mahlina

I think that having some sort of faith or spiritual guidance does help. As Tiger_Lilies pointed out earlier, even if we find serenity in our lives, we'll still feel that loneliness sometimes. I have a friend who's really religious, but she'll periodically call me up crying sometimes, because she lives on her own, has God in her life, but still feels alone. Ultimately, what it most likely boils down to, is how we each individually cope with our saddness. What I find that's helpful is: Laughter. I can't help it. Sometimes, when I have my days of saddness, I'll watch a show of Jay Leno or SNL, and all of a sudden, I'm cracking up and am happy all over again! I think that if you can laugh at the little things in life, it also helps to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Being able to laugh or smile helps you to stay optimistic. Also, I think that reminiscing on the 'good times' from the past, helps out a lot too. It also helps us to feel enthusiastic, and adds pizzazz to our lives. It's good to remember things from back in the days. You sorta stay in touch with your youth. That's why, every time my friends and I have a get-together, it's fun to reminisce on how silly we were back then. I will always remember how fun it was to grow up in the 90s, like back in the days when people were all ghettofied with their attire! It's fun to look back and laugh at the little things. The memories are worth savoring. Although we matured in different ways, at least we're still the same person. The bond and the memories that we share, helps to reinforce who we truly are deep down inside. We're not that sad, lonely, aging-people. We're still that young, hip, vivacious & happy people that we were even once before our of heartaches ever began! As long as we don't lose focus of who we are, and stay true to ourselves, then I think that it helps us to feel less alone. About feeling alone, because we're not in a relationship, I like to tell myself: "If it's meant to happen, then it will happen." When a relationship is meant to happen, then it will happen. Whenever I was happy and enjoyed being single, that's when I stumbled accross one of my greatest romances! I guess we will all have our good days and our bad days. Key thing here is to remember: Don't give up hope! And, when we do start feeling a little sad, do things to keep ourselves busy. That's what helps me a lot too. Hope this helps. Nice topic Tiger_Lilies!

Go for it. She likes you. Trust me. Girls will not lay their hearts on the line like that. It takes a lot of nerves to do this. You guys probably shared a 'strong' bond that kept her thinking about you all throughout these years. If anything, get out there and enjoy the experience. You guys sound like to puppies falling in love all over again! Good luck to your romance, and keep us posted. O Mahlina

Yeah, I'm working on my spiritual path too. Although I'm Catholic, I still find a lot of inner peace with the teachings of Tibetan Budhism. I think that it's a beautiful philosophy, a different way to look at life. I bought some books on it, but haven't been able to read into details. I also find that helping others helps me. That's why, when I do get settled into a career, I look forward to volunteering more of my time to kids. That's where the future looks promising. I can't wait to do all of this! I'm just financially crippled right now. So I don't have much time to do so, but I will make the time. I plan to do some volunteerwork at my old elementary school. Helping others helps to bring a lot of satisfaction in life. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one in this world. Every little sense of grattitude I feel when I help others, I feel much happier about my life... P.S.-Re-Edit: I also remember reading about something that the Dalai Lama said about 'loneliness.' He said something like, "If we close ourselves to the world, then we feel more alone. But if we open up to others, and open up our hearts, then we'll feel much more happier, much more fulfilled. " (But that's where nice people get taken for granted of. I guess it's good to always keep things balanced in life. Giving too much is bad. Giving too little is bad. Giving moderately in between is just right).

Hey all of you, I'm in the same boat. I remember my gerentology teacher told me this once. I will never forget it. She said that there is a growing trend for elderly women living single. Their husbands either die, and they end up living alone. She goes, "So learn to live alone." That's probably one of the wisest advice I ever heard. And, she was only a gerentology teacher, not a psychologist. Some people say the simplest things. The little things that they say, makes a whole lot of sense. I know how it feels. That's why I'm trying to get my life and career together. I can't wait til the day where I can say, I bought my own house, and am able to be on my own. I too have a little dog. I hope that he'll still be alive by the time I move out of my mom's house. I plan on building my life as a young single woman. If I do run into Mr. Right, then I don't mind inviting him into my life. For now, it's slim pickins. Guys my age aren't really ready to settle. And like my guy cousin says, I have to be careful with their motives. Not that all of them just want women for sex, but he told me to be very careful. I have faith that there are nice guys out there. It's probably not the right time for me to meet them anyway. I can truly empathize with all of you ladies though. I too feel as like my biological clock is clicking. That's life for ya. We just gotta stay strong and have faith that things will work out in the end. Stay strong everyone. Hang in there...-Mahlina

