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caro33

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Everything posted by caro33

  1. caro33
    Don't have anything much to add here but support. The others are right, what you're going through is tough but it's normal. You do sound bright and smart, and good for you for coming here also. Something I have been wondering about, mainly because the world seems to have changed a lot in the since I was 15 - do you feel much pressure from the culture/your friends etc to take things ahead physically with boys? Is there much acceptance for taking your time? I ask this because I have been watching stuff like Video Hits etc and cannot believe the whole 'raunch culture' thing with teenagers wearing next to nothing and rappers going on about their 'ho's etc. I reckon if I was 15 these days I would be feeling pretty confused, even more so than when I was 15 in the late 80s. Actually, I dated a guy a year and a half ago and I had exactly the same freakout as you did at one point. Inexplicable, but just a 'no! get me outta here!' moment. These things happen. If you're not ready to deal with certain things, you just aren't. The best thing that comes with maturity is realising you can do what you want - and also NOT do what you want. But it sounds like you have a grip on that already, so good work.
  2. caro33
    Yeah Diggity, good MMA post. I have heard so many stories of ninjas and the like thinking they can whip the people from my husband's club, only to find they are resoundingly beaten. There's this one story of a guy who thought he was king in some choreographed martial art having to tap multiple times, each time he said 'no let's start again, I must have missed something'. He ended up just losing the plot and trying to gouge eyes. BJJ is mighty confronting to us non-fighting types but that's because it's real and it works. Husband was a bouncer, and many of his friends have bounced at some point, and the BJJ and shootfighting type standup/thai boxing were the only things that worked.
  3. caro33
    Okay hope, so we find ourselves in the same situation we always find ourselves with one of your threads - there is that usual lifecycle that is all too recognisable. I am asking you seriously, and I mean no offence, but what do you get out of posting on this forum? Because I can't help but think that we are just not making a connection here, not in this thread and not in any of the many previous ones about the various concerns you have had. We all talk past you, and you past us; I find myself at the end too weary to bother continuing because it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. (But for some reason I try to break through the next time you start a thread.) What is going on here? Are you absorbing what we're saying? If you do not agree with our advice then why do you seem to value our opinions by coming back? What can we do to break through this, how can we better meet your needs? It would seem to me that you continue to post in the hope that someone just says 'hey girl, you're right, he's cheating, he's a dirtbag', and we generally don't because the things you post about are not black and white, and because we have no way of knowing. We always end up with a combo of 'this doesn't sound like fun/you need to reassess this relationship/you have trust issues/talk to him/perhaps you're not compatible'. Why do you need to hear that he's disrespectful or untrustworthy so much, and why do you not think that the fact you feel like that generally is the real problem? Am I wrong? Oh well, I don't really expect an answer. See you on your next thread.
  4. caro33
    Well you've done what you can, and it must be a hard time for you. For what it's worth, it sounds like you are not being unreasonable. I personally would never have those expectations of a guy. But what's reasonable is so much up to interpretation, that perhaps she is also reasonable in her own way. I know that sounds wussy, but if everyone she knows and respects buys into the whole 'man pays for everything' way of being, that's just the way it is. There are heaps of women out there who will have values much more like your own. On the counselling issue, I do think that if the relationship is workable and you are committed, 10 months is not too short to get counselling. I guess the matter is if you want to, and if you believe it will improve things at all. Who knows. However, not speaking since Friday doesn't look good. One of you should have softened by now to open the communication gates, and if neither of you has done so it seems unlikely this is worth fighting for at this stage.
  5. caro33
    So what is your plan bitterbear? How do you feel this is going to play out and what are you going to do?
