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About toad4466

  • Birthday 01/28/1980

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  1. Recently i was asked by someone to describe to them how it feels to suffer from depression, and to be perfectly honest i think thats a very very hard thing to do. I thought i would try and put it in words here before answering my friends question, so that others can read this, and share their thoughts and feelings with me, maybe you suffer or have suffered, or maybe you have a friend or loved one who suffers Before we go on, i am on medication and recieving councelling So thank you all for your concern So here is my attempt to explain things - I dont know what its like to feel normal, every day i wake up, and i find it hard to get my brain to wake, all i want to do is lie in bed and sleep. When you do wake up, you dont feel right, a strange feeling a bit like poisoning is inside of you, it saps your strength and your will. You take your pills, at a different time every day, sometimes you forget whever you have taken them or not. You feel gloom, like a pain in your heart, you feel scared and you cant snap out of it. Its like you are grieving for the part of you thats died. Things in your home get you down, the housework suffers as things build up, until you cant take it any more and have to do something. You forget to eat, or dont want too. You turn on the TV, 100's of channels and nothing you want to watch, then you turn on your pc, game after game after game sits on the shelf, none of them are fun to play. So you go back to bed, so tired, or you haev a shower and your head drifts away, sometimes you wish that you are the water, slowly going down the plug. Sometimes you want to be gone, after all, you have no friends, nobody cares Every day is the same, like living in a limbo, and the only way out is to beat the problems, or they beat you Small tiny things can make you worse, a bill through the letterbox, a bit of bad news about some awful disaster round the world, but almost nothing can make you better. Thats how depression feels to me, and i hope you dont feel down reading this, as atm im not feeling as bad as this, just remember how it feels Do you think i summed it up? Have u had a different experience? Toad
  2. Things happen all the time in thies world, but i feel i have been left behind. I feel so lonely and likw such a failiure. Its hard to explain but every minute of every day i have to fight back tears, and the thought of dying actually makes me feel happy. I suppose the best place to start is the beggining, so here goes. I grew up in a small seaside fishing village in England, my parents ran a Pub (bar) there. I didnt really spend alot of time with they, their job took up all their time so i used to go exploring and finding things out by myself. Eventually when i was 10 my folks and me and my brother (whom i never got on with) moved to a new pub where they eventually split up. My father moved from pub to pub and my mother got a stable job in the same village and found someone new. I spent a lot of time travelling, and never really had many friends. When i was 17 i met the girl of my dreams, i fell in love to the point i was walking on air, and we lasted 8 years, until Jan 05. We fell out because of debt, we had lived together for 3 years, and run up massive debts, and her family blamed it all on me. My ex left and we sold the house, and i got lumped with the debt. Since that time i have been paying through the nose for the debts, i have a job in a bar, i have no confidence, no friends and no life at all. And i really want to die. The only thing that keeps me going is that i dont want my family to be responsible for the debts. I cant leave them with that.
