BeStrongBeHappy

It's normal to be attracted to someone else, appreciate something about them, but it is not good to ever pursue a deeper friendship/contact etc. because of an attraction, or to obsess about that other person. if those things happen, then you probably want out of your current relationship, but if you just find someone attractive or interesting, but don't feel driven to act on it, then that is normal and your relationship is fine....

relationships are complicated. maybe you're just a pawn in their cheating game... why even mess with this? their relationship, let them deal with it.

ummm. don't count on menopause reducing your sex drive, it can increase it because the estrogen level drops so testosterone levels are higher by comparison... lots of women in 40s/50s really get into sex and want MORE of it... if you really love him, try counseling with him first, but accept that you will always have to be the intitiator, and intiate it as often as you want it... otherwise your only choice is to break up with him... my ex was also a 'diesel' who could be great in bed IF he ever got going, which was rarely... but ialways trying to get things started, and him usually having an excuse... real excuse was he was most likely gay but didn't want to believe it about himself and wanted to ignore that so stayed asexual most of the time (according to therapist, who was the one to tell me this)... so your boyfriend could have a low sex drive, but there could be other reasons for it, and your sex live will get sparser and sparser as time goes on, until he either finds someone else who DOES start his engine and leaves/cheats, or you get sick of it and move out... so you have to decide whether you're going to live without sex becuase that's who he is... comments like 'my stomach is fat' are really just ways of turning you off (whining is sooo unattractive when you're in the mood) because he doesn't want to have sex... i just think you need someone who is normal, because sex is one of life's great pleasure and bonds us with our partners, and you are WAY too young to give it up. many couples NEVER give it up, that is a myth that old people don't have sex, especially with Viagra nowadays! my mother was ill in a nursing home before she died, and here were lots of little old men and ladies chasing each other round that place... in fact, the nurses had to watch some of the old dudes, for fear they would crawl in bed with the unsuspecting ladies when the nurses weren't watching them! so i think the absense of sex drive in someone that young is an ominous sign... either something wrong with them physically (no hormones), or something wrong with the mentally (repressed), or else denying their true sexual orientation (gay).... so try to find out the root of the problem, and if any of the reasons are unacceptable to you, and he doesn't want to try to change, then just save yourself heartache, move on, it will only get worse.

Please, please, please, go.... If your love is all that strong, I don't see why your boyfriend isn't actively encouraging you to go pursue your dreams, and the two of you will find some way to stay together. Why would he ever want to stop you from following that dream, especially since there is nothing stopping you from being together in a year. Tons of people go that length apart when someone is in the military service or special jobs etc. If the love is strong, it will stand, if the love is not strong enough, then there is no reason you should be giving your life's dream up for someone who can't make a short sacrifice for a lifetime of your happiness. I know way too many people who have turned down an incredible opportunity for stay with someone they *thought* was true love, only to have the true love dump them a couple months later for someone else. You are only 17, and that scenario is probably more likely than not, since people that age tend to want to date around and eventually find someone else they want better than their high school sweetheart. so please don't turn this down... just makes plans for him to move out in a year... if he can't wait that long, then he won't stick by you through life's other challenges either...

he's really showing you that he is not willing to compromise or be inconvenienced even one tiny bit for the sake of seeing you or maintaining the relationship... either he is totally selfish, or else he really doesn't want to see you more often and is making an excuse for it... i think you should tell him that you want a boyfriend more often than one day a week, and also, that if he can't spare that 15 minutes for you, obviously he's not that into you... you deserve better... if he won't give it to you, it's just a sign that he will always expect you to give into him, and do what he wants... that's not a relationship, that's him acting like he's the center of the universe, not a good partner.

well, emotions run strong when you love someone, deep love, aggravation etc. if you don't really care about someone, you can blow them off if they irritate you and not care too much... reading your list of reasons to leave, it sounds like you two don't know how to have a fair fight, i.e., how to talk about your differences without turning them into a reason to fight... you have to recognize (and he does too) that a relationship is a continuing negotiation with another person as your needs change... look at each of your reasons to leave, and ask yourself, what would it take from each of you to solve this problem? sometimes it is a question of immaturity where one expects too much, or expects to be 'happy' every moment and have that new love feeling all the time... you say he is grumpy and stressed? why? is there something you can do a a couple to help relieve that, or something he can do such as change a job or whatever is the source of the stress... he doesn't know how to pamper you? then tell him what you need... lots of young couples expect their partner to read their mind, and that is not possible... give him a chance to give you what you want, and you do the same for him... if you don't always meet his standard of 'hot babe',then he needs to get real... is he always a 'hot dude'?? plus, what happens when you get older, or pregnant or whatever...this is immaturity on his part, and if all he wants is a hot babe and nothing else is important to him, he'll spend his life chasing an endless series of young girls, but no deeper satisfaction in life... next time he gives you grief about the hot babe thing, tell him to get over it, or go chase some young girl who won't love him like you do... so lots of things on your list of reasons to leave sound pretty typical for a marriage... you just need to sit down and start communicating better, and negotiating what you want from each other. if what you both want is really far apart, THEN i would consider leaving...

