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Everything posted by caro33

  1. Do not tell anyone. You snooped and now it's your burden I'm afraid. This is absolutely none of your business. I don't mean to sound uncaring. I expect this must be very hard to watch. But it really isn't your business, it's your parents'. I also think you need to pull back from judging if you can - you don't know what happens in their marriage.
  2. Well really, there's single alone and there's 'last person on the planet' type alone. The alone from not being in an intimate relationship is perfectly acceptable and often preferable. Just not for too long (as in years). I've found my times alone to be kind of bittersweet. You get to just breathe, to do the things you want to, when you want to. I'm far more lonely when I'm with someone who I can't relate to or doesn't get me. Seriously, move on. There will always be romantic prospects, when you're ready.
  3. It's not that absolute in my view. And I think I was clear about that. Regardless, I respect the OP's perspective. It's his life and he knows his limits.
  4. Ruka, please pay attention to what you are being told. Decent people don't behave like this. Neither of you sound mature enough at this stage to be committing to anything but doing well at uni, growing yourself and growing your social circle. Willdation, this is bad behaviour because he's trying to control her choices and make her grovel when he is the one who broke up with her, apparently because he didn't want a relationship. And now she has to somehow prove a negative, which as others have pointed out, is largely impossible. Yes we can imagine he didn't like seeing her move on, but that's his issue to just suck up and deal with because he broke up with her.
  5. I completely understand the idea that one shouldn't get sucked into the void of other people's mistakes. Even more so if there is emotional hurt. However, there might have been something you could do to help, like reaching out to someone else for her, taking her to an appointment to get help. You'd draw a line of course. You loved her and pined for her but despite all that you don't want to help at all and apparently see this episode purely as a lesson to not pine for someone in no contact mode in case they become unattractive and you've wasted your time. I don't know, this post makes me sad, and not for the reason you suggest. In any event, this whole NC thing has become some kind of movement, and seems to be used by some as a way of making themselves more appealing to the person who dumped them. Well, no. Not contacting may have that effect, but it's to help people to move on, not to pine.
  6. Yes I know, I meant physically. I referred to the non-sexual cheating as being confused.
  7. Well done! Now stick to it 😀 Come back here every time you want to contact him or pick up....
  8. Good job! Good for you. If he wants to explain he knows where you are. Can I just add though, they really might not be cheating. Perhaps she is just a friend but he's been a bit confused. But this is all up to him to explain and you to believe... (Why should you have broken up ages ago?)
  9. That sounds difficult, and that you've made the right decision. Things will clear up for you but it makes sense that you need to be out of any romantic relationship for a little while until you're clear. Please don't text or email any more though, certainly not anything personal like this to a work colleague.
  10. Hi, I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it must be extremely hurtful. I'm afraid I agree with rustysuit. I think she moved on while in the relationship with you, possibly in the months before. Agree it may not have been physical. It was likely the reason for her leaving. She then rationalised around it with her new perspective that she'd not been happy before. Yes you are better off without her, her actions speak volumes and show her to lack integrity. The coming off birth control to have a child when she was likely pulling away from you is odd, but maybe she didn't actually come off it.
  11. I think I know exactly how you're feeling. I felt as if I would never form meaningful friendships. I made friends once I left school but these were like your uni friends and the friendships turned out to lack depth. It was like that for me until I was in my early 20s and started a different course after dropping out for a year or so. Until then I thought there was something broken and wrong with me, something I didn't understand that made me unappealing and the odd one out. My advice now, as a happy and well-adjusted 44 year old: 1) Have hope, you'll connect with people, you just haven't found your people yet. 2) I guarantee that the people around you who you think fit in and feel connected probably don't think so themselves. They may be riddled with self-doubt.
  12. I had almost ten years in a relationship, and the healing was in fits and starts. I was feeling much better after the first year, but it's 16 years later and I still dream about the hurt regularly. It was traumatic and terrifying. It sounds like you took a long time to have a serious relationship, so it's going to take some time to recover from that. You do need to know though that this one relationship, and its ending, doesn't define you or your relationship possibilities.
  13. I wasn't really sure what I thought. It's easy for women to think a smack on the arse of a man isn't really hitting. I just asked my husband if I did this to him would he think of it as domestic abuse. Now he's a tall jiu jitsu black belt and I'm a small and physically weak woman. He said his view would depend on whether I was being vicious. This was enough to switch me from agreeing more with pippy to agreeing more with butterfly. OP, if you're frustrated enough to lash out physically and there's a chance of it happening again, I think you should go get some counselling to talk about means of managing and expressing your frustration.
  14. What do you want at this stage? Seems to me that you need to do one of three things: 1) Get over it, without expecting any more from her. 2) Leave, without expecting any more from her. 3) Go to counselling together, with the threat that you might need to leave if she won't do this for you and your relationship together.
  15. And have you talked about going together and that being important to you?
  16. When you say the only person who knew your account details was your ex, do you mean this woman we're talking about? Re your last question, I'd say that you'll leave her even though you want to keep trying, and she knows where you are if you feels differently. Then do not contact. I'm still struggling with the fake accounts to be honest. So someone sets these up and sent screenshots to her? Can you not get information about where these came from? Was there information online so that a stranger could know about her and her email account?
  17. Not really. Maybe there was a miscommunication though. But the fat chick thing as a central part of the story pretty much tuned your audience here to reduce any empathy. It's the fact that you used these words and made it clear that it was a shameful act that you could hold over one another. This just isn't the place. It also wasn't really clear what you were asking. Do you want to narrow that part down a bit and you might get different advice?
  18. I'm sorry, I'm struggling with this and have no idea what you want. If he's a narcissist why do you want him? I also question your narcissist diagnosis.
  19. To your questions: 1. Yes it would make me uncomfortable. However this is not me, this is a guy who said he was fine with it. Maybe he is. 2. No you shouldn't take it as he doesn't care about you, but his version of caring for you is clearly not in an exclusive way. If that's what you want then this situation is clearly not aligned with your needs. But you then told us you don't want to be exclusive either. Which all leaves me a little confused about what you're really asking, and why. Also, how old are you? You sound young.
  20. You guys may well be able to work this out, but having relationships with other people is not the way to do it. I agree that suggesting an open relationship was a serious problem. You are one of a number of people on the forum at the moment who admit to years of not making the necessary difference in your relationship, then when it ends, saying 'but I'll change, how do I show her/him?'. 'But I'm serious now.' What do you really think will change? Be honest. You had years of therapy and medication and you threw in the towel every time. Why did the threat of the relationship ending not make you do what you needed to before? I'm not saying that dealing with anxiety and depression is easy. I have first hand experience with both. But I do think that if I was your wife I'd be wondering if (a) things really would change, and (b) if they would, then what were you doing in all the previous years and why was suggesting an open relationship the obvious option.
  21. Reading the other thread certainly puts a different perspective on this thread. You sound like you behaved pretty badly. I also think your language about 'disrespect' and 'control' sounds this is quite an ego issue for you. You don't get to do what you want with no consequences. She is her own person with her own agency and quite possibly after your behaviour you do not have an automatic right to respect.
  22. Agree with abitbroken on all points.
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