caro33
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Everything posted by caro33
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It does sound that he is not 100% committed to making things work with you at this stage, and so is wanting to project himself as single at this event. Now maybe that's still innocent (he's protecting himself), maybe it's not. Your reconciliation may be so fresh that he's just unsure about what will happen and he thinks it's too fragile to risk. By that I mean, perhaps one or more of these girls will come over to talk to you and him, and he is nervous someone will get their nose out of joint. I agree that if he was 100% committed to a future with you right now he would have invited you even though it would be awkward. In fact, the way I would have dealt with this if I was him would be to just not go. There will always be more social occasions in the future, and perhaps you and he will be in a better position to deal with them then. Your relationship seems a little fragile at the moment to jeopardise in any way over something like this. However, having said that, you can't really suggest he not go if he hasn't had this thought. If you did this it would look controlling and would also be dangerous for the relationship. I had something like this happen to me years ago with the ex, and to this day I wonder what happened at the event, and why I wasn't welcome. You do need to find a way to resolve this or it might eat away. It is a tricky chicken and egg thing isn't it - if you don't smile and say 'have a nice time' you can be accused of not building trust, but if he goes and doesn't invite you it doesn't exactly help the trust at your end. But advice about how to deal? Errr....I would probably talk to him again about it and gently ask why he wouldn't want me there. I would let him know how important not being left out at this fragile relationship time meant to me. I would acknowledge that it would be awkward, but that he had nothing to worry about from me, and that I would not put him in a difficult situation. And the others are right, try not to downplay the value of your own company! I think this is just a careful negotiation, and that given the relationship is fragile, you might need to take what he says at face value. You might also want to consider having him go but suggesting you catch up afterward, so he gets a few hours but then he's yours.
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Yes, the way you have described it it sounds exactly as though they think they have bought some time, for whatever purpose, but probably so they don't have to deal with him marrying you just yet. Anyway, you guys are old enough to do your own thing, I'm not sure why the parents' need to have some gap time between weddings should even factor in - are they committing lots of time/money? I had a similar experience, and have shared my story on your other thread. I went overboard and probably killed it with excess wordage, sorry!
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What is his emotions leading to?
caro33 replied to naughtycowgirl's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
Maybe let it go for now? Offer to be there for him but give him his space. He needs to work stuff out and I think for you to trust he's not going to change again he needs to do that in his own time and his own space. Not easy I know, but you cannot force this stuff. Trying to make something happen to make yourself feel better in the short term will generally just worsen the situation. -
Oh dear. What BS. You are being taken for a ride, this guy is trying to work on your self-esteem to make you doubt yourself, and he thinks he has you all worked out. Even if he wasn't trying to bleed you dry, the tone of this email alone is enough to damn him as a self-absorbed w***er. But enough of my judgements, what do you take from this CaliGirl? Does this sound like the guy you'd want to share finances and your life with? Is he worthy of you?
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Agree. Unfortunately it's one of those perverse things that the more you try and preserve a relationship sometimes, the more the other person takes you for granted. It is vital to sometimes just be busy with your own thing. It doesn't have to be disrespectful or secretive, just something like 'honey, just so you know, I won't be home tomorrow night. I am going to Sandra's house for a while and will be back by 10pm. You can get your own dinner, right?'
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Choosing to spend his money on a hobby while you fall behind in rent is unforgiveable. Don't you think? Wouldn't this be clear to you if someone else posted this here? And to then react the way he did when you raised your concerns with him? Unforgiveable. I believe that even if he changed his behaviour now because you gave an ultimatum, you have been sent a clear message that this guy does not have values that reflect what a Mr CaliGirl should have, full stop. He will revert back to a squeezer once he thinks things are safe again. And that's the GOOD interpretation. The BAD interpretation is as others have suggested, and would seem entirely possible: you are being taken for a ride. It happens. The reason why these people get away with it is BECAUSE they are charming and the people with them never think it could happen to them. Please try and cut this one loose if you can.