5 Top Qualities: 1. Shy 2. Confident (quiet confidence, humbleness) 3. Intellegence 4. Funny 5. Trustworthy 5 Unimportant Qualities: 1. Muscular 2. Sporty 3. Nice butt 4. Different 5. ...(Can't think of a 5th one). If a guy can play a guitar, then that's a huge plus!

A true friend is always there for good advice. I had a situation in which my friend 'went wild.' Now, she's 21 years old with 2 kids. If she didn't want to take my advice, then fine, it's her life. Although I didn't agree with her habits, whenever she did call me for advice, I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I told her what she needed to hear. At least, I can walk away feeling good that I knew I did the right thing. That's what true friends are for. We watch each other's backs because we care.

I don't see anything wrong with saying that ex's can be friends. It's more like keeping the friendship on an acqaintances level. You can be friends, in order to keep things at peace with each other. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll still be close. It's good to keep things on good terms with the ex, even if the relationship didn't work out for the best. I'm just the type of person who doesn't like to live life with regrets. If two people aren't simply meant for each other, then it doesn't mean that they should be enemies and hate each other forever. Living life with grudges is one of the worst ways to carry on from a break-up. It only makes life 10x's worse.

No girl is ever truly too busy to be with her man. I hate to tell you this, but I think that it's best to move on. When she says "I don't know," she really knows what she wants. If she truly wanted to be with you, then her actions will show it. Otherwise, her excuses are just excuses. Women know who is and isn't right for them. We follow our hearts when it comes to guys who we think could be potentially 'the one' for us. If we feel that our partners are not right person for us, then we don't want to waste their time. So we permanantly break things off with them. I see that this break-up is really tough on your emotions. I don't blame you. However, you want to be with someone who likes you just as much as you like them. If two people are meant to be, then both partners will feel that mutual attraction for each other. The chemistry's either there or it's not. There's no way of convincing her to love you the same way that you love her. She's not the last girl who will make you feel complete. You will run into more girls who you will find interest in. Keep this in mind: Do not allow her to pounce on your heart. Do not allow yourself to be her doormat! Be real to who you are, and what you need. You deserve all of the love, respect and mutual admiration as a human being. Just remember that!

I don't know why some girls do this either. It's one thing to dress up all provocative, but it's another thing to actually become all 'easy.' I don't know if it's a phase thing. I see it more as a self-esteem issue. Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of dressing trendy back then during my teen years, but I didn't walk around wearing a tube top as a mini-skirt. I didn't dress up hootchie-mamma. Nor did I allow myself to degrade my own body by getting all sexual. I just became a little more stylish that's all. Perhaps your friend also has an underlying reason. Maybe she's a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and is just acting out on her emotions? You will never know when it comes to child sexual abuse survivors. Some actually grow up to be okay, and don't develop self-esteem issues. Whereas the others, they don't resolve their emotions properly, and tend to act out. If I were you, I'd still be friends with her and be there for support. That's what friends are for. You're doing a great job so far. Show her your concerns, and if she's not willing to do something about it, then let it be. Sometimes, we can't get people to change, even though our intentions are good. They won't realize things for themselves until they decide that they want to. But no matter what, if you truly don't believe that she's doing something right, remember to express how you truly feel (even though it's something that she might not want to hear). I'm just the type of person who doesn't like to sugar-coat things. I'd feel guilty for not doing the right thing when it comes to people who I care about. Hope this helps.

When I lose interest in a guy, I'll keep my distance, keep the conversations short and casual, and avoid hanging out with him in general. If he insists on hanging out, then I'll make up excuses and say that I can't. If he hints on being more than just friends, I'll use my ex as an excuse and say, "I'm not over him yet". Then afterwards, I'll still be nice, but will really keep my distance and avoid contact as much as possible. In the case of friendships with the ex, and them wanting to get back together, I'll say: "I'm glad that we can still friends. You're so much like a brother!" Afterwards, I'll do what I normally do: avoid contact. Avoiding contact is the most subtle approach to letting a guy know that I just see him more as a friend.

