sunshinecoast

oh hell I'm having a drama again. Everything has been good between us but tonight he was telling me about a threesome he was in, how erotic it was and how he has had sex with so many people on the first date. It changed my mood from being light to instantly in a state of not being able to think of things to talk about. I felt afraid and so trapped by the vision of these things he was telling me. I started shaking and just wanted to get off the phone. Is this normal? Do other couples talk about past sexual experiences with no problem or anxiety? He says he regrets that he had sex with these people on the first date as it perpetuated a cycle of meaninglessness and I suppose I should be focusing on that. Am I immature to be stressed out by my boyfriend's sexual history?

Despite being on the verge of breaking up with him, we fought about it and talked much about everything and eventually I decided to forgive my boyfriend again and move on with the relastionship. He promised his fidelity to me and I promised I wouldn't be paranoid anymore. We've been really good and everything has been fine between us. It has been so refreshing to be able to work again and exist without stress and anxiety. But tonight he started talking about a f*ckbuddy of his who called last week and then he told me how this guy has given him so much pleasure. Do I really want to hear this?! Am I being paranoid for being hurt by this comment? Perhaps I really haven't forgiven him and will be scarred and en garde for some time yet.

Hi Caro - Yes I am seriously reconsidering this move. I hope I can be strong enough. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

Hi Everyone. Thank you for the replies. I suppose I have been hoping all along it would change...and, it seems, fooling myself in the process. Hi Caro - Yes the ball is in motion already for my move to his country. This is a difficult situation. I don't understand why he would put energy into our relationship and help with the move over there etc and then contradict that with these destructive and trust-sabotaging decisions? I am stunned and baffled at the behaviour. I've forgiven him time and again thinking it wouldn't happen again and when it does he somehow makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong - it's almost like I become hypnotised out of the reality of it. I think a part of why I have continued is because I haven't been able to believe someone could be that way. It doesn't add up to me??

I am angry at my boyfriend and I need to vent some anger. These are some reasons why it is so hard for me to trust my boyfriend whom I am in a long distance gay relationship with: 1. When his gay friend (who I know little about) stayed with him for 2 weeks I hardly heard from my boyfriend and when I did, his friend was not around. He only spoke to me quietly and late at night. I since have reason to believe that his friend has strong feelings for my boyfriend and he is visiting him again soon. 2. The day I was meant to arrive in his country for a visit (my travel plans were cancelled at the last minute on one occasion), my boyfriend went to gym, picked up an unknown man, went to dinner with him and then went back to the man's house. Though apparently nothing happened. 3. My boyfriend is known to be highly promiscuous. 4. He pursued me and tried to sleep with me while he was in another relationship. He never told me about this other relationship until I was already involved with him. 5. There is no end to his flirtatious ways and behaviour. 6. I know he has been emotionally unfaithful and started a romantic connection with at least two other men online. This while our relationship isn't even a year old! The first he has been secretly arranging a holiday to with and he left sexually suggestive messages to him online. He also refers to this guy as sexy. The second man he spoke romantically with online. He was flirtatious with him. When this man asked about my boyfriend's relationship status my boyfriend ignored the question. When this man asked what my boyfriend was doing in my country, instead of saying he was visiting me, he said he was having fun and looking at museums! Not helping further: my boyfriend has been secretive about both - saying they are just friends and never speaking about them with me. (I only found out about this while my boyfriend was visiting me and he left his computer on). I confronted him immediately but he still denied what was going on and only 2 months later did he admit to being wrong. I suspect that my boyfriend and the second man have met or will meet soon. I don't believe my boyfriend will tell me if they do meet. I feel betrayed. 7. While my boyfriend was with me for a weekend last year he had at the back of his mind, the knowledge that he was going to fly to another city the following weekend to be with his ex. He never told me about this until he landed back in his country. He never told me because he must have known it was wrong and I wouldn't be happy about it. It frightens me to think that I am with someone who can be so pleasant to me while having other secret agendas going on in his mind. When I confronted him about this he said that because he was having doubts he needed to be sure that his ex was wrong for him and then even went on to tell me how big and thick his ex's penis was and suggested that it was difficult to leave that! 8. The things he says are contradictory. He tells me he loves me, wants this relationship wholeheartedly and invests time and money into our relationship and he speaks well to me but then he will say he doesn't know if he is ready for a gay relationship and if he can handle a serious relationship. What must I think? 9. He goes to gay clubs and gay venues a lot. He dances with half naked men and seeks approval from these people. I don't know if he is being faithful. 10. He believes there is nothing wrong with sex with strangers during a relationship though he says he doesn't do this and won't while being involved with me. These are just some of the things which have gone on which cause serious doubt in my mind - and then my boyfriend admonishes me for having trust issues with him! Sometimed I wonder if this is a mentally-abusive relationship which I am in? What must I think about this? On paper this is a total disaster. He appears to be a flake and made of all the wrong stuff but I fell in love with him and don't know how to extract myself because I do care about him. We do have good times together when he doesn't bring this drama along or say stupid things. I focus on the good things and they have kept me going but I always have these very real fears which get so much worse when he goes away. I can't go on living like this. What should I do? I was thinking of giving him a taste of his own medicine and striking up a 'side-line-romance' etc but it really would go against my principals. Still it might make him see what he is doing wrong. I know that nobody can really help with this but I get some relief from venting my anger here.