  6. caro33
    Ah perhaps he did, bitterbear can you clarify? I have found the debates within this thread hard enough to follow as it is
  7. caro33
    teddy, I don't think anyone here thinks that. The point though, is that he is saying that he pays not only for his share of the rent, but also all living expenses for both of them. The problems then seem to be: - he is having difficulties affording all this, but she won't step up, even though she works; and - even though he pays the same rent as her, she refuses to see him as having an equal say in the house. I have assumed that he is wanting her to: (a) acknowledge his input and give him more equal rights in the home; and (b) perhaps put in what she can afford to the running of the house, all those household and grocery and utilities costs that he is paying for both of them. Now I may be wrong, but that is my evaluation of the situation. It then seems that they have a value conflict, because she wants this state of affairs and seems to think it's reasonable, and he does not.
  8. caro33
    Ah! Well thank you for answering my question, because that sheds some light on to what's happening here, for me at least. But it also opens up a whole lot of 'I haven't a clue' because I really don't know if there is a way to move beyond one's partner's deep-held sense of entitlement, particularly if it's a cultural thing. As someone lacking any culture whatsoever I am of no use I can only offer the unhelpful advice that perhaps this is a value issue that you need to see is permanent - you can't change her, so the matter is for you to decide to live with it, or to move on. Do you think you could change her perspective to one you could better live with? What about her friends and family - are they all in these kinds of relationships? I guess if she's modelling herself on her friends and/or family you don't have much hope.
  9. caro33
    hope, it seems that 'advice' to you means active agreement that what you have already done is right. Or perhaps there's someone else you would like 'advice' from because I feel that I, and we, go to some effort to give you real advice and it gets ignored. Look, I know you don't like people bringing up your past posts but I can't see any way around it. This sort of stuff seems to happen constantly, where he does something that you think indicates disrespect or a lack of commitment to you, you get upset with him, it some how gets paved over, then the next example of his disrespect or lack of commitment to you starts up. Can't you see the issues here are bigger? And now it's HIM raising this stuff with you because he is starting to get sick of it. I really don't think that arguing about him turning his head, or the degrees to which it's turned etc is the way to go. What we keep coming back to in your threads is that while you seek black and white 'proof' that you are right and he is wrong, we cannot give that to you. It's a combination of us not being there to see it, that we are not really able to see how big an issue this is, and also we all have different views on what is appropriate. It's also because the fact is there is no right and wrong on most of these matters, it's just about how it makes you feel and what you do to improve the situation. Once again, I ask you, what would it take for him to be everything you want him to be? Can you articulate what that would look like? Do you think in your heart of hearts that he can be that man? If the answer to that last question is 'maybe not', then please just move on. You guys are just not compatible enough and need a chance to be happy elsewhere. I'm sorry you're upset, I really am, but aren't you sick of these doubts? Do you honestly think you could not be happy with any other man (or by yourself?) It just doesn't seem worth it. Relationships should be fun and not riddled with worry that the other person is using you, or lying to you, or looking elsewhere etc.
  10. caro33
    This is one confusing thread, and to top off the confusion we seem to have tapped into the age old 'who pays' feminist vs traditionalist debate that we've had on other threads, a couple of times recently. I do not want to fuel the fire, but I just do not understand how a person can feel that their financial needs should be accounted for entirely by another person by gender alone. And please read that literally - you get fully paid for PURELY because of you are a woman, not because of financial capacity, shared household, work status, family priorities, but just because. It's different where there is a commitment to a shared future, where perhaps one works while the other takes care of the household and family. It's different where there is some mutual understanding and agreement. It is also different in some cultures and countries and I understand that. I was in a developing nation a few years ago where the majority of the women, even though they worked and lived 'First World' lives, still believed the men were there to finance their lives, even if they lived independently. bitterbear, is there some cultural or family expectation that she could have here? are you in a country or within a culture where the man pays for everything to prove his commitment and THEN the woman decides if she wants to commit?