Gauchori, that is tooo funny!! LoL!

I don't know how the Indian dowry system works, since I'm not Indian. I guess that could be the case. I also have an Indian friend, who's not planning to get into an arranged marriage. In fact, her parents aren't even insisting on it. thereforeeee, it really depends on the individual. I guess with arranged marriages, it could be for other purposes. However, I rarely see people in my generation having to bear with arranged marriages. I see that in a lot of older generations, my parents being one of them. Even then, it was not for money. Every culture works differently. I just mind my own business and live my own life. I could care less about who my mom wants me to marry, and for whatever reasons that go along with it. I am intrigued with how different cultural traditions work though, but I don't know much about every one of them. I wish I did. So I can't elaborate on the discussion of arranged marriages...

I don't necessarily think that it's an Asian thing. You could be right in some ways though. I won't use the word fobby as something derogatory. So let's just say Asians from Asia. I've seen these types Asian chicks from Asia, who come to America, and be really dependent on men in particular. I guess it's because they're taught differently. But then again, not all of them are like that. Just the ones that I've encountered so far. As an Americanized Asian, I don't see myself depending on a guy for his money. I don't think that Asian women want a guy for his money, nor are we more attracted to a guy because of his car, or his material possessions. I've seen Asian guys drive in nice Mercedezs, but when they open their mouth and brag, I see that more as a complete 'turn-off'. I'd rather have a nice guy who's humble, rather than someone who walks around with this 'title' and tries to flaunt it like he's God. If anything, people with egotistical mentalities are people who I avoid hanging around with in general. If a guy can be proud for who he is, do good deeds for others, and drives around in a beat up car, then that's more attractive than a guy who drives around all snooty in a nice car. Realize it's important to just be you. If a girl can't like your for who you are, then it's her loss. She's just shallow and materialistic. Not all Asian women are like that, just some. But you'll find that same kind of mentality in any culture.

Okay, re-edit. I read too fast. Try not to get into the friends w/benfits deal. In the end, someone will get hurt. Either you, or the ex. It's best to keep things in life simple. Leave the past where it belongs.

I'm not saying that harmones are the sole answers to this equation. Of course love goes beyond scientific reasoning. But we can't rule it out completely. Harmones are just a part of it. Our actions and how much effort we put into a relationship will determine the potential outcome of love. If there's scientific evidence to back up an argument, then I think that it's something worth thinking about! It's always good to keep an "open mind" to different explainations, and not just rule out everything else as unacceptable, just because we do not believe it is true. I personally enjoy keeping an open-mind to different possibilities and different explainations. That's why I also think that meeting the right person has a lot to do with fate, in which science cannot explain either.

Lily, about the biological explainations about love. I think that it's a combination of actually physically being around our partners that also builds on that bond. Oxytocin, the hormone of love, actually explains why some women grow an attachment to loving their partners. It's the same hormone that's triggered during bonding, such as hugging, kissing, pecking, and of course, sex. Even when we're not physically around our partners, we tend to think about them. It's the memories that trigger our bodies to release oxytocin. thereforeeee, I truly believe that's one of the reasons why some women have a tough time getting over breakups. It takes a while for the oxytocin to wear off. Here's a site to that will help you to get started on ideas for your research. link removed I used her as one of my references for an essay in one of my gen. ed. classes. Very interesting topic!

Oh I know what you mean too Lily! I honestly think that once a person likes someone, that unspoken bond that they have will always be there. Maybe not as strong. I think that it's mainly because people have unresolved feelings. They didn't actually have the chance to get a taste of who that person's really like. So thoughts about that person still lingers. I see a few posts on eNotalone about how people tend to not forget about their crushes, so that's what leads me to believe that the chemistry will still be there, but not as much. It all has to do with timing. People end up with other partners. They grow apart. In the end, they fall in love with their other partners even more. There's also things like reuniting with an old flame, when people are old and retired, and their spoues are long gone. I've seen stories like this. I truly think that if two people are meant to be, then things will happen naturally. About mutual attraction, it's probably a combination of meeting the right match, and fate allowing them to meet at the 'right' time. I've seen couples who are truly madly deeply in love with each other. You know how the saying goes, relationships aren't always equal, where one partner loves more than the other? Where I used to work at, I worked with 2 old couples who were still walking around holding hands with each other. They looked like two young teenagers falling in love all over again, but they were in their 80s, and had close to 60 years of marriage! It was really neat how their chemistry was so strong. It didn't appear like they had an imbalance of attraction. So I think that it's possible to share that mutual chemistry. They were just lucky enough to have found each other as their 'true' soulmates. This topic is truly an intriguing subject. You'll have so much fun doing a research on it in your studies. O There are so many things that go unexplained in this universe. Love is just one of the mysteries of life.