welll, she could maybe see the irony of the fact that you two cheat on her, then you both come tell her like you care about her feelings? if you cared about her feelings, either of you, you wouldn't have done it... it could be bitter laughter on her part, like thinking to herself, what fools they are, or what a fool i am to love someone who cheats on me... really, is he available or not? and she's entitled to have any reaction she wants to the sad news her boyfriends a cheater...

first she wants her old boyfriend back, and now she says she wants to go find a new boyfriend... i'm sorry to say, but that's saying she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. she's given you the 'let's be friends' speech, which is saying, i don't want to be your girlfriend, or she doesn't have boyfriend/girlfriend feelings for you. so really, unless you just want to be her friend and nothing else, i'd move on to NC and get yourself another girlfriend.

umm... h*ll would freeze over before i would stick my hands inside some guy's shirt who was NOT my boyfriend... and putting her head in other guys' laps?? come on now, she's treating every guy on the planet like he's her boyfriend, being a tease and seeing how far she can push it... and if she's cheated 4 or 5 times, that's probably only the number of times you KNOW about, probably she's done it double or triple that... i know you may love her, but she is totally untrustworthy and being very disrespectful and manipulative... i think sooner or later she's gonna find some other guy she likes better and you are out in the cold anyway, so i suggest you think about what marriage etc. would be like with her. i doubt you'd even have any confidence that your children are really YOURS, could be some other guy she slept with the way this woman acts...

Look, there are huge cultural differences here, plus she sounds depressed and desparate to catch you and marry you. remember that this is not a person you have even met in person, and if you move forward with this, you are moving into an unknown where it is already obvious that she has some problems... maybe you should ratchet this back to being friends gradually... just don't meet her, and gradually back away from this, while encouraging her to get help for herself.

this sounds like you have a great fantasy relationship, but the real relationship when you are together is not good... you can't deal with his mother, he has to deal with his mother, and if he is making a choice to spend all his time with his mother rather than you, then that will continue... do you really want a mother in law who is the main woman in your future husband's life?? momma's boys are traditionally lousy husbands, becuase whenever you try to resolve anything, they just run to momma, and momma treats their boy like he is perfect and you are a perfect witch... do you really want to sign up for this?? unless he grows some you-know-what's and decides he's an adult and you are as important to him as his mother (more so as a partner), then you're wasting your time and you will never stop fighting about it...

please recognize that this has been a huge shock for her too, and she is the one who has to make a huge decision, whether to keep the baby, put it up for adoption, or have an abortion... given the circumstances, none of those is a good or easy alternative for her. i am a little concerned that you are willing to break up with her when she has only been grumpy for a couple weeks, and has a good reason for that... i think neither of you signed up for a pregnancy at your age and at this stage in a relationship, but you need to decide whether you are going to do the right thing and stand by her at least until you both decide how to handle this situation. i don't think you're being a jerk, and she isn't having an easy time either, but you both need to take it easy on each other and be kind while working through this unexpected situation.

btw, don't even *think* about hurting yourself over this guy... he's just not worth it... you are obviously a kind and loving person, and he is obviously not... there are lots of manipulators in this world who say pretty words, but if you look at their deeds, they are just interested in filling their own needs, and using other people to do it... please consider counseling, to understand how to recover, and to help you see this guy is NOT worth killing yourself over... get angry, don't get sad, you should be angry, he took a lot of money and used you. you are a great person to help him, he is a loser who doesn't care about anyone but himself... don't confuse yourself with him, you deserve the best, and have lots to live for, another person who is equally loving and kind is in your future, this guy is just your past.