  11. caro33
    I would probably feel a little disgruntled also, I do get what you are saying. But he may well have just been a little thoughtless, he might have been trying to get a rise out of you. He might have seriously thought he doesn't need to compliment you because 'he's with you isn't he' - some people are like that too. I guess I would feel the frustration, then have a think about why the conflict on that issue happened and what might have been motivating him. Your initial reaction from the start of this thread has tended to assume the worst, that is, he's saying to you 'I'd sleep with her'. That may well not have been his intent or even his perspective. Think about it in the terms of a non-threatening issue - you see a cat in the window of a petstore and you think it's creepy and hairless and has bug eyes, and you say so. He then says actually he thinks it's cute. It's a statement of taste, that's all. I do think the progression into 'so you want me to say she's hot then' from him was probably because you made this into an issue for him and he was putting you in your place. Anyway, let's just agree that it was a silly series of events and it made you feel bad, it probably made him feel bad, and that you guys just need to get past this and learn from it. Hope, seriously, so you really think that your boyfriend complimenting you more would have made you immune to him commenting on the barmaid? I am not so sure. Even if you absolutely believe this, you do need to be more explicit with him about what you need to hear - the chances are 'you need to compliment me more' isn't going to mean much to him if he's not wired that way to start with. You will need to give him explicit examples and real guidance about what you need to hear. You then need to be prepared to accept that if he starts saying what he thinks you need to hear that he might not be saying nice things for what you believe are the 'right' reasons. It will take some time to be natural. And I disagree that you don't have to return the favour. You are in a relationship with this man. If you see something you like in him, tell him. Not many other people will, you are the one who is supposed to love him and find him sexy. He needs to hear why you like him as much as you need to hear from him why he likes you. Holding back because you don't want to feed his ego is fair enough SOMETIMES (yes you don't want them getting too full of themselves ) but to not give compliments at all does seem small and petty and not at all within the spirit of a happy relationship. Furthermore, it makes you much less able to 'compete', if you know what I mean, against those potential REAL threats who WILL compliment your man and make him feel good. This is the real world. People like being with people who make them feel good.
  12. caro33
    Completely agree with the above posters, no way please don't do this. The whole bumping into someone in another country aspect needs to be addressed also. You WILL need to stalk him to achieve this - this country is enormous and the cities are large. If you are judging Australia based on Summer Bay or Ramsay Street you need to change your perspective. What state and city/town are we talking about, I can provide more info here if you want. If you make this move for the reason to bump into this guy, be under no illusions. It is not romantic, it is not karma or fate or anything magical, it is obsessive stalking and it will not bring you happiness. It will be expensive financially, and to your self-esteem. It will stop you from achieving the things you should have achieved over that key time.
  13. caro33
    I don't know how to say this without sounding really critical, but hope, do you realise how defensive and unwilling to accept blame you sound? Yes, perhaps he should compliment you more, but you should also be trying to make him feel good about himself too. The way you wrote about how you don't compliment him because he thinks he's hot already just sounded...well, sorry but it sounded really lacking in generosity. Perhaps he should also not have called the girl 'cute' from your perspective, but it sounded like you then helped inflame the situation where perhaps it just didn't need to get like that. Do you think about these things in this way at all, do you think 'oh perhaps I could have handled that better?'. You can address these issues more constructively, and in a way that ultimately serves you better. Being open to what he's saying to you about trusting him and doing your part would perhaps help things a lot. So much of what we ending up talking about with your posts are about the failings of your boyfriend and how he doesn't do 'X' the way you want him to, and then you seek validation from us that you are the one in the right. I have asked you to try and see things from his perspective, so that even if you don't agree with him it will help you to engage with him better on these issues. For example, he says 'there's too much conflict for me' and your response to what he's saying is 'that's ridiculous, he has unrealistic expectations about conflict'. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but the message he is sending to you is 'listen to me, I will end this if we can't improve this issue'. So if you want this relationship to last, you should be trying to understand what he is saying so you can respond to it. I really would not talk about any of these issues with him again until you have worked out an approach that takes his concerns into account as well as reflecting your own concerns. You also should try and articulate to yourself, and then to him, what it is EXACTLY that you are looking for from him. Not based on what he should have done before, or his failings, but what you need to hear from him from here on, and what you need to see him doing. And you really must be prepared to do the same for him. And perhaps this needs to be accross all the main sources of conflict, not just each one as it arises. What do you think?
