caro33

I know this question was directed to Annie but I hope you will indulge me in my response. The contact with the ex issue seems to depend on the individuals involved. Because I also had issues with this I trawled the internet far and wide for views, as well as reading every thread on the matter here at ENA. Some people say no contact ever, others say they are best mates with their exes while in current relationships and everyone is fine with that. Most admit to some passing discomfort when it comes down to it, but it’s also highly dependent on the following: *What the relationship was like with the ex. How long it was, how long ago, how it ended. Past flings often feel ‘safer’ to new partners because there has been less intimacy. The longer ago the better. It’s not good when your SO was the one dumped as they are perhaps more likely to hold a torch for the ex than one that was the dumper. * How frequent the contact is. Obviously less frequent is better. Some people have SOs who are best friends with their exes, which can be too close for comfort. But even this can be okay for some people if, like above, the actual relationship shared was ages ago and wasn’t too serious. On the other hand, 'serious' is sometimes fine as long as it's serious in a brother/sister way and not too highly sexed. * How your SO deals with you (the current) about the ex. Honesty is the best policy for contact, obviously. The person who doesn’t admit to calling the ex is setting themselves up for some mistrust. The person who doesn’t tell the ex they’re seeing someone is also causing problems for themselves. Best case scenario might be your SO being honest with you and saying ‘so and so called the other day, but we didn’t chat for long’ and that’s it. Too much information from your SO about the ex can also be really disarming. You don’t need to know everything they thought about your partner, and you don’t need your information shared with them. You don't need to hear how hot they are either. So it comes down to how these balance out and your gut feel. Too much contact can be annual if there’s a lot of baggage attached to what happened with the ex. Monthly might be fine if it’s banal and no one person is making too many calls. If you hate any concept of your SO having an ex that’s fine also, heaps of people feel that way. The matter is then to make sure you’re with someone who feels the same way, or at least come to some arrangement, as I had to with my guy. Thing is, hope, it’s hard to control for how you ‘should’ feel and prepare ahead of time. You’ll feel what you feel when it happens. Have some faith in your own gut feeling here, because there really is no ‘right’ answer. Your comfort levels are perfectly legitimate and if your guy is a good match he’s understand what you are and are not comfortable with, and hopefully he’ll share your feelings.

Hey kitty, yes I think that this could work as long as you are giving yourself true space and time to consider your options. You are wise and I believe that you will come to the right decision, whatever that is. To harp on a bit, the key for me is to always try and imagine yourself in that other place, without him in your life, and see it for what it is. It's just another place. It's not terrible or lonely, or an endless period of being unloved. It could be great. Like I said earlier, if I could guarantee you happiness with some perfect man who 'completes you' and all that romantic guff, who may be a stranger now but who would be 'home' in the not too distant future, how does that change your perception of mr kitty? There is no need to hurtle down the path of marriage and babies just yet if you are having doubts about your future. You are young, you have years, and certainly months, to decide what you want. If he's right for you he'll give you some time to sort stuff out, and 'wait and see'. Thanks for your generosity in your responses to my comments. Hey, I am always here if you ever want to talk, and if it does get difficult to post or PM through ENA on these issues let me know and I can provide my email address.

Thanks syrix. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I have been doing most of what you suggest, and that's why I am so surprised and frustrated that not only am I not losing, I am gaining. The numbers were basically around me trying to sort out what my basic calorific intake should be to remain the same weight, and then to work out the right calories higher to gain and calories lower to lose. I can't seem to work out what these numbers are as my experience clashes with everything I have read in books and on the internet. While I am operating with dodgy numbers I am not getting anywhere. I also only resorted to numbers because the common sense stuff you mention wasn't working any more.

But applepie that sucks! I can't believe that our bodies could be so sensitive - mine never used to be. I think that the best I can try, and best I would advise, is to kickstart your metabolism with frequent small meals and varied exercise. I guess I have not given mine enough of a hard time to start burning more. kittysm, yes maybe I need to shock my body with more intense exercise or different sorts. I am definitely overweight BTW, by at least 8 lbs. I feel it, and I am down to the last 'fat suit' I have for work, *sigh*. Even my jeans are a no go zone now.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. What I meant was that if someone's going to text someone for NYE, regardless of being an ex, I don't think they think 'oh no I won't interrupt the other person's NYE at midnight because they will want to cuddle their partner'. It's either a drunken 'yay! I will reach out to everyone I ever cared about! Happy New Year's!' or it's not much. I actually would think that a sober text the next day shows more thought about the other person, as in they want to leave more of an impression. Which would be a bigger concern for you I would think. So you can look at it different ways. I can't comment on the other contact he's had. You know what feels right and what doesn't. If you doubt him you need to manage that, whether it's talking it through or watching closely, or in the worst case, moving on. The other calls take your post out of the realm of the first issue, which I understood to be is it okay to receive/respond to a text from an ex on new year's eve.

