terk2021

As we go through these situations, it makes us question self worth, question what if, and constantly analyze as to how and why what happened. The reality of it is, it did, and there is nothing we can do to change it. Everyone posts on NC, for personal growth, and really cutting ties with that person. If they want to come back and try, then there is something to talk about. These are very difficult things to accept, especially when we are lead sometimes by are hearts, and we feel we want to do everything in our power to have that relationship back, because we felt it was the best part of our lives. Since my breakup (many posts out here, so I won't go into a lot of detail), I have been keeping in touch with the minister that taught our marriage prep class, and was actually going to be the one marrying us last July. Well, that all fell apart last year, and I have been trying to pick up the pieces and move on, but my stubborn heart and the hope that I could win her back has made it that much harder to heal. The advice from this board, friends, family, counseling have all been great and provided consistent and clear messages. Move on, NC, everything happens for a reason, if it's meant to be, they will contact you and try and come back... Great advice, YES. Easy to follow, NO. I have given this advice to many on this board, and have a very difficult time following it myself. I want to share a story that may help. I have continued to stay in contact with the minister that taught our marriage prep class, and was to marry us last July. All of the advice from everyone else was great, but it just seemed like I was being told the sky is blue. All of the obvious things we need to follow. The reality is when we suffer, and our heart has control over our minds, hearing how great we are, it wasn't our fault, and we should be good to ourselves... Sound familiar? Well, I have met with this minister on a few occasions. What I really learned from him is that God truly does have a plan. I am not a very religious person. I put everything I had into this relationship, including my heart, soul, and purchased her the house of her dreams 3 months before we were to be married (in my name only and I was going to put her name on it once she was my wife). What made what he had to say different. Well, it started with the fact that I am a person in life who knows what he wants. I have a relationship with God, a strong loving heart, and good character. She is the one that does not know what she wants. Basically, he gave me comfort in knowing that I do know what I want, and that puts me in a better place. For a long time, my response was I want to be with her. In many ways, it still is. The reality though is she confused in life about so many things. Since our breakup, his words hold true. I don't want to be married just to be married. I loved her, and wanted to get her back no matter what because she was the love of my life. His response was that he knew how much I loved her, and in reality, that was not good enough. Not just the love from me, but the love from anyone. It gave me the opportunity to reflect on this loss in a whole different light. I know what I want. I want to be in a loving relationship in which the person I am with feels the same and can reciprocate that. He had me start examining things like questions about her past, and her past relationships. Based on that, the picture began to become more clear. Ever story has 2 sides as we all know, but his questions of why I would want to be with someone when they did not even know what they wanted for themselves. I have direction. I want to be in a loving relationship and have a balanced life. She needs time to go figure out what she wants. Ultimately, I am in the better place. We see our selves in a position of loss. We loved these people in our lives and feel that they destroyed ours. In many ways, they saved it. We now have the opportunity to meet the person that wants to love us, just as much as we love them. It's really taken many conversations with him to really help me move forward. We always think that the person who dumped us is living it up. They don't want us anymore, and are happy to have us out of their lives. They may be happy in that regard, but they most likely internally are just not happy people. We are suffering right now, but in the long run, we will be better off. I hope these words have helped, and maybe have given you some different perspective.

Another angle here is that she may come back and try and pursue a relationship with you. This could be viewed as a good thing, and as a bad thing. I was friends with someone I worked with for about a year. When I switched jobs, we stayed in touch as good friends. I had feelings for her, but could never act on them because when I met her, she had a boyfriend that became fiance, husband, separated, and ultimately divorced. We stopped hanging out once she got married because her husband was jealous. We talked some, but very rarely. Well, 7 months into her separation, she called me, and we started hanging out. For 2 months it was good friendship, and turned into something more. Well, my feelings continued to grow. I think hers did to, but she was just finalizing a divorce. People in these situations definitely need to have people in their lives there for them. You are probably a perfect candidate since you are friends, but beware of becoming rebound guy. Keep it cool, be friends with her and there for her in that way. If more happens and you get closer with her, just keep it cool, and don't push for something more than she is ready for. Not saying this is exactly the case, but sounds very similar to something that happened to me...

Sounds likes someone who feels that they have control. He feels that you will be around when he wants and on his terms... Does not sound like a relationship. You should cut ties. It sounds like you know what you want, but he does not. Tell him that you want a complete break from this, and that he need to take the time to figure out what he wants... If he decides a relationship with you is what he wants, then it's something to discuss... It's very easy to say to do these things, but sometimes tough to follow through, especially if you love him or care for him deeply. This is probably the only way you will get to a resolution of a true relationship with this guy, or come to grips that he is not the one, and you made a great decision to move forward...