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What is his emotions leading to?
caro33 replied to naughtycowgirl's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
Sorry cowgirl but I'm not a fan of the 'he's ugly but I don't care' line of thinking. To even mention it shows you care, and it does sound like you think on some level that he is getting a better 'deal' with you than you are with him. So let's leave that there for now. To get this straight, and sorry I haven't read your other posts, but does "I did him wrong 3 times" mean you cheated on him? If that's the case I think he's probably pretty confused. He was probably very hurt, chose to stay with you, and is now perhaps acting out a bit in general as a passive-aggressive thing. By socialising like he is, he's showing you that you don't really have him by the kahunas, even though he privately thinks that maybe you do. To stick by someone when they've cheated 3 times, I imagine particularly as a guy, must feel a little belittling, or emasculating on some level. Even though he loves you he doesn't have to love the way you treated him. So this sounds messy. Either he can get this out of his system, or he can't and it will break you guys up. Does he feel ugly and you're pretty, in a 'she's too good for me' sense? If you guys are both also buying into that as well his ego must be pretty fragile right now. Could have that all wrong of course. What do you think is happening here? -
What do I do about his subtle hints?
caro33 replied to filmraven's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
I realise this is a really big deal for you, and you can't help trying to work out what's going on, but my advice is STOP. You will know what he wants you to know. He might even pop the question soon, too hard to tell. Some guys will say these things to keep the other person 'warm' and have them understand it WILL happen one day. Some guys say this stuff to throw the other person off the REAL track, while they do something quite different. I wouldn't say anything else, I bet he knows exactly how you feel. If you are happy to leave this to him, and I'd suggest you do for now, then he will do whatever he's gonna do. Pick a date for yourself to be sure that if he hasn't asked by then you will need to get a straight answer. Maybe a couple of months from now? And then relax and enjoy what sounds like a lovely relationship. -
What is his emotions leading to?
caro33 replied to naughtycowgirl's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
Yes, but the point still stands, what does this have to do with your question? Back to what I think is your question, given he is calling all the time and says he will marry you one day, it doesn't sound like he wants to end this. From what you said, it genuinely sounds like he's taking responsibility for the fights and the difficulties you have been having as a couple, and he's trying to work out how to fix 'his' problem. How much of all the recent stuff do you think he was responsible for? Are you really head over heels for him? -
Agree, please go through this exercise if you have the chance. It's really important in these situations to not lose sight of what Objective You would want. If your best friend shared this story with you, what would you advise her?
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Hey blackpanther, I don't know that I have much of value to add here but that I think that you are right, that maybe it's not worth it. What you have here is probably just a young man who isn't really sure what he wants in detail, but what he wants in general is to enjoy himself, and to not be tied down or have anyone getting 'heavy' with him. He is being selfish, but it's a kind of normal, understandable type of selfish that people go through when they are in this stage of life. He's probably not in the same headspace as you, and that's about it. He probably wants to keep you compartmentalised so that 'relationship' him doesn't bleed too much into single life living 'University student' him, and he gets to keep his options open. I expect that the minute this relationship looks like hard work, or more work than he can be bothered with, he will bail. Way I see it, your challenge is to either: (a) Stay with him but stop caring if he cheats, and thereforeeee not give him a hard time. Don't ask, don't tell stuff. This will perhaps prolong the life of this relationship but I doubt it will make you happy. or (b) End this, and stop caring if he's with someone else, because he's not your concern anymore. Spend some time enjoying what you like to do for you, and then meet someone who's more in line with where you are, and who is going to prioritise you the way you want to be prioritised. Sorry, but I had several of these types of relationship when I was younger, and actually also had one just a couple of years ago with a guy who prioritised going out drinking with his buddies over me. My friends have had these relationships. They tend to fall over because there is an imbalance of power, and you care much more than the other person. To you this relationship is terribly important and you will move Heaven and earth to make it happen, but the other person is only in there for reasonably no strings good times, no matter what they say when you are alone. Look to his behaviour, not what he says.