  14. caro33
    Yes but hope, if the fights are always about the same background issue, and he can't see a way to fix things, it might be getting too much. There are fights about silly things like who didn't do their chores, who assumed the other would call and didn't make the effort, who said something rude to the other person's mother, who is taking far too many calls from the ex. These can be unrelated to one another and do not relate necessarily more to one person than the other. But if the fights are all one person criticising the other for their tone, or their absense, or their friends or phone habits etc and the gist of each issue comes down to the same thing, something big like: "If you really loved me you'd do what I want you to do" or "I don't trust you under most circumstances" there is a much bigger problem. It is possible that that is what he is getting at?
  15. caro33
    How often are you actually having these moments of conflict though? How often does he perceive it compared to you? How do these things tend to end? Is there generally one of you who capitulates and one who gets their way? Some couples never have conflict, but I think most do. It can be healthy if it actually means you understand one another better at the end of it. But so much depends on the nature and 'quality' of your conflict. If he's saying he needs to have more happy times and less conflict to be with you you should perhaps listen to him and try to see what he's getting at. Perhaps he's being unfair from your perspective, but it would be dangerous to just argue with him on this one without really listening to what he's telling you.
  16. caro33
    Yes have a talk about it once the ill feelings have perhaps died down a little. Don't attack him on this though if you can help it, it's more about how you have felt in response to things than about his failings as a boyfriend. I agree that if neither of you can remember when you last said something genuinely appreciative of one another, you need to rectify that. Make it clear what you think you need to hear from him, find out what he needs to hear from you, then see if you can either just agree to do better by one another or at least find a compromise... I think there will always be that insecurity there, so many of us have it, that hatred of hearing how attractive our SO finds other people. But it's life, and the best I think we can do is to - (a) find someone who matches our own values, (b) be prepared to still have the occasional misunderstanding, © when there's a slipup, try to be generous with the other person, (d) but also express your needs when this needs to occur.
  17. caro33
    This sounds like a painful experience, which is not exactly what any of us want from a relationship hey! I agree with the other posters that you basically need to renegotiate the basis of power for each of you in this relationship. For all sorts of worthy and/or understandable reasons you have found yourself with someone who seems to be in a habit of emotionally blackmailing you. Perhaps she believes this is the only ways she gets 'heard' by you, who knows. She also sounds like several of the people who post on ENA so I think it would be terrific if they read your post and you read their posts, because it might help people get where the other side is coming from! But for your own situation, I think that it is about identifying what you need from one another, and articulating it clearly. Yes, it's about communication, but there are heaps of different ways to try and communicate. For example, this might make you both a bit self-conscious, but you could perhaps make it a task for each of you to write down: (a) The top five things you each value in life, such as independence, love, support, financial comfort, relaxation, alone time, family, sports etc. (b) The top five things you each need from a relationship. © The top five things you appreciate about one another generally. (d) Top five things the other person specifically does for you that you enjoy, all those little things. Then find some quiet time together to go through each of your values lists, and discuss what you mean. Any discrepancies between the lists that tap into where one of you feels let down might help explain all that, and help you come to a compromise. It all helps understand where the other person is coming from. (I wouldn't write lists about what you aren't getting from the other person, but raise this gently in a positive way while you are talking.) And if the answers and discussion identify major chasms in your alignment and capacity to be with one another, pay attention. Some values issues cannot be fixed or papered over.
