caro33

Thanks guys. Erm.... re what's happening in his life right now, we got married around 3 weeks ago. But we are happy and all that, he's just one of those introvert video game types. He loves his movies, books, games, anything that takes him out of the everyday. I do think he uses these things to live his life instead of actually living it to some degree, but it's his personality rather than a short term response he has had to an external factor. I married him knowing that. Yes, I will keep talking to him, and will reiterate my wishes. I guess my concern is that it's a slippery slope. He's all sorry for shutting me out, and he watches himself, and I try to be accommodating. Then one day I will find that he seems to be pushing it too far and I get grumpy. A cycle. I suppose my real concern is that I kind of feel like I need to come up with a more 'worthy' time use for us when we're at home, and I don't like that that is what I have to do to avoid the 'default' game playing. Why can't we just sit around together sometimes and it not feel like he is killing time between games? Oh it's not so bad, I am over-reacting to a degree, it's tapping into past issues for me I suppose. He is actually really good for putting me first when we actually have something to do. I might have to just put up or shut up on the 'recreation time around the house' matter and get my own hobby!

Yes I agree that it seems to be so much about which school you got the MBA from. When I was considering it I was really put off because when I enquired at the leading Uni in my city the entire 'information session' was dodgy sales pitch and I learned nothing whatsoever about what they actually did there. I also know heaps of people around me in my current work who have MBAs and you'd never know it. It's not on their business card and their actions tend to speak louder than that qualification. The people who are the promotion decisionmakers don't care about the MBA so much. I'm in the energy industry, in a business that's accross the full value chain. That's not to say it's not valuable in certain industries/levels. I am sure that melrich is right and it's a pre-requisite in some circles. I also have the benefit of another post-grad qualification that tends to get me through the 'glass ceiling'. Fundamentally not sure it's worth the time and money for an MBA unless the kudos can carry you far in your specific industry. However, if they are going to pay for it, that's a lot less to worry about. If you want to do it you will find the time - I did my PhD while working full time, you end up managing fine. Not so good if you have a relationship or children though... So I came full circle and was no help there, sorry!

The maturity and the ego I think. But perhaps also the cultural expectation, the attitude toward traditional roles and being the 'provider'. Thing is, I'm sure we all know people from every extreme, and have horror stories of all sorts. I think it's a major issue of value alignment, the whole attitude toward money and the myriad of issues it brings up. Things to avoid: - Relationship where one ends up being somewhat financially dependent on the other and resents them for it. - Relationship where one ends up being somewhat financially dependent on the other and exploits the situation shamelessly. - Relationship where one's attitudes toward money and the financial independence it allows the other person doesn't sit with their belief about the independence the other SHOULD have. Surely there's more.... So I think a mature relationship just accepts that money in and out is a fluid situation and there are swings and roundabouts to these things. That is, the one who makes the money now might not be the one with all the money later. As long as there's enough to get by and perhaps have some savings, focus instead on the easy stuff, like different beliefs about religion, family, education etc

I know I saw something about this elsewhere, but can't find the thread. Husband can't be weaned off computer games, or at least he seems to be losing his capacity to judge what's reasonable behaviour and keep to it. He used to play a lot of XBox but I was generally okay with that because I got chance to read/do other things, and I was also able to communicate with him when he played; he was quite able to do both at once. He was also aware of the time he spent playing and was good about it. New laptop and new game - this one involves him being plugged in to the computer with noise reducing headphones, so I am shut out. He means well, but has been playing this one a lot and it really bugs me. Time just seems to be going differently when he's on this one...hours slip by every night. Now given I lose him a couple of nights and a full Saturday each week for his martial arts, I think that quality time in what's left does not include at least a couple of hours after work on this game. I got so irritated today about last night that I cracked it and left the house to come to work. I said we both needed some alone time. And today is a public holiday here... So those of you who are addicted to games, what do you think would cause the best effect to get you to ration your behaviour? Any suggestions about how can I express myself, get my needs met and have him have his games within reason WITHOUT getting cranky?

Sorry, but this sounds sweet but oh so wrong. You barely know this guy! He might be truly wonderful, he might not be. He might be 'safe', but he might not - yes STDs can take months to show up. He might be wonderful AND not be safe, how do you align all that? We are talking about your LIFE here, your health, why risk that? I assume you have heard stories from friends, in the media, the movies - people can lie, they make mistakes. Why risk so much so soon? I think that what Batya said sounds harsh - but I also think she sounds spot on. But I'll leave that there, water under the bridge. But please think about it seriously for the future. Re your original question, please take the time to look after yourself, and listen to your instinct here. You sound like on some level you are baulking at this move, and the commitment it entails. From an outside perspective, this sounds completely reasonable given what you've told us. When you've been together, what's the longest time spent together? As in, how long spent in the same town/city?

hope123, I may have mentioned your other posts in most of my responses, but that's generally after I have addressed your specific issue at hand. I tend to refer to your other posts only after you have taken the issue beyond the original matter, or have dismissed the advice given in a way that indicates you WANT to believe something worse. I have seen most other people do the same. We've also asked you many times, and annie has asked you again in this thread - have you seen a counsellor/therapist? Would you? Do you think this is a bad idea for some reason? It's just that a chat with the right person might help you feel much better about all this.

