toad4466
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Recently i was asked by someone to describe to them how it feels to suffer from depression, and to be perfectly honest i think thats a very very hard thing to do. I thought i would try and put it in words here before answering my friends question, so that others can read this, and share their thoughts and feelings with me, maybe you suffer or have suffered, or maybe you have a friend or loved one who suffers Before we go on, i am on medication and recieving councelling So thank you all for your concern So here is my attempt to explain things - I dont know what its like to feel normal, every day i wake up, and i find it hard to get my brain to wake, all i want to do is lie in bed and sleep. When you do wake up, you dont feel right, a strange feeling a bit like poisoning is inside of you, it saps your strength and your will. You take your pills, at a different time every day, sometimes you forget whever you have taken them or not. You feel gloom, like a pain in your heart, you feel scared and you cant snap out of it. Its like you are grieving for the part of you thats died. Things in your home get you down, the housework suffers as things build up, until you cant take it any more and have to do something. You forget to eat, or dont want too. You turn on the TV, 100's of channels and nothing you want to watch, then you turn on your pc, game after game after game sits on the shelf, none of them are fun to play. So you go back to bed, so tired, or you haev a shower and your head drifts away, sometimes you wish that you are the water, slowly going down the plug. Sometimes you want to be gone, after all, you have no friends, nobody cares Every day is the same, like living in a limbo, and the only way out is to beat the problems, or they beat you Small tiny things can make you worse, a bill through the letterbox, a bit of bad news about some awful disaster round the world, but almost nothing can make you better. Thats how depression feels to me, and i hope you dont feel down reading this, as atm im not feeling as bad as this, just remember how it feels Do you think i summed it up? Have u had a different experience? Toad
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Things happen all the time in thies world, but i feel i have been left behind. I feel so lonely and likw such a failiure. Its hard to explain but every minute of every day i have to fight back tears, and the thought of dying actually makes me feel happy. I suppose the best place to start is the beggining, so here goes. I grew up in a small seaside fishing village in England, my parents ran a Pub (bar) there. I didnt really spend alot of time with they, their job took up all their time so i used to go exploring and finding things out by myself. Eventually when i was 10 my folks and me and my brother (whom i never got on with) moved to a new pub where they eventually split up. My father moved from pub to pub and my mother got a stable job in the same village and found someone new. I spent a lot of time travelling, and never really had many friends. When i was 17 i met the girl of my dreams, i fell in love to the point i was walking on air, and we lasted 8 years, until Jan 05. We fell out because of debt, we had lived together for 3 years, and run up massive debts, and her family blamed it all on me. My ex left and we sold the house, and i got lumped with the debt. Since that time i have been paying through the nose for the debts, i have a job in a bar, i have no confidence, no friends and no life at all. And i really want to die. The only thing that keeps me going is that i dont want my family to be responsible for the debts. I cant leave them with that.
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I have been so through much pain, i have been stripped of my friends and my emotions due to my past, how can I be me? Nearly 2 years ago now, my solid, loving relationship fell apart Jan 2005, i had a home with my Fiancee, but due to her getting Ill with Endometriosis, a crippling problem for women, i had to work more and more hours, and deal with her pain, i worked so much to pay the bills, i got lost, my friends had gone, and i was alone, and childishly i turned to alchohol to ease my pain, my suffering cost me dear, as her family saw only me and my drinking as the problem causing our lack of money, and then the fighting started. I know i was stupid, that if i was more sensible that i could have elevated over the problems and organised our finances better, but 1 person working 65 Hours per week doing 3 jobs has a lot to worry about, and paying bfor a mortgage in South England is not cheap. Now, over a year and a half on, it has been a rough ride. I Blame myself for what happened, and i have tried to get over it. I even met a new Woman this summer, a woman so fantastic and mindblowing i cant describe, but all the time we spent together i was worried, worried that she was 8 years younger than me, that she was just starting, i felt i would hold her back, and we split because of my worries. Now i still have debt from my house, i stilll feel the same, i am becoming reculse, and despite my great, but time consuming job i am making little headway on paying back what i owe. How do you find the strength to carry on? What is the damned point? Even my greatest hero James O'Barr (He wrote the Crow) found it hard. I dont know what to do, i am so tender, so compassionate, so loving, all i want to do is love someone and have a purpose. Do i not deserve it? Ben
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I am a good person, i help others, i care, i try my best every day, but sometimes things move against me in a way i cant explain. I recently went on a round the world trip to find myself and get a new direction, but i have been through so much pain recently especially the last year. I have had so much happen, but in a nutshell, i have not been successful in relationships, so i have been accused of being gay, and even had gay people make moves on me, which is very upsetting and hurtful. Also i live in a terrible area full of weirdos and druggies, i even had belongings taken from me, but i have no money to move away at the moment. I aslo feel a bit used and trapped, my friends are moving away, and i really got strength from them, and now i feel exposed all the time. I cant concentrate at the moment, and i need to get a good career, and a good life together before this situation really damages me. What should i do?
