terk2021

RedSuede, Congrats, and good stuff. Why don't you share some of the specifics as to what you feel really helped you heal. Not just the high level stuff...

Things can be different, but they can also be the same. I am not saying to prepare for the worst, but remember, she did leave once. You have to take it slow, and operate at her pace if it's going to work. Good luck. Most of us would love second chances with our ex...

Continuing to contact him does make things worse. It is probably one of the hardest things you are going to do, because your heart is telling you that if you just say or do something, it will make him come back. The only one you have control over right now is you. Believe me, I know how hard it is. I still to this day look for reasons to contact my ex, and she asked me on multiple occasions to stop contacting her. You are not a stalker, or a harasser, you are simply someone who is in love and wants to do anything to get your ex back... Someone posted above about not contacting him anymore. Give him the opportunity to miss you. If he does, then he will come back. If he does not come back, then you should be on your way to recovery. Erase his number(s) from your phone, his email address. Put away any pictures, reminders of him, and make a deal with yourself that you deserve better. I wish you the best.

I spent 2 months being a supportive friend, and 8 months of dating her. We had a 5 year friendship together before any of that ever started... In your case, I would probably sit down with him, let him know how you feel. Your feelings are strong, and if you continue with him, they will get stronger. He's probably not a bad guy, but you should not have to suffer the consequences of him not being over his ex yet. You should tell him to take the time to heal, and when he is over his ex, to give you a call if he is interested. It sounds a little harsh, but you have to protect yourself from getting hurt. Being the rebound is never really a fun place to be. Good luck. It's time to pack, and leave reality for a week.

I met an incredible woman in 1999 at a company I worked for. I was only there for about 6 weeks, but we became friends fairly quickly. Of course she had a boyfriend, which became her fiance, her husband, and separated 1 year after. Well, during this time (1999-2004) we were friends off and on because her ex could not stand me. We were close friends, and we stopped hanging out because of it. Well, about 2 months into her separation, she called me to go have dinner. It was all friendship for the first few times we met up. I was there to comfort her. After dinner one night, I kissed her. Instant karma. I wanted to date her from the second I met her in 99. We went out for about 8 months. 3 months in, I realized I was in love with her. I began to tell her that, and never heard it in return. I thought it would happen in time. We always had fun together, took a few trips together, and it just seemed very static. I fell further, she enjoyed being with me. After dinner one night, we went back to my apartment and I told her I had to end it. I loved her so much, and would have much rather put a ring on her finger than ask her to walk away. It was hell for about 6 months. I went through a few rebound relationships myself after that. Nothing that lasted to long, and then I met someone in June of 05 and we got very serious. We got engaged, and were 1 month away from a wedding last year and called it off (that's another story all together). Well, 3 months after all of that, I called her up and we went out as friends (around October last year). We have been dating since November, and are actually leaving for a vacation tomorrow. It's funny how life works. I have someone back in my life that I thought I would never see again. The reality back then was that she had gone through something very painful. I was there for her in so many ways. All has been forgiven, and we are off to a new start. God has his plan. Have trust, have faith, and everything will work itself out... I hope this helps. I wish you the best.

That's a tough call. It's great when she knocks on your door, comes in, and you have fun, but then she's gone. You wonder if you will ever be back together. The reality is here is that she is in control. I went through this last year. I broke off our relationship (long story, but had to be done). I went through 2 weeks of hell of NC, and she started calling a lot. "I miss you", "I messed up", "I want us back to where we were"... Well, I fell for it, went back, had a few great weeks of thinking we were getting back together and BAM, she wanted a break. Well, happened one more time, I fell for it, and BAM, she wanted a longer break. Needless to say, I kept trying to win her back. If you want a relationship with her and she does not, end it now. Tell her that if and when she decides she wants a relationship with you, there is something to talk about. You are in a bad spot right now, because you are still seeing her, and think that you will continue to get to see her. In reality, it's all on her terms though. I wish you well. It's a very tough spot to be in. No one here really can tell you what to do, just wanted to share my experience with you...

All great questions. As for the 1st one, it's not you. He is most likely not over his ex yet. I have been on both sides of this equation. I have been rebound guy over someone I fell in love with. I know she cared about me a lot, but her heart was not healed yet. As for question 2, it's tough to answer. It's very easy to say it's not worth it. Why? Because it sounds like the further you go with it, the more involved you will become, and the more you will care for him, and probably fall in love with him. If you can accept it for what it is, than no one really has the right to tell you not to see him. 3. This happens all the time. It is happening to me right now. Great story. Private message me if you want to hear it...

