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caro33

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Everything posted by caro33

  1. caro33
    I won't intrude with questions about the weight loss and gain - I hope you are happy and healthy. But I think your post is really cool and gives me hope and some incentive to obsess less about my weight/body.
  2. caro33
    Sorry but I can only reiterate that it sounds like she is in the right place. Truly. Have you spoken to her doctor? Are we really just talking depression here? This attention seeking behaviour, which just builds on the past abhorrent behaviour, sounds so much like she's had a major break with reality, some kind of more serious personality disorder. I'm no mental health professional of course.
  3. caro33
    Same kind of thing happened to me, but in my case his ex generally stayed away from us, it was him contacting her. I agree with some of the earlier posters that you shouldn't feel bad about yourself and you should be receiving compliments, but I also disagree that your situation sounds all that simple and is necessarily a 'boot him out' situation. However I only say that because my husband is the same way and after a lot of my obsessing and worrying it became clearer to me he really was just being a little dumb and that's all it was. No easy answer, but I think that christina is about as right as you can be with this one - talk about it, establish your boundaries. If he refuses to 'get it' no matter what, then you have your answer re what to do: either get used to it or leave. You might find, like my guy did, that he has to make a concerted effort and choice to manage his own behaviour, so that the 'triggers' for your worries are not there as much. It worked for us in the end, but I do suggest tackling this head on asap, because I was a wuss and kind of got upset but didn't set my boundaries explicitly, and all it did was make my own distress greater over time.
  4. caro33
    Please don't contact. You don't need to. Irrational people are irrational people, or at least her rationality is so far removed from yours that you can't just 'break though' with one well-worded email. If she was going to see reason as you see it wouldn't the many other explanations have sunk in just a tad? By reacting to this you are fuelling it. People with traits like K do not just say 'oh yeah, she's right, how could I have missed that, jeez I'm sorry'. Not if they felt outraged enough to ignore everything to this point and even send nasty letters/emails. Yes it's unfair that you can have your name and good intentions maligned but these things happen to the best of people. It is not a reflection on you, like I said above I bet everyone knows she's a bit mad. Also, just in case she is a crazy legal case type keep her emails and do not correspond. Correspondence can be twisted 1000 ways.
  5. caro33
    Keep your head AC, sounds like you're doing fine. Good luck, I hope this all works out for you and please do let us know how things are for you when you get back.
  6. caro33
    She sounds nutso, like everyone has said. I have an acquaintance like that and if you feed her bull**** in any way she just believes it more and more. Not that I think you had a real opportunity to tell her to pull her head in - she has the sympathy and support of others here and it's all too easy to demonise you. I know I sound really paranoid but I would make sure I had documented what happened that night, a little more formally than your post but much the same, and I would date it and file it away. Be really clear about your perceptions of her hurt and how she went out afterwards etc. I'm saying that just in case she decides she has a damaged spine or something and decides she has a legal case against your brother-in-law and you. And then I would thank god I don't have anything more to do with her (sorry, maybe the photos are the trade-off) and be pleased she had made it easy on you to not have to be around her again. My experience with people like K is that while you may feel you've entered into bizarro world and think 'how does no one else see this!' I'll bet everyone who knows her even slightly thinks she's a problem. I bet there's heaps more going on in her head, and maybe with her husband, that you don't know about and don't want to know about. I bet she gives off vibes to most people, like a brightly coloured poisonous frog. You did nothing wrong, try not to let it bother you any more. Protect yourself & brother-in-law with a filenote, keep the correspondence from her, and then walk away.
  7. caro33
    Sunshinecoast, I second Batya on this. And the reason I am also talking about the other stuff, such as what he's really like etc, is that all of that will give you insight into what type of person he is, and whether his values really do conflict with yours. We are talking life choices and attitudes that permeate everything, this concern you have about promiscuity is unlikely to be able to be siloed off. Even if you COULD just compartmentalise it, the insight into how he lives his life otherwise (again, viewed in person) will help you see if you can trust him NOW.