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Question about dating again
toad4466 replied to thegoodgirl04's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Its really simple, do you feel it is time? Do you think you can make a go with the new fella? Believe me the scars of the past affect us, but dont rule us! Learn from the bad things and move on! -
All you have to do is simple, remember that you are worth it, you deserve better from what you have got. Giving up is for wimps and losers, you are never in that category!
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When i joined Enotalone, i was depressed and bitter about a break-up. A huge 8 year relationship went wrong and dure to several things (check my history.) My life could not be more different now. I once tried to kill myself, i tried to end my life, but i want you all to know, no matter how awful things get, as corny as this sounds, things can only get better! I have a new Girlfriend now, one i love with all my heart! This is the text she sent me, i want you all to read it! Aww. I love you so much, i had tears in my eyes last night just thinking how lucky i am to have you! You mean the world to me, I love you so much. I just want to be in your arms right now! XxX XxX I want you all to know that no matter how bad life gets, if you end it, if you give up, you will miss out badly! Toad
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Well, im in a state of confusion and uncertainty at the moment. I had a very loving and caring relationship that lasted 8 years (officialyy broke uo last January), during that time, i got engaged, and bought a house with my ex. Things went bad after we bought the house (3 years ago) She became sick with Endometriosis and couldnt work, and debts soon came in. Because i loved her so much I took on 3 jobs and worked myself to illness. her family did not see my attempts at money saving and my work as a sign i was a good person, they thought i couldnt manage properly or look after her. I tried to save money, by doing things like buying a scooter (£20 a month cheaper than the bus) and we couldnt go out much. Within a year we had debts of over 3,000 and things got hairy. The added stress of money, her being ill, and constantly being judged took its toll on me. I turned to booze and lost control. No-one on her family cared about me enough to even ask if i was ok, they just cold shouldered me, i didnt fit in with their idea of a providing man. So, a few days before my Birthday 05, they came over my house whilst i was at work and moved Hayley out. The house was sold in a couple of months for more than we paid for it, and the debts (now over 9,000 in all) were partly paid off, and i took on the rest, about £3,500. We never really fell out of love, but circumstances were against us. We were still in contact, occationally going out, and sleeping with each other until a few days ago. We have tried to be friends, but its not going to work as we are still in love. However, My Ex cannot turn against her family and their opinions of me. So i decided a no contact policy was best, I just want her to get on with her family, and move on. Its like a final act of love. So now here i am, mixed up, confused, hurt and lonely. Did i do the right thing? And how do you "find yourself" again after all this time? Does it get easier? Please help
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I dont really understand love all that much, or at least i dont understand how to start a realtionship. My problem is that things dont add up. Im such a good person, i care about people, i help as many people as i can, and i dont think of myself all that often. Im 26 now, and i had a great relationship once, but now i just cant seem to start again. Its like my Ex had a great understanding of me, she really loved me and still does, but i all came crashing down due to finance problems and our house together. there is too much hatred between our families to start again, its like Romeo and Juliet, we just cant be together because of our families. SO why is it that no over girl can feel that way for me? Im so good, relaiable and loving, but no-one seems interested. I have tried going out, talking, flirting, i am always myself and try to make that special connection. What do i have to do? Why is this happeneing? Ben
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Ok, lets put my problem in perspective without making it sound too bad, it does make me sound a * * * *! Well, im 26 now, fell in love at a young age, relationship started when i was 17 and ended in tears last year (Jan 26th 2005) And i have been trying to find love again. Things have been interesting of late, and i need advice on what to do next. 1) My ex has told me she loves me still, but due to what happened i am unsure that getting back with her is a good move because i was so hurt (long story, check my history) So do i forgive and forget? I dont know how i feel, as i am so mixed up about it. 2) Someone has shown interest in me but has lots of baggage, and has not been overly commiting (i.e she has been difficult to organise a doat with, always some traedy stopping it) So, do i try and commit, again i am unsure about this ine, but hey, risks sometimes pay off! 3) This is the biggie! I really like one girl, went out with her today, and i know she likes me (body language etc) But because of her past she is scared of men and really scared of sex. But i really like her! What do i do? 4) There is a gal from my past who i had feelings for during my long realationship, but i was not gonna throw my relationship away, but we stay in contact, and she is 50/50 with me, difficult to read. Do i make a play so to speak? 5) Last one, older woman, very sexy and flirty with me. She has been divorced for a year or so, and like me a lot, but i cant commit until i sort my head out! You see, i need some perspective on these things, i cant work it out alone! Thanks
