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You may as well raise the couple issue. The way I see it, there's not much reason to dance around your feelings anymore; it's not like you need to worry about things changing between you because they already have, and it sounds like you two are on the same wavelength anyway! Anyway, it's really great to hear things worked out well. Good on ya

I assume there's a reason you're not taking her to the prom yourself? So if she has to go without you, she may as well go with a good friend and have a good time. Be happy for her and trust her! Are you concerned about the two of them developing deeper feelings? The way I see it is you can't control her and it's unhealthy to try. Don't sweat what you can't control, and try your best at what you can - being a great guy - and let things happen as they will. But if you're just talking about a simple date to the prom because they each have no one else to go with, then I don't think there's a problem

You don't see the irony in this statement? I can't speak for anyone else, but I suggested changing hairstyle as a symbolic way to turn over a new leaf. When we see the same person in the mirror day in day out, it can be constraining. Changing your hair or your clothes can be like giving yourself "permission" to explore some other aspect of your personality. It emphasises that we can change the way the world sees us and the way we see ourselves. I'd never tell anyone how they should look. All I, and I suspect the others, can do is suggest possibilities.

"Next time you get all girlie, depressed and hysterical..."! Starlight, you're golden! And by the way, do you know the origin of the term "hysterical"? link removed Something to think about

Yeah, "emotional attraction" is pretty vague. I'm not sure a scale can do it justice, so I'll describe it the girl I'm most attracted to (besides my gf): It's more than simply an attraction to her personality (I admire all my friend's personalities, of course) and I definitely compare her to my girlfriend in my mind (as hazey_amber asked). I recognise the symptoms of irrational infatuation. I also think that, if things were different, if I'd met her first for example, then the positions of her and my girlfriend could be reversed! (Maybe that sounds as though I can't really love my girlfriend, if I can so easily imagine her displaced. I believe love is somewhat arbitrary, but I don't think that takes away from the fact that it's love nonetheless. And love is definitely different from infatuation.) Does that change anyone's opinion of whether it's healthy or not? If I were someone else, I'd probably think that sounded unhealthy By the way, if you asked anyone who knew me, I'm confident they'd say I'm an exemplar of morality. Ha! If only they knew the depths of my depravity (kidding! the point is I'm well behaved )

Zerohalo, I have to agree and disagree with you. Nice story as this might be, I'm afraid it just doesn't fit the romantic comedy mold. The initial attraction has to be followed by a conflict that separates them, a miscommunication that leaves both angsting for each other (cue split-screen moping scene), and finally a critical intervention that brings them back together for a kiss before the credits roll For Starlight's sake I hope it avoids all that movie drama But darn me if I haven't been vicariously glued to this story as it's unfolded anyway. On a more serious note, I also agree that email has served its purpose for now. Nice going Starlight!

I have to agree with Sheyda; it's worth making a distinction between physical and emotional attraction. It seems everyone (so far - dissenting views welcome! ) agrees that physical attraction is normal and healthy, but what about emotional attraction? Hazey_amber, one really difficult thing for me to figure out is what exactly does constitute an "inappropriate situation". My dilemma is thus: 1. It's healthy to be attracted to others (at least to a degree). 2. Going to a movie (for example) alone with a friend would count as "appropriate" if you're not attracted to that friend, but might well count as "inappropriate" if you are quite attracted to that friend. How do you reconcile the two? Does being attracted to someone suddenly change what's appropriate and what's not with that person? Even if the attraction is kept entirely private? I wonder whether the reason it might suddenly become "inappropriate" is because it feeds deeper emotional attraction? It'sallgrand, yep, glad you're having fun. Armchair philosophising is the name of the game here I broadly agree with you. The confusing thing is that I really do love my girlfriend - I don't think it's a relationship about "perks", if I take that to mean sexual satisfaction or social companionship, because both of those have been rough in the past but the relationship has been sustained by something else. (Arguably, as the Devil's Advocate, by "figuring it's the way to go" - I don't have a good answer to that, it's a good point). So, I believe I genuinely love her, but I'm definitely strongly attracted to others. You don't think there's a contradiction there; it's just a stage of life/relationship?