  18. caro33
    Hey there hope123. I find personally that it's the language that gets my back up. If my husband says someone is pretty, or attractive, I am not worried. I know he thinks I am too, so I am not threatened. It's also a kind of sterile comment if you know what I mean, it's not a sexed up sounding statement. However if he says someone is 'hot' my insecurity rises to the surface, because to me that is code for 'f**kable', or if this gets blanked, then 'beddable'. That then takes a bland seeming statement into the 'oh I would like to sleep with her' terrain, which upsets me to hear. I don't need to hear it. I will get cranky. So my way of dealing with this is a hybrid of what everyone's said before: 1) Try to not take it personally. 2) Failing that, I will get a bit grumpy and quiet until the moment has passed. I recognise as Scout says, that these moments happen sometimes, you get over it. 3) If I stay grumpy I will perhaps wait until a quiet moment and then advise him that I realise I am being insecure, and I know he didn't mean anything by it, but statements like that (eg 'she's HAWT') sound like verbal ogling and I don't like it. I can't police his thoughts and he's free to have them, but if he wants me to stay sweet he should watch his language when he is obviously appreciating another womans 'assets'. I do think that the issue you raise of how he doesn't compliment you, and how you also don't compliment him because it sounds like you are just feeding his ego, is a real problem. You are in a relationship! A loving, intimate relationship and you don't tell one another how much you fancy each other? Are you kidding me? No wonder this relationship is such a source of insecurity for you and you spend so much time doubting. I think you have a real passive-aggressive thing going on with each other. I also think it's entirely possible he said the bar woman was hot to get a rise out of you. If you are going to stick it out with this relationship I think you need to refresh this particular issue and start again. Have a talk and say that you need greater emotional intimacy, and try a find a way to give and receive compliments from one another in such a way that you both want to keep giving them. See, no mention of your history . Oops.
  19. caro33
    Yes, it would seem you have a real problem here. Perhaps any one of these issues wouldn't be a big deal, or an insurmountable problem on its own, but the cumulative effect would seem pretty much a relationship ender. The things that jumped out at me the most are - (a) You keep saying he is lying and can't be trusted. Whether it's with his addiction or with the ex, this is a real problem. It shows that he sees what he is doing is 'wrong' by the standards of your relationship, but he's still doing it. (b) The lack of any physical intimacy between you in the environment of the lies, porn and ex would seem a real issue. I would love to tell you something that would help you feel better, but from the way you explain it, this relationship sounds like it's bad news, pure and simple. If I was you and was going to stick with this relationship and make ANY concessions re the ex I would need to also feel like he was prioritising me, our relationship, and can be trusted. So no more promising things he won't deliver, no more carrying on in a surreptitious way with Melissa. Lots of assurances re the relationship, and a resumption of a sex life that makes sense to both of you. In the absense of those things, I think that sticking this out without any changes to the status quo will just drive you mad.
  20. caro33
    Okay sorry, but it's not exactly usual practice around here as far as I can tell. You'll be fine, you're a handsome guy. Nothing to worry about there. (But surely you knew that on some level? Your post re the 6-pack at the start seems a bit disingenuous.) Anyway I am not trying to be rude. Just stick to the 'don't talk about pounding heads/choking' rule for first and second dates, and try to give yourself a break.
  21. caro33
    You just posted some photos as I added my post. Jeez man are you trying to pick up on this site? Wrong place.
  22. caro33
    I married a black belt bjjer. When we first met I was a bit spun out about him talking about choking people out, and he also spent time as a bouncer. It's an odd and slightly confronting to us non-martial arts types. But I soon found out he's the most gentle man, and his friends are as well. The freaky vibe about that hard-core contact wears off quickly if you are not a meat head and you have a life outside the sport. So assume people will be interested in you irrespective of the fighting, and perhaps just steer clear of stories that are too grisly when you first meet a woman you like. She'll get used to it.
  23. caro33
    Excellent news AC, so glad it worked out. It sounds like you both handled this really well. Best of luck to you both.
  24. caro33
    Actaully I've just re-read that she probably gets out tomorrow. I had written a bunch of stuff but deleted it because I am not well enough informed about these things and I seemed to end up with a view she should stay locked up because she has no impulse control and seems out of step with reality. But lots of people like that are out there. confused, what do you think about whether she should be released? Is she a danger still to herself and/or the kids?
  25. caro33
    That's really amazing, both that the doctor has been so slack and/or unavailable, and that this might be common to some degree with people who have has gastric bypass. I never would have imagined. A good point you raised re post-op care. Do you have rights as the husband to speak to her carers? I would have thought so but don't know. Are there other avenues for you to see what's going on? I'm sure you're doing all you can, but this just sounds ridiculous.
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