Girl_2

what a good post matius! Thankyou I think that is what I'm struggling with. If I go through with it I'm a bad person, if I don't I'm a bad person for letting him be with someone who's not totally committed. (I know I'm not really a bad person but it's sure going to seem that way from other people's perspectives in short run) I can see myself having a great friendship with this person afterwards. We do get along well. If it weren't for all the doubts and differences and clashes in personalities we'd make a great couple.

So how do I make the words come out? How do I tell the person that has been such a huge part of my life that my doubts are serious and something needs to be done? I feel so weak. It's so hard. I've never been faced with a bigger problem. I have realised there is no good time to do this.

I know I am going to hurt many people. Him.... his family. It's hard because I always try to do the best by people and it's going to be hard having people dislike my actions. But I guess I need to focus on the fact that they will deserve to be angry at me...

It's doubts that he is right for me. Everyday there is a little sign that he is not right for me. Some days there is a big sign, but the next day I'll try to reason it out or forget it. I've struggled with this for a while now. I now know the doubts are not going to go away if things stay as they are. They've been there for years. I go through bad patches then great patches. I have been in this relationship for 10 years and feel I have never fully been myself since high school. Always living by someone elses expectations and influences. Not that this is such a bad thing, I mean, I project my opinions onto him aswell, it's just that I've never been alone as an adult and formed my own opinions and interests independently. It's not fair to him that I can't fully put my whole heart into the relationship. I need to tell him seriously about the doubts and dive into the unknown.

Just wondering your experiences from both sides of the story. I am in a terrible situation where I feel I need 'space' or a break from my partner, whom I still like and love but I'm just not sure if he's right for me. I don't know what is right for me... It must be easier when you are sure that you don't love the person anymore right? Possible reasons for this happening may be that two people are in love but want to head in different directions. Or they are just not compatible. Or maybe one has an addiction of some sort or lifestyle that the other can't accept. This is a long term relationship so is pretty serious and scary. I'm so upset that I have to be "the bad guy." I really, really care for him.

Yes I might regreat leaving him, but I might regret not leaving him. I know that he could find a life with someone else, and I'd have to deal with that. Of course I've thought that things might not go my way, a few years of indecision has not left many stones unturned. At the moment I feel that I would not want to be with anyone if I were single for a while. I've never been by myself (as an adult of course) and don't know if I've compromised too much of my individuality in this relationship. The thought of being single is actually an appealing one. My partner has very strong views on alot of things and sometimes I'm not sure if I live life by my values or his. I wouldn't be searching for someone "better" just someone more matched to me and who has the same fundamental values. I know he deserves better.. which is why I've told him about my doubts and am doing something about it. You seem to have been really sure about what you would have felt in the future, chocolady, how you would've felt about him possibly being with someone else and that ended your doubts. That's a good thing. I am unsure about all these things. I am not a very confident person in life & in decision making and my partner is quite the leader and can be quite controlling. This makes it all the harder that throughout our relationship I have looked to him for answers and now am unable to work out problems on my own.