Hmm, with all due respect I don't think my post called for deletion; it was not an offensive post. I used one swear-word that I self-censored enough to convey meaning without offense. My intent was not to evade filters. That said, my apologies for breaching a specific rule, and I will endeavour to fit in with this board's rules in future Rather than retype the whole post, the gist of it was: Yes, I do think people can make simple mistakes like this. I don't think cheating is the black-and-white issue it's often portrayed to be. However, I do think the act is a large warning-flag pointing to deeper problems, and it is those problems, not the act of cheating itself, that should be addressed and forgiven - or not.

Well, I reckon that if he felt he had made a mistake, that reply was the perfect place for him to say so and he didn't. Worst-case, it was a once-off but he's cool with it (hardly a very bad worst-case ), but I, like Jazzkat, think he's just cautious and uncertain himself. I think you email (especially the "I loved it. All of it." comment) made it clear what was on your mind, and it does seem as though he's going along with it rather than clarifying and correcting you. Green lights so far I think you have an easy opening, too, either by email or in person: you can always ask, half-jokingly, for another massage and see what happens!

I'm in a relatively long (4 years) and stable relationship with someone I love, and yet I'm regularly attracted, both physically and emotionally, to other women. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I think that I've never met any woman who I could be in a relationship with, to the exclusion of attraction to all others. (Actually this is the only serious relationship I've ever been in, though I've dated others.) What conclusions do you believe it is possible to draw about: a) me; and b) my current relationship? I'm a firm believer that nothing is ever simple, and I expect responses ranging from "it's normal, you're a guy" to "if you truly loved her you wouldn't want anyone else". I'm not really looking for advice as such... I'm more interested in your thoughts, and I'm putting myself forward as a case study So, what are your thoughts about the implications of outside attractions on a relationship?

Having had a somewhat similar experience, I'd like to pick up on one of Ramsickle's comments. Does he realise that this is so important to you that you're considering leaving him because of it? People can change, but they need to realise what's at stake. I'm totally against manipulating people - you know, the whole threatening to leave, to get your own way, that thing - but if it's the honest truth he deserves to know that breaking up over this is in the realms of possibility, and that may be what makes him take a long hard look at himself. That's not manipulation, that's honest communication. It's not threatening to break up, it's using breaking up as a measure of how much this means to you, to convey the seriousness to him. In my case, after attempt after attempt to talk things through, which didn't work, I told my girlfriend of about 3 years it was over - not abandoning her, still very much a part of her life as a friend, but making it clear that I couldn't go on as a couple as we were. As it happened, that separation only lasted a few weeks, but it made her realise just how serious the issue was, in a way that talking never did before. (I'd like to say everything is perfect after that, but it's not - in the end we still have essentially opposite sex drives - but she compromised enough that we manage together Point is she didn't even think she had to compromise before we went through that drama.) Don't go burning bridges! Just make it clear how much this matters to you.

Just a comment - something that others have implied but I'd like to make explicit... You know, looking at other girls isn't that bad IMO. I know you say you don't, and I believe you, and yes she should trust you, but even if you did check out other girls... so what? That suggests to me that it's not your word she distrusts, it's your feelings. In other words, it doesn't actually matter whether or not you check out other girls, that's incidental. She believes they're a threat to your relationship. That seems like a deeper problem than looking - or not - at girls, and that's what I'd try working on. Maybe I've got it wrong. It's just that I see so much concern about looking at girls - which you say is the only thing she doesn't trust you on - when that seems like such a trivial thing to me.

Yep, if you don't feel that your hair is that much a part of your identity, try a radical (or even not so radical) change, sometimes something as shallow as that can make you feel like a new person. I too can look a lot younger than my age, I get asked for ID all the time when I go out (and here in .au, you only have to be 18 - that's 6 years younger than me!). (No) Thanks to my genes, I can't grow a beard or sideburns worth anything (I just look like I'm trying too hard ), but I've found that some strategic stubble (carefully choose the time when you shave ) can make me look my proper age. Maybe the same would work for you?

Sounds perfectly worded to me! It makes it clear that you'd like to explore what happened further, but places no pressure on anyone. And even if it turns out to be nothing more than an honestly friendly event (*severe skepticism here* ), at least he knows it's cool and you can both move on as friends.

Yeah, I too am the sort of person that can't imagine a long distance relationship . Also Ellie made the excellent point that you can always transfer - factor that into your decision-making, either way. It's easy to transfer between Unis in Australia, I assume it would be the same in the U.S.