theallegedparadigm

I think this is a step i need to take. I need to remove the power she has over me, i need to realise i deserve better, i need to realise she could never have made me happy because she would have always ended up running away and i need to start getting on with my life. Here goes!

Thanks for the replies, feedback really does help. confusedangel: i have already initiated NC, i told her that right now the pain of being part of her life and knowing we both love each other yet not being able to be together would be far too hard for me to deal with, if she ended up getting with someone else and i was around to witness it i'd die. I asked her to send me an email explaining everything so i could try and make sense of it all but i dont think i'll reply to it. I dont think things will ever change for her, she will always put up barriers as she has done before and she will always run and take the easy option. audreypoulain: when i met with her i didnt want to get back with her, but the feelings that developed from that first meeting i couldnt ignore and so i had to be honest. She told me she wanted to give things another go too so its not that she doesnt love me or doesnt want to, its just that she ''cant''

My ex broke my heart in August, i managed to cope by vilifying her and telling myself she never loved me. From August to last week i didnt speak to her once and thought i had gotten over it. I changed as a person alot in those 6 months that passed and recently contacted her with the aim of catching up with her and seeing what had happened in her life - nothing more and nothing less. I thought i felt indifferently towards her and was sure i could cope with it. When we met for the first time it was obvious the feelings were still there, we met several times and ended up deciding to give things another shot. Yesterday she broke down and told me she couldnt do it as the thought ofher possibly ending up hurting me was too much to take a 2nd time round. Then later on msn she told me she needed space to think. I stupidly invited her over earlier today and we embraced as soon as we saw each other, lots and lots of hugs and kisses but she turned round and said she couldn't give me a future. She told me she still loved me so much it hurt but that she couldnt do it, i couldnt get a more detailed explanation from her. I tried so hard to make her see sense and told her she couldnt just turn her back on love, she said she didnt have a choice. Now she has gone for the second time and knowing how strongly she still feels for me it's an even bigger struggle to cope. I can't make myself hate her again although that would be the easy option, i still love her with all of my soul and i think to make myself hate her again would be such a huge injustice to those feelings of love. I don't want to let her go, i'm not sure i can face NC as i have missed her so much these last 6 months and spending time with her over the last week has made me so happy again. I feel cold, empty, numb and more than anything else...alone. I'm really not sure what to feel and how to act. I just don't want to be in as much pain as i am in now because it is physically hurting me.

Thanks for the replies guys, although they may have been somewhat in vain... I spent the day with her today which was really nice and made me realise that she loved me as much as i love her. On the downside towards the end she got really tearful and said she couldn't do it as hurting me so much first time round almost killed her and she couldn't bear to do it again. Still, life goes on huh...

Is it really possible for a relationship that went hideously wrong first time round to work a second time? My ''ex'' and i split up a good 6 months ago after maybe 8 months of going out. She was the first girl i have felt that strongly for but anyway, we lived in each others pockets, had no life outside of each other, rushed into pretty much everything, she just upped and left one day after a petty row and we had no contact until 3 weeks or so ago. So yeah, 3 weeks ago i decided randomly to contact everyone i had had bad blood with over the last few years and say 'no hard feelings' so to speak. Nothing more and nothing less. She replied fairly soon and we started speaking on msn for a bit. As i still had a few of her things we arranged to go out for a catch up drink and did so. It was pretty weird seeing her after all this time and she seems to have changed for the better since i last saw her in terms of dealing with issues and getting on with her own life, likewise i think i have matured alot in that last 6 months too. The whole seeing her again thing brought back so many happy memories that i had chosen to forgot about and the same for her so we arranged to meet again for an hour the following day. It was still strange but each second i spent in her company the more i realised just how much i had missed her. She drove me back and we ended up kissing, the feelings were coming back pretty strong and i left soon thereafter. After that i sent her a long email letting her know how i felt, that i still had feelings for her, i wasnt expecting anything at all but i felt like i owed it to myself to be honest and she came to see me again the next day saying she wanted to give things a go too but just to take everything as slowly as pos which is fair enough. I guess what im wondering is, after lots of people saying going back to exes is a bad idea, can patterns in relationships really change? Or is it likely what ended up going wrong before will happen again? J

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I was in the same situation a couple of years back, i got on REALLY well with her and we had such a laugh but she really didn't make an effort with herself at all, i wouldnt go as far as saying she looked horrible, but with a bit of effort she could have looked much nicer. I had to end things - i couldnt go out with someone i wasnt physically attracted to in any way.... Your girl can probably improved in her looks quite alot if she wanted to, if she is happy with how she is though then theres not really much you can do about it!

