JohnHanson123

How do I do this?

I just feel like I am too far in it to even stand a chance at leaving her. I mean there's times when I feel like WOW she's the one. Then other times, I feel like I need to get away fast. Her friends are single, which lets them do what they want, have sex with whoever, do whatever they care to do. This is what sucks, because when I tell her "Look, I don't want you to go to this bar or that bar," she immediately turns it around and says that I am a controlling A@#$Hole and that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with a guy like me, who doesn't let her go out and have fun. How do I rebut that? What is MY argument? She makes it seem like I am the bad one.

First off, I have nowhere else to turn and feel that this is a viable option. I feel that if I don't talk to someone or get this out, I will explode or do something stupid to myself. I am 27, male, and would like to just have someone to talk to about where I am at in my life but at the same time, I cannot afford therapy or anything like that. Ok, well, I guess I will start from the beginning. I met my current fiancee in San Marcos, TX, while I lived there and went to school. At first it seemed fine, but she did certain things that I, now as I look back, can see I should have broken up with her. She "tested" me, so to say, either by text messaging an ex bf, or going out to lunch with a guy when she knew we were exclusive and that guy wanted more than just a friendship. None of this stopped me from seeing her, as I felt that I would rather be with her than be alone. I asked her to marry me in March of 2005, which I am regretting now. So anyways, we moved in together up there, and it seemed everything was fine . When we met, I was in shape (5'11, 190 lbs), and had been working out. Well, I weigh about 260 now and feel like crap. No idea if this has anything to do with the relationship. But anyways, I quit school to get into the workforce, and soon thereafter we moved away from each other due to financial as well as just other problems. She was 20 at the time, I was 25. She moved to Arlington, and I moved back to San Antonio. Well, as I was attending classes there, she got an apt, a job, and turned 21. As soon as all this happened, all hell broke loose. Her co-workers started taking her out, she would go out and not answer her cell, get home at 230-3am, all while I waited by the phone ( I know so stupid). I got more and more depressed, and in January of 2006, she lied to me telling me that she was going to a movie with a friend Lisa. I called her and called her, and she didn't answer. SO I called Lisa and guess what: She wasnt with her. I later found out she was with a guy friend who we have fought about before. This should have been the end of it, but I am dumb and it wasn't. I thought the only way to fix it was to move back close to her, so I dropped school once again, moved to Arlington, and got an apt. Well guess what? Nothing changed. At first it was great, but soon after, she started going out again, telling me she was going to have "girl's night out" and basically leaving me at home alone. Now, I was in a new city, knew no one, and she was making me feel selfish for wanting to tag along or go with her out drinking. So it started happening again, to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I felt (feel) so alone, as all of my friends are in San Marcos, and the people I have met here are just friends of her girlfriends, and it is hard for men to make new friends. So anyways, things got so bad and we decided to break up. Well, after about a month, we got back together, and she said she wouldn't treat me like she did anymore. Little things happened but, surprisingly, things did get better. It's still hard to trust her, and every time she even brings up the "girls night", I cringe because of what happened in the past. To me, it seems that once she gets a few drinks in her, she is just not herself anymore. She won't listen to me, stops caring or respecting what I say, and basically gets so annoying that sometimes I want to just hit her (not really but you know, just annoying). Well, we recently moved in with each other again and wanted to get a small house, so we found a great one and are splitting the rent. We are due to get married soon, and she's gotten the invites, the dress, etc. But now she's bringing up the girls nights out again. We have gotten in so many fights because I put my foot down and said that there is no way I'm letting her do that to me again, and she says to give her a chance but in my book, she's had one too many chances. On a side note: This past year (2006), I got arrested for some ticket warrants in this new city, I have gone through 4 jobs, my mom decided she was going to stop paying on my vehicle and DIDN'T tell me, so I got it repossessed and lost a good paying job because of it, and basically just had a really bad year. I haven't spoken to my mother because of what she did either. So basically I feel alone and at my wit's end. The new job I have I make 800 every two weeks, and after rent and bills, have about 50-75 to live off of every single check. The job I have is basically a telemarketing job, I prospect clients to recruit and get them to sign contracts, and I feel like I am not cut out for this, as I don't really enjoy cold calling people but I need the money. I am about as low as I have ever been, and I feel like I am making a huge mistake by not just leaving her and starting new. Sometimes I just want to leave in my car, and throw my cell away, and just never come back. Again, I am sorry I am all over the place, I just need some advice on what to do. If you can offer any advice, please do. I need it bad.