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believe me mate, there is no "rulebook" to getting a g/f! If there was, then why are we on this website? But one thing I can say is this, as long as you are really you, not putting on a show to hide your nervousness, then people can sense your honesty, and things will change. My suggestion to you is that you read up on body language, maybe then you will have a good heads up on people!
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I Feel So Lost Is It All Worth It?????
toad4466 replied to ElektraHere's topic in Relationship Advice
You know, not many people understand love. Believe me when i say, its not you, dont blame yourself! I had a great relationship that was pulled apart by other people, i understand lost love. But how can someone like you who writes so passionately be unloved? Simple, the people around you dont know you! Maybe the fact that you expect to be unloved creates some sort of "barrier" around you that you aint aware of! Even over the net, i can sense you are a good person, dont give up! Remember, be yourself and wake up every day, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth it, because you are! Keep growing, dont hold back, you will find what you need when the time is right! -
Its Odd, isnt it? You find someone you like, and its wrong to like them. The simple truth is this, you are young, and although you talk of maturity, it is not that simple. The main reason that the teacher/student thing is so passe is because teachers represent our "role models" they have a obligation to the state/society to represent law abiding decency. At such a young age, a relationship with you would simply put them in trouble! If something happened, they would probally lose their job, (or worse) I wouldn't fall for your teacher, just take it as a learning experience. I know this is little comfort, but you are too young to get involved with this!
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my avatar comes from the official crow fan website. Check it out, do a websearch!
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I want your opinions on a really strange dream i had last night. This is only the 3rd dream i actually remember, but i really need an interpretation. I was wearing black, and a long black leather coat. I was walking by myself at sunset accross a field of long grass at the top of a cliff. It was warm and i could smell the scent of the grasses. I was talking to the wind, like it was god. I asked him why im alone, why i cant have a life the way i want it. His answer was this, He said i was a creature of heaven, an outcast angel. He said that people cant be near me, because people cant be near heaven until they pass over. Im here to help people, but i must sacrifice my own needs to help them, and its because i dont understand that, that i cant be in heaven. I just dont understand it! Am i being punished? Its so odd, i have never felt such truth in a dream. What would you all do? Ben
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Well, heres my problem. I have not been myself for a year, i have fallen to depression, debt and lack of confidence. Now im at a crossroads. I Really like this girl, I havent met her yet, because its an internet thing, but we have spoken on the phone. She means so much to me that i dont care if we never get together, i just want her to be happy with all my heart. She knows the real me, and she likes me because of who i am, but i arranged to meet her once, and because i was so messed up, i didnt do it, even though it would have really been good for me. I have also grabbed the attentions of several women because i am so flirty, and its a great confidence boost. So, do i take a risk on a long distance friendship/relationship, or do i go for whats there, even though its not perfect? Thanks Ben
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if anyone wants to know my history, just search for my name
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I have had lots of help from you all over the last few months, I just wanted to thank you all, and post this little update on what I am doing about my depression. I have stopped being so forward, and looking for a new g/f. At the end of the day its easier to get on with people when you dont have a neon sign above your head saying "desperate" lol I have changed my diet, need to lose 3 stone, and i am getting info from gyms, just to buff myself up a bit. Its a shame that the way you look is so important, but a good personality will take you only so far, so why not eh? I have stopped talking to a lot of people who are bad to me, people who upset me or use me! Hey, i have even started talking to my ex. Looks like she still loves me so much, but i must admit i am worried about what she might do to me emotionally, as she put me in therapy after our relationship ended in January. I am also doing well at work, looks like a promotion is on the cards in the new year! Anyway thanks to all again! Any advice is welcome on me as i stand. Ben
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Hey, we talked about this. There are times when doing the right thing for you will get you in to a bad situation. But if you stick to your guns. then you will be fine.