..I need to add the other dimension to my unease in situations like this is that my boyfriend has a highly promiscuous history with little to no inhibition. It is a great challenge for me to overcome this consideration of his character which he says is over but which I still have to process and which I can't seem to shake easily.

Hi, I am throwing this out there because I am a little confused on the matter. I trust my boyfriend - though he has done somethings which have erroded that trust - I am still in this relationship (it is a long distance) because I do love him and I generally give him the benefit of the doubt when I don't understand something. Anyway, he has been going to gay clubs with either friends or his ex boyfriend quite a bit. To him it is natural but to me it is hurtful because I have always regarded these places as pick-up joints and places to cruise for sex. I know you can have a great time dancing and having fun with friends but that can be had at straight clubs too. I have been to a gay club once while being in this relationship (it is almost a year old) and in that one night someone tried to pick me up and someone else tried to kiss me. So, the experiences I have had don't lend me to thinking it is all innocent. The point of my post is that I don't want my boyfriend to think I don't trust him by prohibiting him from going to these places because he hasn't given sufficient reason for me to have lost my trust in him. I have doubted at times that he is bring truthful but I could never know for sure so I have put my doubts aside and relegated it to having had occurred owing to my own paranoia. I would just like some opinions on the matter because it doesn't seem to marry up: going to gay clubs and living the single life while too: conducting a relationship and while your boyfriend is so far away and oblivious to what's going on. The other problem is he never tells me he is going. It always comes up later in conversation that he has been. I think I would be more at ease with it if he let me know first. Instinctively I am not really happy about it and I have told him this many times. I feel like a relationship is about compromise. Ultimately he can hurt me greatly as can I him and it is because of this that I do not do things that will upset him. So why does he do it to me when he knows how I feel about the issue? In any event is it really such a loss by opting NOT to go to a gay club? Granted; they may seem full of meat - but they're really just full of bones.

I know it may seem your advice isn't being taken in. Thank you so much for it though. I think of it all the time and it is bubbling inside of me. I really am appreciative. I am so utterly depressed at the moment I don't know what to do. I guess I am hoping this is one of those rare exceptions where many encounters aren't needed to know it is real. But when he says these insensitive things I am knocked off balance. This is really affecting me, my work, my happiness - everything. I am so sad because I am in this place where I can see light in this relationship but also a portent of darkness from this huge problem of conflicting value systems. I am working overtime trying to unite these two approaches to life but I don't know how to do it. He believes it is healthy to have random sex with masses of strangers when the whim takes one and I do not. I keep thinking of him in threesomes he has had and with all of those arbitary people and any emotional progress I make is quickly destroyed. I have to find a way around this or I will go mad. I can feel it. I am only sending this post because it helps me work through this problem. Inside I have a hope that it can be overcome. I know you have given all the advice you can. Thank you.

Thank you Batya for your eloquence and getting to the heart of the matter so well and clearly. This is a very difficult situation for me because I do love him and in all other ways I am very happy in this relationship. Because this is a LDR I have only the subtle things which he says for me to react to. For example when speaking about sex he sometimes won't speak about me and him together but rather his need for 'someone' to relieve him. I don't think he even realises it but I am very sensitive to the words he chooses now because of all of the warning bells that have already occurred. I am simply very scared to be hurt and on the face of it the risks seem so high. I believe that love can change people. I am going to trust because it is only right unless proven wrong. I feel like I will have to employ a large amount of faith in order to continue. I hope that I am not going to be hurt by him.

