terk2021

How old are you Tommy?

Well, I have been posting for quite sometime about my relationship that ended. Long story for those that have not read it. If I have to grade myself for how I handled my relationship ending, I would get an F in every catagory: Not respecting her request for space when asked Not committing to NC Going back to her each time she asked Became a doormat Emailed too much Left too many messages Text too much Said things out of anger with regret Apologize for saying things out of anger Said more things out of anger Smothering her The list keeps going. Sound familiar to anyone reading this??? Well, it's not NC, but it was an email letting her know I am moving on, even though I still have so many questions with so little answers. It was in good spirits. I reminded her I loved her, I miss her, and I want to be with her, but that I had no control, and she has her space. Now, I have to be in a position to back up NC and really make it through the toughest part of the year without the person I was set to marry in July... This is nothing new to many of you on the board. I am going out with friends tonight. I have actually been on a few dates over the past few weeks, and it's nice to be reminded that there is still a world out there. I love this woman with all of my heart, and I pray she comes back, but, it's time to move forward. This board offers so much encouragement. There are so many bright, smart people out here, and I thank all of you for offering advice that I just flat out did not listen to But, seriously, it's great to know that we are Not Alone here...

Chillens, AMEN!!!! I am right there with you. It get's old to hear things will get better, and concentrate on yourself, and NC, and everything happens for a reason... Ditto on link removed. I tried eharmony. I have had 2 dates from it so far that were so so. I have been in a 4 month funk trying to get back with my ex, and that's going no where. I am getting to the point though where going out is starting to be fun again. I lost what I thought was the love of my life 2 years ago. Well, it took about a year before I met what became my fiance. I bought her the house of her dreams 4 months before our wedding. Well, she canceled it, and now I have a very big daily reminder of what was... I won't give you the time heals, and what's meant to be speech... I did go out last night, and did not see too much. Not sure what city you live in, but where I am at, there are a ton of 30 something women out there looking for the same thing that are single. I am in my mid 30s, and meeting someone our age usually means they have kids, a bad story of their past, or are so far into their careers and that's the path they have chosen... It's funny how you always hear women wondering where the nice guys are out there that they want to meet... I have heard what a great catch I am, but I have not been caught yet... She's out there for you, just like mine is out there for me. Just go out and have fun, and you will find her when you least expect it. The key is not to stop trying... I wish you well. I am heading out tonight with the boys, and I am going out to have a good time. If I meet someone, it's a bonus. But if not, it's still going to be a good time.

I think I have come to the realization that there is no hope in salvaging my relationship. Now, I am sitting with a ring that I am paying insurance on that I want to sell. It's a painful reminder to see it. I called back the jeweler I bought it from, and they are going to check and see if they need the diamond like it. With this forum, I am sure many of you have gone through the same thing. I just want to get rid of it. I am sure I will not get what I paid for it.

Keep it up. In moments of weakness, keep it up. I wish I could have done that 3 months ago. I think I have ruined any chance of getting back together with her at this point... Instinct and the heart makes you want to fight for the one you love, but strength is what pulls you through... Good luck.

It's most likely fear. I went through something very similar. You are right to tell her that if she is not ready to be at the level in the relationship that you are, you are moving on. I wish I would have followed that advice 3 months ago. Instead, I kept letting her know that I was there for her, and never followed through on NC. When she asked me to come back, I did, she when she asked for a break again, I just kept chasing... I have received 2 dear John letters, the latest one last night... She may have trust issues, and thoughts that she does not deserve to be happy. I would not go with an ultimatum, but if you feel you have the strength to move on and stick to your guns, I would do it. I wish I had that strength right now... Good luck

Love can be an incredible emotion. It hurts when your heart has so much power over your head. If you have had the power to make it this long. Keep going. Seriously, keep going. It's been 4 months since my breakup, and I have broken NC so many times. I even did it again this morning. I feel like I am getting stronger, but the moments of weakness pop up, and I keep giving in to them. Good luck.

This is complicated stuff. I am sure you will get a ton of different opinions on how and what to do. It's especially hard where there is a circle of friends in which it's very easy to find out what's going on in the other person's life. My thoughts would be to send her an email, or a letter. Remind her that you have feelings for her still (if you truly do), but she has asked you to move on in life by breaking things off with you. If you are enjoying dating, then date. When she broke it off with you, it gave you every right to start going out and dating if that's what you wanted to do. Meeting her may turn into a discussion, a fight, and something with no resolution. If you write down your feelings and thoughts from the heart and send them to her, it can give her time to read and digest. That would give her an opportunity to respond with how she feels... Just a thought...