I am not sidelining his happiness, but rather thinking of it constantly. If I didn't give a stuff about him it would be easy for me to take the time I need to sort my stuff out. What I am thinking about is if I'm generally happy then why leave and I have been trying to work out my head for a long time without telling him about it, hoping that I could come to a decision without causing him any hurt. When it became apparent that I couldn't do this I took the next step by telling him hoping that would provide some clarification. It seems this also hasn't worked so now I am thinking about the next step. Of course he deserves someone who loves him fully, and that is what I want for him. If I were able to make the decision wholeheartedly then that would be great for both of us. It is what I've been trying to do for both our sakes. It's also utterly pointless me hurting him by telling him about the other guy. He's not available anyway, and things would be so complicated even if he was available because of our circle of friends that it probably wouldn't work out even if I was single. I do think about him, I can't help it but it's never going to go anywhere, I think maybe I just look at him as a model of what would be a good match for me. So, I don't know for sure if my feelings for him are real, or if I am just focusing on him because of my problems as caro33 says. I heard a saying once "Once you let the cat out of the bag, it's impossible to get it back in." And this cat ain't goin nowhere! Of course he has the right to walk away if I decide I need some space. I would put a time limit on it.. I have the timeframe of 6 months in my head. I have already thought that if I go ahead with it that I'd say to him that he doesn't have to live by any rules.. I don't control him. I would not be with anyone in this time frame, but I couldn't dictate to him what he could do. They'd just be my rules for myself. Plus if he decides while I'm gone that he doesn't want me back, then that would be his decision and I feel (because I know him so well and how he reacts to things) that there is a high possibility that he wont take me back. He can be very ideal about things, and this wouldn't fit into his ideal world. I have tried making a decision and sticking to it, but gradually the feelings and thoughts return. I wish it were that simple as saying "Ok, that's it, I'm staying." And all the problems would go away.

I guess whether I've made the problems up (prophecy thing) or whether they are real, as you say, they are still there, and that is a problem. That's a very clarifying thought. I have been thinking that I do need some time & space, I just get scared because if I go and work out that I want to stay there is a real possibility that he wont take make back. Yes, approaching 30 and feel that I will soon want to have kids and settle in for the long haul, but it freaks me out when I think about doing this. At other times though it seems perfectly natural. I have the "perfect" life. I have a job that I love doing, but it has erratic pay so my partner really supports me and lets me keep doing this job without a part time job to back me up. We live a comfortable life, we have fun... I guess I need to talk more about it with him, tell him my fears.. it's just so hard to turn a happy day into a crap one talking about heavy stuff like this. That sounds so weak, and I'd think if I were an onlooker "just bloody do it" but when you're actually in the situation it's not so easy..

Just found this... This explains exactly what I fear may be happening: A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true. In other words, people do not react only to the situations they are in, but also, and often primarily, to the way they perceive the situations and to the meaning they assign to these situations. thereforeeee, their behavior is determined in part by their perception and the meaning they ascribe to the situations they are in, rather than by the situations themselves. Once a person convinces themselves that a situation really has a certain meaning, regardless of whether it actually does, they will take very real actions in consequence.

You are from Australia too hey?! I hardly ever see the other guy, it does nothing to elieviate (spelling??) my feelings for him. I had to watch him get married last year. You could say it was a painful experience. Which, again made me feel so selfish, as I should've been happy for the couple. What's hard is that if I finally do do something about my doubts there's inevitable suffering to be had on both sides. I can deal with it myself, but I just don't want to put my partner through that. I know if it is the right thing to do, then in the long run it'll be better, but it's just so hard to hurt someone you love. I could go on and list all our similarities & differences, but I don't think that gets me anywhere, just more confused. As I read in a book, this list is always changing, and the scales are tilting from one side to the other, making the decision even harder. One day it's this way, the next day it's that way. The main point I think is, or I feel is, that fundamentally there are some big differences. I really value your input caro33, as all I have been searching for is people who have been in an long term relationship with feelings of doubt. There may be one person I could possibly talk to about this but the problem is I don't trust her to keep her mouth shut. She has been in a long term relationship too, same as me (started from very young). Maybe I should talk to her, but I would feel so awful, like I am telling our relationship secrets and problems to other people, when I know my partner would be mortified to know that other people know. How long did your husband have feelings of doubt for in his other relationship?

