terk2021
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Great Woman.......but is she worth pursuing?
terk2021 replied to motorman543's topic in Dating Advice
Not all women think this way, but some do. My ex did not grow up with money. Some people (men or women) are motivated by different things. In my mind, it truly comes down to priorities. I have been very successful in my career over the past 10 years. I was with 1 company for 9 years. When at work you feel that you become "important", sometimes it becomes the top priority in your life. After reading most of this thread, it sounds like she enjoys the success she is having at work. If you love someone, or care about someone after dating for a while, you make them a priority in life. It's sometimes OK to say no at work, and say yes to a balanced life. It's really more of a question of wanting it. I used to think that what I was doing at work was so important, that anything that came between me and it, was not as important. I would not say that I have become co-dependent, but I realize that what I do for a living is not saving the world. Some people are built that way. With others, it takes time to figure out there is more to life. I am 35, and did not figure it out until I was 33. Motorman, I feel for you. If you want to be with someone that's balanced, then maybe you should look to date someone else. It's not to say that she will not come around though. If you still want to be with her, you need to be patient, and play by her rules... As for me, my 8 to 8 days are over Sure, I will put in the long hours when required, but as they old saying goes: Do you want to live to work, or work to live... -
There are so many of us out here that would probably do just about anything to have our exes back. It's strange when the heart takes over the mind. NC, acting like we are not moving on, not answering their calls or texts or emails to show that we move on... These are not bad strategies. It's almost bad in my opinion to call them strategies at all. When you love someone, you want that person to know it. The question is, how often can you tell them that without it completely turning them away. I have never been one to shy away from my feelings. Sure, I have been there for her just about every time she has called. As of late, she really has not called for anything. She has a lot going on in her world right now. I don't go to counseling or anything, but I do meet up with some of the counselors at the church I go to (only go a few times a month). It's tough to come to the realization that we can only control how we feel. As each day goes by, I need to stop questioning whether or not she will come back, and simply move forward in life. After all, no matter what I do for me personally, that is not going to be what makes her want to come back. I wish you the best Joy.
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At least this way, you will know she knows how you feel. The toughest part? We can't control how they feel... The worst part to me is the wondering. If she is not interested, then at least you know you laid it out there on the line and she is not the one for you. Good luck.
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There are so many opinions out there on how to handle this. If it were me, I would send her an email to her letting you know how you feel. Let her know that you miss her and love her. There are a couple things that could happen though. She could ignore your email, tell you she feels the same way, or tell you that she does not. The hardest part is really not knowing how she feels. I don't like the whole concept of strength... Sure, you don't want to come off as you cannot live without her, and your life revolves around her... But to tell her you love her and miss her... To me, that just shows you are an honest and have enough courage to tell someone how you really feel...
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Joy, it's easier said then done. I seem to break it at least once or twice a week in either at text message or an email. Again, if you have the strength, you will be so much better off. There is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel to the one you love. It's just important not to do it too much when that love is not being returned. It's the loneliest feeling in the world, and many of us at this board experience it every day. It's nice to read some of the posts of hearing how people on here have been successful in moving forward in their lives. It gives us hope. Someone up there is looking out for us. I truly believe that Good luck and best wishes to you.
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Joy, This story sounds very familiar. I went through a very similar spot with a planned July wedding this year. I bought my ex her dream house, only now to find it as an investment for me that I have to live in for at least 2 years to make money on it. It's a daily reminder of what I had. Since she called off our wedding, and I had her move out, it's been off again and on again... For the 1st few months, she missed me SO much, and then wanted a break. Then 1 week without me, and she felt not marrying me was a mistake. Then, 2 weeks later, I need a break through the end of the year to figure out what I want... Very much a confusing rollercoaster... If I had followed my friends advice of moving forward in life months ago, and making her really take the time apart to figure out what she wanted, we would either be back together now, or I would be well on my way to recovery. I am getting better, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, or think about the fact that I will not be spending Christmas with her... Aren't you tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason? I know I am . But, as I move forward, I start to believe it more and more. If you have the strength, NC is probably best. He needs to see what life is like without you. I wish you the best.
