caro33

Well first up I have no idea what's going on, so can only state the obvious, which is, yes this sounds a bit difficult, and not what you want to happen. I guess my view on what might be happening from what you've said is one of the below: a) She's having serious internal debates about what she wants and it's not 100% clear to her yet. b) She's distracted for some other reason, and maybe she's taking you for granted a little (like not talking to you with her friends there). c) Something else I can't even guess at. The first explanation seems supported by the fact that she has said to you she isn't sure (which I believe the praying on 'are we meant to be together' means). Not good to hear if you feel like you'd been on the same page until then, but it's still something you need to manage. Given that it's the reality, I guess the issue for you is what do you want to do now? Do you wait until she's sure, or walk away? It sounds you might rather have her be sure than lose her, which is absolutely fair enough. So then the thing is: how do you help her to see that you are, indeed, the one for her? I really don't mean to sound judgemental but you do sound like you have reacted to her qualms defensively, which may be justified from your perspective, but I can guarantee if she had qualms before you have only reinforced them. You need to take a step back and watch and listen very closely to what she's telling you she needs to see/hear. If the messages you receive are manageable for you, then do it. If I was you I would take her aside and have a nice dinner or something and ask her then, in a quiet moment, what she thinks she needs. Something like: "Honey when you stated some reticence to get married, I admit I was shocked, and may have reacted a little defensively. It's just that I was hurt and taken by surprise. I'm sorry. I have thought about it since then and agree that if you have any doubts we need to address them now, because neither of us wants to be taking that next steps and have qualms. We have the rest of our lives to do this. Now I think it's important that I understand what your thought processes have been, and that I am able to both support and assist you in how we move forward. Can you share what you've been thinking with me?" The point of the above will be to give her the space to see that you are not pressuring her, and that you are not criticising her. It will hopefully give her the chance to be honest with you, whether she says something you want to hear or not. At least if she says something you don't want to hear now, it's better than being led on any more. Alternatively, this conversation might bring you closer together. I know that when I had cold feet at the engagement stage if my fiance had said something like this to me it would have been easier. As it was, I started the conversation along these lines but he then gave me all the space etc I needed, which in turn gave me the freedom to say 'yes' a lot sooner than I would have if he had continued to apply pressure.

Well based on this I will perhaps reconsider the mixed messages issue, at least from your side. If you have made it clear you wanted to see how things would go as you describe here, I can certainly see how you're doubting his commitment to starting something with you. Think Batya put it best already. (thanks for reformatting your post, easier to digest now - hope it gets some more responses for you)

Arrgh, how frustrating. I'm not sure how easy it is to train difficult family members but worth a try. I know my mother has enjoyed going on about my weight all my life - she likes to compare us and when I am lighter than her I get all these jealous questions about what I weigh and when I am heavier I get lots of smug 'don't put on any MORE weight, I'm your mother, I can tell you' rubbish. And I'm mid-30s - these things can last a lifetime. All I can advise is to try and see these comments for what they might be, and that's just jealousy and selfishness. Some people are genuinely jealous of youth. It may not be personal, and it might also be something that they just cannot understand is affecting you so badly. I have started to see the comments I receive for what they are - reflections of my mother's issues - rather than for what they always felt like, which was a deep and personal criticism of me. It is hard to stay distant for sure, but it's worth trying to do that as much as possible. You look lovely, try and do whatever you can to keep positive about yourself. I know it's easy to get into a self-hate cycle but as others said, it's really important not to let this escalate into a dangerous relationship with food. Keep your distance from Nana if that's what you need in the short term. She might even get the message.

I can't agree strongly enough to drink lots of water and go for the cranberry juice. I am one of those unfortunate people who gets them from intercourse (and strangely only when I have not had it for a while) and it gets very bad very quickly. Excruciating pain, needing to pee constantly, and when I do I feel like I am being turned inside out. Lots of blood. I have to go on very strong antibiotics straight away and they work within hours. Some women seem to get UTIs and can self medicate and manage. Others, like me, need direct medical help straight away. I even carry a spare antibiotic pill with me just in case it hits again. Urinating after sex is a must. I think that that is what has stopped further UTIs developing for me since the last one.

Completely agree.

My husband is exactly the same lilady. Always mellow and always in love and always giving. I am the one who questions things, who sees problems sometimes. I have also struggled with this, a great deal. To start with I was certain he was just infatuated, or in love with being in love, but it's been 18 months or so since we met and he's been the same way every day. Now I know 18 months isn't long but I have a fair degree of faith these days that we'll make it. I certainly made it hard for him to stay consistent a few times. I think he is just stable and happy and not insecure or hyper-analytical like I am. Welcome to ENA, and thank god for these great blokes hey.

Agree, something is definitely up, but the only one who knows what this is is him. Do you ask him about his friends?