  8. caro33
    Yes, if it was JUST about lip gloss I would have forgotten about it or bugged him only because I want my lip gloss back. I would just as likely go buy another if I missed it, because I would assume it had disappeared into the ether the first occasion he said he couldn't find it. hope123, it's interesting, because I think the situation is actually the complete opposite of what you presume re our responses to you on ENA. On every occasion you have asked 'is this thing an issue or am I overreacting' almost every single person has told you you are overreacting. But you then argue with people, or push harder for some kind of support for a view he must be untrustworthy. It is that history of yours, as well as the many posts about what look to be non-issues (sorry, but it's true) that make the rest of us, or at least me, think 'what else is going on here?' If you posted under a different name every time you would get the same responses from people re the over-reacting, and you'd get all those same questions from people about what else has he done to make you doubt him, what sort of person is he etc. Anyway, you have done that already and it was clear you were the same person - doesn't that tell you that the issue is perhaps more about your perception and how you present yourself to us than perhaps our unwillingness to see any one question in isolation? Go back over your posts, read them now there's some distance - are you so sure that you are handling this the right way? The impression you are leaving on this forum is of someone who needs to look deep inside herself and work out how to trust her boyfriend and be happy. That's pretty much it.
  9. caro33
    No no, it's not like that. The Rome thing has been since 2 weeks or so before the wedding, and ever since the wedding. He hadn't been anything like that bad before, and the headphones were quite new. I don't have a problem with his past levels of game play, and he used to prioritise his things well. In any event, had a chat to him about it the other night, and we've sorted this out (for now!).
  10. caro33
    This sounds like a tough time for you both, but well done on working through it and getting to where you are. Even with the anxiety you have, it sounds like a much better place to be. Is the fact that you had no idea about his past transgression that has bugged you the most? I can understand that you might be on high alert now as some way of establishing an 'early warning' system. But I guess the fact is that his one night stand was - (a) only a one night stand, in that at least it wasn't a relationship; and (b) seems to have occurred during a really tough time where you might not have been emotionally available to him (I'm not sure of the relative timeframes, is that true?). Nowadays you are happy, or at least happier, and you have established a new level of intimacy. You are both in a different place. You also know what your cheating left you with - do you think you will do it again? If the answer is 'no' then try and apply that to your husband as well. Now I am definitely NOT saying that cheating is okay if it's a one night stand, or if your partner is treating you badly, but I am trying to help you conceptualise this by the facts. You both made mistakes, but that does not necessarily determine the future for either of you. Some questions: - Do you think it's just a stage you're going through and you'll rebuilt trust, or are you getting worse? - Is there anything you think he can do or say to help you move past this stage? - Is there anything you think you can do for yourself to rebuild the trust you need? - Any chance your anxiety is a lingering relative of the depression, or are they unrelated?
  11. caro33
    The intent of your text was not clear at all, even if I was really keen on you I'm not sure how I would respond. You also don't know how rushed she was when she sent the text, and you don't know what her intentions are from here based on the text. So don't make too big a deal of the text. It's not a yes and it's not a no. Batya is right. You want to stop overanalysing and get a clearer response? Call her. If she's not interested you might know more if you call. I cannot believe that 'girls test you' doubt dip stuff from heloladies. Very common? What is that about. We don't test any more than men do, and I certainly don't think you can generalise like that. Sometimes a person freezes you out because they are shy, or rude, sometimes because they've changed their mind and they're not interested, sometimes because they have other things entirely on their minds etc. I think that one of those is more likely than an active test of your security/insecurity when she's 'acting weird'. Who knows what she's thinking - we don't! Don't mean to sound harsh, but if you need reassurance the only thing that can shed light is to communicate directly with her. Good luck!
  12. caro33
    Dude you are the master of the anticlimax. I just read your previous posts and then here we are at 89%. Well congratulations, that's great. But hey, maybe a little less pressure on yourself?
  13. caro33
    Okay I responded to your other thread before I read this. Are you asking us if you should send an email to break up? Nooooooo!!!! PM me if you like, esp if you want to send an email at all, and want a second opinion. But give yourself some space here if you can, you might genuinely want to do things differently in a few hours/days. You owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to make the time to discuss this face-to-face.
  14. caro33
    Sweetie I'm sorry and I hope you feel better soon, whatever the outcome.