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Great Woman.......but is she worth pursuing?
terk2021 replied to motorman543's topic in Dating Advice
2 years ago, I was all about work. Don't get me wrong... A career can be very rewarding. Many people feel that a career and themselves are the only thing they truly have control of in this world. I am so glad that I have woken up from that. The more I have gone through relationships, and especially the past 2, timing is everything!!! Attraction, passion, communication are all parts of a successful relationship. BUT, if you are with someone who has either been burned in the past, gone through bad experiences, and used work as the catalyst to get them through, they will do it again, and again, and again... I am not trying to sound bitter, but men and women alike, if they have tasted success in the career world, and have watched other parts of their lives fail, career will win... I am just glad that I finally woke up and realized that my career is satisfying and rewarding, but if you don't have someone to share it with (relationship, family, other goals...), it just does not mean as much... -
I am sure there is a lot more to the story, but could he feel like he is not a priority in your life? Being with someone who has a lot of success can make a man feel like he is in 2nd place (most men are insecure to feel that way, but if you strictly focus on that part of your life and not him, it can happen). I am in my 30s, but, when I was in my 20s, career and me came 1st. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you are in a position to realize your personal dreams?
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Although contact is contact, I think texting is less invasive. It's kind of like saying hello, asking a question, or just saying how we feel, but it gives them a chance to digest and choose to respond or not. I am just as guilty with my ex. I text more than I call. We also used to text each other all the time during our relationship. That may make a difference too...
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Hi Dreamer. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Most of us on this board are going through very similar situations, are at various stages of it. How to stop the hurt? It's very, very hard to do. Getting out with friends, family, and not sitting around is always helpful. It's good to hear that you are doing things for you. The toughest thing you can do is sit around and analyze his words and actions. It's especially tough when you love someone, and you hear things like that back. It's only an opinion, but the best thing I think you can do is try to move forward in your life. Always remember who you are, and what you have to offer. Try and remember who you were before this relationship started, and how wonderful it felt when it did start. I am not necessarily suggesting that you date if you are not ready to, but go out, have fun. I sat around for 4 months after my breakup, and only recently started to go out again. Although it feels like I will never meet someone as incredible as my ex, I know that time will heal. I have learned to accept that everything happens for a reason. It's his loss. I wish you the best through the holidays.
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meeting for coffee, need feedback!
terk2021 replied to Captain34's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I did this a few years ago when I though I was over an ex. All it did was bring up old feelings. It made me want her back more. I am not trying to discourage you from going, but make sure to go in with no expectations if you go through with it. -
If you broke it off, the last thing he probably wanted to hear from you was that you are dating someone else.
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I have read through the entire thread here. First off, you are not pathetic. Your actions are not crazy, and you deserve better. It's easy for everyone to post and tell you what to do. The reality is, most people on this site have been through experiences very similar. It's always easy to look at a situation from the outside when you are not in it, and give rational advice. The reality is when your in love, your heart becomes stronger than your mind. It's like watching a bad movie. You wish you could jump in and change what's about to happen... At some point, you will get that strength back. I still find myself doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing to get over my ex... Just remember that you are still who you were before this relationship, and hopefully you will learn from it going forward. Don't lose site of you. You will find a man who loves you and respects you for who you are. Don't give up. I wish you the best. As for resisting the urge to contact, its just something you have to do. Each time you hear the song, or see a movie you watched together, or just think of him... Keep telling yourself you deserve better, and you will find it... Good luck, and I hope this helps...
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Give her the space. My ex asked for it, and I did not listen... It's been down hill from there. Each time I contacted, I felt worse. Sometimes she answered, sometimes she did not. You will probably never know what's really behind why she is asking for space, no matter what she tells you... I am not saying not to trust her, but seriously... I spent many a night wondering what the "space" was for. The best advice I can give you, which was given to me by multiple people (and I never listened). Let her know that you are moving on with life. If you are available when/if she wants to get back together with you, then there is a chance. But waiting, questioning, and searching for answers only makes it worse for you. I hope you can follow through with it. I lost me in the whole process trying to get her back... Good luck my friend.