I don't think anyone thinks like this to be honest hope. The whole point of many people's NYEs is 'HEY! HAPPY NEW YEAR!'. Actually at the time the clock ticks over. It's the way that tends to work for most.

I agree with this. Him responding politely to an unsolicited text is not wrong and it shouldn't be a problem. Uncomfortable things have a way of happening, it comes with the territory of getting older and the people we see having pasts. If your guy is not asking for the contact, if she's not contacting very much at all, if it's all polite and not too deep, you probably just need to try and forget about it. (You could even try and see it as good that he has an ex who still has any regard for him, it shows that he's not all bad with his treatment of his girlfriends!) By the way I have friends, including exes who send me texts on New Year's and it's obvious I am one of many on a text list. Not personal, just 'hey I remember you, hope you're doing okay'. Not a big deal in any way.

As another point though, this culture you're in, the one that supports men having multiple women - does it also support women having multiple men? I wonder how open minded and non-ego driven the men would actually be to know that you're with both of them. This might challenge them a tad if they even remotely consider you their own spiritual sex partner/piece of fluff. If what we're actually talking about here is a male oriented, women-as-property culture as robowarrior has alluded to, then tread carefully in your admissions.

Yes I think "Western culture" is a tad more flexible as a concept than you are suggesting jiquan. It has its problems, for sure, but accross the different countries that have it (the "Western" ceases to mean much at that stage) there is also significant variation. Or there was, until we all got starbucks. What do you even define as Western culture? As a side note, the handful of people I knew in my past who did a Captain Kurtz and transcended the shackles of what they saw as socially approved behaviour, all ended up out-of-control, self-obsessed, self-hating depressed alcoholics. Actually they started off self-obsessed as well. Once the depression phase had passed they eventually embraced those self same standards they had rebelled against more than anyone around them. Became really happy buttoned down types. If you're going to pull the rebellion thing it's sometimes worth really being honest with yourself about what you are truly rebelling against. Anyway, it would seem that you are using the culture argument as a way of justifying something which perhaps you think at heart is wrong. Or maybe you think you'll get slammed for the sleeping with married men aspect and you're getting the first justification in. You can think what you like and do what you like really - the western culture statements seem a bit incongruous given your actual question about what to tell people you are intimate with. On your actual question, I agree that if there is sexual health at risk in any way - your's or someone else's - be honest.

Hi shikashika I'm not so worried about being bulky but am worried about weights hurting my neck. My neck (and my back to some degree) is a bit screwy and I get nerve pains when I lift even the light weights. I'm not sure why this is, I have not found chiros/physios etc able to help much. I have a strong back and shoulders from years of carting around heavy backpacks full of books, but maybe the pain was a side effect of that. Thanks for the suggestion though - is there a means of weight lifting you can suggest that might minimise impact on my neck/back? Also, do you have a view on what my required base calorie intake might be, or how I calculate it, or do you think this is perhaps beside the point of I address your other suggestions?

I'm not sure exact percentages. Probably 60% carb, 30% protein, 10% fat, but these are rubbery numbers! I eat 3 times a day, but also often eat twice in the day (between breakfast and dinner) but two smaller meals. I am a size...err I don't know about US sizing. I used to be an Australian size 8, then a 10, and now I think I'm very close to a 12. My wardrobe is really shrinking. Maybe I'm a US 6-7 now? Not sure. No I don't follow a weight lifting programme. I tend to focus on cardio, with 30-40 mins really hard on my bike, or 1-2 hours vigorous walk. This maybe 4-5 times a week. I tried to lift smallish weights (1-2kg) but kept getting neck pain so I stopped. (I am an exercise at home person because I am too cheap to go to a gym and I much prefer to be on my own.) When I was 14 lbs lighter I have to admit, I smoked (not many, 5 a day, but still bad), was really stressed and sad, and often skipped dinner. I then put on 3 lbs straight after meeting my now husband. But it's been creeping on ever since. I don't want to be as light as I was anymore, well at least I am not aiming for it. I am a curvy person by nature. But I'm not happy this heavy - aiming to lose 8lbs or so of fat.