I have been on both sides of this one my friend. It is truly a tough position for you. I can empathize from both perspectives. I lived for work for about 8 years. Anytime someone would come into my life, I would enjoy it. If it got to close and they wanted more, I had to explain to them that "don't you realize how important I am and I am saving the world!!!!'. The reality is that some people get very wrapped up in career. I did it for so, so many years. I have posted out here about my breakup with my fiance last year. It's very ironic. She was the one that really taught me that there was so much more to life than a career. About 4 months before we were to be married, I started watching her career take center stage in her life. Relationships are about balance. You are with someone that does not want that balance right now. It really comes down to accepting who you are dating for what they are, or moving forward. There is no telling how long, or if ever her career will not be the most important thing in her life. If you are looking for balance, you should move on before you invest too much more. She will realize there is more to life at some point. The question is when... She might be the right person for you, but maybe just not right now. If you convince her to switch jobs or change her life, she may resent you for it. She has to come to that conclusion on her own. I am with you though. I have a great career, but it does not run my life any longer...

You do care for him, and he is going through finals. Maybe you should tell him that he should concentrate on finals during this time, and you will talk to him when he is done. This should give you time to gather your thoughts. Keep in mind that you are not giving him an ultimatum here. Just let him know that you are ready for something more. Explain that you understand that he is not, and you are not mad at him for it. Tell him that "time" and "space" apart should allow each of you to truly figure out what you want. You are the one asking for it, because remember: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. He is the one who doesn't. Someone phrased that to me this past year after my recent breakup. You know what? It's true. I know what I want. Maybe I have found the right one and she will come back. But the key is that you do not put life on hold to figure out if and when. Most talk about NC on this board religiously. Mostly, because it works. It takes me a long time to even attempt to do it if I am the dumpee. I think I have finally figured out that I can only control my feelings. So, I now see the light and it's merit after so many times thinking I could win them back... In that situation, I remember being the dumper and what it was like when my ex would not leave me alone... It only pushed me away further and further... My thoughts: --Gather your thoughts until finals are over. During this time, grab a pen and pad, or Microsoft word and start writing what you want to say. Not that you will give it to him, but really document what's in your heart. Let him know you love him, and care about him, but you are on different pages right now. Need time and space for both of us. I am not out to meet anyone else, but I really need some time to myself to get my thoughts in order... NC/space/time yada yada will do a couple of things. First, give you time to yourself. Now, during this time, you need to be out, active, and doing the things you used to do. Hang out with friends or get back with ones you blew off once you got into a relationship. Hang out with family, go on a trip. Just keep occupied... You can evaluate your relationship in a different light. In the mean time, he is going to be out there scratching his head and trying to figure out what's going on. ESPECIALLY if you keep NC up. You should be clear with him that if he is to get back in touch with you, it's because he knows what he lost and is really ready to open up and tell you how he feels... I would think you should set at least 1 month as starter for no contact. If you are that close and serious, one month without you should give him some idea if he loves you or not...

First off, DO NOT beat yourself up. Let me share a story with you: I was in a similar situation about 2.5 years ago. I was friends with someone for 5 years that I watched her go through boyfriend, to engaged, to marriage, to separated... During that time, we stopped hanging out for about the last year of her marriage before her separation. I was there for her when her separation started, and we began to date. Even as friends, I felt something more... We had a bond, a very strong bond. She called me out of the blue when she was separated, and we began to go out. Granted, her ex had been out of the picture for about 7 months, and it was a matter of paperwork being finalized. After 2 months of dating, one night I told her I loved her. Her response was not "I love you too"... Well, months of that went on. I fell more and more in love with her, and she got closer, but never love. As painful as it was, I finally had to get enough courage together to part ways with her. The next 6 months of my life were so miserable. I felt I made the biggest mistake of my life. When our hearts have that much power over our minds, it takes control of us. No matter what friends, family, experts on this board, counselors, doctors, or just whomever has been through this has advice on what to do... I thought I could never love someone as much as I loved her. I felt if I hung on, she would come around. Even some of her closest friends thought she loved me, but was just not ready to completely drop the guard and open herself up. Your boyfriend maybe fell in love in the past and got burned. He may open up tomorrow, he may never open up to love with you. The question you have to ask yourself is if it is truly worth it or not. You ultimately have to ask yourself if you are truly happy right now. Based on what you have said so far, it sounds like you are very torn, and my guess is you are not really that happy. All of our thoughts and responses out here are primarily based on past experiences. September 2004 through the 1st part of 2005 felt like the worst time in my life. I did not have her there, and thought I lost the world. Work, family friends... It all just did not matter. Well, by late February, early March of 2005, I started to find me again. I dated, had fun, started getting back to doing the things I enjoyed for myself, and in late May, I met what became my fiance by the end of 2005. Granted, that story did not end well, and I went through another heartache through breaking off my engagement. I have been picking up the pieces over the past 4-5 months. Based on your limited posts, you sound like a very loving, committed, and giving person. Ultimately, you deserve better. I don't know your whole story, but you should determine just how much you can give, without receiving in return. You had a life before your boyfriend. I am sure it's hard to look back at that, or imagine moving forward without him, but you should really sit back and think about what you want deep down. No one really has a right to tell you not to be with this person or not. But, if you want to be in a relationship where you give of yourself and show the love and devotion, you should be in a situation to receive it back. Only you probably know when that point is. When you reach it, you should move forward. Let him know what you want. If he is not ready for it, or to open up to you like you have to him, then take a break from the relationship. It's not "love me or I am gone", it's "take the time to figure out what you want, because I know what I want and that's you, but I cannot go on the way things are right now"... You will find out then if he truly loves you or not, or if it's meant to be. I know this probably sounds like a scary proposition. Your not really giving him an ultimatum, you are just standing up for yourself. I really do feel for what you are going through. It's tough, there is no question about it. I can't say I am the biggest fan of country music, but there is a song by Rascal Flatts: "God Blessed the Broken Road". It's very, very true. I hope you can find strength. Continue to post. Most of us out here have been, or are going through very similar situations.