I agree with Batya re watch the behaviour and don't get caught up in what he says, but I also agree with DN and think this sounds like a lot of mixed messages. What actually do you want out of this? BTW you have been describing someone who wants to be with you and who even has your brother's approval, not someone who's playing games with you. Do you think he sees the way clear with you to make those phonecalls you want? Maybe he's not clear about your status together. Just a suggestion, could you maybe break your story (the big chunk in particular) into paragraphs so we can better read it. When it's like this it's hard to follow what you are saying and picking out the main points is a challenge. I'm not meaning to nitpick but this might get you more responses.

True, but I guess we also need to keep in mind that "academics" covers an enormous population accross many types of institutions, and covers probably every topic there is. So we're talking rocket ships, curing cancer, studying algae, decoding ancient languages, tree science, film reviews, mathematical proofs, gender issues commentary, economic equations, historical studies etc etc. The list is endless. And just like in the outside world, some of these topics are more relevant than others and there are value judgements implicit in any discussion of these issues. Some are mere bludges to get money out of industry/government to pay for students to do something (anything!), some people are saving the world, others are merely navel gazing to avoid doing something meaningful in the big, scary reality. So while I am a believer in academic pursuits, I have judgements on what are more 'worthy' pursuits both within academia and in the non-academic world. For example, I would be much less comfortable if my child decided to devote the rest of her life to studying one poet than if she became a tradie and had her own business. Her choice, but my discomfort would be real and I would do all I could to get her to engage with the world.

For me, intelligence and some ambition at something constructive is most relevant. Except for one guy I was with, all men I have been with have had less edcuation than me. The one guy who didn't have less education had a PhD, but to be frank, he wasn't all that smart. I also have a PhD but I know a lot less than some of the guys I have been with. That's not to say they're smarter than me (but they may well have been) but I just haven't retained anything. I have also generally made more money than the guy I'm with. But that stuff also changes as each of your opportunities change. Obviously depends on your career choice, your industry and the economy. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't value learning and an education. However I have known people who think what they have is an education, and all they really have is an expensive sense of entitlement and a few facts learned by rote. There have been other PhDs/MBAs I have known who are such incredible w***kers who have no grip on reality, little insight and not even that great an intelligence. I would swap my highly intelligent, motivated, politically aware husband for them any day. He kicks my butt in all things knowledge related and he's far more in touch with the world than I am. So, it depends. A desire to be educated is a huge value for me and what I would expect from a partner, but I have a broader interpretation of how that value can be manifested. I can't comment on cultural factors.

Yes, absolutely agree.

And by the way, I think that your approach is admirable, I agree that spouses should be there for one another, and that they should prioritise each others' needs. But I'm adding that those needs of your spouse need to be added to your own, not replacing your own. And part of the current problem also seems to be that you are looking at what you believe should be his needs, not what he is stating as his needs. Perhaps you have a few things to work out - (a) What is your idea of the perfect partnership and what is his. I'm talking basic values here. Maybe once your emotions have calmed this is a conversation you can have - it's not about what you want and need right now, or failings of either of you, but a health check on what being married means for each of you. If he's open to it, there might even be a self-help book or some other external checklist that could help you have the conversation. Maybe you guys could go see a therapist or community leader. At the least, it seems there needs to be a clear identification of what you both ultimately need from this partnership, irrespective of current conditions or excuses for why it's not perfect right now, like the study. (b) Find what turns you on! Maybe it's another job, maybe it's a job and a hobby. Something that makes you feel more fulfilled on your own, something that helps you say 'I was happy today because...' and the reason has nothing to do with your husband. Perhaps just the social interaction at work is all you need. Like I said, I have spent time alone, both when I was studying and when I was unemployed for a little while last year. Now I am someone who loves being alone, but not that much. I remember what a big deal it was to spend time with others, how I'd look forward to plans made. I would be shattered when plans fell through, and I remember my friends recoiling slightly that I could come accross so nerdy and care so much. So be kind to yourself - it's easy to start to think the world revolves other people's plans when you aren't out making your own.

Oh lonely! You sound sad, I'm so sorry. Yes it IS okay for you to have needs for you and have them separate from him, in fact it's healthy, and to be expected. Rather than being selfish or bad, it is a good thing that will stand you in excellent stead for you as an individual as well as for the sanity of your relationship. I believe that one needs to be a whole and happy person as an individual to share/give the best of themselves to someone else. Now I am not advocating rampant selfishness but a basic sense of being true to who you are. I'm not sure this will be easy, but if you can turn off some of what I imagine you feel as fear (of being alone, being rejected by hubby) and try some thought exercises, it might help. Get out of the house, take a couple of days off. Walk around, think back to who you were in previous incarnations, like before you met your husband - what did you do when you were happy? If you are someone who has always defined themselves through relationships, what did you do when you were younger, a child? Did you enjoy some things over others? I mean, I know it sounds trite, but if you really think about it, you might be able to reignite an old love of something, like photography, writing, charity work... Imagine you are old, very old, deathbed stuff. You are gazing into the eyes of your equally ancient husband - what do you want said about you? Beyond 'she was an amazing wife'? I am embarrased by the lameness of my suggestions but I guess I am trying to tap into a vibe of hope here - there must be some way for you to unleash your imagination here and find a way to fulfil yourself for yourself. Put less pressure on your husband to be everything to you right now.