Yes, I agree with Lion-Guy. I think it's probably worth chalking this up to experience in a 'oh well, nice while it lasted, time to move on' kind of way. He does sound like he's saying the kind of things that someone who doesn't want to be exclusive with you would say if they were trying to be nice but withdraw themselves at the same time. For whatever reason, this relationship is not really going ahead right now and you might be best off thinking of it as dead.

The calling rules are a bit dumb if you finesse them, or focus on them, too much. It makes sense to not stalk people, and makes sense to not leave weeks between asking for a number and then calling it. The definitions then get blurry, and there's huge room to move - go with what reflects you and is true to you and you should be okay. Yes agree it's in what you say and your tone more than anything. Make that call!

Hope75, as you probably know, there's actually a lot more than the threads you've linked. But they certainly speak for themselves. hope123, I ask you again, have you spoken to anyone about this face-to-face? Do you honestly think there is no larger issue here? We had the 'can't see the forest for the trees' discussion a week ago or so, but every time the thread starts to go down that line you stop posting. But then you start a new thread along the lines of 'X happened, is he cheating or am I over-reacting?'. What can we do to help you but to also break this cycle?

Call tonight. Perfect timing. Leaving 3 days until a call can hardly be seen as too interested. I would start to question if you had any interest at all if I didn't hear from you soon....

Juliana your posts are awesome . I agree with the points made here: men and women have different styles, and some women tend to think they have the sole right to determine what is 'good enough' communication. There's that whole 'does my bum look big in this' line of questioning also, where you are supposed to know the right answer, and it's mostly about validating the other person, not an honest view. Too hard. And women do tend to empathise by relating their own stories. At least I do . Do you best and do the right thing for yourself first, in terms of being true to yourself. Try and give a little of yourself, as you sound like you're doing. As long as you make the effort to engage, to listen, and be gentle in your opinions (but not flagrantly dishonest) you should be okay.

Yes I agree it's the tone, which of course is a challenge to understand via email . But as a word to respond to sexual overtures it's a bit insulting also, as it reeks indifference or ambivalence. It's like 'yeah, whatever' which is not the best way to respond to someone who's made you a tasty sounding offer - not if you want the offer to stay on the table. In any event, if you've had the 'I hate the word "fine"' conversation already, it sounds like he's trying to pick a fight in a passive-aggressive sense. He's showing you you can't control him, can't constrain him, he's gonna do what he wants so there. So I don't think the word 'fine' is the problem here. Is there a reason he would have been grumpy today or a cause for him to want to get a bit of a fight out of you?

Sorry freedom but this sounds like a recipe for a relationship end! The gist of what you're saying sounds okay but the delivery is a bit of a problem. The two key problems as I see it are: - you don't tell your already insecure girlfriend she's put on weight, not if you value your life; and - you don't take on a 'coach' role unless asked, it comes accross as patronising and it still means she herself has not been empowered or taken responsibility. No everyone drinks sugary fizzy drinks either.

How funny that that word got blanked. I wasn't alluding to some dirty act . I meant the 'skinny' statement got my attention.

Look, let's be honest, we can love our partners dearly but still prefer them visually at a certain stage. And 20 pounds, for example, can make a difference. Having said that, it doesn't mean we love them any less or that we necessarily find them less appealing. I also saw the 'skinny' line from methodman and * * * * *ed up my ears (eyes?) but in my opinion the other sentiments he has stated have way outweighed any overly negative view of his motivations and/or respect for his girlfriend. So hard to ever truly express what's in one's heart to strangers in a written context.

No worries, good luck! You'll need to hang in there with her, you probably know this, but it takes something like 4 weeks or so for our bodies to learn new things and acclimatise, and our brains to retrain. So she'll have off days but if you help her see the larger picture (no pun intended ) that it's not a big deal for the occasional minor setback, and that you're not disappointed in her, it might be easier. It helped me to some degree that my husband does martial arts and is surrounded by personal trainer types. Didn't help that they're all gorgeous, but what was helpful was that as each of them comes up for a match or a body showing-off competition, they have a very matter of fact approach to weight 'ah, need to cut 14 pounds'. For us weight obsessed non-fit people that sounds like a huge deal but to them it's easy, they haven't any emotional baggage. The women as well as the men. There's this nuggety little chick who's my height and just adds and loses kilos (healthily) all the time. It helped me see that you don't have to be defined by your weight or attitude toward your body in its current form. Last thing, if you do go the exercise and weight loss avenue, help her find something she likes doing for her. Once I got going I didn't need my husband's support at all, the 'project' to lose those few pounds became self-fuelling as I got control over myself and started to see a difference. I think that's ultimately what she's unhappy about - it's a loss of control and a frustration about that.