BigSyke, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. It's probably very hard for you to accept everything that is going on. After all, you are human and you are being lead by your heart right now and not your head. Your situation sounds very complex with a child on the way. As for your friends... If they were truly your friends, they will come back around. You should try reaching out to them and let them know what you are going through. It's amazing what happens when you are in love. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in a relationship and put off doing things with friends. How do things get better? As some have already stated, you should try and not be in contact with her. You should ignore her attempts to contact you right now. You need to concentrate on you for a while. You should be involved with friends, family, as well as counseling. You should consider going to see someone and get on some medication as well. Don't get too heavy into drinking. Sure, while being drunk, things seem fine, but you will find yourself twice as depressed and hung over after. Like you, I was engaged, and we called our wedding off. It's been about 5 months now, and it's still a roller coaster, and probably will be for a while. This may sound strange, but it is probably a blessing in disguise that you are figuring out what type of person she really is, prior to getting married. I have found out things about my ex from some of her friends that really make it more true. Granted, my heart still loves her. Time will heal that... I am feeling for you. Worst case, take at least 1 month of no contact and get some help. You are human, and you don't have to go through this alone.

Thanks Frisco. Talking definitely helps. Sometimes it seems so hard to control the emotions and be led by my heart and trying to analyze everything at every angle... I know what I need to do, but it's just very hard to do it.

Understood. I am wondering if anyone out here has the same problem, and a cure for it???

I am trying to figure out why I take things so hard??? I beat myself up, and over analyze things to death Many people on this board have been through very serious breakups and face depression and anxiety as a result. I went through the worst breakup of my life when my fiance and I called off our wedding last July. I have been through 2 serious breakups in the past few years. What I have noticed is that I get very depressed and have a lot of anxiety as a result. I have been to the doc, spoken with counselors... Time seems to heal all wounds. After all, I would not have met my recent ex if I did not breakup with the 1st one in the 1st place I have had support from family and friends, but it seems I take it to the extreme. I started getting better last year, but as soon as Christmas and New Years came, I started getting down all over again. Outside of time heals, everything happens for a reason, I am better than that, go out and have fun, the right one will come along (we have all heard these and many more)... In both situations, these women had some major issues. I am probably better off now without her (after talking with some of her friends and seeing some of her actions). It's like my head knows that, but my heart won't listen.

Aminta, sorry to hear what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my ex about 4 months ago. There are so many reminders, and when your heart is leading you over your mind, it's very, very difficult to switch gears and follow advice from this board, or from friends, or from family. I still struggle in many ways, and I know that at some point, things will get better. It will be a rollercoaster for you. You will have good days, and bad days. The nice thing about this board is that most of us have been through these experiences. You may want to consider doing everything in your power not to see him or have to be that close to him. Reminders are the hardest part. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I would send him an email or a letter letting him know that you are moving forward in life. It's not about giving him an ultimatum. I would simply let him know that he has his space, and I would go no contact. If and when he is ready for a relationship with you, then it's something to talk about... I received this advice 3 months ago after my ex asked for "space". I wish I would have followed it. I have been chasing her, and I am finally starting to wake up... Good luck, and be strong. If it's meant to be, he will be back...