Antzca2000, I understand what you are saying, but I think that you're taking this post way too seriously. The poster was just asking for our opinions. No one's trying to insult anyone here. We're just trying to have a good time, in the meanwhile, enjoy each other's friendly advice.

Sole, I know exactly how you feel. It feels so awkward. Especially when it's a boyfriend among the group of girlfriends. I always get these weird vibes around my friends, when their boyfriends are around. Even with my girl cousins too! They'll say something like, "I think that you and my boyfriend would make a good pair if he and I weren't dating." I'm just like, "Girl, you need to have more confidence about your relationship." But it feels weird when your own friends say these things. It also feels really weird when you get these stares, and then the guys do this eye contact thing with each other. In situations like that, me naturally being a shy person, I often want to run away. I just feel like a piece of meat. I don't even send off the wrong signals. I just mind my own business. I don't understand why this happens. And, I dislike it when they do this handshake thing with their buddies while we're in the middle of a conversation. It's like, "Okay. You have a girlfriend. You're not a pimp, if that's what you're thinking." I don't know. It just feels odd when guys who have girlfriends flirt. It's so disrespectful. But at the same time, I just wanna be me. So I can't straight up give them an attitude and act like a meany. That's just out of my nature. I guess the best way to deal with it is to just ignore it. I also had an incident in which I hadn't seen one of my friends in a long time. We decide to hang out this one night with her bf tagging along. Next day, I get a phone call, and she says, "My boyfriend wants to have a 3-some. Would you ever consider?" What the hell?? I guess they're called swingers? I didn't think that swingers actually existed! People are so random. I don't get it. I always thought of reality as being something that you see on the Andy Griffith show, in which people actually had morals. I guess people are more sick than you think. I also hate to think that worst in people. But of all of my experiences, reality is seriously sinking in....

Funny. Now that I think about it, one of my ex's sisters had the same name as mine too. It was confusing at the dinner table at times. He used to joke about how his mom was so lucky to have two daughters of the 'same' name. LoL! Of course we weren't married, but it was cute the way that he said that. I gave it a second thought. I probably can date someone with my dad's name, but the thought of it being weird would cross my mind, at times. If you think about it, how would it feel if you were to say their names in a wedding vow? It's not a big deal, but I'm just curious as to how it would feel. Hehe.

I personally couldn't. Maybe you can give her a nickname instead? That would actually be even cuter!

Sounds like the early warning signs of 'abuse' to me. Especially on a day like Thanksgiving, he should've been more appreciative, and tried to keep a 'jovial' mood. But no, he insisted on emotionally/verbally hurting you! That's not love to me. He sounds like a big baby for his age! Calling you all of those names, then telling you to ask "someone who gives an F"? That's not something that you should have to deal with. If he can't control his behavior, then let it be a warning sign. Walk out. Think about how he will talk around your kids, if you guys do end up having any children together. Think about how he would act around them. I know that you're just boyfriend/girlfriend, but still. Think about how his mouth and temper will be like around kids. They don't need that kind of exposure! I certainly do not appreciate what he said to you! Realize that you deserve better. A person will only push you around, if they feel as though they can. If anything, he should've helped you to prepare the meal without you having to ask. That's just what a 'gentleman' does. Hang in there. You deserve respect. You are worth it!

