I've finally admitted the truth to my boyfriend today - that I'm not ready to be engaged. He asked me a few months ago, and at the time I said "well, ok, yeah but I don't want to make a big deal about it, no ring needed, etc." Then he asked if that was a yes, and I said yes, although I think I said it because I was too afraid to say I wasn't ready yet.
We have a good relationship, we're best friends, have good communication most of the time, help each other, have fun together, love, respect, and appreciate each other. I can definitely see myself having kids with him and building a life together in the future. We've been together for 1.5 yrs already, more than a year living together.
Ever since his proposal I've had this nagging feeling that something's not right because I'm not at all excited about being engaged, I don't express enthusiasm when I tell people about it, and I'm not having any fanciful thoughts about how our wedding will be, other than that I hope it doesn't cost too much money so we'll have enough to go on the big trip we've been planning.
At the same time, I am sort of panicking inside feeling like I'll never be free again, and I'll never be able to realize my dream of traveling the world for several months on my own, completely free and open to whatever comes along. I feel like there are experiences I want in my life which I haven't had yet and I won't have if we get married. Also, the thought of only being able to sleep with one person for the rest of my life freaks me out. In short, it's pretty obvious that I'm not really ready for this kind of commitment.
Of course my bf is not too happy about this. He feels like I lied to him, and I guess I did. I've been skirting the issue for a while now, talking about my fear of commitment and how I don't want to give up on my dreams - if we get married, the next step will be me going to study for a PhD and basically both of us settling down into a career, then having kids in a few years (BTW I'm 27 and he's 31). Today I finally admitted the whole truth about how I'm feeling and he basically gave me an ultimatum - either we're getting married or there's no point of us staying together and him wasting his time staying with me only for me to decide I don't want to be with him. If I want to travel, it's either us separating and me going it alone and then seeing if he wants to get back together, OR getting married and then traveling.
I don't know what to do now. We're living together and will be at least until May, after that it's time to decide what's next.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