How old are you, and how long did you date?

Is the ex your ex wife or girlfriend?

I would enjoy the conversations and time together, but I would be careful. If she knows what you want is to be back together, and she is not ready, than it may not be fair to you. The key is that you can accept it for what it is, if in fact she does not want what you want. The best advice I can give, which I wish I would have followed from my friends a long time ago: move forward in life, and accept the time that you talk to her and spend with her, but don't put your life on hold hoping she will come back the way you want her...

Thanks LJ. Constant reminders are horrible to deal with. Just checked the mail tonight and got the Mr. & Mrs. invite in the mail for a Christmas party... WHY WHY WHY It's actually been a few good days away from the house. Feeling sorry for myself will not win her back, nor will giving in each time she breaks NC. I just wish sometimes I could get better signs from the Man upstairs... I am actually doing better after my work trip. As for breaking NC, still not so good... I think I am getting stronger though, just continue to have setbacks, but I think I bounce back from each one quicker. It's a start...

I went through about the exact same thing in 2004. I had been friends with a girl from 99 through beginning of 2004. I met her at work. I watched her relationship in 99 go from boyfriend, to very, very long engagement, to a marriage that lasted 2 years. Most of the last year separated as he took a job out of town and rarely came back into town as time went on... Her husband could not stand the fact that we were friends. NOTHING ever happened, we were just good friends. We stopped talking shortly after she got married. Well, as seperation started, 2 months in she was calling me and we started hanging out. Eight months later, I had the title of "nice guy who helped me get over my ex and through my divorce"... Bad situation. I loved her so much. After she finalized divorce, we were getting a lot closer. She started to feel pressure from me and was not ready for a relationship. She took off around the world for 6 months and quit her job... It's amazing what divorce does to people. I have never been married, so I can't say I know what it feels like. The interesting thing is after I have gone through my latesest breakup (not sure if you have read my posts out here...), I am actually seeing her again. The weird thing is, it's fun to hang out, and remember things, and see some of her old friends... It just does not feel the same. My thoughts (only based on what I went through), she has issues to go through, and it may take some time to get over them. I really feel for you here. The one that broke my heart by canceling are wedding 3 weeks prior to it in July... We met last May. She was divorced with a 6 year old. I analyzed the hell out of her past to make sure it had been at least 2 years since divorce, she had dated a few guys in between, and 3 months into dating, I wanted to make sure that we both were looking for the same thing. Well, we were until 3 weeks before the wedding and she canceled it because of fear and remembering how her last marriage failed... I am not trying to make you feel worse, but let me tell you that the pain that I felt having my wedding canceled 3 weeks prior (I did not pressure her into marriage, she planned wedding date, place...). I really thought she was over her past, but it's amazing what pops up... I am not trying to discourage you at all. If you love her, let her know. Most likely, she may truly love you. At minimum, she probably cares about you a lot. Her head (you know her better than I do, and I may be wrong) is probably in a far different place right now than yours is... Good luck. It did feel good to go out with the girl that I helped get through a divorce (a few years ago) over the past few weeks. No hard feelings about the past, because she went through a lot, and we were good friends before. Follow your heart, but protect it as much as possible. No line here, but in this case, her actions probably have nothing to do with you directly...

Sounds like she has some issues my friend. Seems like people that act that way usually have some serious deamons, either from childhood, past relationships, or both... I know the feeling. It does make you want to call. Try sending an email or a letter or something telling her how you feel. It gives her the chance to read it gives her a chance to read it on her time and her terms. Just have to be prepared for what comes back. At minimum, it should help you feel better to at least get some of this off your chest. Only thing is, you have to remember that this may be something she reads over and over, so just be careful with your words. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling someone how you feel, especially when it comes from the heart... Good luck!

I know how you feel from that side of it. My confidence was shattered after my last 2 relationships. It takes time to get it back. Even the way my last relationship ended was 10 times worse then the one before it, I remembered that after 6 months of shutting myself off from the world, I got over it, and met the one that has me in this state now... You sound like an intelligent person. Spend some time and write down the things that you are good at, the thngs you want to be good at. Confidence comes from not only feeling good about what you are doing, but being happy about it too. Remember back in your life before the relationship started. Think back to what kind of person you were then. Cheers.