My ex said this one line that I will never forget. It was one of the most sincere lines that I've heard. It was my birthday, and it was raining outside. I hadn't seen him for a while, and he surprised me. Upon picking me up, he pulled out a box of diamond earings, and said, "Open it. I know that you have pierced ears, and you never wear any earings. It's not much, but I thought that it would be nice for you to finally have a pair." I don't know what it was. Maybe it was his tone of voice, and his thoughtfulness that really made me cry. I loved what he said more than the earings. I still don't wear those earings, but I will always remember that line. I think that it's mainly because he's not rich. Just the thought of him being observant and considerate is what really made me emotional. It's the intentions behind what people say that matters most. I had an ex who was far more rich than my other ex, but everytime he said or did something, it just didn't seem to have the 'same' effect. I think that it's mainly because in his case, money doesn't buy love. I'm not sure if it's what a guy can say or do to steal a girl's heart, but it's his intentions that matters most. If his actions are sincere, then she will see it. Sure, a girl can receive as many lines or gilfts from a guy, but it may not have any meaning. Some women can intuitively detect if a guy's intentions are sincere, or not. No matter what a guy says, no matter what he buys, no matter what stunts he pulls, his actions will come off as 'phonyness,' if the lady senses that his motives are for 'something else.' That's why it's important to be sincere, no matter what. Otherwise, a guy's actions will win the wrong attention. Even though I don't have feelings for ex's anymore, it will always be the meaning behind their actions that I will always keep in my heart. It's the little things that a person says or does, that leaves an imprint on a person's emotions. It's not necessarily the big 'showy' things that people do that matters. It's the little things they do that count...

There's also a scientific explaination to it as well. I think that chemistry has a lot to do with a combination of things, mostly influenced by our hormones. For instance, when meeting someone that you might have interest in, it's those pheremones that really trigger a cascade of emotions that causes you to feel as though you guys just 'click.' Honestly, looking back at my relationship with my recent ex, I seriously don't know what made me fall for him in the first place. On a regular day-to-day basis, I don't think that I would've felt that same exact 'chemistry' with him. But it was just that perfect moment in time, in which everything seemed to fall into place at the right time. It takes a lot for me to actually truly like a guy. But with him, it was almost instant. thereforeeee, I highly think that pheromones determine whether or not that chemistry will ignite that bond between two people. Of course, there are also other things to consider such as sharing common values, interests, etc. But it's that powerful & unexplainable physiological affect that's hard to describe. The feeling of sharing true chemistry with a person doesn't happen all of the time. When it does, it's this unique and perfect balance of our hormones/emotions that work in sync with each other at the right time...

Wow, Famez...that was a deep post. I understand how you feel. I feel the same way as you, in a sense that I don't fit in with the 'mentality' of people where I live, and I don't fit into typical mentailiy of some of the students at my school as well. Where I live, people are major snobs. I resent moving out here. I guess it's because half of my life was spent living in a not-so-rich community. Now that I live in a well-to-do area, I kinda have to learn how to accept the kind of attitude that comes along with it. Most of the students that I run into are nothing but materialistic, fake, trash-talking, spoiled brats. Sure, some of them are truly nice. That's just very little. I hardly run into anyone who's true or genuine to themselves. It's always about keeping this 'crowd pleaser' mentality. I will never understand them. When I have free time, I always find myself driving away from this community, and hanging out in other places where I enjoy. I just cannot stand it out here! I can honestly say, I like people out in North Carolina better than I do where I live. I met some of the nicest people out there. They're so sweet/down-to-earth. I do however, enjoy some of the people in my area though. Some of them are really nice/respectful as well. I think it's admirable that you know yourself so well. As a college student myself, I find that half of the times, some students don't even know who they truly are. They go to parties. Talk all fake. Get drunk. Get wasted. Engage in casual sex. I just don't understand where they find the fascinaiton behind all of this. There's no meaning to half of the things that they do. I especially don't understand why they have to act so fake! Anyway, I too did not have a great childhood. I used to have lots of trust issues, especially with the oppossite sex, but it's slowly dying down. I know what you mean about building walls, but honestly, I think that it's important to also learn how to trust people. Learn how to let go and enjoy things in life. If people can't accept you for who you are, then screw them. If they dig shallowness, then let them live in their own shallow/fake lives. Take pride in being who you are. As long as you don't hurt others, and you do things from your heart, then that's all that matters. I enjoy people who are genuine to themselves. Hang in there. Can't wait to get the heck out of where I live too. I cannot stand this place! I often call it Boonieville, even though it's not. That's just how much I dislike it! That's all I gotta say. Take Care...