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My girlfriends parents didnt like me. They thought i was responsible somehow for her getting ill with endometriosis, and they didnt like the fact I was a salesman, they thought she deserved a professional. They did split us up in January, and we even had to sell our house. However all the achieved was to start a war. 2 people who want to be together should be. I would tell them to kindly bog off, and tell them if they dont change their attitudes then they will lose you! Dont listen to them at all! By the way, if my ex's parents were crossing the street, my foot would hit the accelerator!
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I sell home appliances for a major department store, and my friends have all moved on. I used to have a massive group of friends, about 25 of us used to do everything together, 1996 time. Then 2 died, my best mate joined the navy, as did my brother, the rest upped and left, about 3 of us left now. As for my relationship, well that was what got me into debt, buying a house and paying bills on our wages? Not possible in Guildford area! I kept it up for 3 years though. We split up in a rage of words, mostly started by her family. That was January. Now the house is sold, and I am back home with nothing. No cash, a few debts left. Voila
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I really need to talk to you all, as im in a right state. Well, as some of you know, I have had a really tough life, especially the last 3 years, with a failed relationship, debt and other problems. I was talking to someone today who needed my help, this person also went out on a date with me a few months ago and went a bit crazy with nerves and ran off. Anyway, after helping her for a bit she started dragging up my past. If there is a big no-no with me, thats it. I am probally the most lonely person in the universe and I have recently just given up on trying to find a life for myself. I have had my chances and blown them, so I shouldnt be greedy. Basically I went through hell over the last hour or so, Im sobbing and lonely. I dont want to remember the past, I dont find it easy to talk, believe me this is just fringing on me what im writing. I trust no-one because then no-one can hurt you. What can I do to feel better?
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I have been battling depression for a while now. I have had treatment and help for many things, but I just cant see a point. I feel as if a great painful sorrow lives inside of me. It actually hurts all the time. I cant see any future for me, I have no dreams, no desires. My soul is dead. I have had my life and blown it. My past is ashes and I am a no hoper in every sense of the word. Im too poor to go out, Im too fat to be loved, Im too far away from the world to come back into it. Im not going to bleat on about how I feel like this, I dont want to tell anyone else what happened. But lets just say that I put my heart and soul into my life and it crumbled into nothing. I wish I could too, but I have too many debts to pay for, so I keep going to pay them off. Thats what I live for, to pay my debts so my family doesnt have too. Then I am going to die, somewhere quiet and peaceful. I already know that im going to end it, my minds made up and its final. Even if it takes years to pay off my debts I will survive until they are gone. Im actually looking forward to it! It sounds crazy but the thought of such peace actually makes me happy. Well I just wanted to say this, dont know why. I suppose I just wanted to say it for myself. Bye Toad
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Hello Tigris,its a very bad situation you are in at the mo! Remain calm, think about what you are doing, and if you cant stop these fellings, stop your relationship or else EVERYONE will get hurt babe. Remember what we talked about. Ps hope ur holiday helps! Ben
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All I can say is this, If she really believes that fool then she isnt worth your effort. Shes going to get hurt again and if you carry on liking her then she will turn to you when she does and mess you up. Drop her and move on.
