epiphanie

Thank you guys for your advice. I know it is really over but it hurts so much. I am letting this consume every part of my life. It's hard for me to remember back when he was out of the picture. It was just me and my son. I want to move on but I can't stop obsessing over the situation. Does anyone have any good ideas on how to cope?

In mind my mind I know you're right I wish my heart would catch up. It just makes me mad that I was doing great without him. Sometimes I think he knew that and just wanted spoil my happiness. I'll admit I was lonely, but not unhappy.

I am so glad I found this site a couple of years ago. I have always just read but now I hope I can get some advice or a little support. So my story begins about three years ago... My husband and I broke up, we were having problems in our marriage and he finally said he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I thought that we could still work it out but at the time he was angry with me and wanted no such thing. Four months later I find out he's dating and thats when I decided that if he's with someone else then we would never get back together and excepted that it was over for good. So I took care of our son we worked out a custody arrangement. Life went on. I sought counseling to take care of my depression. The separation wasn't the cause but it didn't help. The year prior to our break up I lost my grandmother, my dad, and a really good friend and I didn't know how to cope and he didn't know how to help me. The woman he was dating wanted nothing to do with our son and I told my husband that if thats the way she is then I wouldn't feel comfortable with her around my son. We made adeal that before we allow anyone were dating to come around our son they would have to meet the other parent first. I guess it got really bad betweent them because last christmas my husband and i made an agreement that since he didn't have to work that last two weeks of the year that he would keep our son. She flipped out and called me calling me a bad mom and that I need to take care of my son so that she could be with my husband. They broke up shortly after. I didn't know until later that they did I really didn't care. I was too worried about the relationship I had to end. Well in March my son was signed up for t-ball and we began seeing alot more of each other talking at the games and practices. In April I told my husband that since we're not going to be getting back together that he should file for divorce and we did. We we're friends again and I was happy with that. Now our divorce would have been final on October 15. I wasn't happy about it but I knew I'd would be totally free. In late May my husband asked me if the three of us could hang out, later if we could go to dinner. I agreed thatought nothing of it. I wanted to be friends. After that night we began hanging out alot and eventually it turned sexual. We continued to grow closer and in July he said that he received a letter from the court about our divorce, he then said he didn't want a divorce he justed file because he thought I wanted it. I told him that I never wanted to get divorced but if we weren't going to be together than there's no reason to stay married. Although I was happy he said that I didn't quite trust him so I sent him an email letting him know that he had to be 100% willing to commit to this otherwise don't bother I don't want to be hurt. I wait and wait until finally last month he said he went to court and dismissed the divorce. I waited till I received the copy in the mail confirming this before I finally exhaled. Earlier this month I snooped into his email and found that he had just started talking with this lady from his work. I accused him of seeing someone else. He said was not it's just that he thought that he would have fallen in love with me again and he feels trapped and not sure if he wants to be with me. He needs space to figure things out. I later read another email of him telling her that she gives great backrubs, he hopes to share special moments with her and he hope he isn't taking too much of her time. Now last week we have a talk I tell him that I would be willing to give him all the time in the world, but I won't if there's another woman. I also told him that if needs to be with someone to go, do it. I lived for two and a half years without him I could do it again. I did let him know that I felt as though he just came back into my life and he wants to leave already. He said I'm not going to lose him, that I scare him a little bec I said I loved him and he care about me but he's not in love with me. I can deal with not being in love just yet. Thats's something that takes time. He stills says he doesn't want a divorce, he's not seeing anyone. he's scared he will hurt me. He says he can't be my "guy." He thinks that we moved way to quick for him and right now he truly doesn't know what he wants and all he wants is space right now, and to let him initiate contact.. I am willing to work on our relationship, but there's no way I will even consider it if he messing with another woman and he knows it. I want so badly to do nc with the exception of nessessary conact, son, child support. I am so worried that he's with that other lady that I can't do it. Any insight is greatly appreciated