First off, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It would be nice if there were magic words any of us could say to make the pain go away. Sometimes it really hurts to have a heart, because it takes control over our minds, and really can put us in a bad state. I will by no means try and justify his actions, but many guys in their early 20s/late teens have not really matured yet, or are ready for that type of relationship. I am 35, and thinking back to the way I was in college, I was certainly not a saint and did not treat relationships with the respect they deserve. Don't beat yourself up. The first thing you need to do is know that you did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you. You just are dealing with an immature guy that does not want to be in a relationship. College should be a fun time for you. He does not deserve your love. Try and concentrate on having fun, and doing good in school. You should have so much to look forward to. Good luck. As hard as it sounds, you will look back on this some day as a learning experience. Nothing anyone can say right now will change how you feel. Time and acceptance are what's going to allow you to heal...

I am not sure if you are set up for it or not. Just keep posting here, and we are all here to help...

John, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You are dealing with someone that may just not ready to get married. I went through a very similar situation last year. We bought a house together 3 months prior to our wedding date. It seemed as the date got closer, we got further apart. We canceled the wedding 1 month prior, and stayed together for about another 1.5 months. It just kept going down hill. So many questions go through your head as to how someone that loves you so much does the things they do. She is probably feeling that getting married is going to take her freedom away from her. Are you wrong to ask her those things? I don't think so. As you said, she has a lot of single friends. She may be seeing this as the lifestyle she wants. I assume you are going to get responses to kick her to the curb, or take a break from the relationship, go NC... It's very, very hard to do. I had my fiance move out. I am so very lucky I did not put her name on this house. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I thought if I could just stick it out, she would come around. Maybe she would have. We still saw each other off and on through November of last year, but it just came to end. I have been trying to get her back, but I guess as time passes by, I am realizing that my heart was leading me, not my head. You should be with someone who wants to be with you. Be with someone that loves you just as much as you love them. If you still want to be in this relationship, then you really need to sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Let her know how you feel. You are not in the wrong here. She probably feels she is losing some of her freedom... Maybe counseling could help as well. If you brought something like that up, it may give you an indication about how serious she is about wanting to make the relationship work. I feel for you my friend. I am still suffering tremendously over the loss of my fiance and the canceling of my wedding. I wish you the best. Feel free to private message me if you want to talk further. I can't say I am an expert, but your story sounds very familiar to mine...

GREAT QUESTION!!! 1st off, I would like to say that in general, women mature more than men at an earlier age. I used to be that type of guy. I can't say for all men, but for most, we wake up one day realizing that there is so much more to life than money, golf, and bragging rights, and a career... I guess it really comes down to finding the right guy at the right time. For me, I ended relationships in my mid to late 20s because I simply was not ready for commitment. I don't think men in general are necessarily afraid of commitment, it's a question of them being ready for it...

1st off, I am sorry to hear that. Can't tell by your posts whether that's a blessing for you that it's over or not. The reality is, she left it. Not to say it's stuff you want or not, but tell her that you will throw it in boxes and set it outside for x period of time. If she does not pick it up, donate it... Not to sound cold, but moving out when you are out of town... Don't know the whole story, but this is her responsibility, not yours...

I am not sure of the specifics, but you said you hurt him. Many times it's hard to remain friends with someone you were in love with. I think there is only 1 ex that I have that I remained friends with. When relationships end, they typically end for a reason...

Interesting post. I have been on both sides of this equation, and most recently as a dumpee. I can agree with some of what has been written above. I just responded to another post about someone asking about what makes up a successful relationship. It's interesting question. First off, there are typically reasons that a dumper has for breaking up. As I have grown through the years, I have learned a lot more about relationships. I usually played the role of the dumper. In many circumstances, I never really gave solid reasons for breakups, or any indications that I was going to do it before it ever just happened. Many times its because you really do not want to hurt that other person. The sad reality is that a lot of times when people are set to break up with someone, they plan it out for some time as to the best way they see fit and to not try and hurt the other person... Well, when you break up with someone that loves you, inevitably it's going to be painful for that person very much. For the most part, it comes out of left field. After all, the dumper knew what was coming, and the dumpee did not. People end relationships for many reasons. I guess seeing it from this side for the first time in such a serious relationship, I think it would be easier if you actually had some form of understanding, or attempts to really communicate and work through a relationship before it truly ends. I used to use the, "too busy", "don't know what I want", "I never meant to hurt you", "you deserve better".... Any of these sound familiar? I think if a relationship is serious enough and 2 people are supposedly in love, a relationship that ends with the above statements are virtually the cowardly way out. I have grown over the years, and if I ever find myself in a position where I love someone, I am going to do what it takes to resolve issues in a relationship, and not use one of the above as the way out. Do dumpers hurt? Sometimes. Ultimately, the dumpee is better off. Who wants to be with someone that does not want to be with you. I can't say that in general terms I feel sorry for the dumper, myself included when I was the dumper...