I am with you my friend. I just got back from a work trip. The guy I was riding with was telling me about how his wife's friend had some guy give her everything for 7 years, canceled there wedding a month prior, and said it was not for him... He said it's been a year for her, but she is still hurting... says she is a great girl and this guy messed up. Says he wants me to meet her. Made me feel good, and I may give it a shot... There are so many ways to go on this. If you want to tell her how you feel, then do it. Sometimes it's almost easier to do it in an email or a letter. To me, it gives her time to read it on her own terms, when she is ready to read it. Some say it is a less personal way to communicate. Put it out there, you just have to be ready for whatever comes back. Sometimes, love blinds us. You probably know her better than anyone on this board. If you feel she loves you, then just tell her how you feel. It's hard when we only have control over how we feel. That's all we can control... The reminders of what we had are what kills me... I do still send emails from time to time, text her that I love her and I am thinking about her... It sucks when the heart has more power then the mind. My prayers are with you...

Try keeping a journal. Write down all of the good things that happened in your relationship, and all of the bad. Remember them both for what they were. Sometimes documenting your thoughts really helps. It get's better with time. So I am told. I am going on 4 months from my breakup, but kept going back, so I am really just starting over. I am going to write down everything about my 1.5 year relationship, so I can remember what was great and bad, what I would change, and what I would not... If we get back, we do, but if not, it's a learning experience that is just preparing you for the one you should truly be with.

Someone is up there looking out for us. There is a plan, so live each day to it's fullest. Wow, I wish I could follow my own advice sometimes. As for the money, you deserve it back... As for the money I am owed, I am writing it off. Some say I am dumb for that, but I believe that I will be paid back in some other way in the future. Have a good night, and remember that tomorrow starts a new week... Cheers.

Nothing wrong with telling her how you feel, just don't give the same message over and over... Leave it where it is and hang in there my friend.

I am jumping offline kickedin, but seriously, I would not recommend ultimatum. It might give you "closure", but might piss her off. The approach above is GOLD in my opinion. I just regret I did not follow it 2 months ago when I had the opportunity. Plus, this gives you time to get your strength back my friend. Hang in there. Everyone posting here has slightly different ideas, these are just mine...

Tough call. I kept telling her how I feel. I have been looking for closure to say one way or the other. My advice: Tell her that you are moving on in life. You know what you want, and she does not. The difference between this and an ultimatum, you are not telling her it's over. Let her know you love her and want to be with her. If and when she is ready, and you are in the same place as you are now, then you will take it from there. The key from this point, you have to move forward and not look back. If she contacts you, keep it upbeat and let her know life is GREAT. You don't have to go out and date or anything, but hang out with friends, go out, and have fun. Don't close off meeting someone else. If you do, have fun, and remember you deserve it. It's up to her to figure out what she wants. You know, and that's the key difference. I have been trying to convince my ex of what I think she wants. Does not work my friend... Hang in there...

Just think back to what you did before you met this guy. It's interesting what happens when people show their true colors. Remember that everything happens for a reason, and someone up there was looking out for you to see what this guy really is, before it went any further. Been in similar situation if you have read my posts. I have a lot of my exes stuff in my house, and there is the money side that I feel she owes me. You know what though, I am going to write it off at this point, and chalk it up to a learning experience. As for what he left you? Put the stuff away in a closet or out of site if it bothers you. He could be leaving that all in place just in case he decides he wants to come back, or just to know that he does not have to have complete closure... Good luck, go out and have fun with your friends. Get back into what you used to do. Sounds like you deserve a lot better than you have received.

Confidence is an interseting subject. Some people can be the most confident in work, or school, or sport, or whatever it is they do on their own. Others are confident at the challenge or opportunity to go up to someone of the opposite sex and introduce themselves. Some have it in both, some have it in none. I would see the key to confidence is not being afraid to fail. If someone or something rejects you for being yourself and going after what you wanted, then failure should not lead to a lack of confidence. Now, sometimes, when you get what you want, and lose it, and that leads to a lack of confidence, that's a different story. That's the boat I am in, and trying to get out of. That's self esteem and a totally different story. Just live your life and go after the things you want with confidence and just have a plan in place to get what you want. But remember, there is a difference between confidence and arrogance...

Please don't take this as advice one way or the other. I was in a training class with a co-worker the other day that got a divorce after 5 years. Reason: She did not want kids, he did... Something they did not really discuss up front prior to getting married...

Problem is since she has been out of the house, she has been working to figure out what's "important" in life. It's been me off and on during our breaks over the past few months. Right now, I am not a priority...