First off, this guy sounds very immature... like he just floats along and whatever happens, happens, and then moves on to the next woman when the heat gets on, i.e., he has a child to support, or he has used up all your money and then some... i am VERY suspicious that he made no plans of his own to pay you back, or even to take a lot of money from you in the first place... could be this guy is a big baby and a user, and when it looks like HE has to be responsible, then he bails out to find the next woman to use... don't listen to his words, what is he actually doing? were you the one supporting his last child?? i am sorry if you thought you were working on a real relationship, but it sounds like he was finding a way to supplement his income... and now that you don't have more to give, he wants to be 'free' (i.e., find the next woman to take care of him)... please count yourself lucky he is gone, and try to recover your money from him... don't listen to his pretty words about loving you etc. if he loved you, he would take responsibility for himself and being a good partner, which is obviusly not his agenda.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you, but he is NOT a decent human being if he will take his vows and commitments so lightly that he would start an affair so soon after you married, and while you were pregnant... just no consideration for you at all, nor for your child together. She's not a nice person either, if she will get involved with a newlywed who's wife is pregnant! so you should be HAPPY you are done with him, though i know it will take a while for your disappointment to pain to resolve itself. Please don't let any false hopes keep you from doing what is right for you and your child. Get a separation agreement and divorce, and file for child support right now. He may think he can walk away scot free from you, but he does have financial responsibilities for you and your child, and needs to pay child support. Please move on with your life, and find someone who really deserves your love, not this selfish jerk who doesn't know what love means...

good for you, move on... it sounds like she's trying to put you in some kind of weird competition with God in her own head, that one you can't win... whack jobs make terrible partners... maybe she's bi-polar or something, but not your problem, no winning when someone is that mercurial, just move on, cut contact, find someone who isn't in some weird struggle with you vs. God.

well, i had a guy use a variant of the 'it's not you, it's me' line... he said something like, 'I don't think i ever love any woman the way that i should, so don't take it personally...' ...to which my response was... to burst out laughing, really couldn't even stop laughing for like 2 minutes! he was so shocked, i think he expected pleading or something, but it was so ridiculous... while i was laughing, i was thinking, so let's see, i've been in love with this guy, giving him all my time and love, and now he's saying he's a ROBOT with no feelings?? it was such an absurd statement on his part i just couldn't help laughing.. the real reason was i was catching onto him, that he was chasing MANY other woman and lying about it... all of whom he would never be able to love the way he should either, of course!!!

I hope you are doing better today, but it is really a grieving process to lose a spouse for any reason, so you have to go through all the stages, disbelief, shock, anger etc., until you finally get to acceptance and happiness to move on again... so be kind to yourself and recognize this will take a while, like healing a broken bone, so you have to work through all your feelings... second, try to focus on not your good memories or jealousy, but the recognition that the man you thought you loved is not the man he really is... you may miss the snuggling etc. but you are were snuggling with a viper, not a teddy bear! or should i say, a viper hidden in a teddy bear... so if you are imagining cozy bedroom scenes between them, also imagine the reality, immediately remind yourself of all the lies and betrayals he did to you... this is NOT a man you should ever trust in your bed, and let her have him, he will be telling her pretty lies within a year or two, and snuggling in some other woman's bed while lying to the skank about it, guaranteed!

it is very common for men involved in affairs to try to pacify their wives and *pretend* they intend to reconcile when they are in fact making plans with the new woman and thinking of way to get the advantage and transfer the assets to higher ground. so he could be putting money into your joint account now, but one day you bounce a check and discover he has emptied the entire account out. because it is a joint account, that is legal for him to do that... you might get your half of the money back evenutally when the divorce is finalized and the judge orders restitution, but until then, you are out of luck... it is well established that he is a liar, an addict, AND is disappearing and obviously having an affair with someone else, no matter what he is tellingyou... this may be a planned move on his part, to move to an apt. so he can spend more time with her without having to report to you. she may have given him an ultimatum to move out too... the reality is that the only person he should be making hundreds of calls to is you or his AA counselor, so no excuse for that, a lie. i think regardless of what he is telling you, he may never be back, just string you along while trying to get the advantage. so it is really in your best interests to hire a private detective, get proof of the adultery, go to court and get a temporary support order from the judge so that it is established that you can live in the house and he must help you with payments until the divorce is settled. he could decide tomorrow on his own that his is not giving you any more money, and then how do you keep a roof over your head? please try not to fire off any more 'how dare you' emails because that is just venting your rage and may only entice him to empty your bank account and refuse to give you money unless you have a court order to make him do so... focus on yourself and your financial survival first, and deal with the emotions in therapy etc. it really sounds like this guy is a loser, a liar, AND an adulterer, so please consider going straight for a separation/divorce, and don't waste more of your life on him...