This is really disturbing and if it's your impression of your marriage you really need to be true to yourself here. Your need to cater to him and to the household sounds like it's damaging you. You say he doesn't want to negotiate, but we are talking some clear messages here: - This isn't good enough for me. - We are married, we are not f***buddies. - I need you [husband] to come to the party here. - What are you [husband] prepared to do to meet MY needs. Have you been this clear with him? Well, yes, if that's what he's saying. Let him either miss you, or maybe you will see this stuff doesn't matter to him at the moment. On this last issue, I guess the matter is to also discuss this with him. It may be that the student loan is fine, and necessary to get you guys through this patch and keep you sane. It does sound like your husband is saying 'I love you, and I know you love me, but I am feeling really pressured by your time needs'. He might be feeling so pressured that he jumps at the idea of taking out a loan if it means he buys some time to obsess about his study and you are happier. To be honest, this sounds like a huge value issue. Maybe it will blow over once he's completed his studies, but can you both take it until then? And what happens when he switches into a new career/hobby/study alternative and it all starts again? So maybe he's selfish, maybe he's not, maybe you're being a bit needy, maybe you're not - it's hard to tell. I can certainly empathise with you though. I just wonder if your message to him is clear enough, because it sounds like you are pursuing what might read to him as multiple agenda. You are saying 'I am unhappy' but you are also putting up with stuff like being stuck at home voluntarily, as well as cleaning up and cooking. And he's saying, 'but I don't want that' and you are hurt because you think he should want that. I can't see how you can make a clear path through this unless you are at least able to articulate what you want for YOU. I asked you this and you still answer in terms of what you want from him. You need a negotiating position that will not drive you mad, and placing all the value externally to yourself (as in, I will only be happy if the other person does X) just makes that more difficult. Have you discussed with him the prospect of you getting a new job and the financial implications?

I'm the same way. When able to follow my own cycle, my best work hours are from around 3pm to 2am. I got into this when I was writing my thesis from home a few years ago, and I was highly productive. However, I could barely string a sentence together the rest of the time. Back to real time now b/c demanding day job. Still perfectly functional during the day, it just takes more effort. When I have tough drafting to do, big ideas to manage I am not so hot in the morning. My suggestions are a bit banal, but for someone like me the key is eating properly and plenty of rest. If I have not rested properly or eaten well once I got up (and I need to eat straight away) I have a much lower chance of maintaining concentration or being in a good mood. I think you can train yourself to change your approach, and my distant recollection studying biorythmns at Uni seem to support that. So you can be functional as a day person, but you need to train yourself to be that way, and also perhaps face the fact you may never be a morning person.

Well I still stick to my advice above, but in the absense of you guys talking this through to get you anywhere, I also strongly advise you stop working from home. It's easy for your husband to criticise your time needs but he needs to walk a mile in your shoes. Working from home (as you know) is very isolating, so no wonder you are particularly looking for his company when he is not studying. Yes, give up the job, don't always be there preparing a meal for him. If it's not what you wanted for yourself and was just about you 'supporting' him and he's saying 'thanks, but I don't need that, I want you to be more independent' then listen to him. It comes down to what you want for you too though, what do you really want? I mean quite outside of your relationship: what would nourish and fulfil you. I think a buying a puppy for the reasons you state is asking for trouble. You need to get OUT of the house, not find some reason to have to be there. And no, a puppy will not replace your need for adult interaction, the idea is laughable. I spent years alone with my dog (incl studying from home for a while) and hey, he was great, but I was no less lonely.

That's exactly what I am trying to work out. Thing is, if I eat more than 1400 cals/day I definitely put on weight. That's been what's happening, and it's really tough. I then try and cut down calories and move up the exercise to lose the extra weight but it doesn't go anywhere - I even put on another 2 kgs. It's getting really upsetting for me because I literally cannot fit into 95% of my clothes and I feel bloated and bad about myself. My husband in is martial arts and all his friends are personal trainers. One of them told me on Friday night that I perhaps need to eat more, to increase my metabolism. She said I'll put on more weight to do this though. ARRGGH. I have always had skinny dieting friends/acquaintances and I am so far from the 'just two strawberries a day' types it's not funny. I LOVE my food and I find it very hard to believe that my body is in starvation mode. Anyway, I even irritating myself from all the self-obsessing. I guess I will stop whingeing and at least try to stop gaining weight!

