terk2021

It really comes down to the woman, and particularly at when and at what stage you meet them in life. It also comes down to their past as well. I have dated the most incredible of women that have treated me great, and the most incredible women that loved to date my wallet. I have dated women that have walked all over me for being too nice... It's a delicate balance of timing, attraction, interests, and goals in life aligning... It's also about being yourself too. There is not just one answer to this question: But the one thing I think I have learned over my past 4 relationships, timing is everything in a relationship...

In a nutshell, curiosity. When I asked my ex to move out (after a big fight and it was not pleasant), we did not talk for a week. She got an apartment near and came over a few nights a week. When she asked for a "break" and NC, I gave it to her. A week went by, and I was not responding to her. That's when I started getting the texts on the weekends from 9pm until around 2am... It's wondering if you are with someone else...

From personal experience, no. That does not mean that they cannot though. In my experiences, personal goals are what changed our relationship. Each time we got back together, it seemed to last shorter and shorter. Granted, I want her back with all of my heart, but the reality is that the woman I fell in love with changed very much in a 6 month period. I could honestly say I did not recognize who I was with anymore. I guess it really depends what caused the breakup in the 1st place...

Great question! I am 35, and for the most part, I think I have had a pretty successful life. The early 20s was finishing college and figuring out what I wanted to do. The late 20s, all I focused on was career and establishing myself. Sure, it was fun, and I lived a fast paced life. When I hit 30, I started to see that there was more to life. I probably ended a few relationships too soon because of fear of commitment in my late 20s. No regrets, because everything happens for a reason. Advice: Establish yourself in your early 20s. Figure out what you want in life and where you want to go. Learn to balance that out and plan for the future. Life seems to move at such a fast pace. As for your late 20s, learn to balance your life. There is so much more to it than just work. Date, have fun, and enjoy yourself, but the earlier you start taking control of your future, the better. I have friends my age and older that still don't know what they want, and how they are going to get there. If we could only go back in time

kickedin, tough spot. She could just be feeling the blues of the holidays... My ex had a lot of resentment towards me, because a lot of her friends sided with me after she broke up with me. Sounds like she has some internal issues to clear up that have nothing to do with you. Good luck my friend.

First off, you are not psycho. Your heart is leading you right now, not your head. Coming at this time of year has got to make it just that much harder. If you can, put away all reminders of him. Hang out with friends and family that love you. It's OK to grieve, because grieving is part of the healing process. NC is the best way to go. I have been apart from my ex for 5 months now, and I am still having a hard time. Primarily, because I just did not want to let go. She came back twice for 2 short periods of time, but it just made it worse, and harder to start healing. Try and remember that everything happens for a reason. There are no words that are going to make you feel better today, but know that most of the people writing to you here have gone through, or are going through what you are. It's comforting to know that people do get through it. Don't beat yourself up. You can and will get through it.

I would let it pass. I waited for a text until early this afternoon. I sent her one, and got one back. All it does is get your mind thinking... I would just stay away from it and enjoy your Christmas.

I just wanted to share some thoughts that might help some of you out there. I will not go into my whole story, because many of you have read it, and that's not the point of this post. After a 4 month break up, I continued to break NC with hopes of getting back together, it worked a few times, but getting back together lasted less time, each time it happened. Well, tonight, I got my official do not call, text or email please... Sure, there were hints about it. The non responses, the quick responses, the quick text message back after leaving her a message... When the heart rules the mind, we lose control of our actions. Or, at least I did Love makes you do dumb things sometimes like desperately trying to win back your ex... Many post advice on these boards of getting back together, about giving the ex the space, allowing for personal growth, and for respecting ourselves. Well, I went 1 for three. Although I have been moving forward in life and beginning the process of personal, I have been breaking NC in hopes that I can say the magic words to get her back. I can honestly look back and think that I appeared desperate at times... There are not any magic words that will bring them back. While I have been healing, I have been missing her too. I just wanted to share this story with those of you out there just thinking of the right words to say to get the ex to come running back. NC is a good thing for many reasons. First, to have time to reflect on what happened in the relationship (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Second, it's for time to heal and get a handle on our emotions. Third, it's time to make ourselves number one for a while to realize who we are. Fourth, it gives us the opportunity to see if we really miss that person, and to see if they miss us. Only if I could go back in time... For many of us, we can't. We have to live with our actions, and accept them and move forward. If you have done similar things that I have as listed above, don't beat yourself up. There is no harm in loving someone. We all make mistakes... The 1st person we have to forgive, is ourselves. I hope this post helps at least one person, if not many. This is a tough time of year to be broken up with, and miss that special someone we thought we were going to spend our lives with. For all of us that have been through "hell" this year, 2007 is around the corner, and it's going to be our year!!!