Something weird going on with me trying to post this, I keep losing access as it times out… Anyway, I have inexplicably been gaining weight over the past few months. Nothing extreme, but a steady creep of kilos that seem impervious to all my old diet tricks and exercise programme. I am confused about how to calculate what my requirements are, because everything I've tried so far does not work. I need to start by saying that I have read all the diet literature (or scanned it at least) and basically don’t do deprivation or atkins type diets. I need my carbs, and I do eat them, but I do this in moderation. Leafy greens, wholegrains etc. Also protein. My issue is that I have searched the web to find my base resting rate (or whatever it’s called) for my calorific expenditure and everything I find is way too high. I am 5 foot 2, and now hit 132 lbs. Based on this info, and my age (almost 34) most websites say I need at least 1600/day calories to exist as a sedentary person, and may places said I should eat as much as 1800 - 2200 cals/day. But when I eat more than 1400/day I tend to put on weight. Before I was married in Oct 06 I worked out my requirements based on an assumption that I need 1450 cal/day, and then aimed for a net intake of 1100 – 1300 cals/day (after exercise taken out). I have tried to exercise most days for ~220 calories/day. And I lost one pound in three weeks. Now that just doesn’t make sense. I did not gain heaps of muscle, and I was saving well over the 3500cals/week required to lose a pound/week. Then I went on my honeymoon and prob ate 1700 cals/day. I put on 3 pounds that week. Now I’m getting into boring number confusion, so sorry. But I am irritated that I can’t work this out. Some fitness types would say that maybe I need to eat more to kickstart my metabolism but that seems risky. The weight just keeps rising. Can anyone shed any light? All I can think is: (a) Maybe when you hit 33/34 years your body changes heaps (b) Maybe it’s because I’m happy now and my body is preparing itself for the ‘next stage’ (ie childbirth). This has been suggested to me but I think it sounds a bit hippyish. Note I am not pregnant. © Maybe I need a freakishly low number of calories – but when I go below 1100/day I get tired and irritable, so what’s the ‘magic’ number? (d) I'm making some really dumb mistake! I'm sure this topic has been covered heaps of times, and I just read the carb diet thread, but I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread. If you have already posted good stuff elsewhere that might be relevant, please just add links...

I agree with melrich, so much comes down to how the indviduals process things and how they choose to express themselves. I have found that my habit of saying 'well the problem can be brought under one concept, and here are the six instances that upset me' clashes completely with how my husband thinks about things and is able to process. What was a clear link between six events, each of what I think is a symptom of the real problem, was non existent for him. He heard six discrete events and was overwhelmed by trying to address each one at once. Particularly as it's my style to bottle it up, assume I am the one with the problem, then wake up two days later sure it's him who also needs an attitude adjustment. My processing time confuses him completely - he just sees someone who is happy and fine, then blows up inexplicably days later and tearily unloads issues on him at the worst possible time. So our strategy now goes along the lines of: ME: - not to bottle up, raise each issue independently, be clear what I would like to see changed - pick my time to raise each issue for when he is likely to have the capacity to manage it, and check it's okay with him before I unload HIM: - take more care to empathise when I raise issues, so I only need to say it once (hopefully) - be unafraid to raise any concerns with me This looks kind of one-sided I know, but I guess I am the over-analytical worrier and he is Mr Happy Go Lucky, so I tend to be the one who raises problems. At least this is what's happened so far!

Yes, I know this is true, and in theory I agree with your perspective. Well said. Different people will have different perspectives on the respectfulness (a word?) of porn etc but I don't have a problem with it in principle. And obviously there's a spectrum there as well... But knowing this intellectually doesn't help feelings. I struggle with this with my own husband - I know he adores me and I know he is trustworthy, more so than anyone I've ever met. Even so, I have pangs of jealousy when he spends what I see as 'too long' watching bikini women on TV etc and I still punish myself for not looking like his hot ex *sigh*. I try to manage it, but it sometimes builds into a big emotional mess of angry feminism, frustration at myself for taking it too seriously and looking intense, and self-hatred for not being like the women he looks at. There's always a backstory too - baggage that comes up about the guy who dropped you for not being young/thin/something enough. I'm not saying this is admirable but I think that for many women it is normal, in varying degrees and with various species of issue. But I agree, if we can treat each other with respect and with compassion for some all too normal human frailties, this stuff shouldn't be too big a deal. We have to give each other space and trust each is in the relationship wholeheartedly. Etc. Enough of my rave - and to think it was only this morning I was feeling sorry for the OP who continued to be lectured about issues she said she'd solved pages ago. Yet here I am. Sorry!