Yes I am 'curvy' - 36, 27, 40 (last number is climbing), D cup. I keep my weight on my bottom half with the top half staying reasonably normal/slim. When I weigh less than 53kg or so I start to look weird and gaunt in my face and shoulders, even though that is not such a light weight for my height (157cm). I am certain my weight should be 54-56kgs, and I know from past experience that this is sustainable. I am aiming for 55kgs, but right now that seems a long way off... Not much fried food at all, I really don't eat badly, except prob not enough fruit. I prob need to eat a little more, more often, and exercise a lot more to get my metabolism going faster.

I'm not sure what to advise you. Personally, if I was you I would solemnly swear to myself that it should never happen again, under any circumstance, then let it drop. Dude, we all make mistakes. In the scheme of things, this doesn't seem like a big deal. If there is any possibility whatsoever that she could find out from the friend of yours who was there, tell her. Do not make this a big deal because you will make it sound bigger than it was and maybe even worry her. But be honest that you regretted it and thought the whole thing was wrong. If you know that if you don't say anything she won't ever find out, let it go. This really doesn't sound like that big a deal. If you were out trying to score and bagged yourself an ounce or something, that's a problem. If you stayed all night smoking and secretly hankered for more, that's a problem. If it was as you say it was - one guilty inhalation that you regretted instantly, then let it go.

Re the rebooting: I have NO IDEA personally but an epileptic friend of mine has described her grand mal seizures to me exactly the same way. Get thee to a doctor.

Hi babybear, you have been put in a very difficult situation, how are you feeling about all of this? I agree that you have some reasonable concerns here, but also think that this must be left with your mother and in theory should not affect your relationship with your father if you can help it. You need to stay out of it as best as you can. Having said this, I would not lie or keep quiet to protect anyone. If your father is threatening to leave based on your behaviour and you are keeping this to yourself it might be worth letting your mother know, quietly and calmly. Is there anyone else you can speak to about this in person? An adult friend who is independent from your family?

Yes and it can be matched to a sliding scale threat alert system, and a set of protocols for each alert code linked to phone lines we charge for. we could make MILLIONS annie I was going to take this further but started to question my sanity (and maths nerdiness). Actually the thing is that my guy rated really really badly on almost every variable above and it turned out I still had nothing to worry about. Or do I...

Hey shikashika, so many questions! But thank you for your interest and your responses . Have you tried loggin your food into link removed] - no, but I will try it How big are your portions? - really not big. average. if we're talking meat for one serve I eat maybe a deck of cards size, and for carbs one serve would be 1/2 - 1 cup cooked rice/pasta or a couple of slices of bread. Not much butter/oil etc, usual portion maybe a teaspoon or just over a teaspoon. One thing to remember.. and I have to keep reminding myself too is not to become obsessive... - yes, I am completely obsessed now, the self-hatred is really kicking in and I am already making excuses to not go to a Christmas party tonight full of fit personal trainers because I'm too fat for my clothes. Do you have a gym near by? Are you interested in doing weights? - eh, yes to the gym, there's one in my building at work, but I'm not really interested no. hate gyms, hate the cost, hate the atmosphere. sorry. I have weights at home, but like I said, I have been suffering neck pain. So if I'm going to take your advice I need to manage these issues somehow. Have you ever had a bodyfat test done? do you you know you have only been gaining fat? - I think I have gained some muscle on my thighs from the intense bike sessions, but it seems coated with a new layer of horrible horrible fat. I have been measuring myself at the key points and yes indeed I am larger, and it can't all be muscle. Are there any other factors in your life that could have contributed towards a weight gain?... new birth control? stress? sleep? - not really. I have been really stressed and put on weight, and I have been no so stressed and put on weight. No change to the pill or anything. I started taking pre-conception pills recently, full of iron, folate etc, and I whacked on a kilo immediately. I wouldn't have thought it was those pills though, the product is a vitamin supplement. Ahh, maybe I just need to accept that I'm lazy and I need to get busier than before. I don't really think I can adjust my diet anymore as it's not going to be sustainable. Thanks

Well that sounds perfectly legitimate, you have every right to state what you think is reasonable. Agree it's worth waiting to see what happens though rather than raising it beforehand. So you have your plan. And hey, try not to let your trepidation about this affect your NYE. It might not happen, and your worry will be wasted effort. I would suggest that even if he does receive a text it's not worth wasting your good times with your boyfriend before then. If you have your plan put aside in case it happens you should hopefully be able to forget about it a little in the meantime?

Are you okay to talk about it? Can you let us know how it went?