I don't know him, but running off and getting married to someone like that says a lot as well...

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I was a child of divorce. I almost married a woman this year that was divorced, and has a 6 year old daughter. He would not give up pursuing her until we got engaged, and even then, still tried to play the child as a trump card to get back together... We got a house, and there is a long story in between as to why we are not together anymore. I have found out she is spending time with her ex again (not sure exactly what they are doing), but what I do remember the whole time together is that how she never really loved him, and she stayed civil to him because of the child. I think she is in a weak state right now, and leaning on him for support. The 6 year old was so excited that I was going to be her stepdad. When we broke it off, and I had her move out of the house, I am sure she was going through a lot. Now this 6 year old is watching her parents spend time together. She is doing it to spend more time with her daughter, but I think it's sad as to what's happening to her as we speak... Being a child of divorce, or parents that were not married is hard. Being in a household where the parents are not truly in love and are just trying to make it work for the child's sake is even worse. It would be odd if a child did not want their parents back together. I would highly caution you from getting back together with this man. Sure, I don't know the whole story, but you could do much, much more damage to be with someone for a child's sake. If you wake up one day and realize you made a mistake by marrying this man, what do you think that will do to your son? Again, I don't know the whole story here, but you have to think of you first here, because you have to be in a position to give your son the best. That means that you need to be happy. Because if you are not, the child will see right through it... It sounds like you are in a tough spot, and I wish you the best...

Great question! There are plenty of places to meet women. Besides church groups, or sports groups, or friends, and professional and single organizations... I think the best place/time to meet women is out on weeknights. That may sound strange, but the weekends, at least where I live, are a bunch of guys flocking crowded bars where the ratio is way to many guys. Almost looks like "gay" bars sometimes Stop by some good local bars after work on weeknights, and hang out, have a drink or two, and a maybe some dinner. There are usually groups of single women hanging out on week nights because they don't want to hang out in the over crowded bars on the weekends. Plus, it's easier to talk when it's not so loud. Good luck...

Don't beat yourself up for taking the call. It's tough, because you love him and want to hear what he had to say. You should do everything you can to move forward. It's really hard to start healing, when you think there is hope. That has been my biggest struggle. It's not to say that you 2 may never get back together, but for now, you should try and concentrate on you. The holidays are the toughest time. Go buy yourself some Christmas presents. Do some of the things that you have wanted to do, but not had the time for. You deserve it. If someone came up with the magic words to make the pain go away, they would be a very rich person. You deserve better, and you will have it. I wish you the best.

If you are putting more into a relationship that you want, and she is not, I would move forward. Her priorities are in a different place right now. It's very tough to do. Just let her know you want more out of a relationship than she is willing to offer right now and it's probably better that you do not see each other. If she decides she wants to have a relationship with you, then it's up to her to let you know that.

It did feel good tonight, because I got some things off my chest to her. It's not 100% closure, but it felt good to let's just say "put her in her place a little bit"

Thanks Mal. I appreciate the words. New years is only a few weeks away and I cannot wait... Good luck to you as well.

Life is about work/life balance. Some people want it, others don't. Granted, I did not end up getting married this year, but my fiance and I took a marriage prep class. Two things were stressed in that class more than anything: communcation, and priorities. Now, we all get busy in life. Career is important (as it pays the bills), as well as giving individuality in a relationship. Not just career, but hobbies, time with friends... It sounds like his priorities right now are elsewhere. I was not married, but lived with my fiance. Her career started to take off, and it became all about travel. If it was just us two, that's one thing, because I travel for work too. But, she had a daughter as well, and work started becoming more important to her than both of us combined... That's where are relationship started going down hill. Slightly different situation than yours, but, you should be a priority in his life. Getting degrees, masters, PHDs... It's important to have personal goals. But, when you take on too much and become too involved in too many things in a marriage, it changes priorities. I think your requests are fair. Sure, things are going to be hard at times, but if we love someone, and we are committed to that person, they should be a priority. Life should not end as an individual because you get married, but priorities and sacrifices need to be made for a successful marriage/relationship...