It is really complex, and even as a woman who has thought about this a lot, I can't really explain it. Yes it's insecurity, but it's often an understandable insecurity that women have because of messages we are bombarded with about how we're never 'enough', we're never good enough. Not from men necessarily, but from the culture, from other women, etc - the messages then are what we tell ourselves. And it's a very thin line between what's okay and reasonable and what's seen as disrespectful, it's down to the individual it seems, and based on a whole lot of stuff which often includes but is not limited to insecurity. There is a history, and in some cases a current practice, of women being undervalued, of being seen as only as good as their men, or their looks. Women are also just raised differently, at least that is my experience. Even in my house where my parents raised me as a person, not a girl, I couldn't avoid the rest of the world that told me I was only as good as how I looked and what the boys thought. That sounds extreme but it was truly my experience. I know with me that I have a hair trigger that even I can't predict between what I see as acceptable looking at naked/sexualised women while I'm there to what is pervy and makes me feel bad. Poor husband just doesn't have a chance sometimes. It's also hard for many of us women to put ourselves in the guy's shoes - we are not wired the same way, as you know. I do try, and sometimes I am successful. Sometimes I think 'oh so THAT'S what he's thinking, phew', but if I am feeling insecure about myself that insight can be fleeting. It's more natural for me then to assume he's checking out other women and thinking 'hmm, my one just doesn't come up to scratch'. Not a good feeling, but in my case I recognise it's self-inflicted. Not that I am arguing with you at all, I understand your frustration. But this is such a thorny issue, it raises so many things that I just think the sexes are not too compatible on. I have barely touched on the feminist issues here but they are also real.

I'm not sure I understand how becoming more religious can kill off her own sex drive. And it's not like stopping can unring that particular bell... Anyway, sex is an important part of a relationship for many people. It seems the rules have changed in your relationship and it seems to me to be completely fair for you to evaluate if the new version is what you want. I'm sorry I have no suggestions beside the obviously unhelpful 'deal with it or leave'. If she's certain about this new direction I'm not sure you have any other options to be frank. Could this be a phase she's going though, or do you think it's permanent?

I think you were right re your friend talking bollocks, and completely agree with the others here (and LOL about 'ladder people', although who's to say they're moving up? ) I have known average looking guys and girls who do this - there is ALWAYS an overlap. For some it must be an insecurity thing, they are afraid of being alone. For others I think it's a boredom/ego thing - they get bored with the current, then someone else comes along and schmoozes them and they find that more appealing. I think ladder people are either very lucky (to have so many to choose from) or indiscriminate. I'm not sure they are worth bothering with though, if you come accross one, unless you too are just out for the next 'rung' (i'm sure that could sound dirty if you say it right). This seems a shallow relationship approach to take, not to mention thoughtless and wrong if there is a genuine cheating overlap. Take heart vermillion, it's certainly possible to avoid guys who do this.

I agree with the other posters' statements but also will put a spanner in the works - it's my experience that you never hit an age when you feel 'old enough' or unambiguously 'ready' for a major life change. Relationships, with all their highs and lows and rocky emotional terrain do not necessarily get easier to work out. But yes, you do get to know yourself better with age, absolutely. You get the confidence to back yourself more than you might have had 10 years earlier. I wasn't sure about marriage/babies this year, at age 33, and I have the perfect guy. It's a huge step. No wonder you're feeling pressured at 22. So I guess they are the two threads of the issue worth separating: 1) Do exactly what feels right, do not second guess yourself. If you want to pursue your education you must do so. A man who loves you and supports you (and who you should marry no less) will not undermine these needs of yours. You have years yet to have children if you want to. 2) Try not to set too high expectations for yourself. I think our moods always change if we stop to look at them. You can be besotted with someone one day, grumpy with them the next, indifferent to them for a while while you watch your favourite TV programme, etc. I'm not talking violent mood swings but just the usual ebb and flow of things. I think that if you average out how you feel and it's good, if you miss the other person if you've not seen them for a day, if you look forward to seeing them, you probably 'love' them. Ah, 'the rest of your life'. Seriously, is there a concept more difficult to get your head around? I got married a couple of months ago, and made commitments for the rest of my life. Even when you are 33, have your career down, know the guy is perfect and he's all you could want in a partner, this concept is slippery and can be terrifying.

You could send flowers? Something like that, to say 'I'm thinking of you'. Could be too much, I don't know. Have faith Psylocke, if you haven't picked up on any actual conflict there probably isn't any. You don't sound irrational by the way.