  15. caro33
    Agree completely. And this is how you feel AC! You are responding to SOMETHING, and hey, maybe she'll even help you feel better, not worse. Don't kick yourself too much. These things happen, we can't always be perfect partners. If you behaved rudely, apologise, but you don't need to apologise for sharing your feelings with her. Blurting out to her at her work was a bit unfair, but that's separate from having the feelings in the first place. I see the points raised by others re not blaming her and I begrudgingly agree. However, I still think have some faith in yourself and your perceptions here - sometimes you're not the first person to have felt this about your partner. Previous relationships may have brought out the same issue for her, and it sounds like that is possible from what you've said. So stop doubting yourself and listen between the lines if you get my drift - she may even be aware that she's like this and she chooses to be that way because it makes her feel good. Not that there's anything wrong with that in itself, but it does mean you have to choose to put up or shut up. (That sounded inconsiderate, sorry, but it is still true.)
  16. caro33
    I think blender's advice is really good, and being at least civil to this girl is the decent and righteous thing to do. You can always look at this from a strategic perspective as well, that whole 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' thing. You are better able to defuse your insecurities and see the 'truth' if the two of them are relaxed around you. You may even find that you see a whole new side to her, and she may even be the one to help you with your insecurities about him. Here she is, bestest buds with your b/f for 13 years, living with him, loves him like a sister and has seen him through life since he was a teenager. It seems that you only have things to gain by opening your heart a bit to her and getting to know her better. Gives you insight into him, helps you feel less alienated, you might make a new friend, means she's less likely to criticise you to him.....etc
  17. caro33
    Sorry that this has affected you like it has, and yes it can be difficult to contemplate getting out there or getting interested in someone else. I guess the overriding message here is do your best to not waste any more minutes of your life worrying about this guy or hoping he will change his mind. There really are plenty more fish in the sea, all the more because you're in college and there is so much to do, so many people who you get thrown together with that you can bond with. So do whatever makes you happy for now, and just try and be open to new people - see where it takes you. No easy answer for feeling better here, particularly with the shared friendship circle, sorry. Doesn't help I assume to say we've all been there? It definitely sucks. But you will move on in ways you can't even imagine right now, so believe in your future self and your worth and try not to compromise with this guy, even if he changes his mind. That cycle of hanging around with someone in the hope they'll change their mind about you is crushing to your self-esteem - do what you can to avoid it now while you can.
  18. caro33
    well that's a good outcome then, good for you
  19. caro33
    As the others have said confused70, you did the right thing. And to be frank, it's not just depression is it? She's had a complete personality issue since she lost the weight from the sounds of things. She has had some form of severe breakdown and she is in the best place to help her with that. From all the awful stuff that had happened, this is the logical and best outcome. Not that her attempting suicide is positive but you kind of knew that was a possibility before anyway. Now she is where she needs to be, and your children are safe. In terms of how awful and confused you must have felt in the past when hurtful, dangerous and painful things were happening, surely this position, right here, right now, is better? I'm sure it doesn't feel like that, you've been through so much. But this will pass, you are holding strong and will continue to do so. It is wise for you and your girlfriend to have some space though. You don't need to know exactly how you feel about your wife or her right now, but you do need the space to just live and get through things without any more trauma or 'material' to think about. I think that once you've had the chance to process things, had a chance to calm down and get through each day without more trauma, you might be a better position to decide what feels right. Get some equilibrium. It is right for you to be there in some capacity for your wife right now given your history and your children together. How about you hold off on anything more than basic support though until you have some spare capacity to offer...