Have you ever had your boyfriend meet this guy? It's sometimes a natural instinct for a man to be jealous of a GF having a really close male friend. If he is somehow included, that may help minimize the jealousy...

For me? Talk radio or CDs. Seems like all of the music on the radio today is about Christmas, falling in love, or losing someone you love... The strange part? It seems like there are more songs about losing someone in love... What's up in the world of music these days?

Well, It's been a while since I have posted my situation. As we all know, holiday times are the hardest. Since my canceled wedding in July, I have been devastated. After having my fiance move out in August from the dream house I bought her in April, I have been riding a roller coaster of her wanting to come back in and out of my life. After a few failed attempts of NC on my part, I gave in each time she came back only to hear the request for the dreaded "break" a few times. Each time we got back together, it was shorter and shorter. She came with as some would call "baggage', but I would call her the most beautiful 6 year old girl that bragged to her friends when I went to surprise her at school that I was becoming her stepdad. I could continue the sob story, but I have written it in many other posts. Well, I have broken NC so many times. Whether it was our song, walking through our house (I am starting to pleasantly look at as investment or waking up from a dream where she came home... I had the occasional mishap of sending the I love you text, or the email of wanting to try and work things out. Sometimes it was successful, so I just kept going. Well, tonight I got the stop emailing, texting, calling... It's so tough when it comes from someone who wrote you a card in June telling you how much she was looking forward to marrying you in a month. This is starting to sound like a rant... She has done it before, but seems to come back on occasion because she misses me... I hate when the heart has more control over the mind. Because the mind, and friends, and family, and just about every one else I know has told me this was a blessing in disguise to find out what I was about to marry... I am by no stretch perfect, but when you feel that you gave your all to someone (your heart, soul, treated their daughter as your own), and end up with a house built for a family, and living in it as a bachelor... Well, it's been many months, and I have gotten stronger, but this time of year... It just reminds me of last year getting engaged and spending Christmas with the Fockers. Why bottom, I think I got my final walking papers to move on. I have been getting back into the real world, and trying to figure out life without her and my would be step-daughter. It's just a sad night It's comforting to know that there are others out there are going through similar things, but I am going to go to sleep with knowing that I have to move forward. If I would have realized it and followed the advice of some of my fellow ENA members, I would be so much further ahead. Thank you all for responding to my prior posts. I guess the advice part on how to get back together with her is not needed anymore Just some words of encouragement to get through the holidays would be helpful. Someone posted a while back that when you truly realize it's over, then the healing process takes place. Well, I have started to heal because I have been out with friends, and I have met a few nice women out there. I hope it's up from here, because I think my wondering days that she may be coming back are over... I guess I am doing OK, because deep down, I never really expected her to come back. It's reading a book and tucking in a beautiful little girl that I will miss the most. I am not very religious, but I hope that this is all part of a plan for me to meet someone incredible to share my life with. Sorry for the long post. Does anyone have a time machine to fast forward it to New Years eve at midnight I am tired of the jewelry commercials and Christmas music playing on the radio since November. Cheers everyone

You may have been replaced, but another way to look at it: she now gets to put up with all of the crap that you did. It's hard to see it that way, but this might be a blessing in disguise. You deserve better!!!