This is an impossible one for you methodman, she is dealing with her own stuff. I am going through the exact same thing myself right now, and my poor guy keeps hearing every day how unhappy I am, then later that day I cannot be bothered to get on my bike and take some exercise. And if he tells me to get on the bike, merely because it will make me feel better the next morning etc, I automatically think 'No! I won't do what he's telling me' and I resent him. Lord, so contrary. The ideas people have suggested make sense, you can only 'win' (and by that, I mean not lose) by telling her she's beautiful, that you adore her as she is. But she'll ignore that. You could even say 'hey I like a bit of junk in the trunk, I think you look BETTER now that when I met you' and that might have a slight effect, but will also wear off. (It sounds like it might be untrue as well, so I'm not suggesting you lie, just saying even that won't work). She is having her own crisis of confidence, she just needs support. Someone's probably said this, but you might make this a bigger deal, don't just try and manage the little eruptions of self-hate as they occur. Take her aside tonight (well, whatever time zone you're in) and say 'honey, I hated that we fought this morning, it is not in any sense what I wanted. I hate that you are feeling bad about yourself, but am struggling with helping you on this issue. I am asking you honestly, for you, what are you prepared to do to make yourself feel better? How can I help? I would like to see you and I commit to some things here, let's make a plan'. Perhaps what you agree together is that she's fine the way she is, and so the challenge is to help her self-confidence. She has to then commit to many fewer statements of self-hate, and maybe even positive affirmations (if you're into that, it sounds new age but actually helps re-train the brain). Perhaps you agree together that she can easily be happier if she puts a bit of effort in - that 10 pounds might take a couple of months, and that if that's what she wants, you guys could make a plan to help her. Mabe you can have a goal too, however, I actually don't suggest you try and lose weight with her, because guys lose it easier and she might find it demoralising for you to lose it faster than her (ahem...been there recently). So I think the key might be to show her that this is bothering you, and that for her sake, you guys need to make a plan and it's gonna be easy if you stick to it....

Look it depends. If he sounds like he doesn't want to hear from you that's a problem. If he sounds ambivalent, it might be insulting. If he treats you like a friend rather than a lover, I can understand you might feel a little second best. However it's completely down to his style. You keep sounding like you are comparing this guy to some ideal man in your head, and the fact is, he's just another person with his own quirks and attitudes, and it's impossible for us to tell from what you're saying whether you are over-reacting or not. Your issue is still around communication. It's not about merely not being 'mean or harsh', you need to be completely clear with him that this is how you feel, not that he is 'wrong' or has failed on some perfect boyfriend test. I understand completely the desire to have these difficult conversations 'virtually' so you don't have to face the fear of it going wrong face-to-face, but hope, it's not very constructive after a year, year and a half together, and it doesn't help your communucation issue at all. So much of everything you post about seems to fundamentally come down to a communication issue. We have also talked in other posts about longer term stuff with this guy, why not get some practice in now to develop your means of expressing your needs and resolving potential conflict? So you have sent the email?

God knows how the men reading your words feel quietgrl, because I personally feel outraged on the behalf of the gentle, good and generous men I know. I know heaps of men who are nothing like the picture you painted, and no, I can't 'prove you wrong' because - (a) I'm in Australia so no meeting is going to happen. (b) Even if I wasn't, I would not introduce one of my lovely male friends to someone who is obviously going to be unpleasant to them, or at least not be emotionally available herself. I'm with Batya here, and others who say that you should adjust your attitude. We've all met creeps and creepettes, and we've all had someone try and use us. But all men are not the same the way women are not the same. But you know that. You sound frustrated and upset, and I'm sorry. And while I agree totally with the 'just get out there, have faith' perspective, you seem to see it as a but trite and not meeting your needs, so let's put that aside for a second. If you stop and take a breath, and look at your own history and the successes/failures of people around you, do you honestly think there is NOTHING you can do for yourself to help: (a) your current state of mind, or (b) your opportunities to meet 'good' men?