Well, I can't say my relationship ended up successful, but I did recently take a marriage prep course prior to the canceling of my wedding last year. Here is what I learned from this class, and that I will take into my relationships into the future. 1. Learning the little things about each other. Relationships start out with passion, romance, and all is grand. Whether it's living together, or spending more time together, or getting married, you tend to learn about the little things that you each do when you are on your own. Things like cleaning, bad habits (perceived by one but not the other), daily routines... Being able to come up with ways to work through those. Learn how to deal with each others perceived faults. 2. Communication should be a foundation going into a relationship. It is something that needs to be worked at from the beginning. If a relationship is solid from the get go, then both partners should be able to speak freely between each other without serious issues arising. Many people go into relationships with things from their pasts, good and bad. Serious relationships should start with communication, and it should get better from there as trust is a major part of it. (It was the basis for my relationship that fell apart, because we stopped communicating). 3. What keeps a relationship strong is variety, passion, and priorities. Most relationships start because of a physical and mental attraction to each other. The strongest relationships are where each still has their own individuality, but life becomes shared. Some would call it sacrifice, others would call it making their partner the number one priority in their life. Every relationships have there ups and downs. When 2 people love each other, they should be there for each other no matter what. Make time for each other, no matter what is going on. Be the shoulder and the rock for your partner when they need it. Expect and trust that your partner will do the same for you when you need it. 4. Take vacations, do things spontaneously, send flowers, give them special gifts, and make them feel that they are the most important part of your life. Spend time learning their interests and taking part in them.

Hey bud. First off, don't worry about it. You are young, probably shy, and have other things going for you. If these things bother you that much, talk to someone about them. Someone you truly feel you can confide in. A lot of what you are talking about has to do with confidence. If you lack confidence, and have self doubt, you will not get very far. If you do not feel like you want to talk to someone about it, then read some books on adapting self confidence and self esteem. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are just off to a late start, but there are plenty out there that are probably in your same shoes...

I am so sorry to hear about your story. I am glad to hear that you got back on your feet and gout out of a horrible situation. It seems that self esteem is a common theme out here as to how people get back on there feet.

Everyones different, but I have only found 1 ex girlfriend that I have maintained a friendship with. To me, when relationships end, they end for a reason. Again, that's only me. I met up with someone about 3 months after we broke up just to catch up. The reality is I was healing, and seeing her brought everything right back up to the surface. There is no truly right or wrong answer here. If you love this person, you love this person and you want them to be a part of your life. The question is, can you accept just a friendship with her. You might just be setting yourself to fall right back down to where you were when you started to get your life back together. If you go for it, proceed with caution... Good luck my friend

Relationships are about trust, and about communication. It's good that you have communicated your concerns to your boyfriend/fiance. The reality is that you have a man in front of you that wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. If you are not ready for that, do not go on any further. There is nothing worse than being lead on and thinking that you are committing your life, your heart, and your soul to someone that has serious questions about it. I think you should probably move out now. Stay with a friend or family. People that are not ready to get married should not. You don't want to live life with regrets. I would suggest maybe going to counseling and really try and get to the bottom of your fears and concerns before you go any further. It's natural to have fears that once you get married, that's it. Marriage should be viewed as a beginning, not an end. Life does not end when you say "I do", it's just the beginning... I went through something similar where I was was on his side of the house. We went through the entire process of planning our wedding and were 3 weeks from it when she finally came out and said she was not ready and thought we should postpone it. It would have been much easier to break things off much earlier in the process on both of us. I hold a lot of resentment, but I appreciate her ultimate honesty and did not wait until the day of the wedding, or 6 months to a year later to state that she made a mistake. Either way, he is going to be hurt, but you should clear this up as soon as possible.