The hardest part is when your heart is stronger than your head. It makes you want to do whatever you can to get your ex back, especially if that's the person you envision spending the rest of your life with. We ask ourselves and question what we could have done differently, if I could only go back and time and change this, or change that, would things be different? Well, there not, right? It's been about 5 months for me since I technically broke it off with my ex. It wasn't for reasons of cheating, but her priorities in life changed, and she did not know what she wanted, which led to canceling our wedding 3 weeks before it. She still wanted to live together and figure things out... Well, that lasted about 2 months. After that, I asked her to move out of the dream house I had bought for her in April. I miss her SO much. But, as time goes on, I am not sure if she is going to come back. I went to counseling for a little. It did not help too much. I did go to a church counselor for a while, and I will be honest. That helped a lot. I still go in and see him about once a month. What I learned by meeting with him (as he was originally the efficient that was supposed to marry us and knew us both), is that I am the one that is not confused, and I should not be the one that is sad. I would say for each of us that post out here, we are the ones that know what we want. Typically, it's the ex, but we want to have a relationship and a balanced life. Most of us have probably been on each side of being dumped, and being the dumper. The latter is obviously the easier. But when we get dumped, especially by the ones that we feel we are going to spend our life with, it's devastating. What I have learned by meeting with him is that I know what I want out of life. I think most of us do. We just have either not found the right person, or just had really bad timing. His advice to me was give her the "space" she is looking for. Of course I have not followed it, wishing I had But after getting through the holidays this year, I look forward, and not backwards. These exes we want back may or may not come back. But, we don't have control over it. When we try and control it, it usually backfires, just like it is for me right now... I wish you the best. If you are supposed to be with this person, you will, and you need to have faith in that. But, I would stick with NC as hard as it is. If you want to send him something letting him knowing you are moving forward in life, and you still love him, and miss him, and want to be with him, that's OK. You are expressing your feelings and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The most important thing is to do that once, and move forward. There's a plan for all of us, and sometimes we just don't know what it is. I was in a serious relationship 3 years ago I thought I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. When that ended, I was devastated. When I met what is now my ex fiance about 1.5 years ago, I was back on top of the world. Will she come back? I don't know, but I am now seeing that woman I thought I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. It's funny how life works. I really am starting to believe that everything happens for a reason...

Ren, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am not sure specifically what has you down for the holidays, but take some time for yourself. Take a trip, go shopping, get a massage and treat yourself to a day about you. Take many days and make them about you. There is a lot of truth to helping others during the holiday. Sometimes that's family, or volunteering, or just becoming part of a group. There are many of us on this board that are probably going to feel down about the holidays. One thing I have learned in life is that there is always going to be someone that has it better than me, and someone that is going to have it worse. you are probably tired of hearing about counting your blessings for the things that you have, and that things could be worse... It's tough for people provide insight on things they are not going through, or have not gone through. Remember that life can change on a dime. It can change for the better, and it can change for the worse. I have been through a couple of periods in my life where I thought I had nothing, and there was not a friend, family member, or anyone in the world that could make me feel different. The hardest thing to do is trust in faith, that there is someone up there looking out for us. Your luck will change. Have faith, and hang in there.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been through the "we need to take a break" 3 times with my ex. Each break seems to be a little bit longer. It's probably best to not have contact with him, but you should also make a conscious decision to move forward with your life. Let him know that you are moving forward in life. That's not to say that you are going out there immediately to find a replacement for him, but that you will not wait around to see what he decides to do. No contact is probably the right way to go, but letting him know how you feel , and that you are moving on, in my opinion, is the right thing to do. It's not giving him an ultimatum, but you are letting him know that you are not going to sit around and wait. I have been broken up with my ex for 4 months. I have been very very bad about no contact, because I miss her so much. What I have started doing though is moving forward in life. I am getting out there and meeting people. I am trying to get more into my job, and I am dating a little. He may be thinking that he can take a "break" and try and figure it out, but you should let him know that you will not be there waiting for him to do so. If he comes back to you, and you are still in a position where you still have the same feelings, then there is a chance. This also might be a way that God (I am not the most religious person) is telling you that there is someone else out there for you. Living in wonder as to whether or not my ex is coming back to me has really made things worse for me. I am just ready to get through the holidays These are the worst times to be without the one we feel we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I wish you the best. As others have stated in this thread and many others in this board, we are all going through it. Keep your head up!!!

kickedin, It sounds like she has some real issues to deal with. I have received similar emails from my ex. Sometimes we actually do talk on the phone. Since we have broken up, I have felt miserable, and continued to text, call, and email even when she asked not to. What's interesting in my situation is that some of her friends that I have met during the time we dated I keep up with. I learned more about her from her friends, and it actually gave me some comfort in understanding that most of our problems were not my fault, and it may have been a blessing in disguise that I saw that side of her before I walked down the isle with her... The important thing to remember is who you are, and not let her words or actions try and change that. You may not care about how she feels, but I know what you mean about wanting to get things off your chest. If it helps provide you closure and gives you the ability to move forward, then there is nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that if you do send her something, it's the last thing you send. Good luck my friend. I hope things work out for you.