She also said she wants to see me in the future but doesn't think I am aready to be friends. She has been so selfish and nasty to me so why do I keep taking her punishment. I am really resenting her right now and just feel so frustrated and know there is nothing I can do to make her see the truth. So what do I do now? I assume just not answer her calls or e-mails when she contacts me would be a start? But part of me thinks that if I try and be nice and sort of a friend that one day when her little fling is over she will come back when she realized what she had with me, is this stupid? I really have no reason to complain about my life, things seem great to an observer but I just miss her so darn much and expecially with the holidays coming up. I know she is going to call, should I just be polite and wish her a merry x-mas and then get off the phone? Any advice would be great!! Logically I know she is not good for me right now and maybe ever but my heart is having such a hard time figuring this all out. Sidenote: one of the main problems she had with us was the fact that a close friend of mine happened to be an ex gf and also was the one who introduced us in the first place. she just could not accept the fact that we were friends and acted insanely jealous of it. I tried to make her understand. Now all I can think is she is such a hippocrite because she is trying to be my friend when she is dating someone else. She is doing the same thing. I doubt she tells this guy that she calls me.

I won't go into the whole story since I have told it on here many times. My ex of 7 months called me before x-giving, she wished me well and said that last x-giving was fun with me. we are both 29 and dated for a year, I was never in love with anyone as much as her. I am now seeing someone else as is she. she is dating someone 3 years younger and I someone 3 years older. I don't think I am going to fall in love. I like her but just doesn't feel the same. So I called the ex today returning her call. She called twice the day before x-giving so I figured she really wanted to talk. So tonight we talked, instantly I had her laughing, we always had such wonderful conversations. We chatted a bit and out of the blue she asked me I was with someone, I said I have met some people but nothing serious. We dropped it after that. I asked her if she was doing well and she said she was really busy, I said with the new guy and she just replied with everything. I asked her if she would like to get together sometime. She paused and said, not right now, not yet, maybe in the future. I said I care about her and want her to always be in my life. she said she knows. I said for her to call me, she said ok. I of course have been analyzing what she said to death, trying to find the meaning in it. I figure she is just making sure the door is still open. I think she knows if we hang out that things could happen. So, I am not going to change anything and keep doing what I have been doing but now part of me is thinking that there may be some hope alive and that she must not be so happy with the new relationship. I just feel that she will come back some day and I hope I have that second chance. she knows how much I loved her. She said it was just bad timing for her and that she will always love me and thinks I am such a beautiful amazing person. I hope after talking to me tonight she will think of me and maybe she will want to see me in the future as she said.

I haven't talked to my ex in over a month then she called on Wednesday. We have been technically split for about 6-7 months, with a brief relapse over the summer for a few weeks at which point she said she can't be with me right now. She has since started seeing someone else. Last month when she called it was under the guise of her going somewhere close to where I used to live and asking for directions. I told her her boyfriend should probably help her with such things. She said she doesn't have a boyfriend, whatever. So she calls out of the blue again the next day, asking for directions to a train station, how silly. I got annoyed at this point and asked her why she said she didn't have a boyfriend. she got annoyed and told me she has moved on and WAS seeing someone, which she had told me prior. I got upset and called her back leaving a nasty message. So that is where it was left. So wed she calls, I, for the first time was able to not answer her call. she left a message wishing me a great x-giving and asked how everything was going. She then said that last year she had so much fun with me on x-giving. Of course I was curious as to why she said that and just assumed she was feeling nostalgic. I didn't call back but later that evening she called again, I again did not answer. She didn't leave a message that time. Well it is now sat night and she hasn't called again. I have been seeing someone as well and for the first time since my ex I am able to have feelings again. she stayed over last night and we had a nice time. I have no idea what is going to come of this new girl but I do like her. She reminds me of my ex in the positive ways. I am just so confused. I feel good that I was able to not answer her call even though I wanted to talk to her. My mind started racing, maybe she is no longer seeing this guy, maybe she misses me and is thinking of me (I do believe that to be true in some way). Or maybe she is just trying to be friendly, regardless it through me for a bit of a loop. Of course part of me now wants to respond to her and tell her thanks for calling and hope she had a nice x-giving, nothing more. I was just going to send her an e-mail. I am sure she will write back asking for more details of my life. Part of me still wonders if her and I will ever be together again. I never loved or cared about anyone more deeply and tried so hard to make her realize this. But alas I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because It will just rehash so much pain. I just miss her still even though I am seeing someone new who I honestly like. I just found it weird that she called. Any advice would be nice. Thanks.