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That's hilarious, I can't stop laughing
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Well stop looking here and get on to it! No, seriously, good luck and I hope it goes well for you.
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Your views on 'body photography' are fair enough and are not really old school at all. We all have different views on this stuff based on all kinds of rationales. So whatever you think about it, it's valid, and you should express this to him if you think it's important enough, which it certainly sounds like it is. Just be gentle with him, because if there were no 'rules' laid down to start with he hasn't really broken any. It's either an issue that can't be resolved because you guys have different values, or it's an issue you can both learn from in the sense of understanding what the other wants and values, and being considerate of that.
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Well I can see how this looks from your perspective, and I would probably react too, but I can also imagine his perspective here. To him it was probably just a table he could connect his computer from, as someone has already suggested. He did what many, many normal men and women do, and he 'scratched his itch'. It's probably that simple, that is all. The table has no meaning for him, I'm sure he did not think one way or the other that the common living area was all the more out of bounds - none of the space in that house is actually his, so perhaps it all feels the same. I assume as Beec said, that the result of his activity would probably not have gone near the table itself, and if you have him in your house he's probably not a grot. Now you find this unseemly, fair enough. You relate to eating off that table, and specifically to your family being gathered around it. It has some symbolic value to you. You really should explain this. It will be awkward but no more so than you catching the poor guy in the first place, and him thinking you are against porn and masturbation full stop. There are heaps of women on this forum who would be tremendously upset that he was doing this in the first place, and he may have you confused with one of them. If I was you I would wait until we were ready to go to sleep (not generally a good time for a big deep conversation but this doesn't need to be like that, it's just an admin issue to tie up). It's dark, it's mellow. I would say something like 'honey, that day I walked in on you, when you were using the computer...You seemed really uncomfortable and I'm sorry that happened... I have been a bit unsure how to bring this up. The fact is, that I don't have a problem with what you were doing, but WHERE. It's important to me that you recognise this is my family home, and I am letting you know that I don't want you doing that anywhere but the bathroom or my bedroom. Sorry if there's been misunderstanding, but is it clear now?' Something like that.
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Agree completely. Snooping is not fun, it's not admirable, but in the face of potential serious betrayal and living with lies, it is the lesser of the two evils.
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Hi Miss Dashwood, for what it's worth, here is my take on things: (1.) It is completely normal to keep one's maiden name. (2.) His behaviour toward you needs to be kept in the context also of your behaviour toward him. Is it at all possible you have given off vibes at one point that may have made him uncomfortable? Maybe that's why he's different, not because of her. Possibly he is even less comfortable now he's married and he wants to keep his relationship with you (in whatever form it was) separate from his 'new life'. (3.) I know you are frustrated with the fact that you aren't getting the views you wanted, on this and on the other thread. I'm sorry, I am also a thirty-something woman, and as can perhaps be expected, given my membership of this group, I agree with everything that has been said above . Sweetheart you may not like it, but the points made here are valid. The fact is that the message that comes screaming out to all of us from your posts are that YOU are the one with a serious problem. In 'normal' friendships, which is what you purport to have here, this stuff does not happen. It just doesn't. Wondering about other people's lives is one thing, but coming here to post detailed queries about what it might mean about someone else's marriage indicates a whole new level of obsession. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it would behoove you to think about what people have been saying on your threads.