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This of course depends on the guy. Most single successful men put their efforts into career and into themselves. A lot of men go out and when they meet somebody, something inside of them does change. That's not to say a man should do a 180, but I believe that when a man gets into a relationship, life now becomes about balance. It's not about giving up his identity, or losing focus on what made him successful in the 1st place. It's about sharing his life with someone. Many of the things that were important should still be important, but if he does not change at all, he is most likely not ready for a relationship. Age and past experience has a lot to do with it to...
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I get a lot of matches on eHarmony. I have been on a few dates, but no connections as of yet. I am in emailing stage with a few, and will probably go on a few more dates... I do like it better than Match though...
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To me, that's a slap in the face, and shows his true maturity. You should not have to have left your own party. You deserve better, and I hope you find the strength to move forward and not look back.
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Most of us that post out here have gone through some form of loss, mostly in a relationship. For some of us, we thought it was with the person we were going to spend the rest of our lives with. Especially around holiday times, it makes it that much harder. For me, I have been spending time with family and friends, and actually started dating again. I suppose I have come a long way since where I was 4 months ago, but I would like to hear your stories as to how you moved on, got your strength, and find yourself living a happy life again. Happy Holidays to ALL!!!
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I also heard it's possible to just put it in a safety deposit box, and trade it in on a different ring (when the time comes to put it on someones finger that deserves it). That's at least from where I bought it from...
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Once you say you will let her go and give her space, then you should stick with it. I can't tell you how many times I have told my ex I would give her space over the past 2 months, and have gone back on it a million times. She has no reason to believe me when I say that I will give it to her. This time I lasted 2 days. I called her earlier today and got the I'm busy... If you have made it this far, I would keep it up... Good luck
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kickedin, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have found some comfort, actually from her friends that I met when we were going out. Most of them stay in touch with me, and not her. It's not a revenge factor or anything, but it does feel good to hear from her friends that I did not do anything wrong. It does not change the pain, but it does not hurt either
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Frisco, As always, thanks man. I am going to go out and have a good time tonight. Great new bar in town, and plenty of women out there. It's time!!!
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First off, I don't want to come off wrong about only being 22. I am 35, and never went through something at that age. My last 2 relationships have destroyed me (or so I thought). I am 4 months removed from my relationship that was supposed to be marriage in July. You can read my posts, but I am here to help for you. At 22, you have probably not gone out to experience the world. I had some friends that got married around that age, and most of them ended up in divorce within a few years. You have a lot of time my friend. I know it does not seem like it right now. I am 35, and I am hearing the same things from others. Nothing will truly heal this pain right now accept time. Now on the subject of time, there are a couple of things that can make you heal more quickly than others. If you just broke up, take a few days and sit at home and dwell, and think, and cry, and let the pain out. Start a journal on everything you felt was good in the relationship, and bad. Try and get out if you can, but if you can't, that's understandable. The quicker you can get back into the world, the less time it will take. It's so easy sometimes to sit here and read advice from others, but others are not sitting in your shoes feeling the pain you are. Go out with your friends as much as possible, and lean on those that love you. Losing someone this time of year especially sucks. Try and remember back to before you went out with her. You were a happy guy then I am sure. Try and get yourself back to that point. I know it does not feel like it now, but some day you will look back on this experience, and ask yourself why you were down. Remember that the one for you is out there. You may find her soon, or a year, or a few years down the road. She is out there, and you have to trust in that. I hope my words help.
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Good point. It's tough to let go of what you thought was going to be the rest of your life. I move forward with the thought that she is not coming back. I have been dating a little, and it's helped some. I do agree with you, and I am going to go out tonight for the 1st time where I am truly moving forward... I should focus my prayers more on me getting through it, and the strength to maintain NC, and in trust that I will find the happiness I had with her. Whether it's with her or not... I have been getting my confidence back slowly, but surely, and I still have a long way to go before I am 100%. But it's a start. Thanks for the advice...
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In need of some supportive words..
terk2021 replied to tastycake's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Happy Birthday tasty. I had that happen to me a few years ago after a break up. I had not spoken to her since December of 04. My bday is in April, and I got an email with happy birthday, and she wanted me to know she was thinking about me... Truthfully, that hurt me more than if I had not gotten anything from her. He will remember it, and if you get something, I would not read it or respond to it... I am sure you have a lot to offer, and you should be with the ones that truly love you on your birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