The above makes it sound like you are saying women don't genuinely know how they feel until one of these 'little things' happens. In which case why should you bother with any women if what they tell you they feel, and perhaps even what they think they feel isnt actually the case! It is easy for me to have feelings, know them to be accurate and not have to have one of these 'little things' to know them to be completely true why is it so hard on others? Do you not think it is a little unjust for someone to be told various statements like 'i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you' only to be told again again literally days later (after one of these 'little things' that 'actually that's not how i really feel after all'? I just don't understand how it is possible to go from one polar extreme of 'soul mates' and all that lark to 'actually i don't love you anymore' in such a short space of time. The last ex told me pretty much that in the space of two days she had fallen out of love with me whilst days before asking me about kids names! How is it possible to fall out of love with someone in such a short space of time? Are women just fickle?

I've been wondering about this a fair bit recently as i have had to experiences that suggest that women are somehow able to change their feelings towards guys almost instantly - perhaps i am wrong and it would be great to hear some opinions from other women out there. To elaborate: Ex 1 - Things werent too serious, we got on really well and things seemed to be going great until one day, after about 4 months she turned round and said that it was over (i still havent worked out why). I haven't heard from her since Ex 2 - The first girl i ever loved. We were together for about 6 months and things were very heavy, words like soul mates, love of my life were always popping out from her mouth. Hell she was even talking about marriage and kids one day. After a couple of weeks of petty arguments from both parties she turned round and said she loved me like a friend (literally a day or two before the heavy stuff about long term future was still coming from her). How is it possible for women to change their feelings like this so quickly? Do lots of women do this or is it just me having an unlucky experience so far? How are they able to apparently love you one minute and claim to want to spend the rest of their life with you and the next say that these feelings have changed? I don't know about other guys out there but if i am really into someone, or love them then these feelings can't just turn off, they are there to stay, so how do women manage to do it? Any insights? J

''Someone who loves you wouldn't just walk out and leave like that''

So... I've been chatting to this girl online for ages, she's quite pretty and seems very fun. I would have arranged to meet up with her sooner (she is only a bus ride away) but i'd been attached to quite a jealous girlfriend for ages so it didn't seem like a great idea. That went t*ts up and so i decided to meet her. We met on Monday in central london, there was the inevitable bit of slight awkwardness at first but that soon disappeared when we went to the pub and then to a Moroccan place where we smoked shisha followed by another trip to the pub before it closed. She got quite drunk and i was slightly less so. I played the whole cocky and funny routine and we spent ages taking the p*ss out of each other in a friendly way, nothing malicious. We had a really good time and were both in pretty much constant fits of laughter. I didnt really get any 'im interested' vibes off of her, but then i wasn't really giving out any myself so i suppose i shouldn't complain. We both thanked each other for a great night and said our goodbyes (just a brief hug). The following day we both agreed it had been great fun and i suggested doing it again to which she agreed. I made the mistake however of leaving the ball in her court by telling her to let me know when she is free instead of suggesting something more definitive. I do like her, she is pretty and one of the wittiest people i've met in ages. How do you guys think i should play the situation now? I don't wanna sound desperate but then i don't wanna end up in the friends zone which is what im concerned might already be the case. Thoughts?? Cheers

Sounds similar to the situation i found myself in recently...well with the whole getting serious very quickly, her talking about major committment (ie moving in and marriage and all that) then her turning round and saying she isnt sure she wants a relationship after all because of a relatively small disagreement - and like you she did walk too. Its a horrid situation to be in, it really is. But i've come to realise that women who dont know what they want, or think they know what they want and string you along before they realise that they suddenly don't want any kind of relationship with you anymore after all just aren't worth the investment you have put into them. Now that i have been involved with someone like that i am hoping i'll be able to spot like minded women a mile off because all they do is waste your time. I know the old saying goes 'changing your mind is a woman's prerogative' but some women can really take that to a new level. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but realise that it is a huge blessing this happened relatively early on - think about how hard it would have been x months/years down the line!