your words are so helpful caro33.. thankyou. I do just keep surpressing doubts, until they re-emerge, then I think about them seriously, after all they're there, but then I surpress them again. I do think it's unhealthy and I'm driving myself a bit crazy with it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember my dreams, it would probably make life easier. I wish I could believe in myself and my instincts, but I just don't have that much confidence in myself to choose & do what is the right thing. All my other dreams seem to be right on the mark.. but then I think, maybe because I've created these doubts, the dreams are a product of that? Oh, & it is so much braver to face these things too. It took a long time for me to actually tell him, and I was no brave person whilst doing so. Of course he was upset and angry, but now I've put him in a place of uncertainty too. I have a hard time talking about my feelings, I grew up in a family where we never talked about that kind of stuff. The doubts have been there for a long time, and I think I'm coming to a realization that they're never going to go away. Can I live like this? Yes, I could, I have done, but it's not the most ideal way to live. I am generally happy, though sometimes I am happier when he is away, or when I am away. Thankyou also for telling me I'm not selfish. I still feel it! But thankyou anyway

Thankyou. Batya33, it makes me feel like an awful person because I don't want to be unfaithful in my relationship, but I feel I am doing so emotionally. I'm wondering if this is normal and I should just do the right thing and be with the person that I've built a life with, or whether I should listen to my crazy thoughts. What makes it all the harder is I have nothing else to compare it to. What if I leave and I regret it and this is the best thing for me? What if I'm just a person that chases the unreal; what if I do leave and I feel the same in other relationships? What if I leave then realize I was being stupid & selfish, but then it's too late? As for 'the other guy' I keep trying to push him out of my head, but he keeps coming back. People that look like him on tv or down the street will instantly make me think of him. I constantly have dreams about him. He's just a really, really nice & friendly guy. Maybe I'm just looking at him because he has alot of the qualities that I admire in a person. He's taken, so maybe I just need a person that is like him. His personality type.. maybe that would be a better match for me. I asked someone else once about what they thought of me & my partner & the response was "you're just so different." See, I don't know if it's my own selfishness that makes me have doubts, or whether there are real issues there to make the doubts legitimate.

Thanks for making me feel worse. I haven't "wasted" 10 years of his life. Yes, he does know how I feel, I have recently told him and we are trying to work things out. I don't think counselling would help much. I've already searched for so much help. This is why it's getting so crucial now, we are getting older and now is the time to start planning for the future. The reason it's worrying me even more now than ever before is because I want what's right for him aswell. I know he loves me with all his heart, and I love him too. I think that maybe somehow I can make the doubts go away and we can be happy. I thought maybe telling him the problem would help. I am trying to find a solution to the problem. If I didn't care about him so much then it wouldn't be much of an issue, but it is. Plus, ten years together is a long time from when we were young, and we are not the same people we were back when we were 18. We have changed. I'm saying I'm not sure if I like who he has turned into.

Yes, I agree he's no good. There's no trust there, and without full trust I don't believe you can have full happiness. You're probably happier without him right?

I have searched and searched for help and answers to my problem. It is driving me crazy. I have been with my partner for 10 years. We met while we were young. My problem is I constantly have doubts about us and am scared of any commitments. I do go thru with commitments, because I can never make a decision, so I keep going on with life. I do love him, I'm just not sure if I like him. We have fun together, and generally life is fun. But there are just constant reminders of how we are different, and things that I don't like about him, times where I get embarrassed by him, and constant dreams of different lovers and a different life. Then there's another layer to the complex problem. I think I love someone who is already taken and committed to someone else. I know this person loved me in the past, but I feel that I just have to swallow my feelings as it is the right thing to do. I can't go and ruin someone else's marriage. Then again I wonder if this person would have commited to this other person if he knew how I felt about him. I still want him to know how I feel, but this is SO selfish, and then again I doubt these feelings too. Then I wonder if I'm just fantasizing, and whether I am being stupid to think that I could be with this person. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and choose him from the beginning. Sometimes I think that he is everything that I've ever wanted. Then, I'll have a really good day with my partner, and I'll think "I love him so much. How could I even think of leaving?" I feel I need to be by myself and work out all the stuff in my head. But I just don't know if I could put him through all that pain, and would probably be back again in a coule of days. I just care for him so much. I feel like an awful, selfish person who doesn't deserve to have someone so dedicated to me.