Russ, Welcome to enotalone. That's a great question. Speaking from personal experience (I won't bore you with all of the details of my situation). I was set to marry my ex last July. The relationship fell apart, I had her move out of the house I bought her (thank goodness she was not going to be on the title until she shared my last name). We tried to get back together twice. With me, respecting her requested breaks, until it all just seemed lost. I tried NC to no avail because my heart had way to much control over my head and I tried to analyze every way to get this woman back in my life and let her know I was thinking about her. In the mean time, all I was doing was pushing her further and further away. Valentines day is a very special day that has different meaning at different stages of our life. When we are in a relationship, we show our love and feelings for the person we are with. When the relationship is over, we show that we want them to know that we are thinking about them. It's easy to give advice not in your situation, but I would recommend against it. I would find the best singles valentines party and look forward in life. If this woman wants to be with you, let her make the move. I know it's hard, and I can honestly say that I would want to do the same if I were in your position. Many of us are in this position. I think I am in a position where the wheels are starting to move forward in my life. It will be very hard not to think of her on Valentines day. Look at this time as an exciting opportunity to meet a new valentine. I wish you the best my friend. I know it's hard when the heart has more power than the mind.

Most of us that post out here are going through a loss of a relationship. Many of us are in different stages of life. Relationships ending in high school, college, engagements getting broken and weddings canceled, divorces after a few months to many years. Some of us tend to heal quicker than others. I see these types of questions being asked, and sometimes they get a few responses. I would love to hear some short stories on: 1) How long you were with them. 2) The main reason the relationship fell apart 3) How low you went 4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience.

Spike, I feel for you. First off, I am sorry to hear about your Grandfather. Losing a loved one is never easy. No matter what the circumstance, I hate hearing from an ex, unless it's an emergency, or there are thoughts of reconciliation. Relationships end for a reason, otherwise they would not end. I have had ex's in the past send me a birthday message or a simpathy message. Truthfully, I did not like it. I think in time we tend to forgive our ex's for things they did or did not do. A lot depends on the person, but I would prefer not to hear from my ex's... I have been on both sides. If I have dumped someone, I have no idea why they would want to hear from me, even if it was for sympathy, unless I was truly ready to be there for them. I think sometimes people send those messages to satisfy their conscious that they are not a bad person... Oh well, every situation is different, and I am sorry for your loss. Good luck my friend.

It sounds like this man has some serious issues. It could be that he was hurt very much in the past and is afraid of getting hurt again. He could be a very immature individual. It's so hard to give advice on this situation. Going to this party would show that you are not going to let his decisions determine what you do in life. Things have changed for you so quickly a couple times for you over the past few months, that it's probably difficult to determine what to do. Distance from him is probably the best thing, but should you have to give up being with your friends at a party in the process? I think it shows poor taste on his part to put you through all of that and go to the party that he knows you are planning. If you feel that you could face him, then I would go and try and have the best time possible. I would not give him any attention, try and have a good time, and put on the best face possible. If you think it would be too hard to go, then I think your friends would understand. Sometimes it really sucks having a heart. I wish you the best.

Just be careful. I went through a similar situation last year. My ex started taking a different direction in life. She initiated a break twice, but after we got back together for a while, it just went back down hill, and has made my recovery process ten times more difficult, because a part of me waits to see if she will come back again. No one can really tell you what to do, but just be prepared for anything.

That's a great question!!! I lived my life for my career for about 7 years. Anytime a relationship got too close, I ran. A lot of people that are so focused on career truly think that what they are doing is saving the world. I thought what I was doing was so important... After a few years of being the best man at friends weddings, watching them have children, and finding that there is a little more to life than just work, I found myself beginning to take relationships more seriously. I have been in 2 since. The ironic part of the cancelation of my wedding is that my ex has turned to her career as the primary focus of her life. She never really had the career as a focus, so I can't completely fault her for it. I want a balanced life, and I know there are women out there that want the same thing too. Solid relationships are about sharing the same long term goals, and having similar priorities. Relationships should not be about giving up life, but about finding balance in it. I have some older friends in my life that have many regrets on things that they past up. After all, a paycheck is a paycheck... To answer your question, yes. One can be happy with just their career. Ultimately, these are the type of people that wake up one day and realize there is more to life. The question is when.... It took me about 8 years... I wish you the best. Take it day by day, and trust that you will be better off in the long run. It's very, very hard to do. Just remember you deserve better.