I have considered all of those aspects and am ensuring I won't be going there just for him but that it makes sense for my life in terms of work and other dimensions too. Thank you for the concern and advice. I am appreciative. My main concern currently is trying to pin point why I am so affected by his promiscuous history. I think that if I can identify the source of the upset I can deal better with solving it and overcoming it. I don't know if I am unusual in my being negatively affected by this - in which case the problem must lie with me and I will need to get councelling or something to have it addressed. It could be that those actions tell me he is a self-serving personality type or it could be that I am possessive and bizarrely think that by him sleeping with others in the past, somehow reduces my present importance to him?? If it is the latter then I must be screwed up.

I do appreciate all the response. I found Batya's advice quite hard hitting as I don't feel desperate at all though I have taken your points all on board. The longest we have been together in physical space is 2 weeks. We communicate so often though - sometimes 10 times a day and we are very present in each other's lives - albeit not in an ideal way.

I know I'm going to get shouted down for this but we have been intimate. We were both tested for all STD's etc before we got together and were both negative for everything thankfully. We both decided not to use protection to show each other that we are committed to each other. He isn't a monster and I know he would never want to make me sick. Because we see each other so rarely, by not using protection, we figured it was the way he and I could both assure each other that we aren't fooling around and are loyal to each other only.

thank you for the advice! Yes we have only seen each other twice so far this year. It is a long distance relationship and we spend a lot of time communicating by phone and online. I have realised that I would find it very diffficult to be with someone so flirtatious. It is already chipping away at my self-esteem and I need to nip it in the butt before it's too late. There has to be a middle ground where we both can have an understanding if this is going to work.

thank you for the replies! Yes it is a LDR and we have been together pretty much since March this year - so 8 months. He is 27 and I am the same age. We have only spent time together in person twice...so I guess that blows my two month visiting average out the water!

I am hoping for some advice concerning a problem I am facing in my relationship. I am gay and having a long distance relationship with a man who is really a very special guy. We see each other only about once every two months - sometimes less. I know he loves me a lot and that he treasures me. We are blessed in many ways in our relationship. I am looking at moving to his country next year so that I can start a new life with him. The problem is that I am feeling a sense of doubt creeping into my mind. He has never had a serious relationship before. I know that many people haven't and I don't think it would bother me at all if it weren't for the fact that he has slept with what he says are 'hundreds of men and women' before me. I am struggling to come to terms with this. The issue that he has bisexual tendencies is tricky enough to digest but the issue which unsettles me most is that his approach to sex seems to be no different to 'dining out'. At first I was very reluctant to go into the relationship as this was a big concern of mine - but he won me over and I gave in and shut the nagging problem out of my thinking. I, on the other hand, have been with about 10 people and I have been in 2 serious long term relationships. I keep on thinking of that saying that 'a Leopard doesn't change his spots' and I have a fear welling up inside of me that eventually - be it 2 months or 2 years, he will eventually get bored and need to resume his highly sexed lifestyle of sleeping around. I know that the past is in the past. I am happy with him as a person and he is fantastic and he tries very hard in our relationship, but I am concerned that his past is a sign of patterns / needs / desires inside of him which neither I nor anyone else can prevent him from. Can I really excite him to sustain a life of monogamy? He is also highly flirtatious. We have spoken about this problem and he is trying to curb his flirtatiousness to make me feel better as he saw how unsafe it made me feel. I am trying to identify where my feeling of doubt is coming from. In some bizarre and peverse way, am I jealous that he has slept with all of these people? I can be jealous - like anyone - but I have been in a serious relationship for 3 years prior to my current boyfriend and I can't remember feeling so jealous or unsafe. My boyfriend also says things which unsettle me. He will talk about hot people who are 'into' him and he told me about a 'f*ck buddy' that he had to brush off when he and I started becoming serious. He also has friends all over the world who want to fly in and stay with him for a couple nights at a time. This hasn't happened since we have been dating seriously though but I know that they still want to hook up with him. I don't want him to stop having meaningful friendships at all! But I am trying to come to terms with the fact that all of these people are ex-flings / short-term boyfriends and there is a doubt in my mind as to how platonic these are. I obviously don't like feeling anxious and lately, if I am not careful I can slide into anxiety about the whole thing. I don't want to create a problem if it isn't there. I know he is committed to our relationship as he always tells me that. I am trying to look to the future with a sense of hope that he won't repeat his old ways. I suppose that as his boyfriend I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I am moving my whole life for this boy and it isn't a problem for me to do that but I am scared I am going to get there and be hurt. I have reasoned that it is logical for me to take these issues into account and resolve them before I move. I would like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation?.....do you have any advice? I would be appreciative.