Is this not like your friend at all? I mean, does he/she ever get a bit distant, paranoid, anything that might shed light onto what's happening? I would say that three weeks' silence would be definitely uncommon for me and my closest friends, but it isn't unheard of, and when it's happened there's no hard feelings or hidden issues at all. Is that possible do you think? To answer your question, I think all of the options you stated are correct, but option 3 is more about the person turning on you than you not being able to work it out. I would be surprised if someone you rely on and have been close to for 7 years could just 'turn' for no reason. I have had two friendships end recently, and both were with very high maintenance friends. One (7 years) ended when I got engaged - she had had her marriage end a year and a bit before and it seems she couldn't deal with me getting married. I had been there for her the whole time, rarely talked about my relationship, had done the right thing, but she cut me off. It hurt my feelings but on some level I was relieved because I was no longer able to do anything for her and she'd become so bitter and anti-men. The other one ended when she lost it at me and almost physically assaulted me. I had also been talking to her about her relationship ending for the previous 6 months and I said something that day that she misunderstood. She went mad at me when I tried to apologise/explain. While she apologised later, it just wasn't the same for me, and I have shut down my side of the friendship. The take take thing was really getting to me anyway. Thing is, with both these people I knew they had this in them. Neither had ever been particularly supportive of me, both had their heads in a negative and self-obsessed space (and I mean ever since I knew them, not just b/c recent hard times). If one of my other closest friends 'turned' on me I would be completely gobsmacked - it just wouldn't happen unless there had been some TERRIFIC misunderstanding. However, the fact is that people change, annd they come and go from your life. If you believe your friend is rational, understands you, isn't motivated by selfishness or paranoia, then have faith and just be honest. You could have read this all wrong, why not find out? Have you been demanding of the friendship recently?

There are years of wonderful and unpredictable opportunities in your future, 20 is still so young. Not that that makes the pain and loneliness you are experiencing now any better, I get that. But try and have some hope. There are countless guys out there, you just haven't met them yet. I have spent so many days and weekends, weeks completely alone, in that limbo between extreme loneliness and not wanting to talk to anyone because I have nothing to say. I know it sounds contrary, but enjoy them while you can. They will come to an end whether you like it or not. This is your time to get to know yourself before your next life stage maybe. It's so hard to try and repond to these sorts of posts without sounding supercilious and smug. I don't think I succeeded!

I think my maybe-gay ex was a good actor, I think he pretended he enjoyed sex with women as a way of fitting in. He used to ogle women really obviously, like neck craning, conversation stalling stuff. We'd go see movies and a hot woman would be on the screen and he would lean forward and audibly go 'corrr, yeaahh, mmmmm' and look at me to see if I saw his lascivious manly nature. Yawn. It was not at all insulting as I didn't believe it -he protested too much! I think it was a well practised act which he thought got him under the radar. Or gay-dar. I have to say that if your ex couldn't even muster up a faked interest most of the time, who knows. ACTUALLY I have read about people with no sex drive whatsoever, as in they have no sexual orientation, no interest. Who knows, maybe your ex is neither truly gay, bi OR straight. He could just enjoy gay culture/friends and be trying to get away with the bare minimum to look like he enjoys sex with SOMEONE. Have a look at this - link removed A UK survey of sexuality included a question on sexual attraction, and 1% of respondents replied that they had "never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all."

Actually the more I think about it the more confused I am. Maybe there are just people who sit mid-range in the spectrum, they do not fit our pre-destined views of how they should be if they say they're of a certain orientation. Or maybe it really is the simplest answer is the right one. The gay friend of ours didn't come out until his late 30s. Maybe it's just too hard to call? I am also interested in what people who have dealt with this think.

Well I'm not gay and not a man so take or leave my input, but it does sound like he might be gay. I had a boyfriend early last year who seemed gay in every way, except he had sex with women. He had full body waxing, he wore lots of tight shimmery clothing, he loved the Scissor Sisters and...well there was a lot. I think that he was gay, and certainly everyone I knew thought he was. He just hadn't admitted it to himself yet. He was 32. Now I would have thought he'd come out in the environments he was in, he ran nightclubs accross the world and had worked as a dancer also. But no. He had had a rather tough upbringing, in a tough part of the world, so perhaps that had had influence. (Thing is, my example could also show that someone can look as though they're gay but they're not. I don't know what the end of the story is for that guy. But the simplest answer, hey?) The email from your ex sounds like he's gay. Oh, and a gay friend of ours loves boobs. He told my husband that all gay men love boobs, which I know is a gross generalisation but the point is still there.