  3. I have been so through much pain, i have been stripped of my friends and my emotions due to my past, how can I be me? Nearly 2 years ago now, my solid, loving relationship fell apart Jan 2005, i had a home with my Fiancee, but due to her getting Ill with Endometriosis, a crippling problem for women, i had to work more and more hours, and deal with her pain, i worked so much to pay the bills, i got lost, my friends had gone, and i was alone, and childishly i turned to alchohol to ease my pain, my suffering cost me dear, as her family saw only me and my drinking as the problem causing our lack of money, and then the fighting started. I know i was stupid, that if i was more sensible that i could have elevated over the problems and organised our finances better, but 1 person working 65 Hours per week doing 3 jobs has a lot to worry about, and paying bfor a mortgage in South England is not cheap. Now, over a year and a half on, it has been a rough ride. I Blame myself for what happened, and i have tried to get over it. I even met a new Woman this summer, a woman so fantastic and mindblowing i cant describe, but all the time we spent together i was worried, worried that she was 8 years younger than me, that she was just starting, i felt i would hold her back, and we split because of my worries. Now i still have debt from my house, i stilll feel the same, i am becoming reculse, and despite my great, but time consuming job i am making little headway on paying back what i owe. How do you find the strength to carry on? What is the damned point? Even my greatest hero James O'Barr (He wrote the Crow) found it hard. I dont know what to do, i am so tender, so compassionate, so loving, all i want to do is love someone and have a purpose. Do i not deserve it? Ben
  4. I am a good person, i help others, i care, i try my best every day, but sometimes things move against me in a way i cant explain. I recently went on a round the world trip to find myself and get a new direction, but i have been through so much pain recently especially the last year. I have had so much happen, but in a nutshell, i have not been successful in relationships, so i have been accused of being gay, and even had gay people make moves on me, which is very upsetting and hurtful. Also i live in a terrible area full of weirdos and druggies, i even had belongings taken from me, but i have no money to move away at the moment. I aslo feel a bit used and trapped, my friends are moving away, and i really got strength from them, and now i feel exposed all the time. I cant concentrate at the moment, and i need to get a good career, and a good life together before this situation really damages me. What should i do?
  5. Its really simple, do you feel it is time? Do you think you can make a go with the new fella? Believe me the scars of the past affect us, but dont rule us! Learn from the bad things and move on!
  6. All you have to do is simple, remember that you are worth it, you deserve better from what you have got. Giving up is for wimps and losers, you are never in that category!
  7. When i joined Enotalone, i was depressed and bitter about a break-up. A huge 8 year relationship went wrong and dure to several things (check my history.) My life could not be more different now. I once tried to kill myself, i tried to end my life, but i want you all to know, no matter how awful things get, as corny as this sounds, things can only get better! I have a new Girlfriend now, one i love with all my heart! This is the text she sent me, i want you all to read it! Aww. I love you so much, i had tears in my eyes last night just thinking how lucky i am to have you! You mean the world to me, I love you so much. I just want to be in your arms right now! XxX XxX I want you all to know that no matter how bad life gets, if you end it, if you give up, you will miss out badly! Toad
  8. Well, im in a state of confusion and uncertainty at the moment. I had a very loving and caring relationship that lasted 8 years (officialyy broke uo last January), during that time, i got engaged, and bought a house with my ex. Things went bad after we bought the house (3 years ago) She became sick with Endometriosis and couldnt work, and debts soon came in. Because i loved her so much I took on 3 jobs and worked myself to illness. her family did not see my attempts at money saving and my work as a sign i was a good person, they thought i couldnt manage properly or look after her. I tried to save money, by doing things like buying a scooter (£20 a month cheaper than the bus) and we couldnt go out much. Within a year we had debts of over 3,000 and things got hairy. The added stress of money, her being ill, and constantly being judged took its toll on me. I turned to booze and lost control. No-one on her family cared about me enough to even ask if i was ok, they just cold shouldered me, i didnt fit in with their idea of a providing man. So, a few days before my Birthday 05, they came over my house whilst i was at work and moved Hayley out. The house was sold in a couple of months for more than we paid for it, and the debts (now over 9,000 in all) were partly paid off, and i took on the rest, about £3,500. We never really fell out of love, but circumstances were against us. We were still in contact, occationally going out, and sleeping with each other until a few days ago. We have tried to be friends, but its not going to work as we are still in love. However, My Ex cannot turn against her family and their opinions of me. So i decided a no contact policy was best, I just want her to get on with her family, and move on. Its like a final act of love. So now here i am, mixed up, confused, hurt and lonely. Did i do the right thing? And how do you "find yourself" again after all this time? Does it get easier? Please help