  20. caro33
    To be honest, from what you've written on this thread I think you may be over thinking this, or at least, focussing on something that may not be the problem you are afraid it is. I have had my times of massive freakout with my now husband and his ex. Last year and the start of this year was really hard. I do understand how this kind of thing feels and how it can really screw with your head. I have found that the only thing that helps is to stop and look at the facts, and specifically to contextualise the timeframe. I know that I tended to look at everything about him and the ex as present, because it was MY present, and I was dealing with his stories of her and their relationship, and their later best friendship, at the SAME TIME as I was trying to build something with him myself. Photos of them from their relationship were new and present to me because I saw them in 2005 not when they were taken in 2004. I'm not sure the human brain is that great at processing things in their true time sense - we see what we see now as NOW. Ah but maybe that's just me. You are concerned that their intimate past unnaturally flavours their present and future? Perhaps, but I think the 13 years that have passed since probably have overwritten that past intimacy completely. Maybe things were weird for them in the first couple of years or so after they broke up, but it's been a long time. I guess stop and look at that 13 year old you, and ask yourself how much you relate to that person and her worries, loves and fears. Now I know that your 13 is different to his 18/20, but really, when they had those feelings for one another, you were being 13 year old krnswte143. Contextualise their past by your own and it becomes truly distant. What about when you were 15? Who did you have a crush on? What was your life about then? Well your boyfriend and his ex were broken up two years by then! Plot this in a timeframe - if you talked about this with him he would be using the 'real' timeframe for him, just like you use your 'real' timeframe for yourself. It's not real and current for him anymore except as a 'sister' type relationship. It might have been bad judgement for him to list her as his reference, I don't know. But I don't think he's saying you are less important to him. He has just thought 'oh, who knows me best/longest, who is most impartial'. She's family to him, she's not sexual or romantic. You're competing with a sister figure, the issue for you is whether that's still a problem for you. You indicated at the start that it wouldn't be, it's their past that upsets you... Be strong my friend, and start talking more positively to yourself about this. If he has given you no other cause to doubt his feelings for you, then try and not doubt them as best you can. Is there anything you think he can reasonably do to help you feel better but also keep his friendship with her? Anything you might be able to suggest to him?
  21. caro33
    Okay, two weeks spent together. I'm afraid that that is not really long enough to get a sense of what someone's like once they've relaxed a bit . Two weeks is still a 'trying to impress' honeymoon period. But anyway... This move you're making, when is it planned for? Have you been to his country before? Do you know anyone else there? Will there be cultural or job issues for you? What are you going to do about your life back home? Put it on hold to perhaps come back to, or just pick up stumps and start again in the new place? What I'm trying to get at here is that the more you plan for YOU and not some idealistic vision of YOU AND HIM, the safer you'll be. If it were me I would probably not move country but organise to spend 4-6 weeks with him on holiday, at his place. Go there while he's living his life as per normal, with the usual job stressors etc. Go watch him in his natural environment, it might help you understand what you're getting yourself into here...
  22. caro33
    Well those responses you gave sound really promising to me. It would be much more concerning if you thought you were picking up on 'something else' going on, something shady. And if she's 'family' it makes sense why they've stayed close and why she's important to him. More questions to help contextualise this - So how long did they go out for? In those 13 years did they ever have relapses that you know about? You know, like some people can't keep away from one another and become friends with benefits when they're not in their own relationships? When was the last time they slept together do you think? At that time they last slept together, what were you doing in your own life? How old were you? What loomed large for you then, what upset you?
  23. caro33
    If you had met her as having the place in his life that she does and she wasn't an ex, would that make a difference to how you feel? If she was just someone he had always been close to? Do they act in any way like there is a chemistry there beyond close friends? Does he have family he is close to? Does she fill a 'family' role for him perhaps? & here's a hug from me ( ).
  24. caro33
    Oh and Jjasonn28, I think you might be right re this being a new game. Whenever he gets a new one he's quite full-on. But this Rome thing has lasted a few weeks now, and we may be old but we are still newly-weds. I'm hoping he comes to the end of this cycle soon!
  25. caro33
    Yes, agree with you (again) Juliana. I certainly didn't look to take on a computer turnip-head type and I completely agree he needs to ration himself. We're meant to be equals here. I can't imagine the tables turned with me just zoning him out every night to sit next to him with headphones on. I would be aware of what I was doing. I hadn't realised how truly irritated this made me - I am still not over it. He came home early last night (well 8.20pm or so) from training 'to spend time with me' and I still couldn't warm to him. It's all still about tuning out to TV. Poor guy, he's trying to be nice. I'll be better by tonight. Anyway, I am not holding back my disapproval about this because it IS selfishness, and I need to send a message. Thanks everyone for your responses. Actually it's more embarrassing than you have imagined. We're mid-30s, not youngsters, and he's playing some geeky Rome battle game by himself on his laptop. I was quite happy to play XBox with him in the past (but not all the time) but this game shuts me out completely. I would be quite happy to kill off the TV, laptop and XBox and actually live our lives. Perhaps the challenge is for me to set an example and go live MY life, as well as getting him more enthused for stuff for us to do together that is not at home.
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