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Is it me or am I justified in feeling so ``~`
caro33 replied to enoughalready's topic in Trust and Relationships
YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. You are worth much more than this. The 'facts' of the case are not ambiguous, this guy is not for you. I agree 100% with Juliana and think she has put it much better than I could. Don't be embarrassed about this, no need to beat yourself up. It's the kind of situation people find themselves in all the time, it kind of builds up without you seeing it sometimes. It shows that you have a loving and trusting personality, but that you have been exploited. You can now see you are being exploited, and you need to take appropriate steps to protect yourself and your children from further exploitation. I wish you all the best, and come here any time for support, we're here. There is definitely a good life after this guy, the sooner he's gone the sooner you get to enjoy it. -
Comparisons with the ex are really poor form and can sometimes indicate the person isn't over that ex. However from what you've said this just sounds like she's not aware of what poor form it is, not that she's necesasarily carrying a torch. Whether it's right or wrong, she has built a model of 'best practice' in her head about what should happen in relationships, and some elements of that are based on what Andrew used to do. It's probably not about him at all, but that she remembers how nice that thing he did felt for her, and she wishes you would do the same. If we are honest, surely this happens to all of us, on the odd occasion we think either consciously or inadvertedly, 'hey this [whatever] has felt better for me in the past' but a mature and considerate person just rationalises around that as 'but really, that other person was awful in such and such a way, and my current squeeze is 1000 times better at X and Y and they are the one I love now'. You don't share it. Or if you need to say anything at all you say 'I like it when you do X and Y, but I would love it if you did more of A and B as well'. I would be upset too, she's being inconsiderate and she's also perhaps trying to emotionally blackmail you, as someone has already pointed out. But if this hasn't happened recently, or for a while, try to move on. I can certainly see why you'd feel a bit threatened, but I don't think her moments of 'but andrew...' necessarily mean anything more than poor choice of words.
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Hear hear, I completely agree. No one out there truly cares about other people's internal conflicts when promises are made, they just note that they were let down and that the person talking about their perfectionism can't be relied upon. Family and friends will cut you some slack, but even that comes to an end. I think that being compelled to creating the best possible outcome means looking at more than the document to hand in itself, but also working to ensure you don't let down the people you committed to. So when I was a perfectionist student I freaked out, got paralysed, then still went feral at the library weeks ahead to make sure I knew EVERYTHING about the topic, then I handed my essay in days ahead. I proof read it many times to make sure there were no embarrassing typos. Very very nerdy but there you go. I found that the only thing that helped me get past my need to know it all and never start was plotting out the basic skeleton of the document and then populating it from there. Stopping collecting when I realised there was no time to draft what I had - keeping a timeline. Collecting endless information and not doing anything with it becomes in itself a terrifying prospect because then you have 1000 pages of 'stuff' and no way to organise it. So it does sound more like your organisational skills might need some fine tuning, for all the reasons you gave in your post. I think your best solution with the professor is to admit to some paralysis on how to move forward, and that you have struggled to get past that. That you are really interested in the topic at hand, inspired by the sheer amount of information. You are working on your skills to manage the organisation issue for the future, and would appreciate he/she cut you some slack for now. You should maybe offer to hand in a skeleton view of your piece so he/she knows you're serious, but also to help you commit to planning out what you are going to provide.
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I think it depends on what else is going on, and how well you guys relate the rest of the time. It depends on what he does when he has this alone time, how long it lasts, and what you guys generally do when you 'hang out'. I know that sounds wishywashy but you could be being told a number of things here. First off, I'm with melrich re introverts recharging on their own. I am very much like this; I sometime find having anyone near me is exhausting, I have expended all I have already and I need some alone time. In the initial stage of my relationship I often came up with excuses not to see my guy because I just didn't feel 'on' and able to present my best side, and it felt all too important at that stage of the relationship that I be able to have an enjoyable 'date' and not just shut down and look grumpy. As time passed and we got to know each other better, we spent more and more time together. I also became more comfortable with that, and craved less alone time. He also was able to sit quietly with me and play his XBox, read etc, so that I got to quietly recharge without having to engage all the time. I agree that needing alone time in the sense of 'I don't want to see you today' doesn't bode well if you were looking for a stronger commitment anytime soon. After a while in a relationship, you should be able to have quiet time without it feeling draining. How long have you been together? I come back to your original statement re how hanging out is calm and you don't bug him. Are you absolutely sure that your definition and his definition of chilled are the same? Maybe he just feels stressed having you there because he feels your expectations, or his perception of your expectations, weighing on him. Or because you have given him allocated 'alone time' and it's too regimented, like 'hey, you chilled out yet, can we do something?' Maybe he feels guilty that he's doing his thing and you are bored. Could be anything, if you feel comfortable, why don't you ask him what being alone means to him, what he does? Completely non-accusatory, just interested to get to know him better...