You have to decide how important your job is to you, because being superfriendly with someone you supervise is very dangerous from a legal perspective... she could say she felt obligated to be friendly with you because you were her boss and she felt if she didn't, you would treat her negatively... so it isn't just strictly a matter of harassment, it could also be that she is NOT showing her true feelings for you, just sucking up to the boss for her own benefit, but drawing the line when she knows you are in a position to actually carry out a physical relationship... so believe it or not, maybe she doesn't like you as much as you think she does, but could be using your feelings to get herself perks, plum assignment, better raises, etc. or the reverse, if the attraction is mutual and so overwhelming that both of you think it could be serious, then one of you can leave your job, end of problem... but how would you feel if you left your job and discovered she STILL didn't date you, or in fact, got YOUR job because you left, then blew you off.... really, corporate romances are shark infested waters, so be very careful... and other people may THINK you are sleeping with her, even if you are not, and resent that and possible favortism you are giving her because of your feelings and gossip endlessly about it. your superiors probably don't like dealing with this stuff either, so even if you don't have sex with her, it can already be negatively affecting your career if the office is in a twitter about it... so you already may be jeopardized if others think you are sleeping together... i suggest you pull WAY back and treat her just like everyone else, and spend time focusing on ALL your co-workers in the same way... start lunching with other *groups* of people, don't take little coffee breaks with her and only travel with her if more people are going etc. i suggest you also talk to her and tell her why you are cooling things down, it is not good for the other people and company if you are the source of gossip. and you might even suggest a transfer within the company, or get a new job if you think the attraction is so overwhelming you can't deal with it... but does expect her to date you then either, becuase you can't be sure whether she really feels the same for you, or is just 'going along' to make it easier for herself and get herself some additional work perks from the boss. sorry to be so cynical about it, but i have managed people and seen this scenario over and over again... someone (male or female) 'working' a friendship with the boss because they are ambitious and using them... some office romances do end up in marriages, but most end up with someone getting sued, fired, or heartbroken and having to face the source of their heartbreak 8 hours a day at work... better for one or the other to quit before it gets there, or else search for partners in a less ambiguous environment...

see if she every says it again... or if you think she is exchanging b.j.'s for 'favors' or to try to manipulate you... that is a really bad sign, becuase then sex is not about pleasure, it becomes about bartering, and she may start withholding etc. to try to control you... if she says it again, laugh, then DON'T pay for whatever she asked for and see what she does... if she gets mad, then you know she was serious, and that's scary...

i really think that you should insist on marriage counseling with him to see how serious he is about restoring your trust and changing his behavior... lots of people, especially men, are into looking at porn, but posting your own pictures without permission is totally unacceptable behavior, as is lying to you about it... i think in marriage counseling you can learn whether this is worth saving or not, but if he refuses to go with you, then i think it is pretty clear that he is not really sincere about changing his behavior, just trying to pacify you and hoping you'll forget about it...

btw, full NC is usually what people do when they want to break up with someone and need to recover and heal... so it is really her EX who should be going full NC with your girlfriend, because he is obviously still carrying a torch for her and it is not doing him much good... unless she is telling him one thing and you another (i.e., maybe is she encouraging him to think that one day she might get back with him?)... regardless, i think it is reasonable of you to expect that she not have constant contact with him, and the you go along whenever she sees him... if he is only a friend, then you should be able to be friends with him too, but if she is excluding you from that friendship,then i'd be really suspicious of her motives. Full NC between the two of them is not absolutely necessary, but certainly constant contact with him is not appropriate for your relationship or that other guy.

i think that some people can maintain contact with an ex as friends, but it is usually when both people have moved on (i.e., he has a new girlfriend too, and is not carrying a torch for her)... it is also a LOT of contact for them to talk every day etc. this is not her best girl friend, this is an ex who is hoping to get her back, so her encouraging him that much is ominous behavior. I think the other issues here is why she has so much contact with him when she knows it upsets you, and he is supposedly 'just a friend...' not respecting her boyfriend's feelings while keeping this other guy on the hook and probably breaking his heart is not very nice of her... i had a couple of guys who were really hung up on me and kept contacting me and trying to be really close friends, and i actually cooled that off because i did not want to get their hopes up because i knew i would never want to date them... i really did enjoy their friendship, but there is something egotistical and selfish about continuing contact with an ex when you have a new boyfriend, and you ex is pining for you. so i would examine it from that angle, and when you talk to her, ask her why she is encouraging him when it is obvious he wants her back and that is not good for your own relationship, or good for the guy who should be looking for a new girlfriend..

It sounds like things got really out of hand with you two, and he may have just been threatening you about the police because he was so mad and just wanted to get left alone... i think the police would put this low on their list of things to investigate/follow up on, and he would have to go to court to get this order, which would cost him time and money... so i suggest you just leave him totally alone, don't call him, text him, talk to him, do ANYTHING related to him, just move on. but recognize that in the future, the best way to break up is to really break away from the person, move on, let it go, find someone better.