  9. I dont really understand love all that much, or at least i dont understand how to start a realtionship. My problem is that things dont add up. Im such a good person, i care about people, i help as many people as i can, and i dont think of myself all that often. Im 26 now, and i had a great relationship once, but now i just cant seem to start again. Its like my Ex had a great understanding of me, she really loved me and still does, but i all came crashing down due to finance problems and our house together. there is too much hatred between our families to start again, its like Romeo and Juliet, we just cant be together because of our families. SO why is it that no over girl can feel that way for me? Im so good, relaiable and loving, but no-one seems interested. I have tried going out, talking, flirting, i am always myself and try to make that special connection. What do i have to do? Why is this happeneing? Ben
  10. Ok, lets put my problem in perspective without making it sound too bad, it does make me sound a * * * *! Well, im 26 now, fell in love at a young age, relationship started when i was 17 and ended in tears last year (Jan 26th 2005) And i have been trying to find love again. Things have been interesting of late, and i need advice on what to do next. 1) My ex has told me she loves me still, but due to what happened i am unsure that getting back with her is a good move because i was so hurt (long story, check my history) So do i forgive and forget? I dont know how i feel, as i am so mixed up about it. 2) Someone has shown interest in me but has lots of baggage, and has not been overly commiting (i.e she has been difficult to organise a doat with, always some traedy stopping it) So, do i try and commit, again i am unsure about this ine, but hey, risks sometimes pay off! 3) This is the biggie! I really like one girl, went out with her today, and i know she likes me (body language etc) But because of her past she is scared of men and really scared of sex. But i really like her! What do i do? 4) There is a gal from my past who i had feelings for during my long realationship, but i was not gonna throw my relationship away, but we stay in contact, and she is 50/50 with me, difficult to read. Do i make a play so to speak? 5) Last one, older woman, very sexy and flirty with me. She has been divorced for a year or so, and like me a lot, but i cant commit until i sort my head out! You see, i need some perspective on these things, i cant work it out alone! Thanks
  11. believe me mate, there is no "rulebook" to getting a g/f! If there was, then why are we on this website? But one thing I can say is this, as long as you are really you, not putting on a show to hide your nervousness, then people can sense your honesty, and things will change. My suggestion to you is that you read up on body language, maybe then you will have a good heads up on people!
  12. You know, not many people understand love. Believe me when i say, its not you, dont blame yourself! I had a great relationship that was pulled apart by other people, i understand lost love. But how can someone like you who writes so passionately be unloved? Simple, the people around you dont know you! Maybe the fact that you expect to be unloved creates some sort of "barrier" around you that you aint aware of! Even over the net, i can sense you are a good person, dont give up! Remember, be yourself and wake up every day, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth it, because you are! Keep growing, dont hold back, you will find what you need when the time is right!
  13. Its Odd, isnt it? You find someone you like, and its wrong to like them. The simple truth is this, you are young, and although you talk of maturity, it is not that simple. The main reason that the teacher/student thing is so passe is because teachers represent our "role models" they have a obligation to the state/society to represent law abiding decency. At such a young age, a relationship with you would simply put them in trouble! If something happened, they would probally lose their job, (or worse) I wouldn't fall for your teacher, just take it as a learning experience. I know this is little comfort, but you are too young to get involved with this!
  14. my avatar comes from the official crow fan website. Check it out, do a websearch!
  15. I want your opinions on a really strange dream i had last night. This is only the 3rd dream i actually remember, but i really need an interpretation. I was wearing black, and a long black leather coat. I was walking by myself at sunset accross a field of long grass at the top of a cliff. It was warm and i could smell the scent of the grasses. I was talking to the wind, like it was god. I asked him why im alone, why i cant have a life the way i want it. His answer was this, He said i was a creature of heaven, an outcast angel. He said that people cant be near me, because people cant be near heaven until they pass over. Im here to help people, but i must sacrifice my own needs to help them, and its because i dont understand that, that i cant be in heaven. I just dont understand it! Am i being punished? Its so odd, i have never felt such truth in a dream. What would you all do? Ben
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