She probably is playing her brother against you. You may have lost a friend in the deal. Here's to 2007... Good luck buddy.

Dan, I am sorry to hear about your loss. It's tough. Most people on here are going through, or have gone through what you are going through. I am not sure how long you went out with her, but try and remember yourself before you went out with her. You are 17, and believe me, this may happen again. I am 35, and have truly had my heart broken 3 times... You have to trust that everything happens for a reason. A new year starts soon, make it a fresh start...

Frisco, All great points. It's not really that the feelings necessarily change on a dime, but good relationships have a solid foundation of communication. If the person your with has not communicated anything to you and catches you completely off guard with goodbye... That was more of my point on this one...

Maybe just fire him an email back stating thank you for the card, but that you are not interested in being with him and wish him the best... I have been on both sides of this situation. You don't want to be mean, but you should clear things up and at least let him know you received it. There's no worse feeling than rejection, but if he knows there is no interest, it will probably help him move on...

The key is to live life and enjoy it. Don't let wonderful things pass you by because of a career. Personal goals are great. Achieving success at work is great, but without balance, it just does not mean the same thing...

I had a very similar situation. You think NC will make them forget about you. You fight harder to keep them, or to get them to come back, and it pushes them away further. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON... We just need to keep moving forward and trust in it. The only thing we truly have control over is ourselves...

You make perfect sense here. I am male, and I feel the same way about my female ex. How can someone who says they love you so much and want to spend the rest of their life with you change on a dime. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Hopefully, this guy will work out better for you...

Relationships should not be about compromise, but being there for each other when it counts. In my opinion, the most healthy relationships are where each has their own personal goals that they want to fulfill. There is not a magic age, or time where this occurs. Each person has to be ready for a commitment. I have put on so many penguin suits and stood up next to my friends in their weddings over the past 10 years. Everything happens for a reason, but I know that I gave up on some pretty good relationships because I was so focused on me. The only thing I want to make sure is that I don't wake up one day and realize that life has passed me by... Kind of like the movie "Click"

My friends are tired of hearing me talk about my ex too. It's especially tough for you since there was a mutual friend in her brother involved. It's been 2 months since I have seen my ex (but I did not give up on email, text and phone). I have ties with some of her friends. Those friends are no longer friends of hers. She has basically gone off the deep end. Your ex has issues. I think the advice of steering clear of her and her brother for now is a good idea. Seeing her might make it harder. Look forward to 2007. Make plans for New Years eve, and consider this chapter of your life closed. I wish you the best.

Thanks Polo. The only other point I would add to the late 20s. If you find that special someone during that time, and things are going great in other areas of your life and you are established, then consider that relationship a part of your life. Don't misunderstand me, I am happy, and have come close to marriage twice in my 30s, but there were 2 women I dated in my late 20s that I was very close to getting engaged to. I was too focused on career at the time... Careers and money are great things, but if you don't have that special someone to share it with, they don't mean as much. Good luck all. Merry Christmas

First off, I am sorry to hear about your relationship being over. As for time to find themselves, it depends on their past (has this person always been in relationships, never been alone, bad childhood...). I would give them the space they asked for. I did the opposite with my ex, and I believe there is very little chance we will ever get back together because of it. I don't think dating someone else would necessarily signal the end, because that person may be exploring to determine if you are truly the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with. NC for 1 month does not mean it's over, it just means that person may need more time. If you truly love this person, then write them a letter and let you know how you feel. Let them know that you love them, and would very much like to be back with them, or start over in the relationship. Let them know that you are moving forward in life, and respecting their wishes for time and space to figure out what they want. It's really not giving them an ultimatum, but they should know that you will not be sitting around and waiting for them. This was great advice given to me, that I did not have the strength to follow. I let her know I miss her too much, and did not give her any space. If it's meant to be, she will come back. That is something so hard to trust in. If it's not, you will be on your road to recovery much quicker. Cheers

Being single means that you are not in a committed relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend means that you have a established a relationship when you are not seeing anyone else. Progression in that relationship leads to a more serious commitment like living together or becoming engaged. That's where life get's interesting. It's 2 people saying they want to be together. It's like taking a lease on a car and both test driving it for "X" period of time. If they like it, they buy it. If not, they can trade it in or just move on... There are so many conflicting views on what marriage means. Marriage is a covenant. It's when 2 people that truly love each other pledge to spend the rest of their lives together. I would not consider myself a religious person, but there is a huge difference in just living together and pledging your lives before God to form a covenant.

I would not be having a bad Christmas If I had stuck with NC and really started to try and heal back in August...