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That is good news. Not long to go now, at least there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Each day that passes will make this easier to bear, and Hawaii sounds like a wonderful place to get some space and perspective. There are no easy words here, I'm sure the speed of this whole ridiculous situation must be really surreal, and the constant updates on his silly deluded plans for the future would be heartbreaking. I believe, truly, that not long from now you will find the situation completely changed. I think that in a few months or so, you will find that you have cried a lot, but much of the grief has passed, and you will see him in a more benign light. I think that reality will come crashing down around his ears, and that he will start to find that perhaps he does not have all that much in common with her after all, and that her life goals and his aren't so compatible. I think he will get sick of her desire to be a 19 year old girl with her friends and social life, and he'll be hankering for what he knew with you. I think he will come back with his tail between his legs, but maybe try a little back and forth with her. You will feel sorry for him, and most probably will not want him back. There will be a rebalancing of the power here, and the stories you hear from others will be more along the lines of how dumb the whole thing with them was to begin with. That doesn't make anything easier, I know, and the grieving for what was lost must still be done, but if you are feeling alone, and ripped off, try and take heart that the universe will right itself for you soon enough.
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Kitty, as usual, well said, and I agree with a large amount of your post. However, I need to try and be more optimistic though re the older guys ALWAYS wanting younger women. This is particularly as I am getting older and find this concept a bit hard to take. Yes the eye is always drawn to beauty, but I suspect those who are genuinely susceptible to beauty will see it in a range of 'types', not only the young ones. I look at my partner and see a man who doesn't ever check out young women specifically except when we both laugh and roll our eyes at some of the shreds of Solid Gold dancer fairy costume that passes for fashion. When he sees a person he looks at their exterior, as do we all, but forms his view about what's genuinely attractive to him by looking at the whole package. He does not find young girls particularly interesting, and most share no life experience with him, so he's not into them. Perhaps your dodgy deli guy liked you not only because you were young but also because you were smart - you have already set yourself apart from many other 18 year olds I suspect. Not that him cheating etc is okay, but I think this whole situation is more complex perhaps. Also, we don't notice the men who don't check women out, do we? The ones who let teenagers be, and don't sleaze onto the 18 year olds? I hope we are not tarring all men with the same brush here. And let's be honest, women do this too, what about those oddly socially sanctioned 'but we're in love' tourneau type teacher-student cases that don't really concern people if it's a woman? In a similar situation, a man would be demonised as an abuser. Perhaps it's because women aren't already viewed as a threat to youngsters, and men, as a default, are? It's a bit sad when we look suspiciously at a man alone with a female child/teenager, and there is some evidence to suggest that we, as a society, are starting to do that. In my view, this stuff comes down to ego and selfishness more than it relates necessarily to gender. If someone is susceptible to flattery, if they are worried about getting older and the flatterer is an attractive younger person, they're fair game. All the more so if perhaps they don't have the coping skills to withstand temptation. None of this makes it any easier for people such as the OP, or those of us who are in these types of relationships. But once you have picked yourself up off the ground and regained balance, it IS possible to find someone who is not so easily led, and happily grow old together.
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I'm so sorry, this sounds absolutely awful. It sounds like such an obvious mid-life crisis he is having, it sounds like he has been seduced by some vision of the younger, more attractive him that perhaps he thought he had lost, or maybe never was. What a disappointment this must be for you. Are you able to take yourself away for a while? Anywhere, to get some space to process what's been happening without always being given 'new material'? It sounds like you are just not copping a break here to get some head space. My thoughts are with you. It's awful right now, but you will get through this.