Husband always calls when he said he would. Truly attentive. From the start he has been super reliable. In the past I have been with men who purported to love me but were always late and generally unreliable with phone calls. It doesn't necessarily mean the person doesn't love you - people can 'love' you but still not prioritise you. (I question the 'love' but let's not get into a definitional debate.) Not good enough in my books. AntiLove_SuperStar is right, if you're with someone fundamentally unreliable you haven't met the one worthy of you yet. And charliepapa, nice guys do NOT come last. I think we all use our rationalisations for why we get treated badly by others, and nice guys use this one. Maybe bad boys just don't care

It's never wrong to share how you feel, but the issue as I see it is how you choose to share it. It's about picking your time, picking your place, picking your verbal and your body language. If you get any of these fundamentally wrong you may well hear things from him you don't like. If you make an effort to get these all right, you will be positioning yourself and your boyfriend to get the best out of the situation, in that he should be able to hear and understand your concerns and have the emotional space to respond honestly without being defensive. Whatever you do, do not just pick up the phone and give him an earful. If you want to vent, vent here, or vent in front of the mirror, anywhere other than in his vicinity or the vicinity of people who might judge or tell him what you said. You may well not have meant to imply you would vent to him, so sorry if I have misread this. But it looks like you got yourself into a state of frustration there, and while it's valid, it needs to be filtered so that your valid statements don't get wrapped in too much emotion. If he feels like he is beng attacked, or not being given the space to consider and respond, he may well bite back, and he certainly won't absorb what you're saying. Another thing, keep your messages to him clear and easily brought back to one or two key points. Many men do not follow the female 'blurt it all out because it's all related by concept if not in action' style of argument. You need to be clear and precise with what your concerns are and provide means for him to understand how he can better meet your needs.

It really sounds like you have different communication styles hope. And yes, he might be one of the bad on the phone types. Perhaps he was better in the early days, but it's dropped off now a little because he's not on his best behaviour any more trying to impress you. What I would suggest is that whatever you would normally do right now, don't do it. If you would normally call and go through this again, don't expect a different outcome now. What would you normally do? Perhaps leave him alone and give him a chance to miss you, then when you next speak make a plan to spend time together. When you have some time together, no other plans (go get some soup maybe ) have a nice time but also maybe make time to say to him something along the lines of it seems you guys have been talking past one another recently. That you're not sure you've understood what he's been doing, and that's why perhaps you've called at the wrong times (this may be untrue as far as you're concerned but at least it sets a non-accusatory foundation and might help him be more open with you). That you would like to speak with him when you're apart, and perhaps you and he need to agree what would be a reasonable expectation here, and when you should call. That you would expect him to call you too sometimes, and what does he think of all that?

Hey hope, maybe you got his back up and that's why he reacted badly, so let's put aside that particular conversation, unless there's something more to it? Re the general issue, if we just look at how often he takes the initiative: I am not clear, in the past five days, when has he called you? How has he sounded? I agree that it's hard when you feel left out like this, and feel that it's one-sided, particularly when you miss them. It would be ideal if when he has some time he is able to organise himself better to call, and obviously, for him to have the will to call. But we all get caught up in stuff sometimes and occasionally take our partner for granted - it's like 'I know I should call, but I'll do it after i get this thing sorted out - it's not like we won't speak later anyway'. I have to admit I've done that, and I've certainly been on the receiving end of it. I guess if you want to look at this objectively it's worth assessing how often you feel neglected and weighing up these cons with the pros of the relationship. No doubt you'll also get people talking about how some people just don't like being on the phone etc...

Absolutely. This might make her (or anyone in that position) feel momentarily better but I can't see any other benefit. Lots of emotional costs though.

DN he certainly does have the right to walk away and that doesn't make him unworthy, and it also wouldn't be fair to expect him to wait forever. But we weren't really talking about that, not really. There's only so much you can communicate through this medium and I'm waffly enough as it is! The real point I was making was that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. And you know, if I was having doubts, and expressed that kindly and respectfully to my partner, and in theory we were in it for the long haul, I would like to think that he would support me and would try and help me, and us, find a way through rather than just pick up and leave immediately. If he was so committed he would not do that (just up and leave, that is). This is also assuming I was gentle and considerate in my dealing with him on this issue. And yes, this awful period of uncertainty would need to be within a mutually agreeable, reasonable timeframe. I'm not talking about him hanging around forever, being disrespected or cuckolded, and I don't think that's what Girl_2 was saying either. The issue of the other guy I disagree with. She's done nothing with the other guy, I think her thoughts of him are probably more a symptom of the underlying issue, not the cause. I fully support honesty, and have said so, but honesty can be something like 'I have been thinking I might not be able to settle down with just you right now', not 'I have been fantasising about X'. No need to hurt her boyfriend more for the sake of honesty at all costs. He'll go comparing himself to the other person and feel insecure about himself. What purpose would it serve? He just needs to know what she's experiencing right now, which is doubt about their future together, perhaps the desire to see other people. Surely that's confronting enough as it is? (If there was active cheating that's a completely different situation, but it's not the picture the OP has painted.)